Femme Daddy 4 Femme

Sugar, a pale, fat queer with freckles, black lipstick, and black eyeliner, reclines against the wooden headboard of a bed. Their hair is cyan and short, falling to their ears. They are wearing a black babydoll that is split down the middle and red underwear. They are gazing directly into the camera, head tilted to the left ever so slightly, and holding one tail of a black suede flogger in both hands in front of their face, biting down on the middle of the tail.If you’re looking for something sexy, have a sweet and true story snippet from my first sexual experience as a femme Daddy. (Which is pretty fucking great, y’all.)


[CW: Sexually explicit, DDLG, orgasm control.]

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“Oh, Daddy…”

She’s squirming beneath me, the pitch of her voice octaves higher than usual, her breathing ragged and her hips rotating, supple lips parted, lashes long and dark over her cheekbones, eyes rolled back beneath her eyelids. I press my hand harder into her cunt through her short shorts, applying the pressure to her vulva that I know she craves – firm, unerring rubbing, massaging the legs of her internal clitoris, sending warm satisfaction through her groin and tingles into the head of her clit as it continues to swell.

“You have to tell me when you want to cum, babygirl.”

I shift the layers of my skirt to leer over her, press the Die Cast against her clothed cunt, and lean into it, savoring the feeling of her body shuddering under mine. She immediately takes her mouth off the pillow and tries to muster the words. It’s cute, her incredible responsivity, the soft noises she makes, the way she begins to pant so easily when she’s swamped with lust. I drag the long nails of my other hand up the bare inside of her upper thigh. Eventually that sweet, small voice comes back out.

“Now, please, Daddy…”
“Okay kitten… bite the pillow then, Daddy’s going to make you cum.”

She stuffs the fabric into her mouth as I turn the Die Cast up, squeezing one of her breasts and rubbing the wand up and down her vulva. The Die Cast is already starting to numb my fingertips, holding it as close to the head as I am, but it’s worthwhile – I know it won’t be long before I get what I want from my girl. Her muscles are twitching and she begins to tremble beneath me, her quickening breath beginning to hitch in her throat. I bump the vibe up another notch.

“Oh, that’s a good girl… Cum for Daddy, babygirl.”

She lets go, squealing into the pillow, convulsing under me as I hold the head of the toy against her, watching that sweet expression on her beautiful face – her curls falling over one of her eyes and obscuring everything but the black, sharp tip of her flawless winged eyeliner. When her convulsions slow and she curls in on herself, I turn off the vibrator. We had five minutes to get that orgasm out, and I want us to be prompt about her departure so I can respect my roommates’ boundaries.

If I didn’t have to send her home, I’d keep the vibrator on against her cunt, hitch up my skirt, and ride it down into her until we were both exhausted and soaked. I’d part my outer lips and show her the slick, convulsing, pink parts of me, dripping after the languid and intensely hot making out, the feeling of her tits in my hands, the frustrated, whiny way she whimpered, “Daddy…” when I bit her earlobe. I’d let her stroke and probe, show her how I liked it, let her explore every curve and crevice I had.

And then, I’d give her my Sailor Moon pajama shirt to change into for bed and hold her afterward, my naked body against her, kissing the back of her neck and lacing my fingers through hers until we fell asleep together in a room reeking of incense, make-up, perfume, and sex.

Lavacunt Erotica: Challenge Accepted

Hello, my friends. It has been a while since my last post, because I spent the first two weeks of August at the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit and then at Spacewitch Retreat. You know what sucks worse than con drop? Con crud and double con drop. **Finger guns.**

I finally got my shit together to write a guest post about my nonbinary identity and gender fluidity for my sweet friend Taryn, who runs the blog Ace in the Hole. But I wanted to post here before the end of August as well, so I figured I’d drop a short piece of erotica in for your reading pleasure.

Lately I’ve been writing erotica for the first time in years, because I’m trying to move away from my destructive habit of judging all my writing before I even finish a paragraph, then deleting it all. Examining my submissive and DD/little fantasies is helping me suspend that judgment.

Continue reading “Lavacunt Erotica: Challenge Accepted”

Subsurgence

Content warning: Some of this is sexually explicit.

There is a tiny part of myself I buried for years. I didn’t realize I was doing it… it’s kind of like when you forget what used to be your favorite song. You just don’t hear it for a while. You don’t think about it, or when you do, you can never go listen to it at the time, for whatever reason. You definitely have had other favorite songs since then. One day, you are standing in a grocery store, fondling the watermelons and bananas with your characteristic overzealous lechery, hoping to make strangers uncomfortable while you try to remember how to tell if melons are ripe. Your old favorite song comes on the speaker, and as you catch the familiar strains, you yell, “Oh shit y’all, this is my JAAAAAAM!” and then you’re dancing in the grocery store and they ask you to leave because you have made two children cry. (True story: one time I inadvertently made a kid cry when he accidentally saw my boobs. But that’s a tale for another time.)

Anyway, the song thing, that’s what happened when I had my subsurgence, which I define as a rushing resurgence of submissive feelings that you thought you weren’t into anymore.

This is different from the time my ability to be physically aroused was missing for over two years, which I liken more to when you heard a song on the radio a bunch in childhood, but can’t remember any identifying characteristics that would help you look up what the song was, so you just kind of muddle along wondering if you’re wrong about how it sounded, or if it’s your musical Candle Cove, until one day it comes on while you’re walking down the produce aisle, distracts you, and suddenly you are having feelings in your pelvis telling you that you just slammed your vulva into the corner of a fruit display. You’re like, “Oh, shit, it’s Carmen Songdiego!” You couldn’t remember the song until now, you just knew it existed somewhere out there, probably.

The subsurgence is actually weirder than the returning arousal. The arousal induces bittersweet thankfulness. The subsurgence is weird because I thought those desires were shelved, collecting dust, never to be touched again, until something funny happened.

Funny things happen sometimes in the information age. Like when you friend somebody on Facebook and discover they’re friends with someone you know from another country that doesn’t run in any social circles you both share. Or you and your best friend or partner message one another from totally different places about the same thing at the same time, totally unprompted. Or you say you’re romantically monogamous, hate country music, you’ll never do long distance or date cis men again, and then like 20 days after you meet a cis dude who lives in New Zealand, the realization sinks in that you’re in bed listening to country songs that remind you he’s your boyfriend.

Anyway, this particular funny thing that happened was that I met said boyfriend, whom I’ll call Root, for the sake of some vague semblance of privacy on the blog. Root not only unshelved and uncorked the bottle of my submission, but took the time to shake it up so that everything that had settled at the bottom mixed back in. Suddenly, combined with my bodily arousal being available to me again, the discussion of submission sent a churning flow of molten lava coursing through my pelvis. I’ve grown a greater appreciation of domination over the past decade, but the arousal from submission remains unlike anything I’ve ever felt.

Photo of Sugarcunt in a glittery turquoise silicone ball gag. They are looking up at the camera with brows raised and hazel eyes wide with anticipation.Suddenly, I wanted to be a fucktoy again. I was finally back to feeling arousal at the idea of having my hair pulled, my ass slapped, and being verbally put in my place. To be conquered and subjugated. To be teased until I said the filthiest, most desperate things. To worship reverently, to have no secrets or experiences of my own because I’m being mind-controlled through the use of pleasure, temptation, and an extremely persuasive degree of dominance. To be exhibited, mildly humiliated, and be driven further and further into the maelstrom of my desires, fueled only by the throbbing need consuming my entire body. To be forced to come until I cried and begged to stop. No more words. No more thoughts. Just my entire being dissolving into screams of agonizing ecstasy.

My entire life was almost entirely devoid of dominants, except for a very short-lived online play partner and a long distance girlfriend I had tons of phonesex with. It has been a decade of having to always ask people for spankings if I ever want one, or having to tell someone that I like being called a slut, then hearing them say it, but not feel completely comfortable with it. A sub, sub-heavy switch, or vanilla person topping me just to be accommodating results in a level of uncertainty and general lack of enjoyment that bleeds through the scene, for me. I become self-conscious while I’m trying to submit in that circumstance. I do not get submissive arousal from someone doing something they don’t enjoy just to serve me. So I started thinking I just wasn’t into subbing anymore… but then I met Root.

Turns out, when I finally connect with someone who not only likes, but wants, to be dominant, they rattle my cage, and a spark ignites. Is it the flame of self-defense? Or is it something more primal, fueled by an organic, effortless chemistry? I try to resist as the flames engulf me, but they inevitably consume me. I succumb to the fire of his deepening voice, his rhetorical questions, and his deeply erotic threats. I die and rise from the ashes: a malleable, fresh, tabula rasa ready for his will to be writ large across my surface.

That’s what subsurgence feels like.

Review of Showtime’s Submission

So I watched/livetweeted Showtime’s Submission under the hashtag #ShowtimeSubmission, and then I wrote over 1,000 words analyzing the power dynamics and how they were portrayed and they contrasted… but I didn’t finish it. And then I said, “This is not what I want to post about Submission.” At least… not right now. So here’s my basic review of Submission.

Content warning: sexual assault (largely by way of questionable consent).

SPOILERS AHEAD.

Submission Summary

Ashley leaves her shitty-in-bed asshole boyfriend and moves to a new town to live with her best friend Jules. Jules lives with her roommate Dylan (played by Skin Diamond, who is sexy as hell). Dylan is a submissive to Eliot, and brings him women to have sex with.

Eliot flogging Dylan - Showtime Submission

Ashley finds Dylan’s copy of a BDSM novel by Nolan Keats and is intrigued. She gets a job at the local coffee shop and sleeps with her boss (Raif) one night while they’re getting drunk together. Shortly thereafter Eliot notices Ashley at a party and Dylan tells Eliot that Ashley is off-limits. Eliot swoops in and saves the day while Raif is drunkenly trying to push himself on Ashley at the party.

After chasing Raif off, Eliot follows Ashley to her room, notices the book, and asks her about it. Eliot discloses to Ashley that he wrote the book, which intrigues her. He steals Ashley’s underwear after she leaves the room and makes the random chick that Dylan picks out for him wear the underwear that night while he sleeps with her.

To prove that he’s Nolan Keats, Eliot has a manuscript of the next Nolan Keats novel delivered to Ashley. He calls her and starts seducing her on the phone. Eliot begins ignoring Dylan, which Dylan hates. Dylan bugs Eliot to pay more attention to her, and Eliot eventually tells her to fuck off. Eliot kinkily fucks Ashley and lays claim to her.

Eliot and Ashley - Showtime Submission

Dylan steals video footage of Eliot fucking a bunch of different girls with her in his dungeon. She blackmails Eliot and makes him turn Ashley over to her for a night, and Dylan torments her. Ashley endures the torture. Dylan decides to move out of the house. As Ashley catches her leaving Dylan gives her the videos and tells her that Eliot isn’t Nolan Keats – he’s Keats’ copy editor.

Ashley is hurt and betrayed. She ignores Eliot, he shows up at her house, and she tells him to leave. Dylan shows up on Nolan Keats’ doorstep with her bags. The show ends.

There is other drama in the show about Jules’ relationship with her boss, but, frankly, I find it irrelevant to the main plot and only feel like discussing it in my extended power dynamic analysis.

What they did right

Eliot makes Ashley pick a safeword. Good! SAFEWORD GOOD. Although he does flog her while she’s deciding, and as someone from the “we don’t play until the safeword is set” school of thought I wasn’t a fan of that.

Eliot mummifies Ashley with saran wrap, which is something she is terrified of initially when she sees the saran wrap in his dungeon and he explains what you do with it. The kink play in this scene is surprisingly solid – Eliot takes it slow, he communicates with her, he gives her water. He’s very attentive.

The kink in Submission was nice to watch if you ignored all the fucked-up shit going on around it. The gear used was cool and authentic. Where can I get a web of chains for my dungeon?

Quotes I liked

“Most men think it’s just smut.”
“What’s wrong with smut?”

“Society wants us to believe that women are these pathetic little creatures that live and die by a man’s happiness.”

“My goal is to open you up, not shut you down. You will never have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

What they did wrong

Other than Skin Diamond and a random guy that she fucks, the entire cast is white. They’re also all thin, non-disabled people. But I expected that. Diversity is important, but here’s what pissed me off even more:

Ashlynn Yennie, who plays the main character, Ashley, said in an interview with The Daily Beast:

“I hope our show, Submission, can shatter that glass ceiling of false belief and show the world what it truly means to trust, communicate, and finally feel free to talk about what you want and don’t want sexually in a consensual and healthy way.”

Consensual? Healthy? Consent was portrayed VERY poorly in Submission. Raif makes a move on Ashley and has sex with her after she says, “No, we’re not doing this, because I’m drunk… and you’re kind of drunk.” At a party the next night a drunken Raif thrust himself upon Ashley, assuming that their single night of previous sexual interaction meant she consented to it again.

Dylan and Eliot’s relationship goes from a functional, consenting M/s scenario to a fucked-up trainwreck where Eliot never verbalizes the withdrawal of his consent and Dylan (who wears a collar that we assume is from Eliot), thinking he’s still into her, tops from the bottom. She says “I’m getting tired of you telling me no.” She misbehaves, seeking punishment. Finally she handcuffs herself to him and forces him to fish the key out of her vagina to escape. It was a painful disaster to watch. The show portrayed this scene as a minor inconvenience that didn’t faze Eliot and just pissed him off, but it was assault, and it was not cool. Then when Eliot tells Dylan to fuck off for good she (nonconsensually) blackmails him.

And finally, even though Eliot seems like sort-of-an-asshole-but-mostly-a-decent-guy because we see a few scenes where Eliot is an experienced dominant that focuses on consent and care, he also forces Ashley outside of her comfort zone (not in a good way) and manipulates her into subbing for Dylan so that Dylan won’t blab his secret to her. Ashley specifically tells him that she doesn’t want to be shared and that other people are a big NO for her, and Eliot shames her into it, telling her that it’s the ultimate act of trust and submission and that she has to explore and take risks to know what she wants. Consent-tastic! As someone who was coerced into sexual abuse as a child and has been manipulated with an almost identical narrative from my emotionally abusive fuckface ex, I felt so great about that scene!

And then the scene with Dylan was not… stellar. It would have been hot if Ashley had wanted to be there. “Tonight I’m not your roommate, I’m the bitch you answer to.” Like… YAAAAAS… if it’s enthusiastic and consensual. But it wasn’t. Is BDSM that you don’t really want to do but agree to because of coercion and stubbornness a type of sexual assault? My signs point to yes.

Conclusion

It was interesting. The kink and the food for thought re: power dynamics were enjoyable, but I did not find the plot especially inspired. Especially the way Dylan is cast aside by Eliot. It’s a sad trope that you see in a lot of popular BSDM media: a submissive (usually a woman) is collared by a dom (usually a man), then her dom loses interest in her and tosses her aside. It’s practically ancient – that’s how The Story of O ends (master claims sub, master demands sub bring him other subs, master ditches original sub). Endings in which the sub gets screwed over do not represent the lives of many real people in happy, long-term M/s relationships, but it’s a risk that exists, just like it does in vanilla dating.

Should you watch it?

If you want to see kinky softcore sex and don’t mind the show’s flaws and “meh” plot, sure. I usually enjoy livetweeting things, even if they’re mediocre, but I probably could have found better uses for my time, like painting my nails, findomming strangers on the internet, or writing reviews for vibrators that felt like a million butterflies fluttering over my vulva.

What I Want out of Showtime’s “Submission”

Showtime teased and intrigued many of us with its trailer for Submission, which airs tomorrow (May 12th). Even people I know who aren’t as into kink have expressed interest in it, which makes sense to me… after all, it’s about sex, and plenty of folks are probably kind of open to different kinds of sex acts that they have no desire to practice in real life. That’s the beauty of fantasy. I think a lot of vanilla people are going to watch Submission unless they outright hate kink/BDSM or find it triggering.

I’m definitely going to watch it. I want to see what it’s like. How will it shape up compared to the well-loved (and totally shitty, in my opinion) 50 Shades of Grey? Will it portray people practicing Risk-Aware Consensual Kink? Will there be negotiation? How heavy will the bondage and impact play be? What will the characters be like?

It’s so hard to get what I want from mainstream portrayals of BDSM. People are naturally complex. Some people come to the BDSM and kink community after trauma has happened and use it to work through/past those experiences and the marks they’ve left, and it’s unrealistic to pretend that everyone goes into a scene centered and emotionless. Trauma can play into a person’s kinky/sex life in a huge way, and that may or may not result in unethical or unsavory behavior. I feel like we should be able to have complex characters and explore their stories, and I feel like we should see them make mistakes, but we shouldn’t pretend that a troubled past is to blame for mistakes and shittiness. Some people are just shitty.

I want to see characters who may be flawed, but who learn from their experiences. But mainstream media so often does a disservice to the complexity of human beings in minority demographics, so those of us who see behind the BDSM stereotypes revile Christian Grey, and those of us who don’t understand abusive dynamics in relationships end up celebrating Christian Grey: a controlling, jealous, abusive asshole who hides behind a dominant persona because his mom didn’t love him enough or whatever. So many 50 Shades fans think Christian’s possessiveness is “romantic,” and that his rough childhood is what drew him to “sexual deviance,” and that it validates “why he is that way.”

I do not want to see a Christian Grey in Submission.

Here’s what I want to see in Submission: I want to see someone who didn’t come to BDSM solely because of a “fucked-up” past. I want to see someone who respects boundaries and doesn’t feel compelled to track their submissive’s every movement. I want to see a submissive enthusiastically explore what kink has to offer. Hell, maybe the submissive should be the one with more experience – that would certainly change the typical BDSM narrative dynamic. Real life BDSM isn’t The Story of O over and over again.

I don’t know what the psychological dynamics will be like, but what I’m seeing in the trailer is a cast that appears to be composed of white, skinny cisgender people. I want more than that! I would lap up a show with a diverse cast – people of color, people with disabilities, trans and nonbinary people, people with bodies bigger than size 4, 8, or even 12. I want to see a show where characters talk about power dynamics in the context of American racism, where handicapped-accessible dungeons exist, where gender is disregarded or actively fucked, and where fat bodies are celebrated.

I’m not under the illusion that I’ll get this from Submission, but I think an inclusive series or film with humanized BDSM that is deliberate, careful, and powerful would have a huge impact. Somebody get on that because it will make a difference for a whole lot of people. In the meantime, we’re seeing representation in erotica, and I’m thankful for authors like Xan West, who sees us – the minorities – and gives us a voice. If you’re interested in heavy, kinky, well-written erotica, you can check out my review for West’s recent story collection titled Show Yourself to Me, and if you’re into the sound of that then you should absolutely buy it to support West’s work.

Kinky Fuckery 101: What Does BDSM Stand For?

Sugarcunt's Kinky Fuckery Banner

I wrote several pieces about kink approximately two years ago when I was writing for GetLusty, but it occurred to me recently that I don’t think I’ve ever really addressed kink for beginners here on my blog. I realize that some of my readers are vanilla, some are seasoned BDSM practitioners, and some of you may consider yourself kink-curious.

If you’re kink-curious you might have thought about light bondage in the past, or may have a fantasy that revolves around servitude. Maybe you have sexy dreams where you boss people around and punish them for misbehavior. Maybe you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey (god help you) and your interest was piqued. To the kink-curious among you: The Kinky Fuckery series is dedicated to you.

Previous lessons:

  1. Models of Consent

Defining BDSM

Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission, Sadism/Masochism

Leather Neck Wrist Restraint from Stockroom.comBondage

Bondage is the practice of tying or restraining a partner for the purpose of pleasure or aesthetic sensibilities. From the silk tie bondage that you’ll read about in Cosmo or 50 Shades of Grey to metal cuffs linked to steel spreader bars, playing with restraints can be a satisfying and arousing experience for all parties involved. Sometimes you will be tied up to show your submission to another, or will be chained to something so that you can be punished accordingly. Some people just like the feeling of being restrained. Others enjoy using things like rope and bondage tape for aesthetic purposes, as is the case in kinbaku (also known as shibari). Don’t worry, you’re going to learn a lot more about bondage as we go through this series… but you’re not going to learn it now.

Discipline

Discipline is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Typically this goes hand in hand with domination and submission – you’ll normally see a submissive being disciplined for “undesirable” behavior. I put undesirable quotes because some of us (particularly brats like me) may act up because we want the punishment, particularly if it’s corporal punishment.

Domination/Submission

Domination and submission are roles in a consensual power exchange. The dominant partner typically takes charge and directs the sexual encounter. The submissive partner obeys the dominant’s commands. The submissive partner may endure pain, discipline, or simply be bossed around. The submissive may worship or serve the dominant in some way. There is some wiggle room in the roles I’ve described – for example some submissives are resistant, and some dominants are loving and gentle. There are a wide variety of D/s dynamics that I will address in the future.

Sadomasochism

Sadomasochism refers to sexual pleasure that revolves around pain in a consensual setting. Sadism – enjoyment of inflicting physical or emotional pain – is named for the Marquis de Sade, a French aristocrat and noted libertine who spent a great deal of time writing particularly filthy erotic books in prison.

[Trigger warning: this paragraph briefly mentions sexual molestation, sexual violence, and some pretty fucked-up regular violence, a great deal of it directed toward children.]


De Sade’s most notable work is probably The 120 Days of Sodom, a book I read as a teenager (thanks, Internet!) and don’t recommend. You have to understand that I can be sex-positive and sex-critical, and I definitely have some harsh criticisms of 120 Days of Sodom. I’m not condemning the fart-in-the-mouth stuff, the urolagnia and scat… all of that is fine. Those things may be hard reds for me, but it’s whatever floated de Sade’s boat, and plenty of people still get off on that. No. My complaints are with the kidnapping of children and raping them, the incest and various forms of rape, the involuntary mutilation of people, and the snuff bits about people skinning children and torturing girls to death. I’m critical of the scary stuff that absolutely deserves to be condemned. That’s not what BDSM is about.


[Trigger over.]

Venus in Furs coverWhen we celebrate sadism in BDSM culture, we are NOT revering de Sade’s tendencies toward rape and murder. BDSM involves adults giving informed consent to participate in activities that are pleasurable for all parties involved. Sadism just happens to get its name from a man who liked inflicting particularly fucked-up levels of pain on people. Masochism’s etymological origins are considerably less offensive.

Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, masochism’s namesake, most famously penned Venus in Furs, another book I checked off of my reading list years ago. While I wouldn’t call the book perfect it at least has a distinct lack of murderporn (as far as I can remember), and after reading de Sade’s work that is literally all it takes for historical erotica to earn two thumbs up from me. A quick spoiler-free synopsis: The main character of Venus in Furs is completely enamored of a woman and he begs to be her slave. She eventually complies and degrades him in the ways he asks. Other things happen, the book ends, a psychiatrist names the fetishization of enduring pain after the book’s author, and Bob’s your uncle.

 

I realize that these explanations are all very brief, but there are generally a lot of elements involved in the various roles and activities covered under the BDSM umbrella, and I will touch on those in future posts. I’m trying to be thorough, but it’s going to take a lot of time, and I’m bound to miss something along the way. In any event, the next Kinky Fuckery 101 post will be about aftercare!

If you have any questions, thoughts, or interesting factoids to share about BDSM’s roles and the etymological origins of the terms encompassed by BDSM, by all means feel free to share them in the comments below!

Kinky Fuckery 101: Models of Consent

Sugarcunt's Kinky Fuckery Banner

I wrote several pieces about kink approximately two years ago when I was writing for GetLusty, but it occurred to me recently that I don’t think I’ve ever really addressed kink for beginners here on my blog. I realize that some of my readers are vanilla, some are seasoned BDSM practitioners, and some of you may consider yourself kink-curious.

If you’re kink-curious you might have thought about light bondage in the past, or may have a fantasy that revolves around servitude. Maybe you have sexy dreams where you boss people around and punish them for misbehavior. Maybe you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey (god help you) and your interest was piqued. To the kink-curious among you: The Kinky Fuckery series is dedicated to you.

Models of Consent

Fetish Fantasy Position Master with Cuffs
The Fetish Fantasy Position Master with Cuffs at Shevibe

Before I start talking about the glory of being tied down and tormented, I want to talk first about the importance of consent. Since you don’t live in a bubble I hope you are familiar with the idea of sexual consent by now, and while consent can be very complex the bottom line is as simple as this: “No” means no. “Ouch” probably means no. “Don’t” means no. “Stop” means no.

The reason I feel like it’s so important to recap basic rules of consent is that when you’re in an agreed-upon BDSM scene, “no,” “ouch,” and “don’t,” and sometimes “stop” may not always explicitly mean no. Maybe you said “no” because you’re playing the reluctant submissive who wants to be coerced. Maybe you happily bent over for a flogging because you like the pain but you said “ouch” because… duh, it hurts, but you like that.

Toggling Consent

Consent is ongoing. All participants in sexual activity have the right to revoke consent at any time, and once consent is revoked the activity stops. In BDSM your safeword is generally your consent toggle. If you’re gagged, always hold something in your hand, ideally something that will make noise (like keys), that you can drop if you hit the safeword point. The minute you say or drop your safeword you are revoking your consent. You are telling your partner to stop, that you are either done with that particular activity or that you need to talk to them to re-negotiate how you two are doing it. More on that later.

Informed Consent

Before you even get to the point where you’ll need a safeword, you and your partner need to establish informed consent. Informed consent means that you know exactly what you’re agreeing to. Talk about everything that everyone involved wants to do during this scene and what your limits are. Be sure that you bring up things that may trigger you so your partner can avoid them. Make sure that if you’re using acronyms when negotiating that all partners know what they stand for. You don’t want your partner to agree to a WAM scene online and then be shocked when you start pelting them with pudding. The idea of informed consent is that all parties understand what will be done and what those activities entail.

SSC and RACK

Ball Gag and Blindfold Harness
Ball Gag and Blindfold Harness from Stockroom.com

SSC stands for “Safe, Sane, and Consensual,” a commonly-known tenet among BDSM practitioners that is pretty straightforward: all partners must be of sound mind and consensually agree to participate safely in an activity. The concept of SSC is good, but the current popular interpretation is kind of iffy.

The first problem with SSC is that the word “sane” is pretty ableist. Plenty of us in the BDSM world have mental disorders that may not classify us as “sane,” but we are still capable of consent and that shouldn’t disqualify us from playing. The word makes some of us feel alienated. It’s also very subjective – the activities that one player might consider “sane” may differ wildly from another player, and I think that leaves a lot of room for people to get judge-y. One could argue that wanting to be beaten or degraded in the first place probably isn’t “sane”. What I find that most people interpret “sane” to mean is that participants shouldn’t be under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and I agree with that.

It’s easy to get carried away or make regretful decisions when you’re under the influence, and drugs and alcohol may dampen your pain receptors, which might seem like a good idea if you’re looking to get beaten, but can easily work against you. If you can’t feel what’s being done to you, you risk severe injury. It’s the same reason that you shouldn’t use numbing lubricants.

The second problem is that many kinky people don’t like “safe” activities. While “safe” was initially coined to indicate ethical play, many people have begun to associate the word “safe” with “risk-free.” That’s not really feasible for BDSM anyway because most S/M activities are never 100% guaranteed to be safe, much like anything else in life. The popularity of the “risk-free” idea puts a good portion of kinky people out on their asses, because many of us enjoy edge play, which is play that generally straddles the line of SSC. Edge play is a term that is somewhat subjective, but encompasses activities that have the potential to be pretty dangerous: asphyxiation, knife play, gun play, fire play, cutting, branding, needle play, and blood play.

Many people greatly prefer the acronym RACK: “Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.” In addition to not containing any loaded, subjective, or ableist terminology, it acknowledges that all activities come with risk and nothing is completely safe. Within the RACK framework the spectrum of activity does not go from safe to unsafe – instead, it goes from safer activities to less safe activities.

Safewords and Stoplights

My safeword is “bananaphone.” Find a word that will probably never come up in the context of your play and designate it as your safeword. Safewords are a vital part of BDSM and are all too often overlooked by people who have no idea what they’re doing.

As I stated earlier, your safeword is a consent toggle. If you only designate one safeword that means no then that word means “stop this right now.” It doesn’t always mean that the scene has to end for good, but the activity occurring needs to stop. Maybe your ass is too tender to take more spankings. Maybe you can’t emotionally handle being called a cumdumpster any more tonight. Maybe something triggered you and EVERYTHING needs to stop. Whatever the reason for pausing or stopping, always have a safeword to ensure that you can do it. Do not ever fear using your safeword, because it’s there to protect you.

Some people say they don’t want safewords because they are afraid they’ll use them too soon, or because they prefer to take on the role of slave and desire the feeling of total powerlessness to fulfill their fantasies. All I can do is tell you that you need one, no matter who you are. If you’re afraid of using your safeword too soon, why? If you think it’s time to use your safeword then that’s when you need to use it. It’s not like saying your safeword has to kill the scene. It can always start back up. If you’re interested in serving as a slave, would you still be content doing everything your master said if they started disregarding your hard limits? What if they told you that you’d never be disciplined again? Would you still want to play? Safewords are intended to interrupt the fantasy, however briefly, because they’re telling your partner that reality needs attention.

If you prefer a method of safewording that is short and to the point, try the stoplight system. “Red” works the same way a regular safeword does; it’s a full stop. “Yellow” indicates that you might need to discuss some things, may need something to change, or may be reaching your limit. And obviously “green” is GO, GO, GO!

KinkLab Bedspread Under-Bed Bondage Straps
KinkLab Bedspread Under-Bed Bondage Straps at Stockroom.com

Checking In

As a bottom, you need to be proactive about voicing your limits, and as a top you need to be proactive about checking in with your bottom. If you’ve been whipping your masochist a little while it’s okay to check in with them, and you don’t even have to break character to do it. If your submissive is being very quiet, check in with them to make sure they haven’t fallen deep into subspace. You want to make sure that your partner continues to consent to what you’re doing throughout the scene, because you absolutely don’t want to hurt someone more than they want to be hurt. You can do this as simply as saying, “How are you doing?” It’s the decent thing to do, and while you may not want to be a nice top, surely you want to be a decent one.

Got something to say about consent? Insight into safewords? Share with us! Leave a comment below so we can learn more.

What Got Me Into BDSM

I was 14 when I first discovered BDSM.  I met a 20something woman on a journaling site who I had some things in common with and I started following her blog.  She was a submissive with a love of shoes, red lipstick, and being tied up.  Later, she also began financially dominating others.  I was very interested in her lifestyle because she was also overweight, and when you’re 14 and no one wants to date you, it’s pretty easy to feel like you’re going to die an unwilling virgin.  (Knowing how much sex I was going to get in college would have blown my mind.)  I also thought she was very attractive.

This woman frequently posted photos of her bound arms or legs and the bruises she received from being disciplined.   She wrote about being a submissive and what it meant to her.  Something that struck me about her writing was how much love and respect she very clearly held for her dominant.  Another thing that struck me was how much he treasured her.

It was obvious that when they were together, she was able to throw herself into servitude and escape from the outside world for a while.  To me, that was probably one of the most appealing aspects of the lifestyle.  I loved the idea of being able to tune everything out and focus on the object of my affections.  I loved the idea of being someone’s possession and following their directions with rewards or punishments on the line.

I also stumbled upon the blog of pigdog (now known as Cherry Torn), who was doing some stuff that blew my mind.  She was enduring some very serious punishments, and underwent a lot of humiliation – the most prominent thing that sticks out in my mind was the fact that at some point or another, she had to drink urine out of a pet bowl.  Something about the humiliation turned me on a great deal.

I didn’t have a very realistic view of BDSM in my youth.  It all seemed very magical.  I think that in my mind, being someone’s pet meant that I wouldn’t have to take care of myself on an emotional level, which was something I didn’t want to do because of my mental health.  I wanted all responsibility taken out of my hands, and in return I just wanted to make someone else happy.  I was convinced that doing that would make me happy in turn.

Let me just clear something up for you: that’s wrong.  BDSM is not a replacement for self-care and attending to your personal needs.  While it is your top’s responsibility to be respectful, safe, and caring, it is not your top’s responsibility to take charge of your entire life.  Even if you’re interested in servitude, a 24-7 lifestyle just isn’t right for most people, and even in a 24-7 situation, it’s important to take care of yourself.  Only you know exactly what you want and need.  Stand up for yourself and share that information with your master.  Be a healthy individual so you can maintain a healthy relationship.

I use BDSM very differently than I imagined.  For starters, I’ve become way less interested in a 24-7 lifestyle and more interested in power dynamics.  I love power play, especially where someone has to earn the position of dominance over me.  I love being a brat.  I’ve found that I’m very kinky and I have a variety of interests outside of bondage and D/s.  I’ve discovered that I don’t like as much pain as I imagined that I would, but I love sense play A LOT.  I’ve discovered that my love of humiliation is best fed when someone is talking dirty to me.

And most importantly, I don’t use BDSM as a substitute for self-care.  I have limits, and I set them, rather than letting someone dictate what they are.  I’m present in my life and am able to fulfill my own needs.  I take care of myself and maintain my mental health.  A kinky sex life is no substitute for self-reliance.

What was the first thing that got you interested in BDSM?

Mouthiness

I’m definitely a self-proclaimed brat.  If I’ve got a smart-assed remark, I just have to get it out there, because I’m hilarious and the entire world must know it… even if I’m supposed to be an obedient little girl.  (I’m only a “girl” when I’m a little – never a boy – but my gender associations when I play certain roles are a can of worms for another post entirely.)

Because of my own mouthiness, I certainly don’t take (much) lip from the slutling… but I let him get away with it sometimes.  I have to let there be allowances somewhere, right?

Wrong.

 

After I shaved down the slutling’s pubes last night (part one of ongoing project: sissification), I was pretty eager to rub my tongue all over his newly-smooth pubic region.  The plan for today was that he was going to have to earn the right to cum.  I rubbed my face all over his groin, sucked him until he almost couldn’t stand it anymore, and then made him get dressed so we could go about our daily business.

Later, as he sat in his room, I instructed him to act on his desire to watch porn.  As it is every time we play the orgasm denial game, he was told to watch something he really liked, masturbate, take photos for me, and was not allowed to cum under any circumstance.

He did me one better and sent me a video.

That warranted a reward, right?

I mean, that was truly going above and beyond the call of duty.

I plugged him up, pulled out a pretty pair of panties for him to wear, and was going to bestow a treasure trove of delights upon him… but then he fucked it up.

As I was lightly slapping his ass, he said, “Master, are you going to keep patting me, or are you actually going to spank me?”

Oh hell to the no, slutling.  Master don’t play that.

I wailed on him.  I spanked his right ass cheek so extensively that I couldn’t feel my hand.  I threw in a couple blows on the left for good measure.  When I finally got tired of exerting myself by punishing a mouthy little slut, I opted to take the easy way out and introduce the slutling to a slightly more severe brand of impact play, by bringing in the Rippler.

Except I wasn’t going to fuck him with it.  That would be too kind, since he was begging me to peg his ass.  The point of this wasn’t to gratify him.  I was just going to give him what he’d asked for – a real spanking.

Is the slutling going to mouth off to Master again?

I didn’t think so.

spanked slutling

In Which Slutling is the Master

When he peered over the curtain rod, I decided to give him a show.  Fingers snapped across nipples.  Hands kneaded breasts.  At one point, I even remember biting my lip and gazing up at him coyly, dropping my head to the side and dragging my fingers down the side of my bared neck as the water moistened my freckles and flushed my chest.

It didn’t last long.  He had to get into the shower – I instructed him to for the good of the order, citing (unnecessary) community service.  That was where my control ended.

I leaned up against the wall of the stall, pushing my ass against him and allowing him to massage my shoulders and drag his hands down my back.  I rose on my toes to rub my ass against his cock, hard from the moment he crossed the curtain.  The only thing the height difference didn’t prevent was nestling his shaft between the cheeks of my ass, and I milked that for all it was worth.  One of his hands closed around my neck, and I tugged the other between my legs, where he eagerly strummed my clit.  Applying pressure to my throat, he pulled me upright until my back was pressed against him.  His teeth nibbled my earlobe as I struggled to breathe despite the hand on my airway and water cascading into my mouth.  We writhed together, and every time I closed my eyes, I was imagining how we must look to an outsider.

He bit into the side of my neck several times, leaving pink indentations and mottled purple and grey bruises that I admire periodically as I type this.  As I pressed my forehead against the wall of the shower, his hand came down on my ass… once… twice… three times.

“Do you like it when I spank you, slut?”

“God, yes!  I love it when you spank me, Master.  Please give me more!”

Shoving my ass against him once more, I ground into his hardness while teeth tore at my neck, one of his hands working his cock furiously.

“Please, Master… I want you to cum on me.”

“What would you do for it?”

“Anything!”

“Be more SPECIFIC, slut!”

“I’d suck all the cocks you wanted.  I’d fuck all the women you asked!”

“Would you suck Mr. O’s cock?”

“I would suck Mr. O’s cock.  I’d suck it dry.  I’d fuck him to please you, Master.”

“And would you swallow his cum, slut?”

“Every drop, sir… and I want your cum.  Please give me your cum.  I want it all over my ass!  Please give it to me!”

And so he did.

 

A/N: Mr. and Ms. O occupy a very special place in my internet life, as well as a less substantial place in the slutling’s, so it was only natural that they start showing up in our mutual fantasies eventually, I suppose… although the addition of Mr. O was a very unexpected surprise!