What have I done?

 Reviews  11 Responses »
Oct 202011
 

“…do I actually have this on my crotch?  Yes.  Yes, it’s definitely touching me.  And I’m definitely holding it in the general region of my clit, but… is it on?  Of course it’s on, I can hear it.  I.. I think it’s touching my clit.  WHY CAN’T I FEEL ANYTHING?”

That’s pretty much everything you need to know about the Kiki Vibe from Picobong.  Picobong is a new, more affordable line from LELO, and so I expected… something from this toy.  Something other than what I was given.

I was excited about it, at first.  It’s cute!  (Look at the nubby shape!  The colors!)  It’s small!  (About as long as my palm.  In fact, that image beside you, courteously provided by Babeland, is about to scale, if you hold the product up to your monitor.)  THAT IS ADORABLE, right?  The outer shell of most of the vibrator (save the battery cap) is silicone. The entire toy is waterproof.  And while you may not have noticed this initially (as I didn’t, until the product was in my hands), the P and B are the + and – buttons.  That blew my mind.

I swear to god, I thought this thing was going to rock my world.  Just looking at it was like finding out that you can hold the shower head against your genitals.

So, I tore the Kiki out of the box, rinsed off the smudging that occurred from the black cardstock-like paper that held it in place, and hit the + button.  I was greeted by a vibration speed that I will dub, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

I hit the + button a couple more times.  Nothing happened.  I held the + button down, and the vibe began speeding up.  That was more like it.  Sort of.  I was having some trouble figuring out the vibration patterns, though.  I figured I’d just give it a test run anyway.

It comes with a manual.  Just read the manual, you guys.

For starters, the manual says that rechargeable batteries result in reduced vibration intensity.  After I took the Kiki on its test run, I read that warning and I was like, “Oh, THAT’S my problem!”  But no.  No, that wasn’t my problem, because I wasn’t using any of my rechargeable AAAs in the Kiki.  It was made this way.  The flaw is not in my battery choice.

The second thing you’ll gain from the manual is the knowledge that you have to hold down the + button for about two seconds to change the pattern settings.  The Kiki boasts twelve modes, which contain a decent amount of variety in the patterns.  One of them is even kind of… musical.  I thought that was cool.  I don’t own a single vibrator that has as much genuine pattern variety as the Kiki!  But with a motor that could lose a race against a slice of bread, there isn’t enough power available for me to ENJOY those settings.

Finally, Picobong boasts that the Kiki is near silent.  While it is a relatively quiet vibe, you’re going to be relatively quiet too… because it probably isn’t going to get you off.

Oh!  And one last complaint… more of a pet peeve, really.  Picobong’s box (and their site) says that the Kiki is great for C-spot stimulation.  Where the hell is your C-spot?  Can you show me?  I’m pretty sure they mean the clitoris.  That is not a “C-spot.”  It is a clitoris.  STOP, Picobong.  Stop that.   I hate that term.  “C-spot?”  It’s not a spot.  My vulva is not a Dalmatian.  It’s a clitoris.  It’s filled with twice as many nerve endings as the penis.  It is not a “spot” like the coin-sized G-spot.  It’s more of a nub shape, at best.  And it has a name.  The clitoris.  Don’t try to change it.  Next you’re going to be selling me dildos and telling me they’ll stimulate my “v-spot.”

Also, they say you can put the Kiki inside yourself to stimulate the vaginal opening.  Don’t make me laugh.

I spend my nights turning the Kiki on and off, switching between different settings, and dreaming about what sort of bliss my clitoris could be experiencing if this vibrator could plug into an electrical socket.

Thank you, Babeland, for providing me with the Kiki to review.  I KNOW I’m going to write a positive product review for you guys one day.  You’re a fantastic store with awesome products.  This just was not a fantastic vibrator.

I’ve Got A Secret…

 Reviews  No Responses »
Sep 112011
 

Tantus fangirl #14,948 reporting for duty.

Why do I like Tantus?

Because their silicone is awesome.  I consider many of their products to be inventive.  I like their packaging.  In my limited experience, they’ve shipped promptly and their customer service is pleasant.  So naturally, when Goodvibes was offering the Orange Dream, also known as Tantus’ “Little Secret” Spoon, I was all over that.

DSCF1152 (600x800)

I mean, come on.  Look how adorable that is.  It’s orange!  It’s small!  It’s twee!  “Cute” isn’t something I tend to look for in a vibrator, because I generally search for something under the “induces flash floods” category.  However, cute definitely doesn’t hurt, and this vibrator manages to be cute without invoking imagery of some fuzzy animal that does NOT belong in the same sentence as “cunt.”

Did I mention it was orange?

IT’S ORANGE.

Sorry about that.  Sometimes my overwhelming desire to have a rainbow toybox completely overrides the portion of my brain that types my reviews.

DSCF1151 (800x600)Moving on, this vibrator is of an incredibly unobtrusive size, and could, theoretically, be stuffed in even the smallest purse… if you ignore the fact that silicone desperately wishes that lint, dust, and hair could become part of its chemical composition.  (However, this is totally irrelevant if you’ll have access to a place to wash your vibe before you play with it.)  I took a photo of it next to my Droid X, which isn’t known for being the smallest phone, but fits in all of my pockets.  If the Orange Dream had calling capabilities, it would be a hell of a lot less of a pain to tote around than my phone.

Tantus’ description of the Orange Dream says that it is “the perfect little G-spotter.”  I don’t know who wrote that, but I want to pee on them.  If this vibrator hits your G-spot, you let me know.  I stuck it in me and was summarily… unimpressed.  This wasn’t made to go inside those of us who tackle things like the Jollie on a regular basis.  If it was knocking on my G-spot’s door, then my G-spot was in the shower, blasting music at several hundred decibels, while construction raged on outside.

The Orange Dream is really just a silicone sleeve over one of Tantus’ 80mm bullet vibrators, which runs on N-type batteries.  The 80mm is actually reasonably powerful, for a bullet… it’s the sleeve that’s the problem.

I know Tantus does silicone.  I know that some women prefer to place a towel between themselves and their vibrator… but usually, those women are using a Hitachi.

I want to like this vibrator.  I do!  It’s precious!  All of them are!  (Yes, I –did- just make each word into a separate link.)  But the Orange Dream just isn’t doing it for me.  I used it so many times and was disappointed each time… I mean, even the least demanding vibrator can make me come eventually, if paired with some other kind of stimulation.  This wasn’t even doing that for me.  The sleeve diffuses the vibrations so much that it’s… kind of appalling, to be honest.  You wouldn’t think the bullet was very powerful, if you didn’t know that you could take it out.  The thing is, I think the stimulation is supposed to be diffused, since the head is rounded and angled.  That’s cute on my nipples or whatever, but my clit doesn’t want diffusion!  MY CLIT WANTS TO BE JACKHAMMERED.

The sleeve also doesn’t diffuse the volume of the bullet very much.  This isn’t entirely necessary, because it isn’t incredibly loud, but it’s like… if all the sleeve does is diffuse the vibrations and not the noise, why am I using it?  Keep in mind that this is simply the Orange Dream model – the others all have different shapes, and Bedroom Blogger loved the Touch.

However, I just didn’t love this.   It’s amazing Tantus silicone.  It’s orange!  It’s small.  It’s waterproof.  It’s cute.  But it isn’t for me.  It’ll get someone off… if they orgasm at the touch of a butterfly’s wing.  But as far as I’m concerned, the only thing it can do for me is this:

Yes. It rolls. Yes, there were three people gathered around to watch this.

 

Many thanks to Goodvibes for providing me the Orange Dream for review and use as party entertainment!

Why Women Want the Wahl

 Reviews  3 Responses »
Jun 252011
 

I got out my porn and toys and my best friend asked, “Want me to bring you towels?”  Oh, beautiful angel of mercy.  You know me so well.  I meticulously arranged the towels and got myself set up to play.  I was ready for my mind to be blown.  For starters, I’ve never used a vibrator that wasn’t operated by AAAs or AAs until I bought the Wahl, but it goes without saying that a corded vibe is supposed to be intense.  I noticed that the Wahl’s cord has your standard, “Please don’t shower with me” warning label, but said label also warns against use on your genitals.  As I plugged the Wahl in for the first time, I caught sight of that warning label and laughed, knowingly, murmuring, “Puh-lease, what’s the worst that could happen?” Everyone raves about this thing.  I don’t think I’ve read a completely negative review of it yet.  Maybe I just haven’t been looking hard enough.  But for $13, which is roughly the price that it cost me on Amazon, it was beyond worth it.  While the thing is a little big, somewhat gun-shaped, and rather heavy at the head of the device, the two vibration speeds are both incredibly agreeable.

Refer to this image from Amazon, because I’m gripped by the urge to masturbate with this thing every time I remove it from the box, not take pictures of it.

[Image description:  The Wahl 7-in-1 Electric Vibrator is sitting on a white background.  The vibrator consists of a grey handle with a bulbous, round-edged, somewhat square-shaped head extending from one end.  The other end of the vibrator has a power cord connected to it, and the Wahl has a bell-shaped white end attachment sticking out from the square at the other end.  Shown around the Wahl are its six other head attachments: a head that is a slightly-domed, smooth, flat-ish disc, a head that is covered in three circles of nubs arranged in a bullseye pattern, a head that has a bullseye shape constructed by smooth lines and a nub, a head that is just a very large nub, a head that is a rectangle with four rippled shapes protruding from it, and a somewhat pyramid-shaped head with rounded edges.]

The Wahl has three settings: Off, Awesome, and OH FUCKING SHIT.
The first speed (which I nicknamed “Awesome”) is a pretty intense surface vibration that’s leg-twitch inducing when you brush it across the clitoris.  The second speed (“Oh Fucking Shit”) is a little different.  It feels deeper and more layered than the first, and it’s oh-so-satisfying.  To me, the vibrations from the second speed are far more penetrating than the first.  After experiencing the second speed, when I compare the two, I’m actually inclined to call the first speed a “light vibration,” even though there’s nothing light about it from a standalone perspective.  Both of the vibration speeds are almost silent compared to the battery vibrators in my arsenal. 

I generally opt to masturbate quietly when it’s just me, unless I’m feeling especially sexy, but I didn’t get a choice on this.  It had been an hour of repeated, orgasm-less ejaculation.  (I think I counted five.  I think.)  The last segment of Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes 2 was off, and free porn was on.  I had the spot applicator (Epiphora‘s recommended jilling tip) on the Wahl. My anal beads were in, the Wahl was nestled against my clitoris and held in place between my legs because my hand had gone numb, and I had my jackrabbit in, thrusting against my g-spot.  It was just too much.

What came out of my mouth was not the confident, empowered moan that my lips are accustomed to.  It was like I was riding in the backseat, and the front seat was populated by an overwhelmed toddler that was reaching the apex of a hissy fit.  (Note to self: never reference anyone under the age of 18 in sex blog again.)  I wailed and it felt passive.  I shuddered, convulsed, my legs twitched like crazy, and I soaked the towel in another gush that was so late in the orgasm that it was almost after the fact.  A moment later, I felt like I lost all basic control of my bodily functions.  The dildo left me without any work on the part of my hands, but my ass was like a vice, even five minutes later.  To summarize the aftermath, I present to you the Lost Tweets, which Twitter stalled out and refused to post… probably for the sake of saving face for me.

“Oh.  So that’s what a queef sounds like.  No wonder it’s so taboo.”

“My ass feels like Thunderdome gone wrong.  FOUR BEADS ENTER, NONE LEAVE.”

It was all such a blur that I can’t even tell you whether I was using Awesome or Oh Fucking Shit.  I don’t remember.  As I was packing up the Wahl, I caught sight of the warning label again.  It needs something about temporary movement impairment.

My complaints about the Wahl are minimal.  The size is a little bulbous, and a majority of the weight is focused in the head of the device, so it’s a little unbalanced and a bit heavy, at worst.  It would probably be inconvenient to integrate into partner sex play if you had two bodies pushed against one another, like one might in the missionary position.

It will numb your hand if you hold it for too long, but I tended to solve this problem by positioning the vibrator with my hands, then holding it in place with my thighs.  (Additionally, the numb hand is still totally worth the orgasm.) Another complaint relating to the hands is that the heads require a little bit of effort to attach and remove.  I think this is reasonable enough when you consider that once the heads are fully attached, they don’t go anywhere, but, those who have problems with or disabilities relating to their hands (arthritis being the first and foremost that came to mind) might have a hard time forcing the different heads into place.

The cord means you need to be near an outlet, which isn’t a problem for me, but means that this probably wouldn’t be very convenient for sex out of the home.  Because of the cord, its size, and the small size of my portable toybox, the Wahl may not make it into my “on-the-go” kit.  However, the Wahl has a very special place in my bedroom.

Get one.  Get one now.  Get two for the hell of it, because you can get it dirt cheap on Amazon.  Use the ripple-y head on your thighs to work out the soreness from reverse cowgirl.  (Did that.)  Use the deep muscle head on your back to give yourself the massage you need.  (Did that, too.)  After all of that, settle in with a glass of wine, your choice of porno, literotica, or fantasy, and use the spot applicator to have the fun you deserve.  Just make sure that the Wahl’s acclaimed “silence” isn’t essential, because while the vibrator might be relatively quiet, you won’t be.

Pros Cons
ORGASMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s big, and a bit heavy.
Super-quiet. It numbs my hand after a while.
Multiple heads. All heads not suitable for genitals.
Amazingly cheap. It’s corded.
No batteries! Wouldn’t be very comfortable between two people in missionary.
You can use it for things other than jilling!  (But why would you want to?) It gets a little warm after a while.