to the guy
who made me melt by
catching my eyes and
with an affectionate grin
while his cock was in my throat:
when i danced and
shit talked your router while i
adjusted your wifi settings
you stuck your head in from
the balcony, and, with
understated gusto, said,
“i like you.”
the time you spent
plying my nipples with fingertips
while I stroked your cock
surprised me with how much
i derived from
i love the way you deftly
wind my ponytail around your hand
before you pull my hair.
i savored the way
it made my
like electrical static
as you controlled my head that way
and sucked my lower lip ’til
and i love that,
while you didn’t use dominant words,
you still expressed it
with firm, decisive touch,
guiding me to what you wanted,
and never pushing back
if i had to pull away.
the shaft of fire
between my lips
as you watched.
trent reznor singing,
“there is no fucking you
there is only me,”
as I pumped my
over every vein.
i rode you
until my knees protested,
twisting and writhing
as you squeezed my tits,
making my cunt clench around you,
until there was no you
there was no me
there was only fucking you
and I could live in that moment
One day I will write a long post about my move and my new life. I will not be doing that today.
This evening I did a video interview with Nicholas Tanek of Your Kinky Friends, so check it out here! We discussed gender, kink, my most embarrassing sex story (CW for vomit), my favorite toys, sex blogging (with some advice for new bloggers!), and some delicious word association. Also, if you enjoy the work of everyone taking part in YKF, give them a follow on Twitter: @FriendsKinky
The other thing I’ll leave you with is the start of a new series: Poems I’ll Never Send My Tinder Dates.
CW: this is sexually explicit.
to the guy who kissed
like he wanted to crawl inside me:
i want you inside me too.
i want to relive
the way you seized me
through my anticapitalist melody,
and kissed me like
you couldn’t resist me,
everything you’re doing is
(so good) on the mouth,
making heat flood every
inch of me
south of the
waist, where your hands wander
up my skirt again.
i want to pull back
you’ll spread your legs
to let me in
to the warmest,
part of you,
I have a theory that we are entering the golden age of hookups. Technology has given us the means to find people to have sex with more easily than we ever could have in the past. Twenty five years ago, you went to bars or book clubs. You put out personal ads or bonded over BBS. In the year 2017, you can literally find strangers to have sex with using a phone. I’ve begun fleshing out this theory by examining a few of the pros and cons of hookup culture in 2017.
This shit is easy.
Pro: Oh. My. God. This is so easy! I can sign up for websites like sexwithnostrings.com/us/meet-and-fuck from my couch. I can browse Tinder when I’m in the car. I can use text messages to talk dirty to someone from the toilet, if I desire.
Con: Oh. My. God. Does nobody put any effort into this because it’s so easy? Apparently ease of use is a pass to do the absolute bare minimum to get laid. Which, like, that’s fine, you do you, and I’ll do me, but I wish that dating and hookup sites had an option for me to check saying that my potential matches had to at least demonstrate a little effort. Filling out a profile with words that actually tell me something about you is a good start.
The internet is a kinkster’s paradise.
Pro: You can meet some super fucking kinky people. The low-stakes nature of sites and apps during the Golden Age of Hookups means that people are so much more likely to be up-front about their kinks and desires. It’s way easier to ask somebody to drink your piss if you didn’t even have to change out of your pajamas to do it and you’ve got five other matches messaging you. I have way more luck finding people who will admit that they like erotic asphyxiation online than I’ve ever had finding them in person.
Con: You can also meet people who are super boring. Sometimes these people are also kinky, and maybe they’re just otherwise boring. Their interests don’t catch my eye (which is fine, I just don’t match with them) or they aren’t good conversationalists, or they’re bad at sexting.
I haven’t sexted a ton of people since joining Tinder – in fact, only one person has made the mistake of trying to sext me, thus far. It was a mistake because he was super bad at it, and he disqualified himself when he kept bringing up transgender people like they were fetish objects. (Admitting you’re nonbinary on Tinder apparently attracts a ton of chasers.) I don’t know if “you do all the work and I’ll tell you I like it” is standard sexting strategy for cis dudes on Tinder, or if this guy in particular was just really dull, but basically all he did was ask me questions about things I’ve done that he was clearly beating off to in between two word replies. For someone who talks openly about sex on the internet, these conversations are *not* masturbation material for me. This is boring, run of the mill stuff. Me telling him this was no more intimate than me tweeting about it, and I don’t masturbate to the stuff I tweet from Sugarcunt.
If I wanna jerk off thinking about the people I’ve had sex with in the past, I’ll do so without stopping to text some rando the story every few minutes. If someone tries sexting me and they’re bad at it, they’ve ruined their chances of meeting me in person. I’m turned off by boring, low-effort sexting. If you’re a shit sexter who can’t be bothered to say something that will turn me on, why would I want to see what you’re like in person? Exactly.
A wider net.
Pro: You’re not limited to people in your immediate local area. While the point of most hookup apps and sites is to meet and fuck, not everyone is looking to get together in person immediately, if at all. Some people are content to have distance hookups and relationships, and those are totally legitimate too! Not being limited to people in your town, state, or even your timezone can be a super amazing thing, especially if you live in a remote area where you don’t have a lot in common with the locals, like I used to. This allows you to find a relationship that you can fit into your schedule, too. You know what sucks about dating when you’re on the graveyard shift? Trying to get together with daywalkers. You know what you can do in the golden age of hookups? Date somebody in another timezone. You may not fuck together in person often, but I promise you, it is refreshing to find someone that wants to fuck you who is on a similar sleep schedule.
Con: Managing a relationship with a person in another timezone can be difficult, especially if you *aren’t* on the same wake/sleep schedule that they are. Long distance relationships (LDRs) aren’t for everyone, and while it’s awesome that LDRs have been greatly enhanced by modern technology, that time difference will foil even the best-laid plans sometimes. You have to honestly evaluate whether you can maintain a relationship in the face of those difficulties. If you can, it can be an amazing thing. If you can’t… well, set the allowed distance for your potential matches really low.
This golden age idea has been so fascinating for me, and it’s been on my mind a lot lately, especially thinking about how dating has changed so rapidly in the past few years. I’m going to explore this topic further in the upcoming months. If you have any thoughts about this topic that you’d like to share, I’d love to read them! Comment below, tweet me, or e-mail me at sugarcunt [at] sugarcuntwrites.com!
This post was sponsored, but all opinions and experiences shared are my own.
In 2015 my wife and I decided to experiment with non-monogamy. Through a series of comical and confounding miscommunications, we both labeled ourselves polyamorous and found ourselves back on OKCupid. If you’ve read any of my posts about online dating before, I’m sure you can anticipate how much I was dreading this. Putting yourself out there on any dating site for the first time can be intimidating when you don’t know what to expect, but once you DO know what to expect it’s intimidating for a different reason. Have you ever had a dog that freaks out whenever you tell them it’s time to go to the vet? My brain is that dog, and dating websites are the vet, except it’s debatable whether the vet will help me in any way.
Here’s something I didn’t count on: it was way harder to find a partner in my area on OKCupid as a married polyamorous person than as a single person. We weren’t unicorn-hunting, it was just super difficult to find non-monogamous people. Since we live in a rural town in the mountains of North Carolina, it’s also a lot harder to find queer and kinky folks in general, and your dating pool shrinks significantly if you’re only looking for non-monogamous people in those categories.
Another thing that sucked was that it also fostered a weird competitive undercurrent in our relationship. I don’t think either of us was consciously thinking in competitive terms, but my wife wasn’t getting as many messages as I was, and it seemed difficult for that not to discourage her. Whether we liked it or not, the mean parts of her brain compared our numbers. I knew this was because she was presenting male on a dating website.
If you appear female on a dating website, you’ll get a barrage of messages from horny dudes whether you’re married or not. They’re not usually polyamorous, they’re usually assholes who are just looking for no-strings-attached sex. (NSA sex isn’t why they’re assholes.) This actually ruins the chances for perfectly decent male-presenting humans, because this is a driving force that governs how we interact with messages and other people in general. When I considered myself monogamous, I would have been skeptical of a married man messaging me and saying he wanted to hook up or date, so I have a firsthand understanding of how wary someone might be when they get an OKCupid message from a married person.
When this happened, we didn’t know much about dating websites geared toward non-monogamous or kinky folks, like Swingtowns. In recent years more businesses like this are becoming publicly visible, and that’s a total relief. No longer will non-monogamous people have to spend hours straining monogamous people out of their dating pool!
We ended up adopting a different relationship structure a few months later, and part of what helped us make the decision to change it was how incredibly fucking stressful trying to meet people online was. There is a certain degree of time and effort involved in actively hunting for new partners that can be exhausting, especially when you’re fishing in the wrong pond. The other part of our decision was that we weren’t particularly romantically available to others, which wasn’t going to make meeting people any easier. Now I interpret us as being more monogam-ish than monogamous or polyamorous. This arrangement works for our relationship so much better than feeling like we have to commit to one label or the other and much more accurately describes the flexibility and intentions of our agreement.
If you’re discussing opening your relationship for the first time, consider talking more about what the experiences and flexibility you desire are before you try to label it. There is no one-size-fits-all style of non-monogamy – each relationship is like a snowflake: unique, complex, nuanced, and beautiful.
This post was sponsored, but all opinions and experiences shared are my own.
Ella Dawson’s post titled The Boner Backlash (subtitled: STOP TELLING ME YOU WOULD STILL FUCK ME) hit home with me in a very personal way, and I imagine that anyone who writes about sex can relate, particularly if they’re perceived as women.
People tend to get overly familiar when you write about sex, perform in sex, or work in the adult industry. To some degree this is fine, because many of us want to educate and are more than happy to discuss things to that end. There is a culture of sexual openness that I try to perpetuate as a sex blogger. I think we should be able to talk about sex openly, but there’s a big difference between discussing sex in a non-threatening way and telling someone you wanna stick your dick in them. There’s a difference between saying, “Tell me how that big dick feels when you slip it inside yourself,” and asking me how a particular dildo feels. There’s a difference between someone calling Tantus’ customer support line to learn more about how a particular toy works and calling customer support to nonconsensually talk dirty at the person on the other end of the line.
When a woman mentions sex in any way, creepy people (most often men – why is it always you, men?) lose their heads and assume that these women are welcoming all sexual discussion and advances.
As Ella says in her blog post:
Readers—male readers, let me be clear—often think they know exactly who I am after reading a few of my essays. They are usually wrong.
These men assume that they know us because we expose an intimate part of our lives, and they assume that they’re welcome to associate with us in overly familiar terms… terms that most of these guys (hopefully) know not to use on a first date, or even a third, yet they’ll tweet and e-mail us using those familiar terms without even knowing our names.
It’s like they think that by reading about our sexuality they’ve been transported into our bedrooms and we’re sitting around in lingerie, waiting. What they don’t realize is that if we’re sitting around in lingerie waiting for someone it is not them. They are STRANGERS to us. This overly familiar feeling is completely one-sided. If these men appeared in our bedrooms we would be terrified because they are uninvited strangers barging into our homes.
And don’t think that apologizing or claiming that you’re not a pervert when you try to barge into our home helps. After all, Ella’s reader that wrote to her assured her that he wasn’t a pervert:
“To put that all together, and also read about how much you enjoy sex without condoms physically-speaking, everything just points to what a wonderful, sexy, and confident woman you are. Honestly, I was just like “WOW, this girl is just so damn sexy..”, and I don’t mean it in a perverted way at all.”
Yes you do, you piece of shit. “WOW, this girl is just so damn sexy…” I really hate that this is supposed to be a compliment when it really just makes most of us feel pretty damn gross. I’ve heard this on Twitter, and I’ve heard it on Fetlife, and I’ve heard it OKCupid, and it really just makes me annoyed. Yes! I am sexy! And I don’t need some dude to tell me he thinks that. I don’t want to know when I’m desirable to some stranger, especially some cis man – sorry boys, but “Dick is abundant and low value.” Cis males are the key perpetrators of harassment like this and because of that I just have less tolerance for this shit from y’all.
I don’t need a stranger to tell me I’m sexy. I don’t need a stranger to make conversation with me just to get closer to me with the intention of getting in my pants. I don’t WANT those things! I’m so sick of a world where we pretend that men are doing women a service by getting all up in their grill and singing songs of how fuckable they are. It’s not a compliment – it’s an affront.
I’ve had people say they’d like to date and/or fuck me, and from certain people I have established relationships with it’s very flattering, but from the rest of you it’s a pesky buzzing noise like you’re some kind of fly circling my nethers. When in doubt use this handy rule of thumb: If I don’t start flirting with you, don’t try flirting with me.
Back to Ella’s letter from her “fan,” I also get this manipulative element from his message. Did you catch it? That sort of “I-have-low-self-esteem” thing, saying something like, “I don’t expect you to write back.” It’s like he’s trying to downplay the entitlement in his message. Trying to guilt-trip her into a response? As if the goal is for Ella to write back and say, “Of course I was going to write back since you sent me such a lovely letter! We’re soul mates after all, because you realize how wonderful I am!”
And it’s also just so awkward for everyone involved whenever a man tries to disguise his unwanted advances as hypotheticals: “if you did write back and one day we actually got to do ‘it’”. Do you know how this differs from the men that say, “When we fuck I’m going to do x, y, z to you?” It differs because the men who write in hypotheticals can shuffle backwards with their hands raised when we call them on their shit. “I was just saying if it ever happened! I didn’t mean it! It was hypothetical! I wasn’t being a creep!” Stop trying to cover it up. You were being a creep and we both know it.
There’s not a lot for me to say that Ella hasn’t already said in her own post, but let me just lay the bottom line out for you folks again: when we write about sex we are never doing it for you. We are not inviting you to tell us about your dick. We are not saying we will date or fuck you… we’re not even saying you’re a candidate! And the minute you approach us spewing this repulsive harassment that you’ve tried to disguise as a compliment, you’re permanently ruling yourself out as a candidate, because you are actively demonstrating that you feel entitled to us.
As Ella says:
I do not exist to arouse. Sometimes I write erotica, but that does not mean I am personally interested in your arousal. And I am a woman who writes about sex, but I am not a woman whose sexuality you are entitled to.
In early January I was approached by Erica Grigg about writing some posts for GetLusty For Couples, a website that focuses on five pillars that support an outstanding sexual relationship: communication, sexual technique, health, dates, and adventures. GetLusty offers articles on how to live a more passionate life, recommends merchants that cater to your sexual and romantic needs (and frequently offers discount codes for those merchants), and highlights events (currently only those based in Chicago) that focus on relationships and sex. GetLusty also runs regular giveaways. The most recent giveaways I’ve seen have been for Uberlube, and some porn, and they’re currently running a giveaway for a book of erotica. These giveaways are highlighted on their Facebook page, so they’re worth checking out.
I support GetLusty‘s mission (enhancing relationships), and I’m happy to write for them to help encourage and educate the site’s readers. While GetLusty is currently largely cis-and-hetero-normative/centric, I think it has a lot of potential for growth and possibly future inclusion, and some of the informative articles and ideas aren’t limited to use in heterosexual relationships.
To read articles on GetLusty, you’re required to sign up, either via Facebook or with an e-mail address. Sign up is free, and you’re encouraged to sign up with your partner. GetLusty has a points system that allows you to access more content as you gain more points, and you and your partner can pool your points together.
If you’re interested in reading my work for GetLusty, here are five of my most recent articles:
Kink Safety 101: What You Need to Know
Bondage 101: What You Need to Know
Fetish! Rubber 101
Phone Sex 101: Keep Your Partner Hanging on Every Word
An Erotic Night on the Town! 5 Kinky Date Ideas
Oh… and speaking of Facebook pages, have you liked mine yet?
Since I deactivated my OKCupid account, I have been contacted by considerably fewer ignorant dicks looking to score. However, I still have a personal Fetlife account, and that still nets me a couple messages from horny strangers every month or so.
Erica Grigg, one of the founders of GetLusty.com (which I write for, and which you should read) posted a Facebook status saying that she hated getting hit on by “stupid men who don’t read her profile.” Erica is married, and it’s pretty apparent that she’s monogamous. The man that sparked this status messaged her to say, “You look gorgeous… i will love to connect with you on here, get to know each other better and see where it goes from here.”
From the tone of her status, Erica sounded pretty annoyed. I can’t blame her. I’m annoyed every time I get a message like that. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve never bitten anyone’s head off for hitting on me, but heaven knows that I’ve wanted to whenever someone does it the wrong way. Let me assure you, there is a difference. Today you’re going to learn about the wrong way to hit on someone, and then I’m going to give you five easy ways to send a message that someone will want to respond to.
You don’t read their profile.
Who gets on a dating website and doesn’t read someone’s profile? Are you really that desperate? Are your standards really that low that you don’t care who you have sex with? Maybe there’s some strategy in playing the odds… after all, statistically, the more people you message, the more people you should get a response from, right? Well that’s not going to happen if you try to sow your oats in the wrong fields.
Reading someone’s profile has many benefits. For starters, reading a profile gives you an opportunity to determine whether you’ll be able to pretend to like them long enough to bone them. Or maybe you’ll realize that you actually want to get to know them. But it gives you something to talk about, and more importantly, it keeps you from making…
Messaging someone when it’s never going to happen.
This isn’t me having a defeatist attitude. This is a huge example of trying to sow your oats in the wrong fields. There are circumstances that absolutely preclude you hooking up with your target.
Is your target in a relationship and monogamous? Chances are that you’re wasting your time.
Are you a man messaging a lesbian? WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS A GOOD IDEA? Do you just look at someone’s sex and profile picture and start messaging? My ex’s OKCupid and Fetlife profiles both said lesbian, and yet the messages from men kept flooding in.
Just don’t do it. Unless you’re on a dating website for people looking to cheat on their monogamous partners, don’t message monogamous coupled people. Thinking about messaging that lesbian to see if she wants to suck your dick? Take your head and slam it vigorously against a wall, then see if that still seems like a good idea.
You send a one (or two, in some cases) line message… or you don’t send a message, and just send a picture instead.
There are plenty of ways to do this wrong, and there are almost never situations in which you’ll get a response when you do this.
Doing it wrong:
“Hi beautiful, would love to get together with you.” “Hi sexy, would love to connect and see where it goes.” Etc.
Why it’s wrong:
I’m sure that when you’re writing that message, it seems pretty harmless. But when I receive that message, I have a few different feelings all at once.
I feel like you’re using a word like “beautiful” or “sexy” to objectify me, assert dominance over me, and condescend to me. It doesn’t feel like a compliment, it feels like you’re two steps away from sitting me down and mansplaining something to me.
I feel like the compliment is artificial and is only there because you think that the only way to speak to a woman is by talking about her physical appearance.
If you have never seen me, then I am immediately angered by your assumption that I am attractive. It implies that you’re desperate and/or have no standards.
When you say something like, “See where it goes…” or, “See what happens…” I know where it’s going: nowhere. What you have implied to me is not that you want to get to know me as a person – you have implied that your only interest in me is the sex you think you’re going to get.
Doing it wrong:
“You are so sexy.”
Why it’s wrong:
You haven’t started a conversation with me at all. You have indicated that all you care about is my physical appearance.
Doing it wrong:
” l’ll be they guy you do butt drop and facesitting on…” or anything else sexually explicit
Why it’s wrong:
I actually got that message on Fetlife. I don’t even know what a butt drop is. It’s not the first explicit message I’ve received, and probably won’t be the last. You’ll have to excuse me if I don’t get moist the instant a stranger offers to choke me with his dick.
Doing it wrong:
Pictures of yourself naked or of your genitalia.
Why it’s wrong:
If I have to explain this for you, end your search now. You are clueless and you will die alone.
You don’t have a profile picture or any information in your profile.
Maybe you were just so eager to hook up that you forgot to upload a photo or write a few lines about yourself in your profile. Maybe you didn’t know what to say, or you weren’t satisfied with any of the photos you had. Refrain from messaging anyone until you have written a profile and put up a photo.
If you have a profile but no picture, then your blank user picture is a question that I want an answer to. “That’s shallow,” you say! Is it really so shallow for me to want to avoid meeting someone that I’ll recognize from America’s Most Wanted? ? If you don’t have a picture but I do, you have me at a disadvantage. I’m not okay with that.
If you have a picture but no information in your profile, then my mind automatically fills in your profile for you.
And if you don’t have any information – no profile, no photo, nothing – then you don’t even register as a person to me. You’re a ghost in the machine. An annoying ghost with bad spelling.
You don’t drop it once you’re told to bug off.
After a response declining his advances, one man who messaged my ex said, “So you don’t want to hook up?” My ex responded, “That’s generally what lesbian means.” If I recall correctly, the dude didn’t stop sending messages.
Persistence isn’t your friend when you’re rejected. Ten more messages aren’t going to change someone’s sexuality, make them any less single, or make you any more interesting or attractive. Ten more messages are going make you look pathetic, and they’re going to get you blocked and reported. And if someone doesn’t respond, there’s no need to send an inflammatory message – it’s totally unnecessary, and it’s definitely not charming.
Harassment isn’t sexy. Once I’ve told you that I’m not interested, please don’t keep messaging me. Even if you think your messages are friendly (“But you’re so pretty! I’m really interested, are you sure?”), they show me that you’re incapable of respecting my wishes. If you’ll ignore me when I tell you to stop messaging me, will you ignore me when I tell you to stop following me, or to stop trying to have sex with me? It’s unsettling. Leave me alone and move on.
Doing it right:
1. Find the right site. Facebook isn’t a dating site. Don’t try to hook up with people you barely know on Facebook. Try to find a site that caters to your needs. Is religion a big part of your life? Try ChristianMingle or JDate. Looking for a basic dating site? OKCupid works. PlentyOfFish exists. Kinky? Use Alt.com or something. (I’m not saying that Fetlife can’t find you a date, but it is not, by definition, a dating site. So stop messaging me like it is.)
2. Take a nice photo of yourself. A photo with your face in it. We don’t care about your bare chest or your genitals.
3. Fill out all the sections of your profile, and try to make it interesting. Don’t lie. Let your personality shine through. We want to know who you are and what you have to say about yourself. If you just talk about your career and list your interests, you’ve only given us the equivalent of what we could have learned by hunting you down on Facebook. Do you feel like you know someone when you’ve only read someone’s work info and the list of things they liked? If you do, you might have issues – those things don’t tell you who someone really is. They definitely don’t tell you whether you’re going to like someone.
4. Read someone’s profile. It contains vital information: gender, sexuality, relationship status. It also contains the information you need to send a message that’s actually going to get a response: hobbies and interests.
5. Compose a message. Try to make it more than one line. I’m not asking you to write someone a novel, but make it a message that’s worth the click it takes to open it. Aim for at least three sentences. Don’t use terms of endearment in your first message to someone. If you’re going to give a compliment, give it in a full sentence: “You have a beautiful profile picture.” instead of, “Hey beautiful.”
Ask questions so that the person you’re messaging has a reason to message you back. Don’t include anything sexually explicit, because it’s just not sexy and it’s going to discourage someone from responding to you at all, let alone to say, “Buzz off.” Spell check your message before you send it. The easier it is to read what you’ve written, the more likely someone is to respond.
Ta-da! You have sent your first message worth reading.
Welcome to the world of people who receive responses.
Fellow victims of unwelcome digital advances, I would love to hear your horror stories. What’s the most absurd message you’ve ever received?