vibrators Archives - Sugarcunt Writes

The Dearly Departed We-Vibe Salsa Isn’t Quite Gone Yet

Apr 302013

There was a bit of a stir-up after Dangerous Lilly found out that the We-Vibe Salsa is going the way of the dinosaur, being abandoned in favor of the Tango. Lilly procured several Salsas from We-Vibe and gave them away.

Naturally, there was some distress in the community about the Salsa’s parting, and loads of people concocted a good reason that they should win one of Lilly’s Salsas, but as with all contests, not everyone wins. For those of you who are afraid that you’ll never get your hands on a We-Vibe Salsa, I present to you: SheVibe.

SheVibe has all the colors of the Salsa in stock for $63.74.

So not only is that cheaper than you could have gotten it at, say, EdenFantasys (It was $79, according to one of Lilly’s screenshots), but it’s also still available for purchase at this time.

Naturally, once SheVibe’s stock of the Salsa is gone, it’s gone for good, but you can buy one now. Come on, you know you want to.

The bNaughty Unleashed

Reviews 2 Responses »

Mar 112013

The bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator is a remote-controlled vibrating ~~bullet~~ egg. An egg. The thing is enormous. It’s longer than most eggs, but not quite as rounded.

To be honest with you, I’m not quite sure what they’re unleashing. I have an original bNaughty (we’re talking about the corded classic before they did the redesign), and I don’t think the Unleashed offers much more power than the original.

Wait. “Unleashed” as in untethered. Got it. Suddenly I realize why my expectations weren’t quite met.

But aside from being literally unleashed, the bNaughty Unleashed still isn’t especially powerful. It comes with 7 settings: 1 – 3 are constant vibrations at different speeds. 4 begins by ramping up, vibrates constantly for a few seconds, then ramps back up from the beginning again. 5 is constant pulsing. 6 is the same constant pulsing, except faster. 7 is a constant vibration that begins by pulsing three times. The vibrations are buzzy, and while they’re capable of getting me off when I use the vibrator clitorally, I wouldn’t call the ensuing orgasm “spectacular” by any means.

If you’re more into buzzy vibrations than I am, you might find that you have more fun with this toy. The vibrations are also loud. They aren’t Hitachi-loud, but they definitely aren’t whisper-quiet. A lot of people imagine going out in public with a wireless bullet in their panties and the remote in their partner’s hand. You won’t be doing that with this vibe. For starters, the massive egg and its little tail would be inconvenient to shove in your underwear and keep in place. But really, the biggest problem is the noise. You’d have to go to a rave for the noise this thing makes to go unnoticed.

The vibrator is controlled by the little black remote. The bottom button powers the vibe on and off, and the top button changes the vibration settings. The little display is actually kind of neat – it tells you what setting you’re on by displaying a number in the upper-right-hand corner, and the little flower in the center of the display has different segments that light up in time with the vibration you’re on.

This vibrator just didn’t work very well for me. Sure, I got off, but I didn’t enjoy it too much. For starters, I have my clitoral hood pierced and had to keep repositioning the bullet so it didn’t rattle against my jewelry. The egg’s tip is slightly pointed, which is definitely better than what you find on most vibrating bullets, but the tip still isn’t defined enough for me to really get the kind of pinpoint stimulation that I enjoy the most.

The vibrating egg also has a seam. Two seams – one where the egg opens up to reveal the battery compartment, and one on the backside of the plastic strip that holds the batteries in. You’ll need something very thin (a needle, maybe – a fingernail doesn’t get it all out) to clean the seam. I don’t like the seam. It would be one thing if the bNaughty Unleashed brought me to a roaring orgasm – that seems like a fair trade for the cleaning time.

I have another gripe, too. It DIED ON ME.

I used the bNaughty Unleashed roughly three times, and not for very long masturbation sessions. When I went to write this review, I fished it out of its bag (did I mention it comes with a little black pouch? It comes with a little black pouch), went to turn it on, and nothing happened. I tried replacing the batteries in the bullet and it still didn’t work. I had to change the remote battery as well. The device takes three batteries – the remote takes one A23 battery, and the bullet takes two N batteries. Kudos on finding the most obscure batteries you can think of, bSwish.

Also, if you don’t have nails long enough to get under the remote battery, good luck fishing it out. I had to wait until I had long nails again before I could swap out the remote battery… absolutely ridiculous. Every inanimate object that I used in an attempt to pop the battery out was useless to me, yet the battery came out easily when I slid my nail under it.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a little bit resentful about the battery hubbub. I can usually get at least 5 uses out of a vibrator before it starts to go south… usually many more than that, to be honest. But this thing threw in the towel after three short rounds. Does it just eat batteries? Were the batteries that came with it just bad? Who can say?

My ultimate verdict is that the bNaughty Unleashed isn’t for me. It doesn’t blow my mind. It’s just kind of “meh.” If I want to use a battery-operated vibrator, I have a different go-to vibe that is buzzy, but actually feels really good. My go-to vibe is also more quiet than the bNaughty Unleashed. I’m not going to lie: it’s nice to have a wireless remote in your hand or beside you on the bed so that you aren’t constantly tethered to your groin, but most bullets that I have used have cords that are long enough for me to not feel too inconvenienced. The remote doesn’t make this vibe worth it for me. If you don’t mind the noise, the buzziness, and don’t require a TON of pinpoint stimulation, this will probably give you an orgasm if you’re in the market for a wireless vibrator… but probably not the best orgasm of your life. I can think of some better uses for this vibe:

Play a game of hide-the-vibe where your partner has to find it.
Scare your partner by hiding it under their pillow and switching it on at bedtime.
Scare guests by sewing a little mouse or snake costume on it and randomly switching it on to let it rattle across the floor.
Baffle your housemates by leaving it on and hiding it somewhere so that they will periodically ask, “Do you hear vibrating?” and you can say, “No, why?”

Maybe I’m just an asshole.

A big thank you goes out to Good Vibrations for providing me with the bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator to review!

Sugarcunt’s Grand Gift Guide 2012

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Dec 082012

I’m browsing sex toy websites right now in search of a great beginner’s gift for a friend to give her for her birthday. I gave her a bullet for Christmas, as a gateway drug. If that gets her off, it can only get better from here on out. (Actually, even if it doesn’t… it can still only get better.)

She wants a dildo, but with me walking her through her options, she was indecisive. So indecisive that I wanted to beat her a little… but lovingly, because she’s my friend and I just wanted what was best for her – a good deep dicking.

In situations like these, sometimes it’s easiest to give someone a gift card. But you want to put thought into your gift, right? You really want something personal, something that says, “I spent a lot of time thinking about you playing with your genitals and decided that this was perfect for you.”

For those who are new to dildos

Start with the basics: the Tantus Silk comes in three sizes (small, medium, large), is made of high-quality, easy-to-clean silicone, and comes in chic black. The Silk has a solid base that makes it safe for anal use. That base also means it should fit in a strap-on harness. It’s the gift that keeps on giving!

For the beginning G-spotter

The Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo, which I reviewed here and totally loved. It’s a great introductory G-spot toy because it has two sides to choose from and it’s super lightweight. I got it after the Pure Wand and still liked it. That’s saying something, because word on the street is that once you go Pure Wand you never go back.

For those who can’t get comfortable with anal

This was totally me. I bought a Bootie and was totally enthused about it, but I could never wear it for more than ten minutes or so, because it made me squirmy and uncomfortable. I figured that I needed something more tapered, so I bought a Little Flirt by Tantus. I totally love this plug. It was the first plug I was able to wear for an extended period of time. It’s got a non-threatening size, it’s tapered, and it’s not curved. That might be a deal-breaker for some, but it was just right for me to start with. This thing gets plenty of use in our household.

For the nature-lover

NobEssence makes gorgeous wooden dildos that bring new meaning to the phrase “tree-hugger,” and the Seduction has received high praise from Epiphora, who called it “perfect.” I can’t offer my own views on it because I don’t have one… but you can bet your sweet ass that I want one, and that indicates to me that your hippie friend will probably love it too.

For a T-Rex

A Hitachi Magic Wand. There’s a reason the Hitachi is famous. Good Vibrations calls it the Cadillac of vibrators. It’s iconic. You see it in porn all the time. How do I know a T-rex would like it? Because I like T-rex-quality orgasms and I want one.

For your old college friend who is still into psychedelics

The Spectral Glass Dildo is totally extraordinary-looking. The black and pink dildos with rainbows are by far my favorite, but the gold is pretty trippy as well. You could spend hours looking at this thing, so imagine what your friend will do when they’re tripping. (Sidenote: this is meant to neither condone nor condemn drug use. I’m just here to encourage you to fuck stuff.)

For the texture fiend

Oh man. The Rippler, hands down. Solid, well-ridged, and a little girthy. Probably my favorite textured dildo that I own. Goodvibes is the only place that I know of that sells it. It’s also phthalate-free, and fits pretty well into a harness with a little bit of finagling. (Depending on the style of harness, you may need a larger O-ring if your harness requires one.) Read the review!

For those who like it soft

The Sailor Soft Pack is a delightful-feeling packer that fits into my underwear well. It’s phthalate-free, made of cyberskin, and isn’t designed for penetration – instead, it’s just for those who want a little more dick in their life. I’ve got the size 2, and it was actually longer than I expected. (I suspect that the 2 is the one pictured.) It could use some more skin color variety, but at least it comes in three instead of just one.

For those with cave vagina

Or anus! I have seen Jiz Lee push Randy out with their vaginal muscles as it brought them to a gushing orgasm. From that moment on, I wanted it. I’m not always a size queen, but when I am, it’s for a dildo like Randy. There’s got to be a feeling of accomplishment that you get when you’ve managed to insert this dildo. I still don’t have one, but it’s pretty high up on my dildo wishlist.

For the heavy metal fan

nJoy Toys – are you surprised that I suggested this? I’ve even made this joke before. Has my consistent nJoy fangirlism failed to clue you in to what’s up? There’s something for everyone. Put these toys in your body, now.

You like G-spot or prostate stimulation? Get the Pure Wand. You want an amazing butt plug? Get the Pure Plug. You want three pounds of stainless steel in you sexybits? Get the Eleven.

For the magpie

Anything Crystal Delights. I think the image from their site speaks for itself. Crystal Delights makes exquisite glass toys with loads of shiny things attached. The work is exquisite. Anything that isn’t gem-studded is still gorgeous and high-quality. I’ve had my eye on a Crystal Delights toy for some time, especially the Crystal Twist, but I think that the Spartacus MMXII Glass ‘Torch’ is at the top of my list now.

For the furry

Crystal Delights again. If it’s not gem-studded, it’s furry. Long tails and bunny tails come in lush mink fur, and they also sell Spirit Hoods… just in case the tail wasn’t enough for you.

For the queer porn enthusiast

A subscription to Jiz Lee’s Karma Pervs and The Crash Pad Series. The best queer porn you could possibly ask for, all bundled up into two pretty packages. Your friend can even enjoy feeling good about themself knowing that the money going to Karma Pervs goes to a good cause.

For the jaded vibrator aficionado

The Eroscillator. Words cannot express how much I want this toy… and with a price tag this hefty, “want” is probably as close as I’ll get to it. Every time I think I can afford it, something springs up and I can’t buy it, and I’m not eligible to review it. If you follow me on Twitter, you know how grumpy this makes me, because it’s like being left out of the orgasm club. But one day, when a rich eccentric uncle I didn’t know that I had dies, I will own an Eroscillator.

Blurb: New Toys

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Oct 172012

The Tantus

Yay! I ordered some Tantus toys from the closeout section and they arrived today! They have taken the New Toy spots on my desk.

Pictured: the Vantage vibrator and the original Echo (the one that’s sans handle… I suspect I bought one of the last ones!) I’m so excited. The Vantage is supposed to be the strongest of the Vida line, and I’ve lusted after the Echo since I first saw it. The Vantage is actually my first rechargeable vibe, too. MILESTONES, GUYS.

I love you, Tantus.

What have I done?

Reviews 11 Responses »

Oct 202011

“…do I actually have this on my crotch? Yes. Yes, it’s definitely touching me. And I’m definitely holding it in the general region of my clit, but… is it on? Of course it’s on, I can hear it. I.. I think it’s touching my clit. WHY CAN’T I FEEL ANYTHING?”

That’s pretty much everything you need to know about the Kiki Vibe from Picobong. Picobong is a new, more affordable line from LELO, and so I expected… something from this toy. Something other than what I was given.

I was excited about it, at first. It’s cute! (Look at the nubby shape! The colors!) It’s small! (About as long as my palm. In fact, that image beside you, courteously provided by Babeland, is about to scale, if you hold the product up to your monitor.) THAT IS ADORABLE, right? The outer shell of most of the vibrator (save the battery cap) is silicone. The entire toy is waterproof. And while you may not have noticed this initially (as I didn’t, until the product was in my hands), the P and B are the + and – buttons. That blew my mind.

I swear to god, I thought this thing was going to rock my world. Just looking at it was like finding out that you can hold the shower head against your genitals.

So, I tore the Kiki out of the box, rinsed off the smudging that occurred from the black cardstock-like paper that held it in place, and hit the + button. I was greeted by a vibration speed that I will dub, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

I hit the + button a couple more times. Nothing happened. I held the + button down, and the vibe began speeding up. That was more like it. Sort of. I was having some trouble figuring out the vibration patterns, though. I figured I’d just give it a test run anyway.

It comes with a manual. Just read the manual, you guys.

For starters, the manual says that rechargeable batteries result in reduced vibration intensity. After I took the Kiki on its test run, I read that warning and I was like, “Oh, THAT’S my problem!” But no. No, that wasn’t my problem, because I wasn’t using any of my rechargeable AAAs in the Kiki. It was made this way. The flaw is not in my battery choice.

The second thing you’ll gain from the manual is the knowledge that you have to hold down the + button for about two seconds to change the pattern settings. The Kiki boasts twelve modes, which contain a decent amount of variety in the patterns. One of them is even kind of… musical. I thought that was cool. I don’t own a single vibrator that has as much genuine pattern variety as the Kiki! But with a motor that could lose a race against a slice of bread, there isn’t enough power available for me to ENJOY those settings.

Finally, Picobong boasts that the Kiki is near silent. While it is a relatively quiet vibe, you’re going to be relatively quiet too… because it probably isn’t going to get you off.

Oh! And one last complaint… more of a pet peeve, really. Picobong’s box (and their site) says that the Kiki is great for C-spot stimulation. Where the hell is your C-spot? Can you show me? I’m pretty sure they mean the clitoris. That is not a “C-spot.” It is a clitoris. STOP, Picobong. Stop that. I hate that term. “C-spot?” It’s not a spot. My vulva is not a Dalmatian. It’s a clitoris. It’s filled with twice as many nerve endings as the penis. It is not a “spot” like the coin-sized G-spot. It’s more of a nub shape, at best. And it has a name. The clitoris. Don’t try to change it. Next you’re going to be selling me dildos and telling me they’ll stimulate my “v-spot.”

Also, they say you can put the Kiki inside yourself to stimulate the vaginal opening. Don’t make me laugh.

I spend my nights turning the Kiki on and off, switching between different settings, and dreaming about what sort of bliss my clitoris could be experiencing if this vibrator could plug into an electrical socket.

Thank you, Babeland, for providing me with the Kiki to review. I KNOW I’m going to write a positive product review for you guys one day. You’re a fantastic store with awesome products. This just was not a fantastic vibrator.

I’ve Got A Secret…

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Sep 112011

Tantus fangirl #14,948 reporting for duty.

Why do I like Tantus?

Because their silicone is awesome. I consider many of their products to be inventive. I like their packaging. In my limited experience, they’ve shipped promptly and their customer service is pleasant. So naturally, when Goodvibes was offering the Orange Dream, also known as Tantus’ “Little Secret” Spoon, I was all over that.

I mean, come on. Look how adorable that is. It’s orange! It’s small! It’s twee! “Cute” isn’t something I tend to look for in a vibrator, because I generally search for something under the “induces flash floods” category. However, cute definitely doesn’t hurt, and this vibrator manages to be cute without invoking imagery of some fuzzy animal that does NOT belong in the same sentence as “cunt.”

Did I mention it was orange?

IT’S ORANGE.

Sorry about that. Sometimes my overwhelming desire to have a rainbow toybox completely overrides the portion of my brain that types my reviews.

Moving on, this vibrator is of an incredibly unobtrusive size, and could, theoretically, be stuffed in even the smallest purse… if you ignore the fact that silicone desperately wishes that lint, dust, and hair could become part of its chemical composition. (However, this is totally irrelevant if you’ll have access to a place to wash your vibe before you play with it.) I took a photo of it next to my Droid X, which isn’t known for being the smallest phone, but fits in all of my pockets. If the Orange Dream had calling capabilities, it would be a hell of a lot less of a pain to tote around than my phone.

Tantus’ description of the Orange Dream says that it is “the perfect little G-spotter.” I don’t know who wrote that, but I want to pee on them. If this vibrator hits your G-spot, you let me know. I stuck it in me and was summarily… unimpressed. This wasn’t made to go inside those of us who tackle things like the Jollie on a regular basis. If it was knocking on my G-spot’s door, then my G-spot was in the shower, blasting music at several hundred decibels, while construction raged on outside.

The Orange Dream is really just a silicone sleeve over one of Tantus’ 80mm bullet vibrators, which runs on N-type batteries. The 80mm is actually reasonably powerful, for a bullet… it’s the sleeve that’s the problem.

I know Tantus does silicone. I know that some women prefer to place a towel between themselves and their vibrator… but usually, those women are using a Hitachi.

I want to like this vibrator. I do! It’s precious! All of them are! (Yes, I –did- just make each word into a separate link.) But the Orange Dream just isn’t doing it for me. I used it so many times and was disappointed each time… I mean, even the least demanding vibrator can make me come eventually, if paired with some other kind of stimulation. This wasn’t even doing that for me. The sleeve diffuses the vibrations so much that it’s… kind of appalling, to be honest. You wouldn’t think the bullet was very powerful, if you didn’t know that you could take it out. The thing is, I think the stimulation is supposed to be diffused, since the head is rounded and angled. That’s cute on my nipples or whatever, but my clit doesn’t want diffusion! MY CLIT WANTS TO BE JACKHAMMERED.

The sleeve also doesn’t diffuse the volume of the bullet very much. This isn’t entirely necessary, because it isn’t incredibly loud, but it’s like… if all the sleeve does is diffuse the vibrations and not the noise, why am I using it? Keep in mind that this is simply the Orange Dream model – the others all have different shapes, and Bedroom Blogger loved the Touch.

However, I just didn’t love this. It’s amazing Tantus silicone. It’s orange! It’s small. It’s waterproof. It’s cute. But it isn’t for me. It’ll get someone off… if they orgasm at the touch of a butterfly’s wing. But as far as I’m concerned, the only thing it can do for me is this:

Yes. It rolls. Yes, there were three people gathered around to watch this.

Many thanks to Goodvibes for providing me the Orange Dream for review and use as party entertainment!

Getting My Jollies

Reviews 6 Responses »

Jul 092011

I’m just going to preface this entry by showing you the notes I jotted down about this thing when I started drafting:

1) BEASTLY

2) MY CUNT WILL NOT HAVE IT

3) IT EATS LUBE

4) It’s 100% medical grade silicone, so while that means it’s awesome for putting in my electric kettle, it won’t have anything to do with my bottle of Wet Platinum. Because of the shape, it won’t have anything to do with my vagina. But because of the material, it does as much as it can with every fuzzy, dust and hair-related particle in my room. But that’s actually not so bad, because I can just pop this sucker back in my kettle and boil it before I get down with myself.

5) Can’t really feel handle ridges

So those were my first impressions of it… and no, I don’t generally write my notes in allcaps, if that tells you anything.

I’ll explain each of these, obviously. And then I’m going to tell you why it’s my new favorite toy.

[Image description: A pink dildo sits on a white background. The dildo is relatively phallic, with a bulbous bump near the head of the toy. A protruding, handle-like piece is positioned at the bottom of the toy, complete with a hole that would be ideal as a fingerhold.]

1) I’m not an idiot (that may or may not be my mantra), so I tend to do a lot of research before purchasing toys. When Epiphora mentioned that Jollies was going out of business and that JT’s Stockroom still had the Valentine’s Jollie, I spent a good ten or fifteen minutes chewing my nails and reading several reviews that she linked to determine whether I wanted to spend this money before the Jollie went off the market forever. There were some warnings posted, and the Stockroom site even offers dimensions for the product, but I’m totally inept at putting those numbers to a visual. The only time I felt like I really saw the Jollie at proper scale was in the Wanton Lotus video review of it… and I promptly cried, “It’s HUGE… I have to buy it!” I’m not a size queen. In fact, I have spent the vast majority of my life being the opposite of a size queen, because my sex with Ex generally always resulted in some spotting afterward. (His girth wasn’t the only reason, but it was a significant contributing factor.) But this dildo was a really cool idea, and it was going off the market, and I was seduced by the idea that I would have something that no one else could get soon. (I’m petty, sue me.)

So the Jollie came, and despite the videos and the warnings, I took it out of the box and I was like, “WHAT?” Like I said, it’s pretty beastly. If you check out the photo on my preview post, you will find that its girth dwarfs pretty much every other toy there. The only adjective I could think of for the shape in my image description was “misshapen,” which is a considerably less-than-stellar word to use when you’re talking about a toy that you actually like. You will find that this fucked-up shape is actually what passes as “ergonomic” in the world of things that you stick in your vagina. That’s right – the word ergonomic is no longer limited to office supplies. I would like to think of the Jollie as the Quasimodo of my toy collection. Rest assured, the comparison is warranted, because I can tell you right now that when I die, my skeleton will be found entwined with this thing.

2) My first attempt at fucking myself with the Jollie was somewhat less-than-stellar. I tried to insert it while I was chilling out in my desk chair. But here’s the thing… I have this bad habit of ejecting my tampons when I sneeze. Without any sneezing necessary, my pussy forcefully expelled this thing as if it were a tampon. The g-spot bump did absolutely nothing to keep it inside me. The Jollie was an expansive foreign body, and my twat wanted it out.

3) While pondering over why the Jollie wouldn’t peacefully occupy my pussy, I briefly speculated that maybe I had too much lubricant. Bullshit! There’s no such thing as too much lubricant! Besides, every time I ejected it, it was practically dry. The third time I had expelled it after coating it up with yet another layer of water-based lube, I began to wonder if more drastic measures were in order. Virgin sacrifice?

4 & 5) That’s self-explanatory, right?

Now I’m going to tell you why I’m so happy about owning the Jollie:

I had a literally hands-free orgasm in less than ten minutes.

Why Women Want the Wahl

Reviews 3 Responses »

Jun 252011

I got out my porn and toys and my best friend asked, “Want me to bring you towels?” Oh, beautiful angel of mercy. You know me so well. I meticulously arranged the towels and got myself set up to play. I was ready for my mind to be blown. For starters, I’ve never used a vibrator that wasn’t operated by AAAs or AAs until I bought the Wahl, but it goes without saying that a corded vibe is supposed to be intense. I noticed that the Wahl’s cord has your standard, “Please don’t shower with me” warning label, but said label also warns against use on your genitals. As I plugged the Wahl in for the first time, I caught sight of that warning label and laughed, knowingly, murmuring, “Puh-lease, what’s the worst that could happen?” Everyone raves about this thing. I don’t think I’ve read a completely negative review of it yet. Maybe I just haven’t been looking hard enough. But for $13, which is roughly the price that it cost me on Amazon, it was beyond worth it. While the thing is a little big, somewhat gun-shaped, and rather heavy at the head of the device, the two vibration speeds are both incredibly agreeable.

: Refer to this image from Amazon, because I’m gripped by the urge to masturbate with this thing every time I remove it from the box, not take pictures of it.

[Image description: The Wahl 7-in-1 Electric Vibrator is sitting on a white background. The vibrator consists of a grey handle with a bulbous, round-edged, somewhat square-shaped head extending from one end. The other end of the vibrator has a power cord connected to it, and the Wahl has a bell-shaped white end attachment sticking out from the square at the other end. Shown around the Wahl are its six other head attachments: a head that is a slightly-domed, smooth, flat-ish disc, a head that is covered in three circles of nubs arranged in a bullseye pattern, a head that has a bullseye shape constructed by smooth lines and a nub, a head that is just a very large nub, a head that is a rectangle with four rippled shapes protruding from it, and a somewhat pyramid-shaped head with rounded edges.]

The Wahl has three settings: Off, Awesome, and OH FUCKING SHIT.
The first speed (which I nicknamed “Awesome”) is a pretty intense surface vibration that’s leg-twitch inducing when you brush it across the clitoris. The second speed (“Oh Fucking Shit”) is a little different. It feels deeper and more layered than the first, and it’s oh-so-satisfying. To me, the vibrations from the second speed are far more penetrating than the first. After experiencing the second speed, when I compare the two, I’m actually inclined to call the first speed a “light vibration,” even though there’s nothing light about it from a standalone perspective. Both of the vibration speeds are almost silent compared to the battery vibrators in my arsenal.

I generally opt to masturbate quietly when it’s just me, unless I’m feeling especially sexy, but I didn’t get a choice on this. It had been an hour of repeated, orgasm-less ejaculation. (I think I counted five. I think.) The last segment of Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes 2 was off, and free porn was on. I had the spot applicator (Epiphora‘s recommended jilling tip) on the Wahl. My anal beads were in, the Wahl was nestled against my clitoris and held in place between my legs because my hand had gone numb, and I had my jackrabbit in, thrusting against my g-spot. It was just too much.

What came out of my mouth was not the confident, empowered moan that my lips are accustomed to. It was like I was riding in the backseat, and the front seat was populated by an overwhelmed toddler that was reaching the apex of a hissy fit. (Note to self: never reference anyone under the age of 18 in sex blog again.) I wailed and it felt passive. I shuddered, convulsed, my legs twitched like crazy, and I soaked the towel in another gush that was so late in the orgasm that it was almost after the fact. A moment later, I felt like I lost all basic control of my bodily functions. The dildo left me without any work on the part of my hands, but my ass was like a vice, even five minutes later. To summarize the aftermath, I present to you the Lost Tweets, which Twitter stalled out and refused to post… probably for the sake of saving face for me.

“Oh. So that’s what a queef sounds like. No wonder it’s so taboo.”

“My ass feels like Thunderdome gone wrong. FOUR BEADS ENTER, NONE LEAVE.”

It was all such a blur that I can’t even tell you whether I was using Awesome or Oh Fucking Shit. I don’t remember. As I was packing up the Wahl, I caught sight of the warning label again. It needs something about temporary movement impairment.

My complaints about the Wahl are minimal. The size is a little bulbous, and a majority of the weight is focused in the head of the device, so it’s a little unbalanced and a bit heavy, at worst. It would probably be inconvenient to integrate into partner sex play if you had two bodies pushed against one another, like one might in the missionary position.

It will numb your hand if you hold it for too long, but I tended to solve this problem by positioning the vibrator with my hands, then holding it in place with my thighs. (Additionally, the numb hand is still totally worth the orgasm.) Another complaint relating to the hands is that the heads require a little bit of effort to attach and remove. I think this is reasonable enough when you consider that once the heads are fully attached, they don’t go anywhere, but, those who have problems with or disabilities relating to their hands (arthritis being the first and foremost that came to mind) might have a hard time forcing the different heads into place.

The cord means you need to be near an outlet, which isn’t a problem for me, but means that this probably wouldn’t be very convenient for sex out of the home. Because of the cord, its size, and the small size of my portable toybox, the Wahl may not make it into my “on-the-go” kit. However, the Wahl has a very special place in my bedroom.

Get one. Get one now. Get two for the hell of it, because you can get it dirt cheap on Amazon. Use the ripple-y head on your thighs to work out the soreness from reverse cowgirl. (Did that.) Use the deep muscle head on your back to give yourself the massage you need. (Did that, too.) After all of that, settle in with a glass of wine, your choice of porno, literotica, or fantasy, and use the spot applicator to have the fun you deserve. Just make sure that the Wahl’s acclaimed “silence” isn’t essential, because while the vibrator might be relatively quiet, you won’t be.

Pros		Cons
ORGASMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!		It’s big, and a bit heavy.
Super-quiet.		It numbs my hand after a while.
Multiple heads.		All heads not suitable for genitals.
Amazingly cheap.		It’s corded.
No batteries!		Wouldn’t be very comfortable between two people in missionary.
You can use it for things other than jilling! (But why would you want to?)		It gets a little warm after a while.