Back at the beginning of May I masturbated with dildos for the second time in over a year. I spent over two hours masturbating and livetweeting it, and I hashtagged it #Jerkathon. I piled my sex toys for the night into an empty McDonald’s bag and carried all my things to the bedroom, and I was ready to begin.
Blogger life: “Where does this massager go? Does it say anything about how to fuck it? Does it say NOT to fuck it? Do I care enough to not?”
— Sugarcunt (@SugarCunt) May 9, 2015
Me: “So… it’s gonna be a fun time. Maybe not for my clitoris, but for my readers, at least.” I selflessly do this for you, people. — Sugarcunt (@SugarCunt) May 9, 2015
This is your genital guinea pig reporting in with a new vibrator after my long absence. I asked SheVibe for a Bodispa wand vibrator because I was intrigued by it. For starters it’s called “The Bodi-Spa Almighty Hot-Cold Body Massager” and if the use of the word “almighty” in a product’s name doesn’t pique your interest then you’re dead inside. I was super curious about the hot/cold functionality and really excited about the idea of putting something toasty on my genitals.
The box was enormous. The toy is enormous. As we all know I have a unique difficulty with product specs. Even with a ruler out I just don’t get them… so nothing prepared me for how huge this thing is. I mean I thought the Amsterdam was big but I did not understand that the tip of the Bodispa would be bigger than a clown shoe. I pulled the Bodispa out and gasped, “This is wider than my entire vulva.” It is roughly the size AND weight of a scepter. It kind of reminds me of the scepter in Super Mario Brothers.
When I marvel at the size of it I know that it is not made for genitals. That much is apparent. The manual doesn’t say “put it on your junk,” but neither did the Hitachi and Wahl manuals. In fact I’m fairly certain that the Wahl warns you NOT to. (I’m a blogger, I LAUGH in the face of danger!)
I mean of course I tried the Bodispa out on other places, but I don’t generally request products unless they have some sexual function. In fact, if I CAN’T put it on my genitals or use it to rub someone down, tie someone up, and/or (consensually) beat them, I usually pass on it.
In broken English the Bodispa manual tells me all the important stuff: charge for eight hours, don’t use on broken skin, don’t stare directly at the sun, whatever. The manual says one charge should last 45 minutes, but I’m not sure whether that’s with or without the temperature settings.
If you need small toys, this is not the toy for you. If you need discreet toys, this is not the toy for you. If you want to hear your porn, this is not the toy for you. The first time I heard it I decided that the BodiSpa Almighty sounds like a tractor fucking another tractor in the tailpipe. My partner says this is a slight exaggeration.
The thing that drew me to the BodiSpa was that it has heating and cooling settings. To the BodiSpa’s credit, it heats and cools REALLY quickly, and doesn’t seem to have much trouble going from one setting to the other. The temperature stuff is transmitted through a big metal circle in the middle of the head, and it has pretty colored lights around it to indicate what temperature setting you’re on.
The warm setting on my vulva is pretty nice as long as I don’t think, “Am I peeing myself? I might be peeing myself.” Because I’m not peeing on myself when I use it, and don’t recommend peeing on yourself with this piece of equipment pressed against your genitals. It has vent holes and you will ruin it. The cold setting is very refreshing. I anticipate summer coming up because I’m probably going to spend a lot of time with this thing nestled between my legs on the cold setting… assuming I can ignore the numbness in my thighs from the vibrations.
This thing vibrates a LOT. It’s not very buzzy; both speeds are really rumbly, so the massager vibrates my legs. I’m pretty sure that whenever I have it between my thighs for a long time I can actually feel my body stop shaking a few seconds after the toy turns off. It’s not orgasmic shaking, it’s just shaking because the toy has been jostling me around. I actually wish it had just a temperature-on setting without vibrations because I’d love to have the temperature stuff without the hellaciously loud vibrations.
When I tried the BodiSpa out at first I was not impressed. I didn’t think I was going to get any orgasms out of it because of how the vibrations are spread out. Back when I had my hood piercing I found that I preferred broad stimulation over pinpoint, but these are too broad.
With the shape of my vulva (it’s fat) there’s also no way I can get this vibrator directly up against my clitoris – instead I just have to let it vibrate the top of my vulva… which actually works! I’ve had several orgasms thanks to the BodiSpa, but they’re not the most amazing orgasms I’ve ever had. It’s kind of like having the orgasm equivalent of being in a shallow wave pool – you know the waves are more substantial in the deep end but you keep getting washed closer to the shore. I have no idea how to get to the deep end with this thing, and I’m not sure there’s actually a way to get there just because of the shape of my body and the size of the toy.
With that said, I actually really like this massager. Do I recommend it as a sex toy? Ehhh. I think that you probably need to have a very specific genital configuration or the ability to get off by vibrating your overall genital region. If you need pinpoint stimulation I absolutely do not recommend this. Obviously. It’s huge.
With the BodiSpa’s iffy sex toy capabilities aside, I think it’s a pretty awesome massager. I keep finding myself using it, turning the heat setting on and massaging my thighs, my shoulders, my vulva. I use it more for massaging than I do for trying to get off. It’s like I’m not even a sex blogger anymore. The hot/cold functionality is pretty awesome. Pressing the massager firmly against my body doesn’t feel like it dulls the vibrations.
It is so cool and so not-obviously-a-sex-toy that I’m seriously considering getting one for my mom.
As you well know, sometimes my blog has dormant periods. That’s not really the way I want it to be all the time, but we all have lives outside of blogging, even if we don’t want to. I was dusting off after one of these dormant periods and checking the adult news networks and I saw an article saying that Tenga’s Iroha line that was going to be released. I was so excited I nearly wet myself. They looked SO GOOD. At the time the article was released it stated that Liberator was going to exclusively carry Iroha. So I e-mailed Liberator.
Me: [eloquently] “Would you help me tickle my clitoris?”
I didn’t actually say it that way. I WAS eloquent, but nowhere in my e-mail inquiry did I use the phrase “tickle my clitoris.” And nowhere in any of yours should you include that phrase, either. #reviewer101
But yeah, no response. I was a little down and so I let it go for a while… then I read another article about the line and decided to go to Tenga’s website and e-mail them. And if you ask for what you want, sometimes you might get it!
Tenga was generous enough to send me not one, not two, but all three of the Iroha vibes to review. I was so excited that I made Vines of myself unboxing them. They are so beautiful. They look like mochi, a delicious glutinous rice cake that you probably don’t want to rub all over your genitals (but if you do then more power to you, I guess). I’m led to believe that the similarity in appearance was planned, since Tenga’s goal was to mirror their culture in the toys. And in addition to the aesthetics of Iroha, I also appreciate the mission behind the line. The vibes were created with the belief that masturbation should be appreciated the same way that we appreciate self care. I support that belief 100%. Sexual desire is a natural need and should be nurtured!
My first impressions were good all around. They’re beautiful toys, and the packaging is attractive. The storage for an Iroha vibrator is a case that is also a charging station. The bases are magnetic and have little indentations for the buttons on the back of the vibrators to rest in. I feel like this is not only much more attractive than a flimsy bag, but also promotes a sense of pride in these works of art by giving me a way to show them off. I know that plenty of people need to keep their sex toys packed discreetly away, but for those of us that just leave them sitting around the house, it’s nice to have a little display case.
But chances are that many consumers don’t care about those details… you probably care more about how the toy feels on your genitals. If you’re going to spend $99, I understand that – I would too. The good news is that I can tell you!
All three vibrators have the same features. The material is a type of food-grade silicone called Soft Touch, and it is water-resistant and dust-proof and pleasantly squishy. These vibrators are the only sex toys in my house that haven’t attracted a metric ton of dust or hair. If you’re a cat owner, you can probably understand my appreciation of that. Each toy has two buttons that control four vibration modes – three speeds and a pulsing motion.
I find the vibrations to be more than agreeable. For starters, they are quiet without sacrificing strength. I can use the Iroha vibes in bed at night next to my sleeping partner without waking him up. And while the vibrations aren’t the strongest I have ever felt, they more than adequately do the job for me. I turn my vibrators up to the third setting (high speed) and that’s really the only one I need to use. I have had an orgasm on the lower settings, but getting there takes considerably less time on the third.
My favorite toy of the bunch is Midori. In addition to being a lovely green color, Midori has a very simple rounded shape with a nub on one end. Midori is recommended for use on all erogenous zones. I press that nub against my clitoris and I’m pretty sure that my vagina sings. It provides broad stimulation instead of pinpoint, and I’ve discovered that broad stimulation is really good for me. The nub carries the vibrations much better than the tip of Yuki, the white vibrator.
Yuki is recommended for stimulating the opening of your vagina, and while some people were dubious about that, I gave it a try and found that I liked it. I didn’t have an orgasm from using Yuki alone, but the vibrations at the opening of my vagina were pleasurable. I used Yuki in my vagina and Sakura on my clitoris at the same time and had a wonderful orgasm.
Sakura, the aptly-named pink vibrator, has two little arms that can be used in a pinching motion. I had a lot of difficulty with this. Trying to pinch my clitoris didn’t really work for me because it isn’t very prominent, but trying to pinch my nipple also wasn’t a wild success because it was slightly too large to sandwich in between the vibrator’s arms. I could still reach climax using it, but I felt like I wasn’t really using it as was intended. Then again, one might argue that there’s no “right” way to use a vibrator as long as you’re not letting your ass eat it or doing something else unsafe that will require medical attention.
There is something I do have to mention, though, that isn’t perfect about the Iroha vibrators. Some of the earlier batches had a defect in the back panel where the buttons are located. One of my toys had this defect, and the plastic panel popped out of the toy. Not all the way out, but it protruded and despite how much I tried to push it back in, it wouldn’t stay in position. The toy still functioned, but it was slightly annoying. I was not the only person to notice this.
— Lorax Of Sex (@LoraxOfSex) September 18, 2013
— ss ash (@ashtheelf) September 18, 2013
I got in touch with my contact at Tenga and he assured me that this defect has been fixed in future batches, and that the replacement of this toy will be covered by the 1-year warranty. So if you’ve already bought a toy from the Iroha line and you’ve experienced this problem, just send it back in for warranty repairs by contacting [email protected]. I’m going to be doing this to replace my vibe that popped open.
The bottom line is that I can’t recommend the Iroha toys enough. While the defect was a bit off-putting, the new batches seem to be holding up quite nicely, and Tenga has been very gracious about replacing the defective toys. I think that the three Iroha vibrators are unique because they provide different options for sensation – pinching, pressing, and some internal stimulation that I think feels quite nice. If you only buy one, my opinion is that Midori is absolutely the best. No gimmicks there, just good vibrations.
I owe huge thanks to Tenga – they provided me the Iroha toys free of charge in exchange for an honest review, and they have been very helpful and patient with me! Be sure to check out the Iroha website if you’re interested in learning more about these toys! And if you’re going to buy the Iroha toys, SheVibe has them! Yay SheVibe!
Hello! It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ve been very busy and I’m also knee deep in sex toys, so I’m playing catch-up. This is good news for you, my readers, because it means CONTENT!
First up: the Leaf Life. The Life is a product that I’ve lusted after since I first heard about it. It comes in a nice eco-friendly-looking box with a charging cord and a bag to hold it. It’s attractive, ergonomic, and a beautiful shade of green. It is made out of medical-grade silicone. It has a single button that is located under the skin, so the entire toy has a largely seamless appearance. It’s rechargeable AND waterproof. The Life goes from 0 to 60 at the push of a button – you just hold it down to increase the speed, and the maximum speed is pretty great. By all accounts, this toy is uber impressive, and it should be an orgasm machine.
But it doesn’t get me off.
Well, that’s not wholly true. It got me off a few times, but each of those times took FOREVER. Which is, for me, the equivalent of not getting off. I mean, sometimes it’s fun to take an hour to reach orgasm, but it gets dull when you aren’t getting the gratification you want. As a side note, I look back at some of my first blog posts and find that it’s hilarious that I have gone from, “Yay, a toy made me orgasm!” to, “Boo, why is it taking 20 minutes for me to come?”
When you’ve become accustomed to having speedy orgasms, sometimes you find yourself sitting there, not orgasming, with genitals stuffed to the brim with sex paraphernalia and you’re like, “Maybe I should go make a sandwich or something.” One time I actually fell asleep for a few minutes while it was on and between my legs. And this just in: apparently yelling “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” at the top of your lungs in the general direction of your genitals doesn’t make you reach orgasm more quickly. Who knew?
The bottom line is that if I’m hoping to get off in ten to twenty minutes or less, I have learned that I just can’t reach for this toy. And that’s hard for me, from a reviewer’s standpoint. I can’t say that this is a bad toy, because it’s actually a very good toy from a technical standpoint – it is attractive, it boasts a fair amount of power, and I think it’s pretty well-designed. I like it as a device, and I desperately want to have orgasms with it, but it just isn’t very effective for me.
What this toy did do for me was help me gain some perspective on what I need in a vibrator. At the same time that I was reviewing this toy I also received the Tenga Iroha line to review (you’ll get to read that soon, I promise). While the Life was faster than the Iroha vibrators, the Iroha toys got me off in ways that the Life just couldn’t. The key difference, I think, is that the Iroha vibrators cover a broad surface area, whereas the Life has a really small tip. The Life is clearly meant to offer pinpoint stimulation, and I think that’s what just doesn’t do it for me. In retrospect, Epiphora noted the nature of the pinpoint stimulation in her review… but when I asked to review the Life I had no idea what kind of stimulation I liked. So while I’m sad that I’m not a pinpoint-stimulation kind of person who can fully enjoy this beautiful sex toy, I am happy that I’ve learned a bit more about my body.
I don’t recommend buying it if you know you prefer broad stimulation. If you aren’t sure if you like pinpoint stimulation, I would look for a cheaper alternative to try first before I dropped $99 on the Life. While it’s an attractive toy to have in your toybox, you probably want to get some orgasms out of it, too.
If you’re disappointed that I haven’t trashed the toy in this review, I suppose I can touch on couple things… there’s a barely-perceptible seam along the bottom of the toy, but it doesn’t bother me during use or cleaning. The only (minor) flaw I’ve found is that the Life is a little bit vroom-y in terms of sound. It isn’t the loudest toy I’ve ever heard, but it’s not the quietest, either. It’s just kind of buzzy. I think the sound that it puts out is fair for the power you get from it. I wouldn’t use it when I’m masturbating in bed at night beside my sleeping fiance, though. (By the way, I can’t be the only person in the world that asks, “Can I masturbate beside someone with this toy without them noticing,” right?)
If you like pinpoint stimulation, sleek ergonomic design, feeling good about buying eco-friendly, and that sexy, sexy shade of green, you can get the Leaf Life at Shevibe. Go forth, my minions, and shop!
I was dying to try a USB rechargeable vibrator. Since I agreed to dive into Nymphomaniac Ness’ orgasm diet plan, a USB rechargeable vibe seemed the most sensible toy for the task. Plug it in, take it with me, get off instead of mindlessly snacking, charge it wherever I can find a USB port. Easy, right? In theory, yes. In practice, no. Not with the Mia 2.
SheVibe was lovely enough to send me LELO’s Mia 2 USB rechargeable lipstick vibe. The Mia 2 boasts that it has more power than the first Mia, and that power increase gave me a lot of hope. If there’s one thing I need from my vibrators, it is power.
Unfortunately, that power increase didn’t mean much to me. While I’m sure it’s better than the first Mia was, it still wasn’t good enough.
When I initially turned the Mia on for the first time, it seemed like it was reasonably powerful. The charge time isn’t too bad. I’m pretty sure that the instructions told me to charge the Mia for the first time for 2 hours. You’re supposed to be able to get an hour and a half of vibration out of a fully-charged Mia. The Mia 2 has 6 vibration patterns, which are inevitably wasted on a one-trick pony like me. I like it strong and consistent, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the fact that I have options. And like the Picobong Kiki (I never thought I would bring up anything good about the Picobong Kiki, and I certainly never expected to compare to to a full-blown LELO product), the Mia has one vibration pattern that’s very musical. That gimmick never gets old to me. I can spend a LOT of time listening to a vibrator. I could have my own show: The Vibe Whisperer. Television producers, look no further, your ratings booster is here.
Anyway, straight out of the box with all the settings laid out before me, I was impressed. And then I tried it on my clit.
It’s not that the Mia doesn’t feel good. Of course it feels good! It just doesn’t feel THAT good. I constantly use the Mia on full power and just don’t get very much out of it.
The first time I used the Mia, I watched porn for 25 or 30 minutes and I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get off. I noticed the vibrations at first, but after a while I grew accustomed to how they felt and stopped getting any pleasure from the Mia at all. I finally switched to some different porn, which helped, but on the whole that entire masturbation session (in which I only used the Mia) took me about 45 minutes. And when it finally hit me, the orgasm didn’t leave me breathless – it just left me, period.
Now, I’m all for “self-loving” masturbation, but for me, there is a difference between jacking off and settling in for an extended masturbation session. When I jack off, I don’t want to sit there for 30 minutes waiting for an orgasm to show up out of the blue. Sometimes, especially when I’m feeling dysphoric, I want to get in, come once, and get out and be done with the whole affair. I’m not going to reach for the Mia when I’m jerking it under those circumstances because it just takes too long. But because I don’t find the Mia very stimulating, I’m probably not going to use it for extended periods of masturbation, either. I’m going to reach for a stronger vibrator that feels more present than the Mia does. If it can’t keep my attention, it doesn’t belong near my vagina.
I used the Mia for a week straight. Toward the end of the week, I would give up after 20 minutes or so and pull out the big guns. I’ve tried using both sides of the Mia on my clit and while the bottom definitely feels more stimulating than the lid (for obvious reasons), it just doesn’t do it for me.The most fun I had with the Mia 2 was with my partner. He had me bent over on my knees, blindfolded, and used it on me. Despite being enjoyable, it still didn’t bring me to orgasm. If it takes being deprived of one of my senses for me to adequately enjoy the Mia, then we just aren’t meant to be together.
One thing I really like about the Mia is that it’s been relatively easy to clean. Since it’s waterproof, I can just throw the whole shebang in the sink. I was worried that the buttons would trap gunk and be difficult to clean, but that hasn’t been the case. That’s not really enough to work the Mia into my regular sex toy rotation, though. [Edit: Dangerous Lilly pointed out in the comments that her Mia 2 does trap gunk in the buttons. I think mine probably didn’t because it doesn’t really do much for me.]
I have very specific needs, and apparently a lot of power is one of those needs. The Hitachi isn’t the only vibrator that brings me to orgasm – it’s one of several vibrators that gets the job done better than the Mia ever could. Maybe the Mia couldn’t provide me with enough power because it’s USB rechargeable. Maybe the Mia’s stimulation style – pinpoint – isn’t what I need. Plenty of people love the Mia 2, so this is clearly a matter of taste. Whatever the reason, though, it just isn’t for me. If you like pinpoint stimulation and don’t require T-rex strength vibrations, then the Mia 2 has a better chance of working for you than it did for me.
The bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator is a remote-controlled vibrating
bullet egg. An egg. The thing is enormous. It’s longer than most eggs, but not quite as rounded.
To be honest with you, I’m not quite sure what they’re unleashing. I have an original bNaughty (we’re talking about the corded classic before they did the redesign), and I don’t think the Unleashed offers much more power than the original.
Wait. “Unleashed” as in untethered. Got it. Suddenly I realize why my expectations weren’t quite met.
But aside from being literally unleashed, the bNaughty Unleashed still isn’t especially powerful. It comes with 7 settings: 1 – 3 are constant vibrations at different speeds. 4 begins by ramping up, vibrates constantly for a few seconds, then ramps back up from the beginning again. 5 is constant pulsing. 6 is the same constant pulsing, except faster. 7 is a constant vibration that begins by pulsing three times. The vibrations are buzzy, and while they’re capable of getting me off when I use the vibrator clitorally, I wouldn’t call the ensuing orgasm “spectacular” by any means.
If you’re more into buzzy vibrations than I am, you might find that you have more fun with this toy. The vibrations are also loud. They aren’t Hitachi-loud, but they definitely aren’t whisper-quiet. A lot of people imagine going out in public with a wireless bullet in their panties and the remote in their partner’s hand. You won’t be doing that with this vibe. For starters, the massive egg and its little tail would be inconvenient to shove in your underwear and keep in place. But really, the biggest problem is the noise. You’d have to go to a rave for the noise this thing makes to go unnoticed.
The vibrator is controlled by the little black remote. The bottom button powers the vibe on and off, and the top button changes the vibration settings. The little display is actually kind of neat – it tells you what setting you’re on by displaying a number in the upper-right-hand corner, and the little flower in the center of the display has different segments that light up in time with the vibration you’re on.
This vibrator just didn’t work very well for me. Sure, I got off, but I didn’t enjoy it too much. For starters, I have my clitoral hood pierced and had to keep repositioning the bullet so it didn’t rattle against my jewelry. The egg’s tip is slightly pointed, which is definitely better than what you find on most vibrating bullets, but the tip still isn’t defined enough for me to really get the kind of pinpoint stimulation that I enjoy the most.
The vibrating egg also has a seam. Two seams – one where the egg opens up to reveal the battery compartment, and one on the backside of the plastic strip that holds the batteries in. You’ll need something very thin (a needle, maybe – a fingernail doesn’t get it all out) to clean the seam. I don’t like the seam. It would be one thing if the bNaughty Unleashed brought me to a roaring orgasm – that seems like a fair trade for the cleaning time.
I used the bNaughty Unleashed roughly three times, and not for very long masturbation sessions. When I went to write this review, I fished it out of its bag (did I mention it comes with a little black pouch? It comes with a little black pouch), went to turn it on, and nothing happened. I tried replacing the batteries in the bullet and it still didn’t work. I had to change the remote battery as well. The device takes three batteries – the remote takes one A23 battery, and the bullet takes two N batteries. Kudos on finding the most obscure batteries you can think of, bSwish.
Also, if you don’t have nails long enough to get under the remote battery, good luck fishing it out. I had to wait until I had long nails again before I could swap out the remote battery… absolutely ridiculous. Every inanimate object that I used in an attempt to pop the battery out was useless to me, yet the battery came out easily when I slid my nail under it.
In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a little bit resentful about the battery hubbub. I can usually get at least 5 uses out of a vibrator before it starts to go south… usually many more than that, to be honest. But this thing threw in the towel after three short rounds. Does it just eat batteries? Were the batteries that came with it just bad? Who can say?
My ultimate verdict is that the bNaughty Unleashed isn’t for me. It doesn’t blow my mind. It’s just kind of “meh.” If I want to use a battery-operated vibrator, I have a different go-to vibe that is buzzy, but actually feels really good. My go-to vibe is also more quiet than the bNaughty Unleashed. I’m not going to lie: it’s nice to have a wireless remote in your hand or beside you on the bed so that you aren’t constantly tethered to your groin, but most bullets that I have used have cords that are long enough for me to not feel too inconvenienced. The remote doesn’t make this vibe worth it for me. If you don’t mind the noise, the buzziness, and don’t require a TON of pinpoint stimulation, this will probably give you an orgasm if you’re in the market for a wireless vibrator… but probably not the best orgasm of your life. I can think of some better uses for this vibe:
- Play a game of hide-the-vibe where your partner has to find it.
- Scare your partner by hiding it under their pillow and switching it on at bedtime.
- Scare guests by sewing a little mouse or snake costume on it and randomly switching it on to let it rattle across the floor.
- Baffle your housemates by leaving it on and hiding it somewhere so that they will periodically ask, “Do you hear vibrating?” and you can say, “No, why?”
Maybe I’m just an asshole.
A big thank you goes out to Good Vibrations for providing me with the bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator to review!
“…do I actually have this on my crotch? Yes. Yes, it’s definitely touching me. And I’m definitely holding it in the general region of my clit, but… is it on? Of course it’s on, I can hear it. I.. I think it’s touching my clit. WHY CAN’T I FEEL ANYTHING?”
That’s pretty much everything you need to know about the Kiki Vibe from Picobong. Picobong is a new, more affordable line from LELO, and so I expected… something from this toy. Something other than what I was given.
I was excited about it, at first. It’s cute! (Look at the nubby shape! The colors!) It’s small! (About as long as my palm. In fact, that image beside you is about to scale, if you hold the product up to your monitor.) THAT IS ADORABLE, right? The outer shell of most of the vibrator (save the battery cap) is silicone. The entire toy is waterproof. And while you may not have noticed this initially (as I didn’t, until the product was in my hands), the P and B are the + and – buttons. That blew my mind.
I swear to god, I thought this thing was going to rock my world. Just looking at it was like finding out that you can hold the shower head against your genitals.
So, I tore the Kiki out of the box, rinsed off the smudging that occurred from the black cardstock-like paper that held it in place, and hit the + button. I was greeted by a vibration speed that I will dub, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
I hit the + button a couple more times. Nothing happened. I held the + button down, and the vibe began speeding up. That was more like it. Sort of. I was having some trouble figuring out the vibration patterns, though. I figured I’d just give it a test run anyway.
It comes with a manual. Just read the manual, you guys.
For starters, the manual says that rechargeable batteries result in reduced vibration intensity. After I took the Kiki on its test run, I read that warning and I was like, “Oh, THAT’S my problem!” But no. No, that wasn’t my problem, because I wasn’t using any of my rechargeable AAAs in the Kiki. It was made this way. The flaw is not in my battery choice.
The second thing you’ll gain from the manual is the knowledge that you have to hold down the + button for about two seconds to change the pattern settings. The Kiki boasts twelve modes, which contain a decent amount of variety in the patterns. One of them is even kind of… musical. I thought that was cool. I don’t own a single vibrator that has as much genuine pattern variety as the Kiki! But with a motor that could lose a race against a slice of bread, there isn’t enough power available for me to ENJOY those settings.
Finally, Picobong boasts that the Kiki is near silent. While it is a relatively quiet vibe, you’re going to be relatively quiet too… because it probably isn’t going to get you off.
Oh! And one last complaint… more of a pet peeve, really. Picobong’s box (and their site) says that the Kiki is great for C-spot stimulation. Where the hell is your C-spot? Can you show me? I’m pretty sure they mean the clitoris. That is not a “C-spot.” It is a clitoris. STOP, Picobong. Stop that. I hate that term. “C-spot?” It’s not a spot. My vulva is not a Dalmatian. It’s a clitoris. It’s filled with twice as many nerve endings as the penis. It is not a “spot” like the coin-sized G-spot. It’s more of a nub shape, at best. And it has a name. The clitoris. Don’t try to change it. Next you’re going to be selling me dildos and telling me they’ll stimulate my “v-spot.”
Also, they say you can put the Kiki inside yourself to stimulate the vaginal opening. Don’t make me laugh.
I spend my nights turning the Kiki on and off, switching between different settings, and dreaming about what sort of bliss my clitoris could be experiencing if this vibrator could plug into an electrical socket.
Tantus fangirl #14,948 reporting for duty.
Why do I like Tantus?
Because their silicone is awesome. I consider many of their products to be inventive. I like their packaging. In my limited experience, they’ve shipped promptly and their customer service is pleasant. So naturally, when Goodvibes was offering the Orange Dream, also known as Tantus’ “Little Secret” Spoon, I was all over that.
I mean, come on. Look how adorable that is. It’s orange! It’s small! It’s twee! “Cute” isn’t something I tend to look for in a vibrator, because I generally search for something under the “induces flash floods” category. However, cute definitely doesn’t hurt, and this vibrator manages to be cute without invoking imagery of some fuzzy animal that does NOT belong in the same sentence as “cunt.”
Did I mention it was orange?
Sorry about that. Sometimes my overwhelming desire to have a rainbow toybox completely overrides the portion of my brain that types my reviews.
Moving on, this vibrator is of an incredibly unobtrusive size, and could, theoretically, be stuffed in even the smallest purse… if you ignore the fact that silicone desperately wishes that lint, dust, and hair could become part of its chemical composition. (However, this is totally irrelevant if you’ll have access to a place to wash your vibe before you play with it.) I took a photo of it next to my Droid X, which isn’t known for being the smallest phone, but fits in all of my pockets. If the Orange Dream had calling capabilities, it would be a hell of a lot less of a pain to tote around than my phone.
Tantus’ description of the Orange Dream says that it is “the perfect little G-spotter.” I don’t know who wrote that, but I want to pee on them. If this vibrator hits your G-spot, you let me know. I stuck it in me and was summarily… unimpressed. This wasn’t made to go inside those of us who tackle things like the Jollie on a regular basis. If it was knocking on my G-spot’s door, then my G-spot was in the shower, blasting music at several hundred decibels, while construction raged on outside.
The Orange Dream is really just a silicone sleeve over one of Tantus’ 80mm bullet vibrators, which runs on N-type batteries. The 80mm is actually reasonably powerful, for a bullet… it’s the sleeve that’s the problem.
I know Tantus does silicone. I know that some women prefer to place a towel between themselves and their vibrator… but usually, those women are using a Hitachi.
I want to like this vibrator. I do! It’s precious! All of them are! (Yes, I –did- just make each word into a separate link.) But the Orange Dream just isn’t doing it for me. I used it so many times and was disappointed each time… I mean, even the least demanding vibrator can make me come eventually, if paired with some other kind of stimulation. This wasn’t even doing that for me. The sleeve diffuses the vibrations so much that it’s… kind of appalling, to be honest. You wouldn’t think the bullet was very powerful, if you didn’t know that you could take it out. The thing is, I think the stimulation is supposed to be diffused, since the head is rounded and angled. That’s cute on my nipples or whatever, but my clit doesn’t want diffusion! MY CLIT WANTS TO BE JACKHAMMERED.
The sleeve also doesn’t diffuse the volume of the bullet very much. This isn’t entirely necessary, because it isn’t incredibly loud, but it’s like… if all the sleeve does is diffuse the vibrations and not the noise, why am I using it? Keep in mind that this is simply the Orange Dream model – the others all have different shapes, and Bedroom Blogger loved the Touch.
However, I just didn’t love this. It’s amazing Tantus silicone. It’s orange! It’s small. It’s waterproof. It’s cute. But it isn’t for me. It’ll get someone off… if they orgasm at the touch of a butterfly’s wing. But as far as I’m concerned, the only thing it can do for me is this:
I’m just going to preface this entry by showing you the notes I jotted down about this thing when I started drafting:
2) MY CUNT WILL NOT HAVE IT
3) IT EATS LUBE
4) It’s 100% medical grade silicone, so while that means it’s awesome for putting in my electric kettle, it won’t have anything to do with my bottle of Wet Platinum. Because of the shape, it won’t have anything to do with my vagina. But because of the material, it does as much as it can with every fuzzy, dust and hair-related particle in my room. But that’s actually not so bad, because I can just pop this sucker back in my kettle and boil it before I get down with myself.
5) Can’t really feel handle ridges
So those were my first impressions of it… and no, I don’t generally write my notes in allcaps, if that tells you anything.
I’ll explain each of these, obviously. And then I’m going to tell you why it’s my new favorite toy.
[Image description: A pink dildo sits on a white background. The dildo is relatively phallic, with a bulbous bump near the head of the toy. A protruding, handle-like piece is positioned at the bottom of the toy, complete with a hole that would be ideal as a fingerhold.]
1) I tend to do a lot of research before purchasing toys. When Epiphora mentioned that Jollies was going out of business and that JT’s Stockroom still had the Valentine’s Jollie, I spent a good ten or fifteen minutes chewing my nails and reading several reviews that she linked to determine whether I wanted to spend this money before the Jollie went off the market forever. There were some warnings posted, and the Stockroom site even offers dimensions for the product, but I’m totally inept at putting those numbers to a visual. The only time I felt like I really saw the Jollie at proper scale was in the Wanton Lotus video review of it… and I promptly cried, “It’s HUGE… I have to buy it!” I’m not a size queen. In fact, I have spent the vast majority of my life being the opposite of a size queen, because my sex with Ex generally always resulted in some spotting afterward. (His girth wasn’t the only reason, but it was a significant contributing factor.) But this dildo was a really cool idea, and it was going off the market, and I was seduced by the idea that I would have something that no one else could get soon. (I’m petty, sue me.)
So the Jollie came, and despite the videos and the warnings, I took it out of the box and I was like, “WHAT?” Like I said, it’s pretty beastly. If you check out the photo on my preview post, you will find that its girth dwarfs pretty much every other toy there. The only adjective I could think of for the shape in my image description was “misshapen,” which is a considerably less-than-stellar word to use when you’re talking about a toy that you actually like. You will find that this fucked-up shape is actually what passes as “ergonomic” in the world of things that you stick in your vagina. That’s right – the word ergonomic is no longer limited to office supplies. I would like to think of the Jollie as the Quasimodo of my toy collection. Rest assured, the comparison is warranted, because I can tell you right now that when I die, my skeleton will be found entwined with this thing.
2) My first attempt at fucking myself with the Jollie was somewhat less-than-stellar. I tried to insert it while I was chilling out in my desk chair. But here’s the thing… I have this bad habit of ejecting my tampons when I sneeze. Without any sneezing necessary, my vagina forcefully expelled this thing as if it were a tampon. The g-spot bump did absolutely nothing to keep it inside me. The Jollie was an expansive foreign body, and my twat wanted it out.
3) While pondering over why the Jollie wouldn’t peacefully occupy my vag, I briefly speculated that maybe I had too much lubricant. Bullshit! There’s no such thing as too much lubricant! Besides, every time I ejected it, it was practically dry. The third time I had expelled it after coating it up with yet another layer of water-based lube, I began to wonder if more drastic measures were in order. Virgin sacrifice?
4 & 5) That’s self-explanatory, right?
Now I’m going to tell you why I’m so happy about owning the Jollie:
I had a literally hands-free orgasm in less than ten minutes.
I got out my porn and toys and my best friend asked, “Want me to bring you towels?” Oh, beautiful angel of mercy. You know me so well. I meticulously arranged the towels and got myself set up to play. I was ready for my mind to be blown. For starters, I’ve never used a vibrator that wasn’t operated by AAAs or AAs until I bought the Wahl, but it goes without saying that a corded vibe is supposed to be intense. I noticed that the Wahl’s cord has your standard, “Please don’t shower with me” warning label, but said label also warns against use on your genitals. As I plugged the Wahl in for the first time, I caught sight of that warning label and laughed, knowingly, murmuring, “Puh-lease, what’s the worst that could happen?” Everyone raves about this thing. I don’t think I’ve read a completely negative review of it yet. Maybe I just haven’t been looking hard enough. It was cheap, and it was WORTH IT. While the thing is a little big, somewhat gun-shaped, and rather heavy at the head of the device, the two vibration speeds are both incredibly agreeable.
[Image description: The Wahl 7-in-1 Electric Vibrator is sitting on a white background. The vibrator consists of a grey handle with a bulbous, round-edged, somewhat square-shaped head extending from one end. The other end of the vibrator has a power cord connected to it, and the Wahl has a bell-shaped white end attachment sticking out from the square at the other end. Shown around the Wahl are its six other head attachments: a head that is a slightly-domed, smooth, flat-ish disc, a head that is covered in three circles of nubs arranged in a bullseye pattern, a head that has a bullseye shape constructed by smooth lines and a nub, a head that is just a very large nub, a head that is a rectangle with four rippled shapes protruding from it, and a somewhat pyramid-shaped head with rounded edges.]
The Wahl has three settings: Off, Awesome, and OH FUCKING SHIT.
The first speed (which I nicknamed “Awesome”) is a pretty intense surface vibration that’s leg-twitch inducing when you brush it across the clitoris. The second speed (“Oh Fucking Shit”) is a little different. It feels deeper and more layered than the first, and it’s oh-so-satisfying. To me, the vibrations from the second speed are far more penetrating than the first. After experiencing the second speed, when I compare the two, I’m actually inclined to call the first speed a “light vibration,” even though there’s nothing light about it from a standalone perspective. Both of the vibration speeds are almost silent compared to the battery vibrators in my arsenal.
I generally opt to masturbate quietly when it’s just me, unless I’m feeling especially sexy, but I didn’t get a choice on this. It had been an hour of repeated, orgasm-less ejaculation. (I think I counted five. I think.) The last segment of Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes 2 was off, and free porn was on. I had the spot applicator (Epiphora‘s recommended jilling tip) on the Wahl. My anal beads were in, the Wahl was nestled against my clitoris and held in place between my legs because my hand had gone numb, and I had my jackrabbit in, thrusting against my g-spot. It was just too much.
What came out of my mouth was not the confident, empowered moan that my lips are accustomed to. It was like I was riding in the backseat, and the front seat was populated by an overwhelmed toddler that was reaching the apex of a hissy fit. (Note to self: never reference anyone under the age of 18 in sex blog again.) I wailed and it felt passive. I shuddered, convulsed, my legs twitched like crazy, and I soaked the towel in another gush that was so late in the orgasm that it was almost after the fact. A moment later, I felt like I lost all basic control of my bodily functions. The dildo left me without any work on the part of my hands, but my ass was like a vice, even five minutes later. To summarize the aftermath, I present to you the Lost Tweets, which Twitter stalled out and refused to post… probably for the sake of saving face for me.
“Oh. So that’s what a queef sounds like. No wonder it’s so taboo.”
“My ass feels like Thunderdome gone wrong. FOUR BEADS ENTER, NONE LEAVE.”
It was all such a blur that I can’t even tell you whether I was using Awesome or Oh Fucking Shit. I don’t remember. As I was packing up the Wahl, I caught sight of the warning label again. It needs something about temporary movement impairment.
My complaints about the Wahl are minimal. The size is a little bulbous, and a majority of the weight is focused in the head of the device, so it’s a little unbalanced and a bit heavy, at worst. It would probably be inconvenient to integrate into partner sex play if you had two bodies pushed against one another, like one might in the missionary position.
It will numb your hand if you hold it for too long, but I tended to solve this problem by positioning the vibrator with my hands, then holding it in place with my thighs. (Additionally, the numb hand is still totally worth the orgasm.) Another complaint relating to the hands is that the heads require a little bit of effort to attach and remove. I think this is reasonable enough when you consider that once the heads are fully attached, they don’t go anywhere, but, those who have problems with or disabilities relating to their hands (arthritis being the first and foremost that came to mind) might have a hard time forcing the different heads into place.
The cord means you need to be near an outlet, which isn’t a problem for me, but means that this probably wouldn’t be very convenient for sex out of the home. Because of the cord, its size, and the small size of my portable toybox, the Wahl may not make it into my “on-the-go” kit. However, the Wahl has a very special place in my bedroom.
Get one. Get one now. Get two for the hell of it. Use the ripple-y head on your thighs to work out the soreness from reverse cowgirl. (Did that.) Use the deep muscle head on your back to give yourself the massage you need. (Did that, too.) After all of that, settle in with a glass of wine, your choice of porno, literotica, or fantasy, and use the spot applicator to have the fun you deserve. Just make sure that the Wahl’s acclaimed “silence” isn’t essential, because while the vibrator might be relatively quiet, you won’t be.
|ORGASMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!||It’s big, and a bit heavy.|
|Super-quiet.||It numbs my hand after a while.|
|Multiple heads.||All heads not suitable for genitals.|
|Amazingly cheap.||It’s corded.|
|No batteries!||Wouldn’t be very comfortable between two people in missionary.|
|You can use it for things other than jilling! (But why would you want to?)||It gets a little warm after a while.|