Femme Daddy 4 Femme

Sugar, a pale, fat queer with freckles, black lipstick, and black eyeliner, reclines against the wooden headboard of a bed. Their hair is cyan and short, falling to their ears. They are wearing a black babydoll that is split down the middle and red underwear. They are gazing directly into the camera, head tilted to the left ever so slightly, and holding one tail of a black suede flogger in both hands in front of their face, biting down on the middle of the tail.If you’re looking for something sexy, have a sweet and true story snippet from my first sexual experience as a femme Daddy. (Which is pretty fucking great, y’all.)


[CW: Sexually explicit, DDLG, orgasm control.]

**********
**********

“Oh, Daddy…”

She’s squirming beneath me, the pitch of her voice octaves higher than usual, her breathing ragged and her hips rotating, supple lips parted, lashes long and dark over her cheekbones, eyes rolled back beneath her eyelids. I press my hand harder into her cunt through her short shorts, applying the pressure to her vulva that I know she craves – firm, unerring rubbing, massaging the legs of her internal clitoris, sending warm satisfaction through her groin and tingles into the head of her clit as it continues to swell.

“You have to tell me when you want to cum, babygirl.”

I shift the layers of my skirt to leer over her, press the Die Cast against her clothed cunt, and lean into it, savoring the feeling of her body shuddering under mine. She immediately takes her mouth off the pillow and tries to muster the words. It’s cute, her incredible responsivity, the soft noises she makes, the way she begins to pant so easily when she’s swamped with lust. I drag the long nails of my other hand up the bare inside of her upper thigh. Eventually that sweet, small voice comes back out.

“Now, please, Daddy…”
“Okay kitten… bite the pillow then, Daddy’s going to make you cum.”

She stuffs the fabric into her mouth as I turn the Die Cast up, squeezing one of her breasts and rubbing the wand up and down her vulva. The Die Cast is already starting to numb my fingertips, holding it as close to the head as I am, but it’s worthwhile – I know it won’t be long before I get what I want from my girl. Her muscles are twitching and she begins to tremble beneath me, her quickening breath beginning to hitch in her throat. I bump the vibe up another notch.

“Oh, that’s a good girl… Cum for Daddy, babygirl.”

She lets go, squealing into the pillow, convulsing under me as I hold the head of the toy against her, watching that sweet expression on her beautiful face – her curls falling over one of her eyes and obscuring everything but the black, sharp tip of her flawless winged eyeliner. When her convulsions slow and she curls in on herself, I turn off the vibrator. We had five minutes to get that orgasm out, and I want us to be prompt about her departure so I can respect my roommates’ boundaries.

If I didn’t have to send her home, I’d keep the vibrator on against her cunt, hitch up my skirt, and ride it down into her until we were both exhausted and soaked. I’d part my outer lips and show her the slick, convulsing, pink parts of me, dripping after the languid and intensely hot making out, the feeling of her tits in my hands, the frustrated, whiny way she whimpered, “Daddy…” when I bit her earlobe. I’d let her stroke and probe, show her how I liked it, let her explore every curve and crevice I had.

And then, I’d give her my Sailor Moon pajama shirt to change into for bed and hold her afterward, my naked body against her, kissing the back of her neck and lacing my fingers through hers until we fell asleep together in a room reeking of incense, make-up, perfume, and sex.

Poems I’ll Never Send My Tinder Dates: The Rescuer

[This is sexually explicit. CW: Mentions of caning, knife play, chain fisting, watersports, and PTSD.]

*****

*****

to the guy
for whom i was going to write an erotic poem
except
you ghosted me after our 3 overnights:

after you
charmed me with
a calculated sadism
balanced by a wickedly sexy,
affectionate, daddy smile.

after you
vibrated my core,
showed me the secret of
weighing liquid
in troy ounces,
cooked me eggs.

after you said you would
work with me through
my trigger, to
find life past it, where i don’t
have to stop
every time i get so hot
my body rebels.

after you
told me you
“fucked kinky, dated vanilla”
whatever that means…

probably that
you’re actually much
too normal
for me to slut around with after all.

probably that
you give time to the
girls you can take home to mom.
and i promise you,
i don’t wanna meet anybody’s mother
again.

probably that maybe
something didn’t click, that you went
through the motions
(kink dynamo
daddy extraordinaire
sensual sadist)
with amazing efficacy of demeanor
that had me slightly smitten.

probably that
i could see a way
where our two minds could meet
and we could learn
and laugh
and fuck, but
you couldn’t.

but really, i think,
after you saw
red wine, secondhand, on
your white marble floor,
after you saw
my undignified husk,
convulsing, sick and
teary-eyed, on the warm
wood in the bedroom

of your
white picket fence home
next door to soccer moms
who don’t know
you put a chain in my cunt
you put a cane on my ass
you put a knife on my skin.

i don’t think you could un-see it.
i don’t think i could un-feel it:

still, now, retroactively, mortified
that i did this all over again.

Lavacunt Erotica: Challenge Accepted

Hello, my friends. It has been a while since my last post, because I spent the first two weeks of August at the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit and then at Spacewitch Retreat. You know what sucks worse than con drop? Con crud and double con drop. **Finger guns.**

I finally got my shit together to write a guest post about my nonbinary identity and gender fluidity for my sweet friend Taryn, who runs the blog Ace in the Hole. But I wanted to post here before the end of August as well, so I figured I’d drop a short piece of erotica in for your reading pleasure.

Lately I’ve been writing erotica for the first time in years, because I’m trying to move away from my destructive habit of judging all my writing before I even finish a paragraph, then deleting it all. Examining my submissive and DD/little fantasies is helping me suspend that judgment.

Continue reading “Lavacunt Erotica: Challenge Accepted”

Subsurgence

Content warning: Some of this is sexually explicit.

There is a tiny part of myself I buried for years. I didn’t realize I was doing it… it’s kind of like when you forget what used to be your favorite song. You just don’t hear it for a while. You don’t think about it, or when you do, you can never go listen to it at the time, for whatever reason. You definitely have had other favorite songs since then. One day, you are standing in a grocery store, fondling the watermelons and bananas with your characteristic overzealous lechery, hoping to make strangers uncomfortable while you try to remember how to tell if melons are ripe. Your old favorite song comes on the speaker, and as you catch the familiar strains, you yell, “Oh shit y’all, this is my JAAAAAAM!” and then you’re dancing in the grocery store and they ask you to leave because you have made two children cry. (True story: one time I inadvertently made a kid cry when he accidentally saw my boobs. But that’s a tale for another time.)

Anyway, the song thing, that’s what happened when I had my subsurgence, which I define as a rushing resurgence of submissive feelings that you thought you weren’t into anymore.

This is different from the time my ability to be physically aroused was missing for over two years, which I liken more to when you heard a song on the radio a bunch in childhood, but can’t remember any identifying characteristics that would help you look up what the song was, so you just kind of muddle along wondering if you’re wrong about how it sounded, or if it’s your musical Candle Cove, until one day it comes on while you’re walking down the produce aisle, distracts you, and suddenly you are having feelings in your pelvis telling you that you just slammed your vulva into the corner of a fruit display. You’re like, “Oh, shit, it’s Carmen Songdiego!” You couldn’t remember the song until now, you just knew it existed somewhere out there, probably.

The subsurgence is actually weirder than the returning arousal. The arousal induces bittersweet thankfulness. The subsurgence is weird because I thought those desires were shelved, collecting dust, never to be touched again, until something funny happened.

Funny things happen sometimes in the information age. Like when you friend somebody on Facebook and discover they’re friends with someone you know from another country that doesn’t run in any social circles you both share. Or you and your best friend or partner message one another from totally different places about the same thing at the same time, totally unprompted. Or you say you’re romantically monogamous, hate country music, you’ll never do long distance or date cis men again, and then like 20 days after you meet a cis dude who lives in New Zealand, the realization sinks in that you’re in bed listening to country songs that remind you he’s your boyfriend.

Anyway, this particular funny thing that happened was that I met said boyfriend, whom I’ll call Root, for the sake of some vague semblance of privacy on the blog. Root not only unshelved and uncorked the bottle of my submission, but took the time to shake it up so that everything that had settled at the bottom mixed back in. Suddenly, combined with my bodily arousal being available to me again, the discussion of submission sent a churning flow of molten lava coursing through my pelvis. I’ve grown a greater appreciation of domination over the past decade, but the arousal from submission remains unlike anything I’ve ever felt.

Photo of Sugarcunt in a glittery turquoise silicone ball gag. They are looking up at the camera with brows raised and hazel eyes wide with anticipation.Suddenly, I wanted to be a fucktoy again. I was finally back to feeling arousal at the idea of having my hair pulled, my ass slapped, and being verbally put in my place. To be conquered and subjugated. To be teased until I said the filthiest, most desperate things. To worship reverently, to have no secrets or experiences of my own because I’m being mind-controlled through the use of pleasure, temptation, and an extremely persuasive degree of dominance. To be exhibited, mildly humiliated, and be driven further and further into the maelstrom of my desires, fueled only by the throbbing need consuming my entire body. To be forced to come until I cried and begged to stop. No more words. No more thoughts. Just my entire being dissolving into screams of agonizing ecstasy.

My entire life was almost entirely devoid of dominants, except for a very short-lived online play partner and a long distance girlfriend I had tons of phonesex with. It has been a decade of having to always ask people for spankings if I ever want one, or having to tell someone that I like being called a slut, then hearing them say it, but not feel completely comfortable with it. A sub, sub-heavy switch, or vanilla person topping me just to be accommodating results in a level of uncertainty and general lack of enjoyment that bleeds through the scene, for me. I become self-conscious while I’m trying to submit in that circumstance. I do not get submissive arousal from someone doing something they don’t enjoy just to serve me. So I started thinking I just wasn’t into subbing anymore… but then I met Root.

Turns out, when I finally connect with someone who not only likes, but wants, to be dominant, they rattle my cage, and a spark ignites. Is it the flame of self-defense? Or is it something more primal, fueled by an organic, effortless chemistry? I try to resist as the flames engulf me, but they inevitably consume me. I succumb to the fire of his deepening voice, his rhetorical questions, and his deeply erotic threats. I die and rise from the ashes: a malleable, fresh, tabula rasa ready for his will to be writ large across my surface.

That’s what subsurgence feels like.

What I Want out of Showtime’s “Submission”

Showtime teased and intrigued many of us with its trailer for Submission, which airs tomorrow (May 12th). Even people I know who aren’t as into kink have expressed interest in it, which makes sense to me… after all, it’s about sex, and plenty of folks are probably kind of open to different kinds of sex acts that they have no desire to practice in real life. That’s the beauty of fantasy. I think a lot of vanilla people are going to watch Submission unless they outright hate kink/BDSM or find it triggering.

I’m definitely going to watch it. I want to see what it’s like. How will it shape up compared to the well-loved (and totally shitty, in my opinion) 50 Shades of Grey? Will it portray people practicing Risk-Aware Consensual Kink? Will there be negotiation? How heavy will the bondage and impact play be? What will the characters be like?

It’s so hard to get what I want from mainstream portrayals of BDSM. People are naturally complex. Some people come to the BDSM and kink community after trauma has happened and use it to work through/past those experiences and the marks they’ve left, and it’s unrealistic to pretend that everyone goes into a scene centered and emotionless. Trauma can play into a person’s kinky/sex life in a huge way, and that may or may not result in unethical or unsavory behavior. I feel like we should be able to have complex characters and explore their stories, and I feel like we should see them make mistakes, but we shouldn’t pretend that a troubled past is to blame for mistakes and shittiness. Some people are just shitty.

I want to see characters who may be flawed, but who learn from their experiences. But mainstream media so often does a disservice to the complexity of human beings in minority demographics, so those of us who see behind the BDSM stereotypes revile Christian Grey, and those of us who don’t understand abusive dynamics in relationships end up celebrating Christian Grey: a controlling, jealous, abusive asshole who hides behind a dominant persona because his mom didn’t love him enough or whatever. So many 50 Shades fans think Christian’s possessiveness is “romantic,” and that his rough childhood is what drew him to “sexual deviance,” and that it validates “why he is that way.”

I do not want to see a Christian Grey in Submission.

Here’s what I want to see in Submission: I want to see someone who didn’t come to BDSM solely because of a “fucked-up” past. I want to see someone who respects boundaries and doesn’t feel compelled to track their submissive’s every movement. I want to see a submissive enthusiastically explore what kink has to offer. Hell, maybe the submissive should be the one with more experience – that would certainly change the typical BDSM narrative dynamic. Real life BDSM isn’t The Story of O over and over again.

I don’t know what the psychological dynamics will be like, but what I’m seeing in the trailer is a cast that appears to be composed of white, skinny cisgender people. I want more than that! I would lap up a show with a diverse cast – people of color, people with disabilities, trans and nonbinary people, people with bodies bigger than size 4, 8, or even 12. I want to see a show where characters talk about power dynamics in the context of American racism, where handicapped-accessible dungeons exist, where gender is disregarded or actively fucked, and where fat bodies are celebrated.

I’m not under the illusion that I’ll get this from Submission, but I think an inclusive series or film with humanized BDSM that is deliberate, careful, and powerful would have a huge impact. Somebody get on that because it will make a difference for a whole lot of people. In the meantime, we’re seeing representation in erotica, and I’m thankful for authors like Xan West, who sees us – the minorities – and gives us a voice. If you’re interested in heavy, kinky, well-written erotica, you can check out my review for West’s recent story collection titled Show Yourself to Me, and if you’re into the sound of that then you should absolutely buy it to support West’s work.

Sex & Mischief Flogger and Collar from Sportsheets

I’m delighted to announce that I’ve begun a review relationship with Sportsheets, because there’s nothing that motivates me to get back into the bedroom more than godawfully kinky shenanigans. This month they sent me the Sex & Mischief Red Leash & Collar set and the Sex & Mischief Red & Black Striped Flogger.

CollarA black and white photo of a woman posing in a collar with the leash in her mouth

I was disappointed by the collar because it didn’t fit my neck. It fit my husband’s neck, but there was no way it was getting around mine. Strangely, even though Sportsheets provides the length of the leash in their product listing, they don’t say anything about the length of the collar. I guess that a long leash is more important than a collar that fits…? I don’t know, come on Sportsheets, fix that shit. Like the last collar I tried, this collar is pretty tall to keep your head up and restrict your movement. (Maybe it wouldn’t for people with longer necks?)

The product itself isn’t bad, it’s kind of plush, which is a step above the last collar I tried. In fact, I’d say that overall this collar gives the sense of being a little better-quality than Toyjoy collar from my last post. Sportsheet’s collar is thicker, more flexible, and it looks nicer in the front.

The collar fastens with studs that work like buttons. It’s weird, but not entirely unmanageable. The fastening method definitely looks better than your standard buckle that you find on most collars, because it’s not clunky at all… in fact, it’s kind of stylish. The biggest problem with the stud-buttons is that they may be harder to fasten or unfasten for people who have trouble executing fine motor skills with their hands.

Sex & Mischief Red and Black Collar with leash

Ruling on the collar: If you’ve got a neck on the thinner side of average, this collar should fit you. I can’t speak for how it feels on the neck, so I can’t give you any information about extended wear. It’s not the worst collar I’ve ever owned, but it’s also not the best. The best was an $80+ fur-lined collar made of real leather, and is an entirely different beast than anything you’ll find from the Sex & Mischief line. Sportsheets’ aim with the Sex & Mischief line seems to be bringing affordable kink into the bedroom with prices that are non-threatening to beginners in the BDSM scene. The materials don’t feel quite as cheap as you’d expect a $12 collar to, and the red color is nice. You’re paying pretty much entirely for the collar, because the leash is the equivalent of a $1 strip of nylon (I think it’s nylon?) that you can get as a dog leash from a dollar store.

FloggerA black and white photo of a woman posing with the Sex & Mischief flogger in her mouth

We had a lot of fun with the flogger. It’s faux leather, and the red and black color scheme is nice. As much as I would love to have a cute pink flogger, the red and black appeals to the classic goth part of me and it looks awesome in my bedroom, because we have red walls.

It’s a 32-inch flogger, so you have to be careful not to flog yourself in the back when you’re rearing back to hit your partner. Or maybe you’ll do that on purpose, if you’re into pain too. It’s up to you. Or maybe I’m handling the long flogger the wrong way and there’s some secret to not flogging yourself in the back that I have yet to discover. I am by no means an expert. Learning to use a flogger properly has been an adventure and I’m still practicing. The finer points of maneuvering a long flogger have escaped me, so most of my strikes are still kind of half-assed, leading my husband to prompt me with lines like, “You swish and flick it, it’s levio-SAH not levio-suhhhh!” and, “Now hit me like I’ve been bad! Hit me like I took away all of your sex toys!”

Sidenote: It’s really hard to flog someone when you’re laughing too hard to stand up straight.

Anyway, the Sex & Mischief flogger hurts so good on the receiving end. It’s mostly a sting-y sort of flogger, I don’t feel like the materials and length are right to get a very thuddy flogging out of it. It’s definitely the most effective flogger in my collection; I have three, and the other two are short.

Long faux-leather flogger with red and black handle

Ruling on the flogger: I like it a lot. I don’t have much to compare it to, but if you’re just getting into being flogged, I think it’s a very nice toy to start with. It’s only $14 in the Sportsheets shop, so it won’t break the bank if you don’t like it. Neither of us flogged the other person hard or long enough to leave distinct marks on the skin, so I can’t give you much input on how those will look. I encourage you to try to discover that on your own. You can do anything you put your mind to. Go forth and beat the shit out of a consenting partner.

Thank you, Sportsheets, for providing me with these toys in exchange for an honest review!

$40 Bondage for Beginners? Toyjoy Amazing Bondage Sex Toy Kit

I like to review toy kits because they have a lot to offer people who are new to the scene. Bondage kits carry a few different things, and that allows you to get the basic concept of their use down before you go and spend $80 on a hand-knotted leather flogger. Generally kits don’t bring anything too exquisite to the table in terms of quality, but they do allow you the opportunity to see what you like. With that in mind, when Bondage Bunnies DMed me offering me an opportunity to review one of the products they carried, I chose the Toyjoy Amazing Bondage Sex Toy Kit because it appeared to have the most options, and at £27 (roughly $40 USD) it seemed like a pretty affordable way to sample some offerings from BDSM-land.

Toyjoy bondage kit with flogger, wrist cuffs, ball gag, nipple clamps, collar, leash, blindfold, and rope.

Collar, Cuffs, and Leash

The collar isn’t very long – it doesn’t fit around my neck enough to clasp without being pulled very tightly. It fits my husband just fine, though. It would really be convenient if Bondage Bunnies had listed the length of the collar in the product description. I haven’t measured my neck, but if a product description told me that a collar was a certain length I would make it a point to do that before I spent money on the product.

The collar is also very tall, which isn’t great for people with short necks (like me), but I recognize that tall collars do have a purpose – forcing the wearer to look up, keep their neck straight, and usually look straight ahead. It’s just not ideal for extended wear, and personally I hate having my head movement restricted like that. I’m more of a 24/7 collar sort of person.

The leash is a leather-look leash. It functions. Not sure what else to say about a leash – in a $40 kit no one expects a diamond-studded leash. I haven’t completely stress tested it, so I’m not sure how hard you have to pull on it to break it.

The wrist cuffs have a decent amount of length to them. They fit okay around my wrists, which are somewhat thick. They come with D-rings and some little clasps that allow you to hook the cuffs together. They’re not the most comfortable cuffs I’ve ever worn, but as far as starter cuffs go, you could probably do worse. They at least have the benefit of being relatively sturdy.

The material of the collar and cuffs is the same. It’s obviously not real leather, but there’s not really any information about what it actually is. It feels like plastic and is supposed to be easy to clean by just wiping it down when you’re done.

Gag

The ball gag is also plastic, and has breathing holes in it, which is great. My first ball gag did not have breathing holes, and while I find the sight of a solid rubber ball to be more aesthetically pleasing, a ball with holes is safer, ensuring that your partner can easily breathe through their mouth. You just have to ignore the fact that it looks like you’ve crammed a wiffle ball into their piehole.

I also noticed that unlike my rubber ball gag, this ball felt quite large. Uncomfortably large, in fact. I can fit my fist in my mouth, but wearing this gag for just a few minutes made my jaw ache. Depending on the kind of bondage you’re into, this is either a good thing or a bad thing. If you prefer an underlying sense of discomfort because you feel that drives the scene, then this is great for you. If you want your submissive to be comfortable (what kind of hippie nonsense is that?) then this gag isn’t ideal unless they have a pretty big mouth.

Nipple Clamps

The nipple clamps were kind of hard to review, because my nipples are pierced, and it’s hard to wear them. They’re rubber-tipped tweezer clamps and I don’t know if y’all know this, but when you have a barbell through your nipple, putting a clamp on it is just about impossible. I don’t have enough nipple to clamp the tissue in front of the barbell but if I clamp behind the barbell it feels like it’s going to squeeze the jewelry out. With that in mind, I can’t give you a good sense of what the clamps are like. They come with little purple bells, though, so if you’re into that…

Blindfold

Not much to say about the blindfold. It blocks light as decently as most other blindfolds in a similar style. It’s not entirely cloth, so it isn’t particularly flexible.

Rope

The rope that the kit comes with seems decent, but I’m not a rope connoisseur so I don’t know what it’s made out of or how it compares to high-quality rope. It hasn’t come apart on me yet, so I count that as a relative success. It’s black and not scratchy. I’m also not entirely sure how long it is in inches, but there’s definitely enough of it to do some basic wrist/ankle binding.

Flogger

And finally the little flogger. It’s not a terrible piece, but I wouldn’t say it’s something to write home about. I think that shorter floggers like this are a lot easier to use when you’re learning how to hit with a flogger, because the ones with longer tails are more unwieldy. The quality was passable – it didn’t fall apart, but I’m not awed by the materials. The strips are lightweight. It’s a little sting-y at best and provides a bit of a thump since it’s shorter, but the sensations aren’t overwhelming. I don’t feel like the tails are solid enough to induce a severe sting. If you’re a bondage beginner (the target demographic for this kit, in my mind) then it’s worth trying if you don’t know what kind of flogging pain you prefer. Just know that flogging can feel different depending on how a flogger is made, so if you don’t like this one, you might like a different kind.

Unnecessary Decoration

This kit also comes with a small army of fake rose petals, which I had to dig through to get out all the products and later found lying all over my living room because the box wasn’t sealed completely and came apart when it fell off the couch. I suggest you take out all the pieces of the kit that you want and trash the fake petals immediately unless something about sad red fabric scraps turns your partner on. I did not find cleaning them up to be a sensual experience (0 out of 10 stars) and only recommend it if you’re into domestic servitude.

Conclusion

All in all, the quality was about what I expected. I didn’t think I was going to get supple leather cuffs lined with luxurious fur at that price point. The kit is pretty utilitarian, although it’s not ugly by any stretch. I really loved the look of the collar and was very intrigued by the fastening mechanism, but I was so disappointed that it didn’t fit me without choking me out. So obviously the collar is no bueno if you’re fat, but the cuffs did fit my wrists, so some of us living large can probably enjoy that aspect of the kit.

It you (or your partner[s]) have thin necks that the collar will fit around and you’re looking to dip a toe into the world of bondage but don’t want to commit a lot of money to individual items of varying quality, then I would recommend this kit. If you buy it and find that you like bondage, then you’ll have a small variety of items to use while you build your toy collection. If you don’t like it, you only spent $40 to try out several bondage staples and won’t feel bad about wasting a lot of money. I wouldn’t recommend it if you already have most of the items in the kit or you have particularly discerning tastes about the quality of your toys.

If you’re interested, you can get the Toyjoy Amazing Bondage Sex Toy Kit from Bondage Bunnies! They’re located in the UK, but they take USD and ship to the U.S. as well! Thanks, Bunnies, for sending me this kit in exchange for an honest review!

Show Yourself to Me by Xan West

I don’t read a lot of erotica anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I like erotica okay. I’m going to be reviewing a couple erotic novels in the near future. I can masturbate to the written word. But for the most part, erotica usually feels like it’s missing something for me. I can get on Literotica and read some short stories, but they always seem to lack body, depth, characterization, and passion. With that deficit in mind I was thrilled when I started reading Xan West’s Show Yourself to Me.


Book cover for Show Yourself to MeShow Yourself to Me
is a book of queer kink erotica that goes above and beyond what I’ve been conditioned to expect from erotica. I agreed to review it because I’ve read some of West’s blog posts about writing diverse characters in erotic stories, so I expected inclusivity, but nothing could have prepared me for this book, because it is so damn good.

West’s characters are gritty and empowered – they fill up the page, and feel real on a visceral level. Over the course of just a few pages I can go from being introduced to a new character to feeling like I actually know them. I know this seems like a strange thing to say – after all, when you’re reading a novel it can take the span of the entire book for that level of characterization to occur – but West’s descriptions are rich, and they really give me a sense of what makes each character tick.

The scenes are beautiful, and many of the stories talk about BDSM as more than just play, addressing the transformative aspects of it as well. BDSM is a way that many people explore their limits and identities, work through trauma, and strive to become better, and West’s stories demonstrate this. The stories are sexy and engaging, and they don’t feel detached or clinical at all. They are dark (but not in a morbid way) and heavy, and I love that.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with light ‘n fluffy BDSM or tales that only focus on the outer sensations, but that just isn’t what Show Yourself to Me is. The stories are deep and the play is intense. Heavy sadism, rough body play, and edge play are regularly featured throughout the book.

West does the reader the courtesy of including a content guide section after the table of contents, so the reader has forewarning of which stories include potential triggers such as trauma, knife play, humiliation, or consensual nonconsent. If you find that certain types of play may trigger you or simply aren’t to your taste, I urge you to use the content guide. On the other hand, if you’re specifically in the mood to read about blood play, the content guide will tell you which stories are up your alley.

It would be remiss of me not to mention the diversity in writing. West’s writing introduces you to disabled, fat, and transgender people. There are people of color (PoC) in the stories, and they acknowledge some of the baggage that surrounds PoC and BDSM play. Part of what makes the characters feel so real is that acknowledgement of the different people who participate in BDSM: people of different ethnicities, people of a larger size, people with canes and scooters, people using neutral pronouns, people who embrace stone sexuality. Instead of being as vague as possible, West specifically mentions the things that make characters part of minority groups so you don’t automatically assume everyone is white, cis, able-bodied, and thin… and that is beautiful.

I also learned a lot about different areas of kink from this book. Until I read this book I had never been exposed to certain BDSM cultures and fetishes like leather, Daddy/boy, or rough body play. Reading about these subcultures and kinks was fascinating, and really gave me insight into the appeal of some things that I’d never considered before. If you like these things, then this book is definitely for you, but if you’ve never given them any thought and would like to then this book is a great place to start thinking.

My favorite stories were The Tender Sweet Young Thing (which you can read here!), Falling For Essex, How He Likes It, Facing the Dark (you can read Xan’s backstory for it here), and Ready. You can view the Table of Contents for Show Yourself to Me and read little excerpts from the stories in this post on Xan’s blog.

I highly recommend Show Yourself to Me for kinky queers that love the written word. You can get eBook or print copies from Go Deeper Press and you can buy the book on Amazon. You can read more thoughts from Xan West at https://xanwest.wordpress.com/.

Book Description:

In Show Yourself to Me: Queer Kink Erotica, Xan West introduces us to pretty boys and nervous boys, vulnerable tops and dominant sadists, good girls and fierce girls and scared little girls, mean Daddies and loving Daddies and Daddies that are terrifying in delicious ways.

Submissive queers go to alleys to suck cock, get bent over the bathroom sink by a handsome stranger, choose to face their fears, have their Daddy orchestrate a gang bang in the park, and get their dream gender-play scene—tied to a sling in an accessible dungeon.

Dominants find hope and take risks, fall hard and push edges, get fucked and devour the fear and tears that their sadist hearts desire.

Within these 24 stories, you will meet queers who build community together, who are careful about how they play with power, who care deeply about consent. You will meet trans and genderqueer folks who are hot for each other, who mentor each other, who do the kind of gender play that is only possible with other trans and genderqueer folks.

This is Show Yourself to Me. Get ready for a very wild ride.

Blog Tour Stops:

Kinky Fuckery 101: What Does BDSM Stand For?

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I wrote several pieces about kink approximately two years ago when I was writing for GetLusty, but it occurred to me recently that I don’t think I’ve ever really addressed kink for beginners here on my blog. I realize that some of my readers are vanilla, some are seasoned BDSM practitioners, and some of you may consider yourself kink-curious.

If you’re kink-curious you might have thought about light bondage in the past, or may have a fantasy that revolves around servitude. Maybe you have sexy dreams where you boss people around and punish them for misbehavior. Maybe you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey (god help you) and your interest was piqued. To the kink-curious among you: The Kinky Fuckery series is dedicated to you.

Previous lessons:

  1. Models of Consent

Defining BDSM

Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission, Sadism/Masochism

Leather Neck Wrist Restraint from Stockroom.comBondage

Bondage is the practice of tying or restraining a partner for the purpose of pleasure or aesthetic sensibilities. From the silk tie bondage that you’ll read about in Cosmo or 50 Shades of Grey to metal cuffs linked to steel spreader bars, playing with restraints can be a satisfying and arousing experience for all parties involved. Sometimes you will be tied up to show your submission to another, or will be chained to something so that you can be punished accordingly. Some people just like the feeling of being restrained. Others enjoy using things like rope and bondage tape for aesthetic purposes, as is the case in kinbaku (also known as shibari). Don’t worry, you’re going to learn a lot more about bondage as we go through this series… but you’re not going to learn it now.

Discipline

Discipline is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Typically this goes hand in hand with domination and submission – you’ll normally see a submissive being disciplined for “undesirable” behavior. I put undesirable quotes because some of us (particularly brats like me) may act up because we want the punishment, particularly if it’s corporal punishment.

Domination/Submission

Domination and submission are roles in a consensual power exchange. The dominant partner typically takes charge and directs the sexual encounter. The submissive partner obeys the dominant’s commands. The submissive partner may endure pain, discipline, or simply be bossed around. The submissive may worship or serve the dominant in some way. There is some wiggle room in the roles I’ve described – for example some submissives are resistant, and some dominants are loving and gentle. There are a wide variety of D/s dynamics that I will address in the future.

Sadomasochism

Sadomasochism refers to sexual pleasure that revolves around pain in a consensual setting. Sadism – enjoyment of inflicting physical or emotional pain – is named for the Marquis de Sade, a French aristocrat and noted libertine who spent a great deal of time writing particularly filthy erotic books in prison.

[Trigger warning: this paragraph briefly mentions sexual molestation, sexual violence, and some pretty fucked-up regular violence, a great deal of it directed toward children.]


De Sade’s most notable work is probably The 120 Days of Sodom, a book I read as a teenager (thanks, Internet!) and don’t recommend. You have to understand that I can be sex-positive and sex-critical, and I definitely have some harsh criticisms of 120 Days of Sodom. I’m not condemning the fart-in-the-mouth stuff, the urolagnia and scat… all of that is fine. Those things may be hard reds for me, but it’s whatever floated de Sade’s boat, and plenty of people still get off on that. No. My complaints are with the kidnapping of children and raping them, the incest and various forms of rape, the involuntary mutilation of people, and the snuff bits about people skinning children and torturing girls to death. I’m critical of the scary stuff that absolutely deserves to be condemned. That’s not what BDSM is about.


[Trigger over.]

Venus in Furs coverWhen we celebrate sadism in BDSM culture, we are NOT revering de Sade’s tendencies toward rape and murder. BDSM involves adults giving informed consent to participate in activities that are pleasurable for all parties involved. Sadism just happens to get its name from a man who liked inflicting particularly fucked-up levels of pain on people. Masochism’s etymological origins are considerably less offensive.

Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, masochism’s namesake, most famously penned Venus in Furs, another book I checked off of my reading list years ago. While I wouldn’t call the book perfect it at least has a distinct lack of murderporn (as far as I can remember), and after reading de Sade’s work that is literally all it takes for historical erotica to earn two thumbs up from me. A quick spoiler-free synopsis: The main character of Venus in Furs is completely enamored of a woman and he begs to be her slave. She eventually complies and degrades him in the ways he asks. Other things happen, the book ends, a psychiatrist names the fetishization of enduring pain after the book’s author, and Bob’s your uncle.

 

I realize that these explanations are all very brief, but there are generally a lot of elements involved in the various roles and activities covered under the BDSM umbrella, and I will touch on those in future posts. I’m trying to be thorough, but it’s going to take a lot of time, and I’m bound to miss something along the way. In any event, the next Kinky Fuckery 101 post will be about aftercare!

If you have any questions, thoughts, or interesting factoids to share about BDSM’s roles and the etymological origins of the terms encompassed by BDSM, by all means feel free to share them in the comments below!

Kinky Fuckery 101: Models of Consent

Sugarcunt's Kinky Fuckery Banner

I wrote several pieces about kink approximately two years ago when I was writing for GetLusty, but it occurred to me recently that I don’t think I’ve ever really addressed kink for beginners here on my blog. I realize that some of my readers are vanilla, some are seasoned BDSM practitioners, and some of you may consider yourself kink-curious.

If you’re kink-curious you might have thought about light bondage in the past, or may have a fantasy that revolves around servitude. Maybe you have sexy dreams where you boss people around and punish them for misbehavior. Maybe you’ve read 50 Shades of Grey (god help you) and your interest was piqued. To the kink-curious among you: The Kinky Fuckery series is dedicated to you.

Models of Consent

Fetish Fantasy Position Master with Cuffs
The Fetish Fantasy Position Master with Cuffs at Shevibe

Before I start talking about the glory of being tied down and tormented, I want to talk first about the importance of consent. Since you don’t live in a bubble I hope you are familiar with the idea of sexual consent by now, and while consent can be very complex the bottom line is as simple as this: “No” means no. “Ouch” probably means no. “Don’t” means no. “Stop” means no.

The reason I feel like it’s so important to recap basic rules of consent is that when you’re in an agreed-upon BDSM scene, “no,” “ouch,” and “don’t,” and sometimes “stop” may not always explicitly mean no. Maybe you said “no” because you’re playing the reluctant submissive who wants to be coerced. Maybe you happily bent over for a flogging because you like the pain but you said “ouch” because… duh, it hurts, but you like that.

Toggling Consent

Consent is ongoing. All participants in sexual activity have the right to revoke consent at any time, and once consent is revoked the activity stops. In BDSM your safeword is generally your consent toggle. If you’re gagged, always hold something in your hand, ideally something that will make noise (like keys), that you can drop if you hit the safeword point. The minute you say or drop your safeword you are revoking your consent. You are telling your partner to stop, that you are either done with that particular activity or that you need to talk to them to re-negotiate how you two are doing it. More on that later.

Informed Consent

Before you even get to the point where you’ll need a safeword, you and your partner need to establish informed consent. Informed consent means that you know exactly what you’re agreeing to. Talk about everything that everyone involved wants to do during this scene and what your limits are. Be sure that you bring up things that may trigger you so your partner can avoid them. Make sure that if you’re using acronyms when negotiating that all partners know what they stand for. You don’t want your partner to agree to a WAM scene online and then be shocked when you start pelting them with pudding. The idea of informed consent is that all parties understand what will be done and what those activities entail.

SSC and RACK

Ball Gag and Blindfold Harness
Ball Gag and Blindfold Harness from Stockroom.com

SSC stands for “Safe, Sane, and Consensual,” a commonly-known tenet among BDSM practitioners that is pretty straightforward: all partners must be of sound mind and consensually agree to participate safely in an activity. The concept of SSC is good, but the current popular interpretation is kind of iffy.

The first problem with SSC is that the word “sane” is pretty ableist. Plenty of us in the BDSM world have mental disorders that may not classify us as “sane,” but we are still capable of consent and that shouldn’t disqualify us from playing. The word makes some of us feel alienated. It’s also very subjective – the activities that one player might consider “sane” may differ wildly from another player, and I think that leaves a lot of room for people to get judge-y. One could argue that wanting to be beaten or degraded in the first place probably isn’t “sane”. What I find that most people interpret “sane” to mean is that participants shouldn’t be under the influence of drugs or alcohol, and I agree with that.

It’s easy to get carried away or make regretful decisions when you’re under the influence, and drugs and alcohol may dampen your pain receptors, which might seem like a good idea if you’re looking to get beaten, but can easily work against you. If you can’t feel what’s being done to you, you risk severe injury. It’s the same reason that you shouldn’t use numbing lubricants.

The second problem is that many kinky people don’t like “safe” activities. While “safe” was initially coined to indicate ethical play, many people have begun to associate the word “safe” with “risk-free.” That’s not really feasible for BDSM anyway because most S/M activities are never 100% guaranteed to be safe, much like anything else in life. The popularity of the “risk-free” idea puts a good portion of kinky people out on their asses, because many of us enjoy edge play, which is play that generally straddles the line of SSC. Edge play is a term that is somewhat subjective, but encompasses activities that have the potential to be pretty dangerous: asphyxiation, knife play, gun play, fire play, cutting, branding, needle play, and blood play.

Many people greatly prefer the acronym RACK: “Risk-Aware Consensual Kink.” In addition to not containing any loaded, subjective, or ableist terminology, it acknowledges that all activities come with risk and nothing is completely safe. Within the RACK framework the spectrum of activity does not go from safe to unsafe – instead, it goes from safer activities to less safe activities.

Safewords and Stoplights

My safeword is “bananaphone.” Find a word that will probably never come up in the context of your play and designate it as your safeword. Safewords are a vital part of BDSM and are all too often overlooked by people who have no idea what they’re doing.

As I stated earlier, your safeword is a consent toggle. If you only designate one safeword that means no then that word means “stop this right now.” It doesn’t always mean that the scene has to end for good, but the activity occurring needs to stop. Maybe your ass is too tender to take more spankings. Maybe you can’t emotionally handle being called a cumdumpster any more tonight. Maybe something triggered you and EVERYTHING needs to stop. Whatever the reason for pausing or stopping, always have a safeword to ensure that you can do it. Do not ever fear using your safeword, because it’s there to protect you.

Some people say they don’t want safewords because they are afraid they’ll use them too soon, or because they prefer to take on the role of slave and desire the feeling of total powerlessness to fulfill their fantasies. All I can do is tell you that you need one, no matter who you are. If you’re afraid of using your safeword too soon, why? If you think it’s time to use your safeword then that’s when you need to use it. It’s not like saying your safeword has to kill the scene. It can always start back up. If you’re interested in serving as a slave, would you still be content doing everything your master said if they started disregarding your hard limits? What if they told you that you’d never be disciplined again? Would you still want to play? Safewords are intended to interrupt the fantasy, however briefly, because they’re telling your partner that reality needs attention.

If you prefer a method of safewording that is short and to the point, try the stoplight system. “Red” works the same way a regular safeword does; it’s a full stop. “Yellow” indicates that you might need to discuss some things, may need something to change, or may be reaching your limit. And obviously “green” is GO, GO, GO!

KinkLab Bedspread Under-Bed Bondage Straps
KinkLab Bedspread Under-Bed Bondage Straps at Stockroom.com

Checking In

As a bottom, you need to be proactive about voicing your limits, and as a top you need to be proactive about checking in with your bottom. If you’ve been whipping your masochist a little while it’s okay to check in with them, and you don’t even have to break character to do it. If your submissive is being very quiet, check in with them to make sure they haven’t fallen deep into subspace. You want to make sure that your partner continues to consent to what you’re doing throughout the scene, because you absolutely don’t want to hurt someone more than they want to be hurt. You can do this as simply as saying, “How are you doing?” It’s the decent thing to do, and while you may not want to be a nice top, surely you want to be a decent one.

Got something to say about consent? Insight into safewords? Share with us! Leave a comment below so we can learn more.