Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom, Nightmare Fuel

May 082013

Let me set the scene for you.

6:00 A.M. I wake in a cold sweat, haunted by cries of “beyBEEEE” and “CAWK”! I may never sleep again.

6:20 A.M. I sit down to write this review, weeping quietly to myself.

Where to begin? I am hungry, yet nauseous. Tired, but unable to return to bed. Scarred, yet optimistic about making a full recovery once I stumble upon a shocking revelation during a therapy session that takes place many years from now: worse porn exists. Not much, but some. It has to… right?

The only was this porno could have hurt me more was if I had watched Ron Jeremy drill Farrah.

Let me make something clear to you: James Deen could not save this film. He tried. He offered instruction. He drilled her ass. But his thinly-veiled attempts to hide his contempt combined with his unwilling chubby implied that no one, and I repeat, NO ONE, forgets their brain when they come to fuck The Deen.

Apparently the contract was that Deen and Farrah were supposed to act like a couple making a sex tape that is then leaked against their will. Which would have been all convincing and well and good if she hadn’t been spotted waltzing out of Vivid with her young daughter and her dad. And if she hadn’t fucked the notorious James Deen. Oh. And if SHE HADN’T NEGOTIATED WITH A BUNCH OF PORN COMPANIES.

Oh wait, I owe you an explanation.

You know that I have nothing against porn. But Farrah Abraham does.

“This is not a porn tape. A porn tape is when you are a porn star and you wanna be naked and wanna wear crazy other stuff. And that’s what’s really hard for me to even deal with. I’m not ok with that and that’s not what this is.”

Apparently Farrah has forgotten the first ten minutes of the porno where she goes from wearing a dress with nothing under it to being naked to wearing lingerie SPECIFICALLY for the purpose of taking it back off. She has a bag of underwear that Deen drags up the steps for her to pick from.

So reading that quote, I hope that you understand what I have against Farrah’s raging ignorance and her desire to call this a “sex tape” rather than a “porno.” Her porno reportedly had a budget. It is edited. (Very obviously edited, and I’m pretty sure it had to be, since this woman couldn’t handle Deen’s penis at all. Epiphora called it – “Is he getting softer?”)

Navigator pointed out that she did not have high hopes for this film.

“All I’m gonna say is I read Star Trek fanfic from 1989 this afternoon and I expect it to be hotter than this will be.”

We even played a game that The Redhead Bedhead concocted called “stuff that’s hotter than this.” Here are the contenders:

“CIRCUMCISION!”

-Me

MOWING ONE’S LAWN (NOT EUPHEMISTIC)

-Epiphora

As we watched, I reminded my companions, “THIS WAS ABOUT EMBRACING HER SEXUALITY.” The Redhead Bedhead retorted, “This was about rushing through stuff as quickly as possible because no one was into it…”

For starters, Farrah can’t undo buttons. Make of that what you will. Here’s a direct quote:

“These buttons are going to take me forever!”

“Do you know how buttons work?”

“I don’t, not today. Forgot my brain when I came to hang out with you.”

That’s right. She forgot her brain.

Deen actually gave her instructions during the blowjob… which would have been great except SHE DIDN’T FOLLOW THEM. ”Give her a break,” I insisted, “She forgot her brain today.” What does she do to make up for the fact that she can’t give a blowjob worth a damn? She reaches for the lube and drizzles it all over his dick, then goes, “Look at that cock. I wanna like, lick it more, but ew.”

Apparently the best thing you can do to get through this porno is devising complex games. When you watch this game, try playing a little game called “Where’s the cock?” You close your eyes and have to guess where the cock is based on Farrah’s moans alone. Wait… that’s probably going to be less complex than expected. ”YOUR COCK IS IN MY ASS BEE-BEEEEEEE” peppers the entire sex scene with Deen.

Farrah clearly didn’t want to be sucking Deen’s dick. She wanted it in her ass immediately. Before warming up. Because apparently that’s something that you do. Deen insisted on warming her up with vaginal intercourse first. She kept crying, “Harder, HARDER BEEBEE,” and Deen went harder and shook her like a rag doll and she was like, “I’M NUMB!” And we were like, “Oh, THAT’S good for you.” (Also, since she insisted on acting like a porn star, here’s a protip: “I’m numb,” really isn’t the sexiest thing to yell during intercourse if you’re not going to stop.)

If this is what it’s like to date Farrah Abraham, then she’s totally loathsome. She baby talks through the entire thing. (Because that just can’t be her regular voice. If it is, END ME.) She curls up in bed and announces, “I’m embarrassed.” Don’t worry honey, I was embarrassed for you too.

It’s bad. It’s 100% bad. It’s terribad. It’s terriawful. It’s one of the biggest trainwrecks I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen the Saw XXX parody. I don’t think I can properly convey just how bad this was, so I’ll end this review with some quotes and tweets. The only way you can properly grasp this, though, is to experience it for yourself… but I don’t recommend it.

Quotes from the film:

Farrah: “Look at my ass, my ass is like OW. My ass is in pain.”

Farrah: “I deserve this [shower], I’ve been like, way too sexual with you all day.”

Farrah: “There’s cum in my eyeball.”

James: “I would love to cuddle with you, but you just said you wanted to get fucked in the ass!”

James: “You’re not even wearing panties.”

Farrah: “I’m not?”

James: “Do you ever wear them?”

Farrah: “I’m wearing panties, you just can’t see them.”

Farrah: “This one day, I had the wettest pussy, ’cause I get myself off.”

Farrah: “I THINK YOU’RE GOING TO POP MY VAGINA.”

Farrah: “This is my magic pussy wand.” [Note: it is not a Magic Wand of any sort, it's a glass dildo.]

James: “For your magic pussy?”

Farrah: “And this is magic,” *gestures to pussy.*

Farrah: “It hurts.”

James: “It hurts?”

Farrah: “Yeah, too deep.”

James: “THEN DON’T SHOVE IT IN THAT DEEP!”

James: “What do you like about cock?”

Farrah: “It cums.”

Farrah: “I think I can feel my magic stick through my ass.”

Farrah, talking about her ass: “Only that big giant D can go in there!”

Some choice tweets (with the #FarrahDeen hashtag removed) can be found below the cut.

The bNaughty Unleashed

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Mar 112013

The bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator is a remote-controlled vibrating ~~bullet~~ egg. An egg. The thing is enormous. It’s longer than most eggs, but not quite as rounded.

To be honest with you, I’m not quite sure what they’re unleashing. I have an original bNaughty (we’re talking about the corded classic before they did the redesign), and I don’t think the Unleashed offers much more power than the original.

Wait. “Unleashed” as in untethered. Got it. Suddenly I realize why my expectations weren’t quite met.

But aside from being literally unleashed, the bNaughty Unleashed still isn’t especially powerful. It comes with 7 settings: 1 – 3 are constant vibrations at different speeds. 4 begins by ramping up, vibrates constantly for a few seconds, then ramps back up from the beginning again. 5 is constant pulsing. 6 is the same constant pulsing, except faster. 7 is a constant vibration that begins by pulsing three times. The vibrations are buzzy, and while they’re capable of getting me off when I use the vibrator clitorally, I wouldn’t call the ensuing orgasm “spectacular” by any means.

If you’re more into buzzy vibrations than I am, you might find that you have more fun with this toy. The vibrations are also loud. They aren’t Hitachi-loud, but they definitely aren’t whisper-quiet. A lot of people imagine going out in public with a wireless bullet in their panties and the remote in their partner’s hand. You won’t be doing that with this vibe. For starters, the massive egg and its little tail would be inconvenient to shove in your underwear and keep in place. But really, the biggest problem is the noise. You’d have to go to a rave for the noise this thing makes to go unnoticed.

The vibrator is controlled by the little black remote. The bottom button powers the vibe on and off, and the top button changes the vibration settings. The little display is actually kind of neat – it tells you what setting you’re on by displaying a number in the upper-right-hand corner, and the little flower in the center of the display has different segments that light up in time with the vibration you’re on.

This vibrator just didn’t work very well for me. Sure, I got off, but I didn’t enjoy it too much. For starters, I have my clitoral hood pierced and had to keep repositioning the bullet so it didn’t rattle against my jewelry. The egg’s tip is slightly pointed, which is definitely better than what you find on most vibrating bullets, but the tip still isn’t defined enough for me to really get the kind of pinpoint stimulation that I enjoy the most.

The vibrating egg also has a seam. Two seams – one where the egg opens up to reveal the battery compartment, and one on the backside of the plastic strip that holds the batteries in. You’ll need something very thin (a needle, maybe – a fingernail doesn’t get it all out) to clean the seam. I don’t like the seam. It would be one thing if the bNaughty Unleashed brought me to a roaring orgasm – that seems like a fair trade for the cleaning time.

I have another gripe, too. It DIED ON ME.

I used the bNaughty Unleashed roughly three times, and not for very long masturbation sessions. When I went to write this review, I fished it out of its bag (did I mention it comes with a little black pouch? It comes with a little black pouch), went to turn it on, and nothing happened. I tried replacing the batteries in the bullet and it still didn’t work. I had to change the remote battery as well. The device takes three batteries – the remote takes one A23 battery, and the bullet takes two N batteries. Kudos on finding the most obscure batteries you can think of, bSwish.

Also, if you don’t have nails long enough to get under the remote battery, good luck fishing it out. I had to wait until I had long nails again before I could swap out the remote battery… absolutely ridiculous. Every inanimate object that I used in an attempt to pop the battery out was useless to me, yet the battery came out easily when I slid my nail under it.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a little bit resentful about the battery hubbub. I can usually get at least 5 uses out of a vibrator before it starts to go south… usually many more than that, to be honest. But this thing threw in the towel after three short rounds. Does it just eat batteries? Were the batteries that came with it just bad? Who can say?

My ultimate verdict is that the bNaughty Unleashed isn’t for me. It doesn’t blow my mind. It’s just kind of “meh.” If I want to use a battery-operated vibrator, I have a different go-to vibe that is buzzy, but actually feels really good. My go-to vibe is also more quiet than the bNaughty Unleashed. I’m not going to lie: it’s nice to have a wireless remote in your hand or beside you on the bed so that you aren’t constantly tethered to your groin, but most bullets that I have used have cords that are long enough for me to not feel too inconvenienced. The remote doesn’t make this vibe worth it for me. If you don’t mind the noise, the buzziness, and don’t require a TON of pinpoint stimulation, this will probably give you an orgasm if you’re in the market for a wireless vibrator… but probably not the best orgasm of your life. I can think of some better uses for this vibe:

Play a game of hide-the-vibe where your partner has to find it.
Scare your partner by hiding it under their pillow and switching it on at bedtime.
Scare guests by sewing a little mouse or snake costume on it and randomly switching it on to let it rattle across the floor.
Baffle your housemates by leaving it on and hiding it somewhere so that they will periodically ask, “Do you hear vibrating?” and you can say, “No, why?”

Maybe I’m just an asshole.

A big thank you goes out to Good Vibrations for providing me with the bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator to review!

Luv My Box – November

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Nov 292012

Luv My Box is a neat idea. Seemingly geared toward couples, Luv My Box allows you to pay $34.95 to receive a that month’s bundle of joy on your doorstep. You can even buy a 3-month subscription to save $5, and I think that being able to buy a subscription to sex toys is pretty cool.

Luv My Box is also selling (gendered) holiday boxes for $20! They recommend buying them for friends, colleagues, sisters, or that secret crush. For obvious reasons, I do not recommend buying a box of mystery sex toys for your colleague or your secret crush. I think a good rule of thumb is that if you can give them sex toys without getting smacked, fired, or accused of sexual harassment, then a Luv My Box holiday box is an acceptable gift.

Anyway, I was sent November’s box to review, and with previous themes such as light bondage (restraints, blindfold, tickler, and a bottle of Sliquid) and bathtime (an I Rub My Ducky vibrator, bath foam, two different soaps, a loofah, and massage/bath oil), you can imagine how eager I was to see what would be in mine. It arrived in discreet packaging (I seriously had no idea what it was when it turned up on my doorstep), and inside I found a little black cardboard box filled with pink paper, black confetti, and goodies.

Image courtesy of LuvMyBox – theirs was way better than mine!

Breaking It Down:

Doc Johnson’s Good Head Oral Delight Gel

I thought Good Head would be a cooling gel for oral sex. I was wrong. Good Head is just Doc Johnson’s answer to, “Why doesn’t dick taste less like dick and more like a mint leaf?”

Oral Sex Dice

They say “privates” to refer to your genitals. Enough said.

Screaming O Ringo Cock Ring

“GET THIS COCK TOURNIQUET OFF ME!”

Cock rings are not for everyone.

Frisk Mints

Frisk mints are STRONG mints, and I’ve always been a fan of those. For starters, the mints are yet another answer to, “What flavors does your cock come in?” However, these actually are effective for providing sensation during oral sex no matter what your genital configuration is. I absolutely love them.

Wet Together His & Hers Lubricant

If you rewrote the gendered labeling, it would say “warming lubricant and tingling lubricant make a baby.”

The first time we tried it, I liberally applied the warming lubricant to his cock with my hands, stroked him for a while with it, then applied the tingling lubricant to myself and hopped on. He said he didn’t really get anything from the warming lubricant, but I distinctly felt like I was riding a cold dildo. The neat thing was that the fresh, tingling feeling didn’t go away for a while.

The warming lubricant also feels kind of dry to the touch when you’re rubbing it on. This was extremely disconcerting to me, but apparently it wasn’t too dry for him.

Swipes Lovin’ Wipes

They’re scented wipes. I like doing sex clean-up with wipes – they’re moist and get rid of that sticky feeling from lube.

There was also a little felt mustache in my box in support of Movember. I spent quite a while holding this up to my face (the wrong way, apparently) and marching around the house.

Who Should Buy It:

Each item seems to add up to provide a total value higher than the $35 you’re paying for the box, but the big question is, is it worth it? I think that depends on the user, and I think it also depends on what’s in the box that month.

I have many heterosexual friends who are in vanilla relationships and have a desire to spice things up, but no idea how to accomplish that. If I was looking for a one-size-fits-most suggestion for these friends, I would recommend Luv My Box to them.

I also have friends who are openly searching for sex toys, haven’t tried enough to establish a preference yet, and just can’t decide on anything. I would hurl Luv My Box at them and run. Do you nance about and find yourself unsure of where to start when you look at a sex toy website? If you don’t want to ask a sex blogger (like me!) then try Luv My Box and see where it gets you. Once those toys show up on your doorstep, you pretty much have to use them if you don’t want to have burned $35. Luv My Box takes the decision-making out of the equation for you, and some people need that… or a good smack.

I have friends with more varied sexual tastes who are already connoisseurs of sex toys, and I fit into this category as well. While this type of consumer may appreciate the novelty of Luv My Box just as I can, chances are that they already have preferred products. That’s not to say that you, Veteran Fucktoy Consumer, can’t gain something from Luv My Box. I never tried any of the slew of combination lubricants that have come out in the last few years, and my box gave me a chance to experience that. If you’ve never experimented with a cock ring, the non-threatening ring included in November’s box might be a good way to ease yourself or your partner into it. But as for the rest of it? A consumer with my experience and sexual preferences may feel like there isn’t much use for sex dice or Good Head. I can appreciate the idea of surprise that sex dice promise, but I do all that anyway. I like everything about genitals, so I don’t need to mask the taste with Good Head (which, admittedly, doesn’t taste too bad).

Are you a gender/sexual minority couple? I can’t make any guarantees for how well Luv My Box will fit you. While two people with vaginas could successfully use the lubricant, mints, and maybe the Good Head from November’s box, the only thing the cock ring would be good for is flicking around the room (which is totally valid aftercare, in my opinion). Meanwhile, two people with penises could have enjoyed all of the offerings in this month’s box.

Are you looking to play alone? I don’t know if I can recommend Luv My Box for you. While all of the items in October’s bathtime box could be used alone, you would have a much more difficult time getting as much solo enjoyment from September’s bondage box. While you could use the lube (and the cock ring, depending on your genital configuration) included in November’s box on your own, you would be hard-pressed to come up with single-person games for the sex dice, Good Head, and Frisk mints.

I think Luv My Box is a gamble for certain demographics, particularly the one that I fit into. However, it’s not necessarily difficult to find reviews that tell you what’s in the box that month – if you want to spoil the surprise, you can try to find them before you spend your money. Would I buy more? If I had a decent amount of disposable income, sure, for funsies. I would buy a box or two so that I could try new products that I might never have considered buying. Ultimately, though, I’m not a consumer who really needs Luv My Box. I have a lot of sexual toys and aides, and very specific things on my wishlist. I know what I like and what I want, and my sex life is generally spicy enough for my taste… but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like surprises or trying new things. However, because I don’t have any disposable income, I can’t afford to bring the box into my life on a regular basis. I could save the money that I would spend on two months’ worth of boxes and spend it on a Hitachi instead, which is something that I know I will enjoy.

Buy it…

If you like surprises
If you like trying new things
If you don’t know where to start
If you can’t decide on a product
If you can’t imagine ever setting foot in a sex toy store
If you know that you’re part of a demographic that is equipped to use every part of a box – the safest bet being heterosexual couples.

A big thank you to the lovely folks at Luv My Box who sent me a box to review!

Underwhelming Things: The Shag Factory Swing Ring

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Nov 182012

I’ve used two cock rings in my life. The first was not incredible. The Shag Factory Swing Ring was the second.

Maybe it’s my anatomy. I’m a big girl with prominent outer labia. I have to spread them to get this thing in the general REGION of where it’s actually supposed to be, which is fine, but even then my clitoris rarely lines up with where sex toy companies -think- my clitoris should be (which is not an uncommon problem).

Maybe it’s my personal taste for vibrations that would send a T-Rex roaring into multiple orgasms.

Maybe it’s just ’cause it’s not that good.

The Shag Factory Swing Ring is a politician. It promises to stimulate the perineum with its swinging weight on the bottom. It promises to cycle through multiple vibration patterns automatically. It promises to increase sensitivity and hardness. The big difference is that with this toy, congress can’t be blamed for the failure to fulfill these promises. It’s entirely possible that it cycles through vibration patterns, but I didn’t notice. My partner didn’t notice the ball at the end. Maybe we were distracted by struggling to get something out of the toy.

We tried the Swing Ring with me on top. If you can picture me squatting over a cock, trying desperately to maneuver that absurd little vibrating protrusion (it looks like a spare appendage with warts, you guys) onto my clitoris, then you can imagine how absurd the whole thing was. It was definitely not conducive to a passionate, sexy lovemaking session.

We tried it with me on bottom. This is probably the position in which you are supposed to use the Shag Factory Swing Ring. I still wouldn’t call it optimal. In fact, with all the desperate fumbling you will do while trying to make this toy work for you, missionary will ACTUALLY be boring. Or tedious. Can something be boring AND tedious simultaneously? Survey says: yes.

The packaging is also patently absurd. It’s not really a point for or against it. It’s just ridiculous. I get what they were going for, but it looks like a children’s toy. DO NOT LEAVE THIS LYING AROUND FOR YOUR CHILDREN TO FIND.

Image courtesy of Babeland.

So I don’t care that the Shag Factory Swing Ring is a beautiful blue, or that its tail looks like it belongs on one of Giger’s aliens from the movies. I do not care that the ball at the end of the tail has a star on it. These were physical traits that were cute and/or gimmicky and/or pretty enough to attract me to the toy. After trying to use it, though, all I care about is the stumpy blue thumb with warts on it that did NOTHING for me. I mean, damn. If you’re going to look blatantly unappealing, then at least impress me.

I’m a little bitter. That cock ring was for ME, and I wanted to get something out of it. But I didn’t. And my partner didn’t, so there wasn’t even a consolation prize. This leads me to believe that you probably shouldn’t consider the Shag Factory Swing Ring unless you find that you have a lot of success with similarly-shaped cock rings.

Thank you, Babeland, for providing me with the Shag Factory Swing Ring to review!

A Series of Love Letters: Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo

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Sep 272012

Dear G-spot Toys:

I am so sorry.

I am sorry that I will always be comparing you, no matter what you are, to the Pure Wand, especially if you are curved or made of metal. I am sorry that my G-spot scoffs in the face of a resilient hammering unless also paired with clitoral stimulation, with which no G-spot dildo has been able to provide me simultaneously.

Dear Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo:

Thank you for making me jizz everywhere despite not being the Pure Wand. At first, I saw you and wasn’t sure that I’d like you… but I really wanted to try. When we first met, I was astonished by your incredibly hard, solid exterior. I immediately had to beat you on a variety of surfaces to test how sturdy you were. You were so firm, despite being the most lightweight dildo I’ve ever owned. Somewhere between pulling you out of my mailbox and leaving you in my room to go to dinner, I decided that I would not rest until I put you in my vagina.

I love you, Galaxy G.

I love you so much that sometimes I get a little choked up and moist inside.

I really have no intention of spending the entirety of this review comparing the Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo to the Pure Wand, but let’s be honest: they are both awesome G-spotting dildos. It is not easy to talk about my second-favorite G-spotter without comparing it to my favorite G-spotter. Really. They are both so great that Goodvibes recommends the Pure Wand when you visit the page for the Galaxy G. I look at the Galaxy G as a great introductory G-spotter; the opening act to the Pure Wand’s performance, if you actually like the Pure Wand. (Let’s be honest, while many of us love it, it’s not for everyone.)

The Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo from Good Vibrations is a short, solid acrylic dildo with a steep curve and two differently-shaped ends. One is round. The other is pointy. The pointy end is not for my G-spot, but it might be for yours. However, the round end serves its purpose nicely. It hits all the right places, it isn’t too pokey, and it isn’t too big to get the job done.

When I say the Galaxy G has a short length and a steep curve, I’m not exaggerating. It fits very well against the inner curve of the Pure Wand – less length, more curve. This can be complicated to use if you’re expecting a toy with more reach. I found that the Galaxy G wasn’t quite as good for the same type of frenzied thrusting that I do with the Pure Wand, but the important thing is that it still feels amazing.

Because it’s not heavy at all, your wrists won’t get tired when you use it. If you’re tough to get off (in any way), then this is a good thing, because you want to be able to fuck unimpeded. However, because of the angle, it will be easier to thrust with if you have longer arms than I do. Because mine aren’t very long, I eventually took to using it sitting up rather than lying down. However, that curve can also screw you over depending on the kind of vibe you’re using. For me, the curve makes this dildo run right up against my vulva very snugly. Naturally, that can be something of an impediment depending on the size of your vibrator. The Wahl is not that convenient for wedging into place beside the Galaxy G.

But regardless of the difficulty of squishing a vibrator into the mix, the great thing about the Galaxy G is that, like any other G-spot stimulation, it can make you squirt. Squirting is among my favorite things. I have to have the aforementioned clitoral stimulation to do it, so I have to use the Galaxy G with one hand and a vibe with another.

Some people only require G-spot stimulation to get off. The Galaxy G is beyond perfect for them. There’s absolutely no difficulty involved in its use if you aren’t trying to get vibration into the mix. Honestly, it’s probably the closest thing to the perfect dildo for G-spotting if the lack of clitoral vibrations won’t complicate your experience. While the Pure Wand’s weight feels delicious internally, the Galaxy G feels great without killing your wrists. It’s not heavy, not cold or warm… it’s like fucking yourself with a very rigid cloud. For some people, this may be perfect.

The acrylic material also makes the Galaxy G easier to transport. You can literally throw it in your bag and go. It’s so light that you could carry it around in your purse and you wouldn’t have to worry about the material picking up lint, fuzz, and hair like a silicone dildo does. You may laugh at the fact that I consider portability a perk, but when I’m packing a big bag of sex toys to drag through airport security, the weight matters to me.

For the incredibly cheap price, I would have purchased the Galaxy G if I hadn’t been able to review it. It’s not the Pure Wand, but it doesn’t have to be. I think it’s a little more accessible than the Pure Wand. The shape, the ease of use due to weight, the “safe” material choice (because metal is not for everyone), and how damn good it feels all make it a great toy, whether you’re a G-spot enthusiast, or if you’re just starting out. If you are just starting out and want a guide on how to stimulate the G-spot, I suggest checking out the Oh My Gush! Kit at Goodvibes, which includes the Galaxy G, GUSH: The Official Guide to the G-Spot & Female Ejaculation, and Please Cream Lube (which is glycerin and paraben-free and body safe). This toy, a how-to DVD, and lube? You could literally walk out of the store with the kit, go home, and hammer yourself into oblivion within the span of an hour.

Thank you, Good Vibrations, for providing me with the Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo to review! I can assure you that it’s in good hands.

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex

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Sep 212012

If you ever wanted a porno to sell you on anal, then Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex is the porn video for you.

For starters, it’s educational as hell… and one of the best things about the educational bits (other than the wealth of legitimate and helpful information) is that the educational portions are taught by Tristan, who is a piece of eye candy no matter how much or how little she wears.

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex begins with anal endorsements and clips from the stars, and Tristan offers a lesson on anatomy and hygiene, which are valuable lessons for anal sex. I love the hygiene lesson, because Tristan actually discusses enemas, and how to use a disposable enema safely (pour out the prepacked contents!), which is colossally important. Tristan wins more points in my book by warning against numbing lubes in anal sex, praising warm-up anal activity before pulling out the big guns, and telling us about how to train your ass, and offering advice for first-time anal practitioners. She gives suggestions on how to deal with pain during anal (back off!), good positions for anal sex, and toy play.

The stars. Nina Hartley! Kylie Ireland! Adrianna Nicole! Bobbi Starr! Danny Wylde! James Deen! Mr. Marcus! Christian, God of Giant Cocks! It’s a great cast.

Kylie Ireland and James Deen start the show, prepping her anally with fingers, then taking the ENTIRETY of a Tantus A-Bomb like a champ… and begging for more. She and James fuck doggie-style with the A-Bomb in her ass, then he slips it out and takes her ass from the side while she uses a hitachi. I loved the use of gloves, because I’m anal (no pun intended) about protection, and it puts my nosy mind at ease when performers use some kind. The entire performance is rife with dirty talk and a faint squeaking from the bed, which is only a tiny bit distracting if you really focus on it. James and Kylie do a good job of providing the kind of dirty talk that I absolutely love, and it’s really genuine, convincing, in-the-moment talk, with growls and groans and a lot of muttering… which is only slightly annoying if you have to adjust your volume a lot to hear it.

When I finally sat down to finish this review, I watched it on the large television in the living room. Noise level was not a concern.

But really, other than Kylie Ireland’s ass of holding, the verbal responses are some of the best things about this scene. The dirty talk is guttural and intense, and you can tell Kylie is losing her shit. That turns me on SO much, because those growls are really authentic, and they remind me of my own intense sexual experiences.

Danny and Adriana are next, and they’re… a lot quieter. I’m not going to lie, that disappoints me, but I do love is the bondage tape harness that Danny makes to secure the plug that Adriana wears while she blows him. The sex largely consists of a variety of positions for anal intercourse, and is absent of both the squeaky bed AND much other than the growl of a Hitachi and some quiet moaning. I guess another good thing is that I love their headboard… and sometimes they make good eye contact. But that’s all I’ve got to say about this. It wasn’t my speed. Honestly, I started fastforwarding through it after the halfway mark just to get to the end of the scene, in which Danny cums on Adriana’s ass and I look forward to getting on with the DVD.

The scene with Mr. Marcus and Bobbi Starr actually starts out with Bobbi in what appears to be a harness with a small Tantus Ace beneath it. She quickly upgrades to the larger Ace…

It’s worth applauding Bobbi for her expert cock-handling. And for being a lot louder than Adriana, which is a blessing. Mr. Marcus is at least slightly more verbal than Danny was, which I’m into. They also have sex in a room with a couple mirrors, so the camera angle that captures the action through a mirror is nice. I love when Bobbi is sitting on him Reverse-Cowgirl style and rubbing herself as she rides him. In fact, I really just love her anyway, because she is such a gorgeous woman. One of her orgasms is amazing. Then later she and Mr. Marcus try to break a chair! (Try. I say try because it squeaks incessantly.)

Mr. Marcus also does this clapping thing when he gets really into it that I just find hilarious. I’m totally cool with applauding her performance – I would! But something about the act itself in the moment just entertains me endlessly. Sometimes he does it and I expect Bobbi to just stop moving and fall lifelessly to the floor. CLAP OFF!

Last, but not least, Christian and Nina.

Watching Nina Hartley make this face (while imitating an opera singer hitting a high C) is worth the price of admission alone. (That’s the combined anal and clitoral stimulation face.)

Nina is just the best. There is nothing about this woman that I do not adore, in this porn or anywhere else. She doesn’t hesitate to tell Christian when he hits the right spot. She asks for exactly what she wants – “right there! I’d love it if you put a thumb in my ass.” And she loves people who aren’t afraid to let their “freak flag” fly. She’s incredibly verbal, incredibly fun, and she can practically EAT the nJoy Eleven with her ass. (That’s admiration that you’re reading, by the way. And eeeenvy.)

Nina’s awesomeness doesn’t just carry the scene… Christian’s willingness to put stuff in his ass is the best. There is no other way to say that. Any man who lets someone put a Pure Plug and an nJoy Pure Wand in his ass (before getting pegged later) on camera is automatically up there in my top 10 favorite male pornstars.

Nina compliments him on looking good as the recipient of some strap-on lovin’, and I agree with her 100%. He looks damn good on his knees.

It’s just a hot scene. They communicate and do all kinds of shit – there’s nothing “one note” about any of it. While it isn’t necessarily the SUPER-INTENSE GROWLING UTTERLY-CHEMISTRY-DRIVEN dirty talk that I love, it’s something else I can enjoy and respect just as much: enthusiastic, fun, enjoyment-driven dirty talk! Christian cums all over his stomach while Nina pegs him, and she tells him how much fun he is. Everyone should have an orgasm like that at least once.

If the porn and basic education weren’t good enough, this DVD also comes with educational special features about:

Safer sex and choking safety
Strap-on Tips
Anal hygiene, and
Solo prostate stimulation

The toys in TristanTaormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex are totally great. There’s a LOT of Tantus and nJoy toys, and in the shot that shows a bunch of anal toys during the educational segment, there are even some NobEssence (luuuuuuust) toys… such as the Romp. The educational content is superb, and the sex is great. While I very obviously have my two favorite scenes, I wouldn’t describe the other two as mediocre… they’re just not my speed. I think the sheer amount and value of the content is worth the money, don’t you?

Seriously. If you don’t care about anal, Tristan has videos of similar quality about squirting, blowjobs, rough sex, and more, so there’s something to tickle everyone’s fancy. Check out Tristan’s site at http://puckerup.com!

To Tristan Taormino and all of her assistants: My vagina and I both thank you all for sending this video to me for a review!

So You Don’t Miss It: Sugarcunt Reads 50 Shames of Earl Grey for Insane Hussein Reviews

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Sep 192012

I told you guys in my last post that I was reviewing 50 Shames of Earl Grey for Insane Hussein Reviews, since I needed something to restore my faith in literature after I reviewed 50 Shades of Grey.

I wasn’t lying. Here’s the 50 Shames review. GO FORTH!

Wet For Her Four

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Sep 112012

About an age and a half ago (December, I think?), Wet For Her contacted me to do a review of their non-phallic double-ended dildo, the Wet For Her Toy Four.

_{Image cobbled together are courtesy of Wet For Her}

I was thrilled about this, because I was wildly curious about Wet For Her toys. As someone who has dated a lesbian who really wasn’t into penises (but could at least tolerate phallic shapes), I thought it might be an interesting opportunity to switch things up. Epiphora did a review of the Wet for Her Two, and over the summer sent me the Two in a package (because I was wildly curious about it).

But this is a review about the Four. So anyway, Erika was nice enough to send me the Four. The timing wasn’t fabulously convenient, initially, because I was in a monogamous relationship with the slutling. We could have used it anally; we simply never got around to it because I was still trying to make sure he could take a regular dildo before I tried fucking him with anything double-ended or in a harness. Do make a note that you don’t have to be in a relationship with someone with a vagina to use this. You’ll have to be mindful of the direction you point the curved end, but it’s perfectly good for any sort of partner play, no matter what genital configuration you’re packing.

I did, however, masturbate with this toy frequently. (After all, one wants to use the toy several times before writing a review. And it’s delicious.)

The Four is an amazing masturbation device for those with short arms, or with wrists that get tired from thrusting with their palms on the bottom of a flat-bottomed dildo. The connecting material between the Four’s two parts is very solid and sturdy, which is exactly the opposite of the connection that the Feeldoe has. This means that the part of the dildo that’s meant to go in the partner wearing it makes a great handle.

When masturbating, the Four hit my g-spot pretty well. Because the end is tapered like two fingers, it isn’t particularly wide or flat, but I don’t exclusively need that width. Because of the sturdiness of my “handle,” it was easy to thrust with the degree of force I needed. Now, Epiphora raises a good point about the Two that is also true for the Four: it’s not a set of fingers, so it can’t move or adjust the curve like real fingers can. They will always be in that shape. Unless your partner only does one thing with their fingers, then it will not be like partner play. And if you don’t like fingering, it’s just not the same as using a phallic dildo with a wider head.

The Four also comes with a bullet you can put in it. I only tried the toy with the bullet once because of my previous bullet-optional toy follies (see: The Protouch From Hell). I don’t feel so crazy about it. The toy is very thick, so I’m not sure that I can say you’ll get a lot sensation from the vibrations. And internally, most vibrations are very “meh” for me anyway.

Aside from masturbating, I did try to use the Four the way that Wet For Her intended. When I became single, my ex/roommate and I decided to have sex again. The Four was not the focus of our play, but we decided to try it in the middle of things, because I was very conscious of the fact that I needed to hurry up and review the thing. (This was in February, so I was already lagging on my review.) Since I’m the aggressive one out of the two of us, I opted to try fucking her with it, and decided I wouldn’t waste time bothering with my harness.

I carefully inserted the toy, and was immediately a little disconcerted when I stood up. It didn’t want to be in my vagina. By sheer force of will and vaginamancy (human sacrifice), I kept it inside myself and prepared her for the ride of her life. Unfortunately, the ride was drastically impaired by the same thing that has ruined harness use for me every time I’ve tried it: I am five feet tall. My partners are always at least eight inches taller than me.

Seriously, guys. I tried bending her over the bed. I tried using Fuck Mountain (my pile of Liberator sex furniture). We tried it with her standing up (why did we bother with that?). We even tried to have her climb on top, and I can’t even remember if she managed to mount me or not. If she did, we didn’t keep it up very long.

So she said, “Well maybe I can fuck you with it.” Hell yes, I love dildos! My body is ready!

Or not.

Height difference didn’t have time to come into play, because she put the Four in, then had trouble keeping it in. It’s not a failure on her part by any means – she simply doesn’t bother with insertion. Like, ever. Only in sex with other people. So it’s normal for her pelvic muscles to be less strong than those of someone who spends hours a week using a variety of dildos and ben-wa balls on themself (me). It’s not like she has a reason to sit around doing kegels. But unfortunately, that meant no double-dildo lovin’ for me.

So I haven’t really had an opportunity to play with the Four much more than that. I’m in another monogamous relationship with a man who doesn’t have a vagina and doesn’t get much out of receiving anal. I am often plagued by frustration with review toys because if I don’t get to try their intended use, or use them multiple times, I feel like it’s not thorough enough to form a fully-accurate review.

The Four isn’t a bad toy. I like to masturbate with it, and I like that the partner end doesn’t flop around because of a thin connection with the penetrator’s end. I think it’s a great masturbation device and offers a lot of potential for people who have specific ability-related needs involving their hands and sex toy use. I do not feel the need to use the bullet, but it’s a nice thought for those who may enjoy that. My review can’t offer much critique on the intended use for the toy, but I do know this: you need strong PC muscles. Muscle strength is probably less crucial (but still beneficial) if you pair the Four with a harness, like the Joque (<3). If you’ve got double-dildo experience, you and your partner will enjoy the shape of the toy, and you’re curious about the Four, I encourage exploration with it if you’ve got the money.

Ultimately, the biggest thing I learned from this experience is that you probably need to be capable of fucking someone with a dildo before you try to use the Four.

Thanks so much to the gang at Wet For Her for letting me try the Toy Four! I owe all of you some orgasms. *Wink.*

50 Shades of Bullshit: 50 Shades of Grey In 140 Characters or Less

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Jun 072012

A love hate summary of my most recent (and shaming) Goodreads shelf addition, 50 Shades of Grey, presented in bites of 140 characters or less.

Warning: Content may be borderline spoiler-y. I will put the review behind a read more link below the image SOLELY because I’m trying to be considerate of those among us who want to read this dribble.

So I’m writing a romance novel. Sort of. But before you write for a genre, you have to at least read it. And additionally, why write something within a genre you hate, right? (It does make sense. I mean, if you want to write something good, you should actually like what you’re doing.) I want to write good romance, because I like good romance, but romantic fiction is an expansive field, so sometimes you have to dig through a lot of shit before you hit gold. You start at the popular stuff and burrow, hoping to find an entire t-rex carcass packed beneath the dirt.

I started digging and I hit petrified shit.

50 Shades of Grey became this INCREDIBLE phenomenon around April, and is a published work that originated as Twilight fanfiction. For my first fifty pages or so, I didn’t quite realize until some things (“Damn it, I was biting my lip AGAIN. For the BILLIONTH TIME BECAUSE LIP-BITING IS THE ONLY PHYSICAL ACTION I CAN PERFORM WITHOUT STUMBLING… most of the time.”) started popping up. And then the internet research said, “Oh yeah, by the way…”

Still, the publisher said the book “bore very little resemblance to Twilight!” Given that, I –tried- to put the story’s origins out of my mind, so as not to be biased in my reading.

I probably wouldn’t have bothered writing this if I had failed. I am definitely biased… because one of the most singular things E.L. James did well was encapsulate Stephanie Meyer’s loathsome, insipid characters within Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. (And let me just say: from the beginning, I did think the name “Anastasia Rose Steele” sounded stupid.)

I’m not going to give you my standard mile-long review where I pick over every point. Instead, I’m going to give you the niblet version: my tweets while I read the book. So just in case you missed all of them, you can now read the entirety of Sugarcunt’s #50ShadesOfBullshit tweets from start to finish. For the sake of brevity, I’ll remove my hash tag from these quotations.

Synergy: Annoying Buzzword, Decent Lubricant

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Oct 222011

I’ve been browsing around for new lube, since I’ve chewed through a bottle of Astroglide in a ridiculous amount of time. I also never intend to use Astroglide again, because my bottle of Astroglide smells like bubble formula. Things that smell like bubble formula do not belong in my vagina.

Wet Synergy Lubricant is a hybrid of silicone and water that does not smell like a children’s playground. Something like that shouldn’t earn it points in my book, but it does.

Synergy is thicker than any other lubricant that I’ve tried (Astroglide, Wet Platinum, and some lube from Tantus), and even though it’s a hybrid of water and silicone, it doesn’t start to feel tacky like water-based lubricant does. It maintains the satin-like texture that I associate with silicone lubricant, and has a relatively comparable staying power to silicone lube.

The thickness of Synergy has made it very useful for anal play, and has been an absolute blessing when it comes to lubing up toys. Silicone lubricant tends to piss me off because it drips off my toys instantly, making an unholy mess. No more, I say!

However, this isn’t the perfect lube. It’s good, but not perfect. It’s supposed to be hypoallergenic. I can verify that it certainly hasn’t irritated my skin, but I’m not particularly sensitive. However, it does contain glycerin, which is a nightmare for people that are prone to yeast infections. It also made my partner’s urethra burn when I slathered it on him to use for a handjob. Does that have to do with the glycerin? I don’t know… but I made sure never to put it on his cock again. His ass has no problem with it, though, and lube is far more essential to a proper anal experience for him than it is to an enjoyable handjob experience.

It isn’t especially pleasant-tasting, either… it has that artificial-tasting sweetness that is common among most lubricants. I mean, it isn’t bad. It’s not like licking rancid ass. But I don’t particularly like it. That suits me just fine, since I won’t be using this on the slutling’s penis.

Can you use it with silicone toys?

Good question. Because this lube contains silicone, I generally don’t, unless I have the toy secured by a condom. As with any silicone lube, you would have to ask the toy manufacturer about the toy’s compatibility with the lubricant.

Ultimately, I’ve enjoyed the addition of Wet Synergy to my toy bag. In my bedroom, its benefits have far outweighed its few downfalls. I wouldn’t recommend it to people who are irritated by glycerin, and I wouldn’t use it in acts such as sounding, or handjobs. However, it has been an excellent lubricant for use with my toys, and in anal play.

Thank you, Goodvibes, for providing me with the Wet Synergy Lubricant! Without it, I would definitely be fucking myself a lot less… and let’s be honest, no one wants that.

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