Poems I’ll Never Send My Tinder Dates: The Tiger

[CW: This is sexually explicit.]

*****
*****

to the guy who kissed
like his presence in my life,
which is
fucking THERE:
occupy as much of me
as you desire.

when you held me
you cradled me
in your arms, with
no stress, no hesitation.
our embrace had
no preparation
no trepidation
only desire
tinged with tenderness,

while your tongue
made your presence known
behind my lips
and in my brain.

every night i
cup my hand over my vulva while I
think about your mouth and
your arms around me as i grew
hotter and
squirmier and
needier and
deliciously small in a way
that almost felt new.

i remember
the quick dip of your hips
as the tip
of your cock
hit delicious places while
filling the hungry, empty spaces
in my cunt,
zones of intense pleasure
i barely remembered i had.

and my thumb traces
my lower lip
as i think about it wrapped
’round the head of your dick,
tightly across the edges of your
latex-shrouded cock
slick with my juices.

condoms would all taste better
if they were me-flavored,
but every night i put my fingers in
my mouth, and I think,
“they’d probably be better
if they were you-flavored.”

The Impact of Mental Illness on my Sex Life

Lots of people have taken the time to start and contribute to the conversation about depression and sex. Crista and JoEllen are two big names in the realm of sex and depression. Crista founded #OrgasmQuest and received national attention for it, and JoEllen is writing a book called, “The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression & The Conversations We Aren’t Having”. Just last week they ran a panel at Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit called “The Monster Under The Bed: Starting the Conversation About Sex and Depression“. With that in mind, they’ve pretty extensively covered depression and sex a lot more adequately than I ever will.

Back in 2012 Epiphora wrote about losing two weeks of her sex life to Zoloft, a common prescription for anxiety and depression.

Girly Juice has written about her anxiety a few times, most notably some very good advice about anxiety and dating.

Lorax of Sex wrote about why they sometimes don’t write because of living with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and compulsive disorders.

Sarah wrote about stopping SSRIs how it has affected her life.

I have bipolar 2, generalized anxiety disorder, and agoraphobia, and I can pinpoint the ways that each of them has affected my relationship with my sex life.

I have been party to both major depressive episodes and bipolar depression. When I was majorly depressed, I usually had no interest in sex, because I had no interest in anything that didn’t involve sleeping or crying. With bipolar depression (which I’m medicated for), my desire for sex is almost nonexistent, and what I do sexually tends to reflect that. If I masturbate, I do it as quickly and as uncomplicatedly as possible, and it’s usually out of habit. This go around I haven’t masturbated in over a month and a half. I have so little interest in masturbation right now that I can’t even bring myself to do it. Mentally I am so unprepared for sex that when my husband tries to initiate it, I’ll have a go at participating to see if I fall into the mood, but usually the attempt comes to an abrupt halt because I start crying. When I’m having depressed sex my mind isn’t in it, and it makes me feel vulnerable and defective.

I find myself almost exclusively depressed as a bipolar person. My hypomanic phases are terribly infrequent, which is a shame because I’m convinced that my hypomania is how non-mentally-ill people feel all the time, other than the decreased need to sleep and mildly impaired judgment. I feel sexually motivated and powerful when I’m hypomanic. I masturbate with a wide range of tools when I’m hypomanic. I want to have sex with more edge play when I’m hypomanic. I thought polyamory was a good idea when I was hypomanic, only to find that I was too exhausted and had no interest in maintaining multiple relationships once I came down.

My anxiety disorder comes into play in sex, too. If I’m having a particularly anxious day, I’ll have a hard time focusing on sex. I’ll become unexpectedly and irrationally insecure, and worry about weird things, like how my orgasm face looks, or what if I say the wrong name. The latter worry is the strangest, because it’s not like I fantasize about other people during sex – it’s just a fear I’ve always had about having sex. I’ll be hyper-aware of my body size and too afraid of hurting my partner to really enjoy intercourse. On the whole, anxiety makes me entirely too tense to have sex. Some people fuck to unwind, but the very idea of fucking will just wind me up more.

My agoraphobia seems like a strange thing to include here, but it really does affect my sex life. Lately I’ve noticed that, even in a depressive state, I’m able to get aroused when I’m not staying in my own home. An unwillingness to leave the house and inability to go anywhere alone has made my world quite small. All of my stress, worries, and emotions live at home. It’s my escape from the horrors of the outside world, but since it’s where I am 24/7 it’s where I face all of my internal horrors. I don’t get much in the way of housework, hobbies, self-care, or even work-work done at home, and the tasks I’ve procrastinated on loom over me no matter what room I’m in. My home is the nexus of my stress. I am starting to think that I can’t fuck in the nexus of my stress… and frankly, I don’t know what to do about it.

I don’t know how much of my ruined sex drive is the result of my mental illnesses and how much can be attributed to the medications treating them, but I need the medication, so I can’t quit my pills just to salvage my sex life. I miss desiring sex. I miss the intimacy and joy of having sex with my partner. I miss the fun of using my toy collection and testing new products. I don’t have the money to see a therapist, so I’m left to sort it out on my own, and it’s not working. How can I get my sex life back on track?

Highlights From the First Ever Jerkathon

#Vespacunt

Back at the beginning of May I masturbated with dildos for the second time in over a year. I spent over two hours masturbating and livetweeting it, and I hashtagged it #Jerkathon. I piled my sex toys for the night into an empty McDonald’s bag and carried all my things to the bedroom, and I was ready to begin.

Continue reading “Highlights From the First Ever Jerkathon”

Improvised Masturbation With Household Objects and Better, Sexier Alternatives #2

So I was in bed at 5 AM, lying there thinking about sticking razors in my pussy, like you do.

It occurred to me that I probably would have had much safer sexual experiences when I was exploring sexually as a young person if someone had just given me the right dildo.  Why do I say that?  Well for starters, the horrible shit that went down in Texture Fiend never would have happened.

This series of blog posts will share some popular household items that I may or may not have tried to put in my vagina, and here are some delicious dildo alternatives to sate your foreign-objects-in-your-orifice desires without the risk of harm.

Number one: Disposable razor handles.

Number two:

I have inserted bananas.

Well, just one banana, really.

How: With a condom on it.

Why: Because everybody else does it and so I figured I may as well try it too.

Where: Vagina.  DO NOT PUT A BANANA IN YOUR ANUS.  If you disregard my warning and do so, you’re going to find yourself in the ER getting an X-ray of the banana your ass just ate and you’re going to feel pretty silly.

Do I recommend: Not really.  It’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve put in my vagina, but bananas can be mushy.  Ew.  It was certainly bigger than anything I wanted in my vagina at the time.  I hated having things in my vagina.  Why was I compelled to put things inside it?  Because I thought I was supposed to like it.  That’s a good reason to do anything, right?

Alternatives

Tantus Curve BS O2 G-Spot DildoVixen Mustang Tie-Bright     Fucking Sculptures Two-Cumber

The affordable: Tantus Curve.  $49.99 (Anal safe!)

The pretty: BS O2 Silicone G-Spot Dildo. $64.99 (Anal safe!)

The brightly-colored: Vixen Creations VixSkin Mustang in Tie-Bright. $99.99 (Anal safe!)

The luxe: Fucking Sculptures Two-Cumber. $110.00

 

Next up: dental tools!

 

Improvised Masturbation With Household Objects and Better, Sexier Alternatives #1

So I was in bed at 5 AM, lying there thinking about sticking razors in my pussy, like you do.

It occurred to me that I probably would have had much safer sexual experiences when I was exploring sexually as a young person if someone had just given me the right dildo.  Why do I say that?  Well for starters, the horrible shit that went down in Texture Fiend never would have happened.

This series of blog posts will share some popular household items that I may or may not have tried to put in my vagina, and here are some delicious dildo alternatives to sate your foreign-objects-in-your-orifice desires without the risk of harm.

First up:

I have inserted disposable razor handles.

How: With the safety cap on.

Why: Straight, safety cap was never in the way, deliciously textured, very thin (which I felt that I needed at the time).

Where: Vagina and anus

Do I recommend: NO.  Especially not anally.  The safety barrier for the razor-y part of the razor could have been pushed off at any time, and as someone who has snipped her labia while trimming her pubic hair, I can assure you that YOU DON’T WANT CROTCH CUTS.  And as for the anus… yes, the razor’s head does flare out much like the base of a dildo or butt plug would, but honestly, I just wouldn’t risk PUTTING A RAZOR IN YOUR ASS.

Alternatives:

icicles 1rippler  nobessence lingerCORKSCREW-RED

The cheap: Icicles No. 1.  Totally rigid because it’s glass, totally straight, totally textured.  A steal at $23.99.

The girthy: Pleasure Works Rippler.  One of my favorites – sturdy and girthy with a delightful texture.  $50.99

The wooden: NobEssence Linger. $129.99

The luxe: Fucking Sculptures Corkscrew.  $140.00

 

Butt plug alternative:

tantus twist-all

I trust Tantus with my ass more than I trust any other company!

The Tantus Twist ($39.75).

 

Stay tuned for more better, sexier alternatives in the future!  Next up: produce.

Sugarcunt’s Dorm Sex Flowchart

I don’t sleep.  I also don’t get to jack it while I sit awake at 6 AM.

To explain this unfortunate phenomenon, and what college sex is like for me in general, allow me to present

Sugarcunt’s Dorm Sex Flowchart.

Go ahead and click that shit so you can actually read it.  And read the line key!