Improvised Masturbation With Household Objects and Better, Sexier Alternatives #2

 Blog, Improved Improvised Masturbation  No Responses »
May 252013
 

So I was in bed at 5 AM, lying there thinking about sticking razors in my pussy, like you do.

It occurred to me that I probably would have had much safer sexual experiences when I was exploring sexually as a young person if someone had just given me the right dildo.  Why do I say that?  Well for starters, the horrible shit that went down in Texture Fiend never would have happened.

This series of blog posts will share some popular household items that I may or may not have tried to put in my vagina, and here are some delicious dildo alternatives to sate your foreign-objects-in-your-orifice desires without the risk of harm.

Number one: Disposable razor handles.

Number two:

I have inserted bananas.

Well, just one banana, really.

How: With a condom on it.

Why: Because everybody else does it and so I figured I may as well try it too.

Where: Vagina.  DO NOT PUT A BANANA IN YOUR ANUS.  If you disregard my warning and do so, you’re going to find yourself in the ER getting an X-ray of the banana your ass just ate and you’re going to feel pretty silly.

Do I recommend: Not really.  It’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve put in my vagina, but bananas can be mushy.  Ew.  It was certainly bigger than anything I wanted in my vagina at the time.  I hated having things in my vagina.  Why was I compelled to put things inside it?  Because I thought I was supposed to like it.  That’s a good reason to do anything, right?

Alternatives

Tantus Curve Love to Love iScreamBS Is Nice Rainbow G-Spot DildoVixen VixSkin Maverick     Fucking Sculptures Two-Cumber

The affordable: Tantus Curve.  $33.99 (Anal safe!)

The food: Love to Love iScream. $39.99

The pretty: BS Is Nice Rainbow G-Spot Dildo. $63.74 (Anal safe!)

The brightly-colored: Vixen Creations VixSkin Maverick in Flour-A-Green. $105.99 (Anal safe!)

The luxe: Fucking Sculptures Two-Cumber. $149.99

 

Next up: dental tools!

 

Improvised Masturbation With Household Objects and Better, Sexier Alternatives #1

 Blog, Improved Improvised Masturbation  No Responses »
May 232013
 

So I was in bed at 5 AM, lying there thinking about sticking razors in my pussy, like you do.

It occurred to me that I probably would have had much safer sexual experiences when I was exploring sexually as a young person if someone had just given me the right dildo.  Why do I say that?  Well for starters, the horrible shit that went down in Texture Fiend never would have happened.

This series of blog posts will share some popular household items that I may or may not have tried to put in my vagina, and here are some delicious dildo alternatives to sate your foreign-objects-in-your-orifice desires without the risk of harm.

First up:

I have inserted disposable razor handles.

How: With the safety cap on.

Why: Straight, safety cap was never in the way, deliciously textured, very thin (which I felt that I needed at the time).

Where: Vagina and anus

Do I recommend: NO.  Especially not anally.  The safety barrier for the razor-y part of the razor could have been pushed off at any time, and as someone who has snipped her labia while trimming her pubic hair, I can assure you that YOU DON’T WANT CROTCH CUTS.  And as for the anus… yes, the razor’s head does flare out much like the base of a dildo or butt plug would, but honestly, I just wouldn’t risk PUTTING A RAZOR IN YOUR ASS.

Alternatives:

icicles 1whipspider pink-jellyfishrippler  nobessence lingerCORKSCREW-RED

The cheap: Icicles No. 1.  Totally rigid because it’s glass, totally straight, totally textured.  A steal at $23.99.

The girthy: Pleasure Works Rippler.  One of my favorites – sturdy and girthy with a delightful texture.  $50.99

The ultra-textured: Whipspider Jellyfish.  $69.99

The wooden: NobEssence Linger. $129.99

The luxe: Fucking Sculptures Corkscrew.  $149.99

 

Butt plug alternatives:

tantus dipper tantus twist-all

Both Tantus!  I trust Tantus with my ass more than I trust any other company!

The Dipper ($29.99) and the Twist ($26.99).

 

Stay tuned for more better, sexier alternatives in the future!  Next up: produce.

SheVibe Loves You and Wants You To Have Dildos

 Sales & Promotions  No Responses »
May 182013
 

SheVibe loves you and wants to to ejaculate.  They want you to have colossal, mind-numbing, toe-curling orgasms.  That’s why they’re discounting all G-spot dildos by 15% until May 28th!  You’ve got ten days to jump on that.

Let me just give you a taste of what this sale includes:

The Pleasure Works Rippler

This is not your momma’s warm-up toy.  This was my gateway dildo – the one that dragged me, screaming, into the world of textured, girthy pleasure objects.  It’s the firmest dildo that I own, which means that in addition to being extra-fuckable, it’s also an excellent makeshift gavel when you need to call the court to order.

Jopen Key Comet G-Spot WandThe Key Comet G-Spot Wand

I think that most quality-conscious bloggers were suspicious of Jopen at one point or another, but we’ve all discovered that Jopen has well and truly hit a home run with the Key Comet.  It’s completely orgasmic.  The silicone drags a little bit, which sounds disconcerting but feels TOTALLY AWESOME against your G-spot.  Get one.

The LELO Ella

Don’t scoff at the humble Ella.  It may be cheaper than my first two picks, but let me assure you that its affordability and quality make the Ella a great way to introduce your G-spot to the loving embrace of a dildo.  The material is a glorious satin-y feeling silicone wrapped over a relatively firm (but not totally inflexible) body.  Why would you buy a $15 jelly dong (ew) when you can get this for a mere $15 more?

 

I see I’ve enticed you.

GO FORTH and return with orgasms for the good of the order!

shevibe_234_60_getitnow

Dildology: Doing the dirty work so you don’t have to

 Blog, Blog Round-Ups  6 Responses »
May 142013
 
Jelly Gems vibe: Piece of shit or colossal piece of shit. You decide.

Jelly Gems vibe: Piece of shit or colossal piece of shit. You decide.

My first vibrator was from Spencer’s. For the love of god, don’t get your sex toys from Spencer’s.  Try Lovehoney or SheVibe, Babeland or Good Vibrations, Tickle or JT’S Stockroom.  Order straight from the manufacturers, like Tantus.  Just not Spencer’s.  I know that Spencer’s carries fine products such as Jelly Gems and the Vibrating Tongue Ring (not an actual piece of body jewelry), but try to contain yourself. They apparently also carry some LELO and We-Vibe products, but for some reason they’re only sold online, which is so strange when you consider that Spencer’s is totally the FIRST place people look for quality sex toys.

I can’t even find a picture of my first vibrator and I finally threw it out (it had been sitting in a bag, unused, for four years) at the beginning of May.  It was orange, made of some bastardized material that was part jelly, part rubber, and it made my crotch itch.  It also didn’t get me off.  Like… ever.  I was too busy scratching away while I used it.  Its vibrations were mediocre, the shape was unimpressive, and the texture didn’t matter because the vibe irritated my skin a lot.

Why do I bring up my first vibrator?  Because what your sex toys are made of is important.  Shitty, phthalate-loaded sex toys are BAD FOR YOU!   Phthalates have been linked to a variety of health effects.  Rodents who were dosed with phthalates showed signs of hormone changes and birth defects.  Phthalates have been linked to breast cancer and endocrine disruption.  Will using a phthalate-loaded sex toy give you cancer?  There’s no conclusive research on that.  But given all the terrible things that phthalates are linked to, do you really want them in your body?  Check out this article by Dangerous Lilly: Yes Jelly Sex Toys can be Dangerous.  The wrong kind of sex toy can do more than causing an itching sensation.  Some toys can cause a reaction similar to a mild chemical burn, can peel your hands, cause swelling, and one commenter on Lilly’s post said that when she went to her doctor with issues, his best guess was chemical poisoning of her vagina.

So you might see, then, why many bloggers who talk about sex toys and sexual health encourage you to avoid jelly, rubber, and PVC/vinyl and to buy silicone from trusted manufacturers (like my first love, Tantus) as often as possible.  We want what’s best for you!  We want you to be able to make informed purchases so that you don’t have to see a medical professional who will tell you that you have given yourself rotties by using a terrible sex toy.  ”But it was called Jelly Gems and Jelly Royales!  That insinuated that it was quality,” you protest.  Hush.  Don’t buy jelly sex toys, even if they allude to riches.

However, the novelty industry lacks regulation.  There is no FDA of pussy. Sex toy companies can stick a label saying “silicone” on pretty much anything.  Similarly, they can also label  a toy as being phthalate-free when it isn’t.¹  NO ONE IN POWER IS REGULATING THIS, FOLKS!  The only thing we can do is to try to be diligent.  Ask a reliable blogger (like me!) about sex toys… or better yet:

Ask Dildology.


Dildology is an unbiased, nonprofit organization created by X. Valentine Orenda, Crista Anne, and Dangerous Lilly.

Dildology aims to send sex toys to the lab for the materials to be extensively tested, and then they plan to maintain a public database of results.  Dildology will:

  • accept monetary donations.
  • accept product donations from third-party retail stores and wholesalers.
  • purchase products from third-party retail stores.
  • choose products to test based on community feedback.
  • send products to accredited labs for testing.
  • compare the material composition of products to the manufacturers’ claims.
  • share the results of lab tests with manufacturers.
  • record the results of the lab tests in our wiki.
  • make our wiki available to the public.
  • provide other educational resources to the public.

Dildology

To read more about what Dildology’s intentions are and what they will and will not do, check out their mission statement on the main page.  To see a list of products that have been verified by Dildology, check out this link.

And most importantly: make a donation.

If you care about what goes into your body, Dildology is an investment in your health and happiness.

If you need further convincing, there are also incentives.  $15 will get you a one-time 15% off coupon code for US and Canadian orders at SheVibe.com.  $25 will get you the aforementioned coupon code and a Dildologist bumper sticker… which is just plain cool.  $50 will get you a T-shirt, the bumper sticker, and the discount.  Anyone who donates $100 or more between May 13th and May 31st will be provided with a one-on-one chat session with Lilly where she will work as your personal shopper to help you pick the best sex toy for your needs.   There are further incentives, and you can see them all on the donations page.  Dildology aims to raise $20,000 to purchase an initial 25 dildos to test, lab costs, testing equipment, and the merchandise needed to ensure that donors get their reward.

Dildology is finishing up their 501(c)(3), so your donation will be tax deductible!

While they will accept toy donations from third-party retailers and wholesalers, Dildology will not accept toy donations from manufacturers.  If you are a manufacturer and would like your product to be tested, you can donate the cost of the product, shipping, and testing and have the Dildologists test the product for you.

I promise you that your money will be well-spent if you send it to Dildology.  Seriously.  I, personally, promise that.  And they do too.

In honor of Dildology’s debut, I have donned my Amateur Dildologist hat (dear Dildology: merchandise idea!) and conducted a basic flame test of my silicone dildos.  I recorded it for you!  I’ve tested one silicone item I own from most of the manufacturers that I own products from.  Spoiler alert: They all passed with flying colors.

The dildos tested were:

  1. The Tantus Echo
  2. The Jollies Jollie
  3. The LELO Ella
  4. The Rippler
  5. The Diving Nun
  6. I forgot to record my Bad Dragon test, but the Xenogon passed.

So you’ve read this post, you’ve donated, and you’re psyched about Dildology… what can you do now?

You can share Dildology’s banner on your website!  If you donate, you can get a snazzy donor banner instead of the regular one.  (Shiny!)  You can also go check out the rest of the Dildology.org Blog Carnival Fundraiser!  I encourage you to read the posts that my fellow bloggers have come up with to promote Dildology!  They have a really noble goal, folks, so help us support them!

Sister Act: The Divine Interventions Diving Nun

 Reviews  2 Responses »
Apr 252013
 

Divine Interventions.  If you’re a sex blogger, you’ve probably heard of them.  Maybe you visited their site to see if they really had a Baby Jesus Butt Plug.  Maybe you wanted to write them an angry letter (or a love letter) after you saw my picture of their Holy Water Lube (“So blessedly good even God uses it!”)  Maybe you’ve never heard of them.  Get in the car and buckle your sweet ass in, because we are going to take a ride together.

This is the Diving Nun.

Your first impression is probably, “That can’t be a dildo.”

Your first impression is right.  It isn’t “a dildo.”

It’s an AMAZING dildo.   The distinction is important.

The Diving Nun is made from a supple, flexible silicone and features a nice, wide base that suctions to a surface when you slam it down.  If you’re anything like me, this means that it will find a home on your coffee table and in your heart.

side

As you can see, the Nun has a beastly curve and some wicked wrinkles in her wimple.  Do not let these ridges intimidate you.  If you warm up, lube up, and start slowly, you’ll have no problem with the Diving Nun at all.  Do not do what I did.  When this dildo arrived at my home, my Nun timeline looked something like this:

  1. The honeymoon phase.  The Nun arrived and I waved it around, stuck it to things, photographed it, admired it, and spent a great deal of time being deeply in dildo-love with it.  I took it to the bedroom.
  2. Our first fight.  I spent a few seconds lubing the Nun up, then I unceremoniously jammed it in the general direction of my vagina.  That sucker wasn’t going in.  It’s an enormous dildo.  I have plenty of experience with enormous dildos, but I had to try it without warming up FOR SCIENCE.  At least I tell myself it was for science… but it’s more like I couldn’t think in the haze of my dildo lust.  It was quite a scene.  I spent a great deal of time painstakingly jamming it, inch by inch, into myself.  Like the first time I used the Rippler without warming up first, it was not pleasant.  Not pleasant at all.
  3. Make-up sex.  Once things got going and the juices got flowing, fucking the Diving Nun gradually became more pleasurable.  In fact, after a certain point, it stopped riding the line between pleasure and pain and it just felt good.  We made up – I forgave it for hurting my vagina and it forgave me for my inability to think critically about the best time to use certain dildos.

You can definitely feel the Nun’s ridges when you use it.  In subsequent uses of the Nun, I warmed up with another dildo beforehand.  After that warm-up, inserting the Diving Nun was easy, and I had an incredibly enjoyable experience.  Don’t think that I love the Nun unconditionally, though.  I have a couple minor complaints.  The base is huge, which is great for suctioning the dildo, but not so great for holding.  Because it’s flexible, I -can- hold it, but I either have to spread my hand out across the base to do that, or have to get a flimsy grip on part of the base and use that to move it in and out.  The first time I used the Nun, my wrist got really sore.  Really sore.  While that could very easily have been a carpal tunnel flare-up, I think it probably has more to do with the amount of time I spent with my hand spread in an awkward position.

head

Due to my wrist pain, and in an attempt to work smarter rather than harder, I opted to ride the Diving Nun instead of using my hands. It wasn’t easy. I don’t have a very good surface to stick the Nun on, so the suction cup – which works well – didn’t really benefit me at all.  Because of how steep the curve of the dildo is, the only method I could contrive was standing at the edge of my bed and backing up and down on it. And sure, it felt good, but that also took more work. I was hoping to be able to hump it, not do squats. (As someone who has never done a squat in her life I should add that I’m not entirely sure how a squat works, but I imagine that it works like what I did.)

I can overlook the wrist pain and the challenge of standing use because of what it’s like to clench your muscles around the Diving Nun.  Simply put, it’s delicious.  The Nun is filling and textured.  The first time I used the Nun, I combined it with my Hitachi and had an orgasm that was so good that it was nearly painful.  You read that right: so good that it almost hurt.  While the other orgasms I’ve had with the nun haven’t been quite as exquisite as the first, they’re still pretty damn good.

The nun also hits my G-spot in a pleasant manner.  I find it difficult to ejaculate when I’m only enjoying G-spot stimulation, but I felt very close to squirting a number of times while I was using the Nun.  My G-spot, though, is very fickle, so I have a difficult time figuring out how to prolong or recreate certain types of G-spot stimulation that are very enjoyable.

Ultimately, the cons of the Diving Nun (the steep curve making it a bit difficult to ride, the base being slightly challenging to hold) are outweighed by the fact that the Nun just feels amazing.  It’s fantastic for thrusting at any speed!  It hits my G-spot!  It’s shaped like a nun!  It’s 1 3/4 inches in diameter, 7 3/4 inches long, and 100% glorious.

 If you’ve got a sense of humor regarding sex toys and matters of sacrilege, I encourage you to check out Divine Interventions.  Their descriptions are clever and their products are 100% unique.  There are also some pretty cool non-denominational dildos for those of you who are more… respectful.  (I can think of a few people I know that would, for example, dig the Celtic… you know who you are.)  And, of course, there’s always the Holy Water Lube… no glycerin, no parabens, DEA free and 100% vegan.  I hear that there are even safer lubricants that exist, but the Holy Water Lube is unquestionably the most body-friendly lubricant in my drawer.

Thank you so much, Divine Interventions, for providing me with a Diving Nun in exchange for an honest review!

The bNaughty Unleashed

 Reviews  2 Responses »
Mar 112013
 

The bNaughty Unleashed

The bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator is a remote-controlled vibrating bullet egg.  An egg.  The thing is enormous.  It’s longer than most eggs, but not quite as rounded.

To be honest with you, I’m not quite sure what they’re unleashing.  I have an original bNaughty (we’re talking about the corded classic before they did the redesign), and I don’t think the Unleashed offers much more power than the original.

Wait.  “Unleashed” as in untethered.  Got it.  Suddenly I realize why my expectations weren’t quite met.

But aside from being literally unleashed, the bNaughty Unleashed still isn’t especially powerful.  It comes with 7 settings: 1 – 3 are constant vibrations at different speeds.  4 begins by ramping up, vibrates constantly for a few seconds, then ramps back up from the beginning again.  5 is constant pulsing.  6 is the same constant pulsing, except faster.  7 is a constant vibration that begins by pulsing three times.  The vibrations are buzzy, and while they’re capable of getting me off when I use the vibrator clitorally, I wouldn’t call the ensuing orgasm “spectacular” by any means.

If you’re more into buzzy vibrations than I am, you might find that you have more fun with this toy.  The vibrations are also loud.  They aren’t Hitachi-loud, but they definitely aren’t whisper-quiet.  A lot of people imagine going out in public with a wireless bullet in their panties and the remote in their partner’s hand.  You won’t be doing that with this vibe.  For starters, the massive egg and its little tail would be inconvenient to shove in your underwear and keep in place.  But really, the biggest problem is the noise.  You’d have to go to a rave for the noise this thing makes to go unnoticed.20130311_210658

The vibrator is controlled by the little black remote.  The bottom button powers the vibe on and off, and the top button changes the vibration settings.  The little display is actually kind of neat – it tells you what setting you’re on by displaying a number in the upper-right-hand corner, and the little flower in the center of the display has different segments that light up in time with the vibration you’re on.

This vibrator just didn’t work very well for me.  Sure, I got off, but I didn’t enjoy it too much.  For starters, I have my clitoral hood pierced and had to keep repositioning the bullet so it didn’t rattle against my jewelry.  The egg’s tip is slightly pointed, which is definitely better than what you find on most vibrating bullets, but the tip still isn’t defined enough for me to really get the kind of pinpoint stimulation that I enjoy the most.

The vibrating egg also has a seam.  Two seams – one where the egg opens up to reveal the battery compartment, and one on the backside of the plastic strip that holds the batteries in.  You’ll need something very thin (a needle, maybe – a fingernail doesn’t get it all out) to clean the seam.  I don’t like the seam.  It would be one thing if the bNaughty Unleashed brought me to a roaring orgasm – that seems like a fair trade for the cleaning time.

I have another gripe, too.  It DIED ON ME20130225_143025.

I used the bNaughty Unleashed roughly three times, and not for very long masturbation sessions.  When I went to write this review, I fished it out of its bag (did I mention it comes with a little black pouch?  It comes with a little black pouch), went to turn it on, and nothing happened.  I tried replacing the batteries in the bullet and it still didn’t work.  I had to change the remote battery as well.  The device takes three batteries – the remote takes one A23 battery, and the bullet takes two N batteries.  Kudos on finding the most obscure batteries you can think of, bSwish.

Also, if you don’t have nails long enough to get under the remote battery, good luck fishing it out.  I had to wait until I had long nails again before I could swap out the remote battery… absolutely ridiculous.  Every inanimate object that I used in an attempt to pop the battery out was useless to me, yet the battery came out easily when I slid my nail under it.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a little bit resentful about the battery hubbub.  I can usually get at least 5 uses out of a vibrator before it starts to go south… usually many more than that, to be honest.  But this thing threw in the towel after three short rounds.  Does it just eat batteries?  Were the batteries that came with it just bad?  Who can say?

My ultimate verdict is that the bNaughty Unleashed isn’t for me.  It doesn’t blow my mind.  It’s just kind of “meh.”  If I want to use a battery-operated vibrator, I have a different go-to vibe that is buzzy, but actually feels really good.  My go-to vibe is also more quiet than the bNaughty Unleashed.  I’m not going to lie: it’s nice to have a wireless remote in your hand or beside you on the bed so that you aren’t constantly tethered to your groin, but most bullets that I have used have cords that are long enough for me to not feel too inconvenienced.  The remote doesn’t make this vibe worth it for me.  If you don’t mind the noise, the buzziness, and don’t require a TON of pinpoint stimulation, this will probably give you an orgasm if you’re in the market for a wireless vibrator… but probably not the best orgasm of your life.  I can think of some better uses for this vibe:

  • Play a game of hide-the-vibe where your partner has to find it.
  • Scare your partner by hiding it under their pillow and switching it on at bedtime.
  • Scare guests by sewing a little mouse or snake costume on it and randomly switching it on to let it rattle across the floor.
  • Baffle your housemates by leaving it on and hiding it somewhere so that they will periodically ask, “Do you hear vibrating?” and you can say, “No, why?”

Maybe I’m just an asshole.

A big thank you goes out to Good Vibrations for providing me with the bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator to review!

Good Vibrations Banner

 

Sugarcunt’s Grand Gift Guide 2012

 Uncategorized  No Responses »
Dec 082012
 

I’m browsing sex toy websites right now in search of a great beginner’s gift for a friend to give her for her birthday.  I gave her a bullet for Christmas, as a gateway drug.  If that gets her off, it can only get better from here on out.  (Actually, even if it doesn’t… it can still only get better.)

She wants a dildo, but  with me walking her through her options, she was indecisive.  So indecisive that I wanted to beat her a little… but lovingly, because she’s my friend and I just wanted what was best for her – a good deep dicking.

In situations like these, sometimes it’s easiest to give someone a gift card.  But you want to put thought into your gift, right?  You really want something personal, something that says, “I spent a lot of time thinking about you playing with your genitals and decided that this was perfect for you.”

For those who are new to dildos

Start with the basics: the Tantus Silk comes in three sizes (small, medium, large), is made of high-quality, easy-to-clean silicone, and comes in chic black.  The Silk has a solid base that makes it safe for anal use.  That base also means it should fit in a strap-on harness.  It’s the gift that keeps on giving!

 

For the beginning G-spotter

The Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo, which I reviewed here and totally loved.  It’s a great introductory G-spot toy because it has two sides to choose from and it’s super lightweight.  I got it after the Pure Wand and still liked it. That’s saying something, because word on the street is that once you go Pure Wand you never go back.

 

For those who can’t get comfortable with anal

This was totally me.  I bought a Bootie and was totally enthused about it, but I could never wear it for more than ten minutes or so, because it made me squirmy and uncomfortable.  I figured that I needed something more tapered, so I bought a Little Flirt by Tantus.  I totally love this plug.  It was the first plug I was able to wear for an extended period of time.  It’s got a non-threatening size, it’s tapered, and it’s not curved.  That might be a deal-breaker for some, but it was just right for me to start with.  This thing gets plenty of use in our household.

For the nature-lover

NobEssence makes gorgeous wooden dildos that bring new meaning to the phrase “tree-hugger,” and the Seduction has received high praise from Epiphora, who called it “perfect.”  I can’t offer my own views on it because I don’t have one… but you can bet your sweet ass that I want one, and that indicates to me that your hippie friend will probably love it too.

For a T-Rex

A Hitachi Magic Wand.  There’s a reason the Hitachi is famous.  Good Vibrations calls it the Cadillac of vibrators.  It’s iconic.  You see it in porn all the time.  How do I know a T-rex would like it?  Because I like T-rex-quality orgasms and I want one.

For your old college friend who is still into psychedelics

The Spectral Glass Dildo is totally extraordinary-looking.  The black and pink dildos with rainbows are by far my favorite, but the gold is pretty trippy as well.  You could spend hours looking at this thing, so imagine what your friend will do when they’re tripping.  (Sidenote: this is meant to neither condone nor condemn drug use.  I’m just here to encourage you to fuck stuff.)

For the texture fiend

Oh man.  The Rippler, hands down. Solid, well-ridged, and a little girthy.  Probably my favorite textured dildo that I own.  Goodvibes is the only place that I know of that sells it.  It’s also phthalate-free, and fits pretty well into a harness with a little bit of finagling.  (Depending on the style of harness, you may need a larger O-ring if your harness requires one.)  Read the review!

For those who like it soft

The Sailor Soft Pack is a delightful-feeling packer that fits into my underwear well.  It’s phthalate-free, made of cyberskin, and isn’t designed for penetration – instead, it’s just for those who want a little more dick in their life.  I’ve got the size 2, and it was actually longer than I expected.  (I suspect that the 2 is the one pictured.) It could use some more skin color variety, but at least it comes in three instead of just one.

For those with cave vagina

Or anus!  I have seen Jiz Lee push Randy out with their vaginal muscles as it brought them to a gushing orgasm.  From that moment on, I wanted it.  I’m not always a size queen, but when I am, it’s for a dildo like Randy.  There’s got to be a feeling of accomplishment that you get when you’ve managed to insert this dildo.  I still don’t have one, but it’s pretty high up on my dildo wishlist.

For the heavy metal fan

nJoy Toys – are you surprised that I suggested this?  I’ve even made this joke before.  Has my consistent nJoy fangirlism failed to clue you in to what’s up?  There’s something for everyone.  Put these toys in your body, now.

You like G-spot or prostate stimulation?  Get the Pure Wand.  You want an amazing butt plug?  Get the Pure Plug.  You want three pounds of stainless steel in you sexybits?  Get the Eleven.

For the magpie

Anything Crystal Delights.  I think the image from their site speaks for itself.  Crystal Delights makes exquisite glass toys with loads of shiny things attached.  The work is exquisite.  Anything that isn’t gem-studded is still gorgeous and high-quality.  I’ve had my eye on a Crystal Delights toy for some time, especially the Crystal Twist, but I think that the Spartacus MMXII Glass ‘Torch’ is at the top of my list now.

For the furry

Crystal Delights again.  If it’s not gem-studded, it’s furry.  Long tails and bunny tails come in lush mink fur, and they also sell Spirit Hoods… just in case the tail wasn’t enough for you.

For the queer porn enthusiast

A subscription to Jiz Lee’s Karma Pervs and The Crash Pad Series.  The best queer porn you could possibly ask for, all bundled up into two pretty packages.  Your friend can even enjoy feeling good about themself knowing that the money going to Karma Pervs goes to a good cause.

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For the jaded vibrator aficionado

The Eroscillator.  Words cannot express how much I want this toy… and with a price tag this hefty, “want” is probably as close as I’ll get to it.  Every time I think I can afford it, something springs up and I can’t buy it, and I’m not eligible to review it.  If you follow me on Twitter, you know how grumpy this makes me, because it’s like being left out of the orgasm club.  But one day, when a rich eccentric uncle I didn’t know that I had dies, I will own an Eroscillator.

Luv My Box – November

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Nov 292012
 

Luv My Box is a neat idea.  Seemingly geared toward couples, Luv My Box allows you to pay $34.95 to receive a that month’s bundle of joy on your doorstep.  You can even buy a 3-month subscription to save $5, and I think that being able to buy a subscription to sex toys is pretty cool.

Luv My Box is also selling (gendered) holiday boxes for $20!  They recommend buying them for friends, colleagues, sisters, or that secret crush.  For obvious reasons, I do not recommend buying a box of mystery sex toys for your colleague or your secret crush.  I think a good rule of thumb is that if you can give them sex toys without getting smacked, fired, or accused of sexual harassment, then a Luv My Box holiday box is an acceptable gift.

Anyway, I was sent November’s box to review, and with previous themes such as light bondage (restraints, blindfold, tickler, and a bottle of Sliquid) and bathtime (an I Rub My Ducky vibrator, bath foam, two different soaps, a loofah, and massage/bath oil), you can imagine how eager I was to see what would be in mine.  It arrived in discreet packaging (I seriously had no idea what it was when it turned up on my doorstep), and inside I found a little black cardboard box filled with pink paper, black confetti, and goodies.


Image courtesy of LuvMyBox – theirs was way better than mine!

Breaking It Down:

Doc Johnson’s Good Head Oral Delight Gel

I thought Good Head would be a cooling gel for oral sex.  I was wrong.  Good Head is just Doc Johnson’s answer to, “Why doesn’t dick taste less like dick and more like a mint leaf?”

Oral Sex Dice

They say “privates” to refer to your genitals.  Enough said.

Screaming O Ringo Cock Ring

“GET THIS COCK TOURNIQUET OFF ME!”

Cock rings are not for everyone.

Frisk Mints

Frisk mints are STRONG mints, and I’ve always been a fan of those.  For starters, the mints are yet another answer to, “What flavors does your cock come in?”  However, these actually are effective for providing sensation during oral sex no matter what your genital configuration is.  I absolutely love them.

Wet Together His & Hers Lubricant

If you rewrote the gendered labeling, it would say “warming lubricant and tingling lubricant make a baby.”

The first time we tried it, I liberally applied the warming lubricant to his cock with my hands, stroked him for a while with it, then applied the tingling lubricant to myself and hopped on.  He said he didn’t really get anything from the warming lubricant, but I distinctly felt like I was riding a cold dildo.  The neat thing was that the fresh, tingling feeling didn’t go away for a while.

The warming lubricant also feels kind of dry to the touch when you’re rubbing it on.  This was extremely disconcerting to me, but apparently it wasn’t too dry for him.

Swipes Lovin’ Wipes

They’re scented wipes.  I like doing sex clean-up with wipes – they’re moist and get rid of that sticky feeling from lube.

 

There was also a little felt mustache in my box in support of Movember.  I spent quite a while holding this up to my face (the wrong way, apparently) and marching around the house.

 

Who Should Buy It:

Each item seems to add up to provide a total value higher than the $35 you’re paying for the box, but the big question is, is it worth it?  I think that depends on the user, and I think it also depends on what’s in the box that  month.

I have many heterosexual friends who are in vanilla relationships and have a desire to spice things up, but no idea how to accomplish that.  If I was looking for a one-size-fits-most suggestion for these friends, I would recommend Luv My Box to them.

I also have friends who are openly searching for sex toys, haven’t tried enough to establish a preference yet, and just can’t decide on anything.  I would hurl Luv My Box at them and run.  Do you nance about and find yourself unsure of where to start when you look at a sex toy website?  If you don’t want to ask a sex blogger (like me!) then try Luv My Box and see where it gets you.  Once those toys show up on your doorstep, you pretty much have to use them if you don’t want to have burned $35.  Luv My Box takes the decision-making out of the equation for you, and some people need that… or a good smack.

I have friends with more varied sexual tastes who are already connoisseurs of sex toys, and I fit into this category as well.  While this type of consumer may appreciate the novelty of Luv My Box just as I can, chances are that they already have preferred products.  That’s not to say that you, Veteran Fucktoy Consumer, can’t gain something from Luv My Box.  I never tried any of the slew of combination lubricants that have come out in the last few years, and my box gave me a chance to experience that.  If you’ve never experimented with a cock ring, the non-threatening ring included in November’s box might be a good way to ease yourself or your partner into it.  But as for the rest of it?  A consumer with my experience and sexual preferences may feel like there isn’t much use for sex dice or Good Head.  I can appreciate the idea of surprise that sex dice promise, but I do all that anyway.  I like everything about genitals, so I don’t need to mask the taste with Good Head (which, admittedly, doesn’t taste too bad).

Are you a gender/sexual minority couple?  I can’t make any guarantees for how well Luv My Box will fit you.  While two people with vaginas could successfully use the lubricant, mints, and maybe the Good Head from November’s box, the only thing the cock ring would be good for is flicking around the room (which is totally valid aftercare, in my opinion).  Meanwhile, two people with penises could have enjoyed all of the offerings in this month’s box.

Are you looking to play alone?  I don’t know if I can recommend Luv My Box for you.  While all of the items in October’s bathtime box could be used alone, you would have a much more difficult time getting as much solo enjoyment from September’s bondage box.  While you could use the lube (and the cock ring, depending on your genital configuration) included in November’s box on your own, you would be hard-pressed to come up with single-person games for the sex dice, Good Head, and Frisk mints.

 

I think Luv My Box is a gamble for certain demographics, particularly the one that I fit into.  However, it’s not necessarily difficult to find reviews that tell you what’s in the box that month – if you want to spoil the surprise, you can try to find them before you spend your money.  Would I buy more?  If I had a decent amount of disposable income, sure, for funsies.  I would buy a box or two so that I could try new products that I might never have considered buying.  Ultimately, though, I’m not a consumer who really needs Luv My Box.  I have a lot of sexual toys and aides, and very specific things on my wishlist.  I know what I like and what I want, and my sex life is generally spicy enough for my taste… but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like surprises or trying new things.  However, because I don’t have any disposable income, I can’t afford to bring the box into my life on a regular basis.  I could save the money that I would spend on two months’ worth of boxes and spend it on a Hitachi instead, which is something that I know I will enjoy.

Buy it…

  • If you like surprises
  • If you like trying new things
  • If you don’t know where to start
  • If you can’t decide on a product
  • If you can’t imagine ever setting foot in a sex toy store
  • If you know that you’re part of a demographic that is equipped to use every part of a box – the safest bet being heterosexual couples.

 

A big thank you to the lovely folks at Luv My Box who sent me a box to review!

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