consent Archives - Sugarcunt Writes

50 Shades of Bullshit: 50 Shades of Grey In 140 Characters or Less

Jun 072012

A love hate summary of my most recent (and shaming) Goodreads shelf addition, 50 Shades of Grey, presented in bites of 140 characters or less.

Warning: Content may be borderline spoiler-y. I will put the review behind a read more link below the image SOLELY because I’m trying to be considerate of those among us who want to read this dribble.

So I’m writing a romance novel. Sort of. But before you write for a genre, you have to at least read it. And additionally, why write something within a genre you hate, right? (It does make sense. I mean, if you want to write something good, you should actually like what you’re doing.) I want to write good romance, because I like good romance, but romantic fiction is an expansive field, so sometimes you have to dig through a lot of shit before you hit gold. You start at the popular stuff and burrow, hoping to find an entire t-rex carcass packed beneath the dirt.

I started digging and I hit petrified shit.

50 Shades of Grey became this INCREDIBLE phenomenon around April, and is a published work that originated as Twilight fanfiction. For my first fifty pages or so, I didn’t quite realize until some things (“Damn it, I was biting my lip AGAIN. For the BILLIONTH TIME BECAUSE LIP-BITING IS THE ONLY PHYSICAL ACTION I CAN PERFORM WITHOUT STUMBLING… most of the time.”) started popping up. And then the internet research said, “Oh yeah, by the way…”

Still, the publisher said the book “bore very little resemblance to Twilight!” Given that, I –tried- to put the story’s origins out of my mind, so as not to be biased in my reading.

I probably wouldn’t have bothered writing this if I had failed. I am definitely biased… because one of the most singular things E.L. James did well was encapsulate Stephanie Meyer’s loathsome, insipid characters within Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. (And let me just say: from the beginning, I did think the name “Anastasia Rose Steele” sounded stupid.)

I’m not going to give you my standard mile-long review where I pick over every point. Instead, I’m going to give you the niblet version: my tweets while I read the book. So just in case you missed all of them, you can now read the entirety of Sugarcunt’s #50ShadesOfBullshit tweets from start to finish. For the sake of brevity, I’ll remove my hash tag from these quotations.

International Fisting Day!

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Oct 212011

I straight-up love fisting, you guys.

If you just winced, give yourself a slap on the wrist. Two, maybe. And don’t you dare enjoy it. This isn’t sexytime-slapping. This is shame-on-you. No, this shame isn’t sexy either.

I know that there’s a pretty big stigma against fisting because people are sexually uninformed. (Do you like how I took the gentle route there and didn’t call them idiots? I’m trying not to alienate potential members of my audience by slinging around the I-word.) They’re convinced that a whole hand would never fit up there, and that they’d have to be super-loose to take it, and it would never fit because they prefer two fingers, and “couldn’t possibly” take more. Here’s a non-hostile article about why talking about being “loose” because of the frequency and size of an insertion is stupid. (Seriously. The vagina is a muscle. Try kegels if you think you’re lacking.)

People also seem to imagine that fisting is forced, violent, and is meant to be painful. It’s kind of like applying the original connotation of “fuck” to fisting. I’m not sure where it got this reputation, since it’s hardly mentioned in popular culture, but it’s a completely unwarranted reputation.

Fisting isn’t necessarily cramming your entire hand into someone’s cunt. Technically, it’s just four fingers and a thumb inside. The slutling’s entire hand doesn’t fit inside me in the duck bill position; I’m not even sure he can get past his knuckles.

I suppose I should make myself look human for a moment by admitting that when I was in high school, I too winced at the idea of being fisted. In fact, I didn’t think my ex would ever be able to put more than two fingers in me. His fingers were enormous, I never got very aroused, and I was never very well-lubricated with him. I couldn’t even fathom the idea. Even after we broke up, I didn’t say, “Let’s see if I can find someone to wear me like Lambchop!”

In fact, I was fisted for the first time on a whim. The slutling was fingering me (wearing gloves, of course), and it felt fantastic, so I asked him to insert another finger… and then I asked him to make the “duck bill” shape (shown here at the right, from Beyond Xs and Ys) and use his thumb. Oh my god. It all happened very naturally, and I was absolutely shocked that there was no pain. There was some gentle movement, but none of that hardcore thrusting that people assume fisting involves. (Hint: it often doesn’t.)

Fisting is now a semi-regular part of my sex life. The only time I enjoy having my cervix touched is when I’m being fisted, and I absolutely love the sensation of fullness that fisting provides. Being my boyfriend’s hand puppet is an incredibly unique experience for me, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Basic fisting guidelines:

Make sure your nails are trimmed!
Use gloves! (This will prevent concern about your nails – gloves are great for hot, safe hand sex.)
Use lubricant! There’s no such thing as too much lube, but there is such a thing as too little.
Communication is absolutely necessary. Go slowly and listen to your partner.
Be ready to have your mind blown.

In this interview (which features one of best fisting pictures in the world), Courtney Trouble describes fisting thusly:

Fisting is simply four fingers and a thumb sliding into a vagina (or ass, for those inclined and well-lubed). The hand then slips delicately inside the hole, past the knuckles and anywhere along the palm of the hand, even up to the wrist. It’s basically allowing the vaginal muscles to decide how little, or how much, the body wants to take in. The fistee is left feeling full, and often times the fister can feel the beating of the heart, muscle swelling, and the walls of the vagina moving up and down the hand. There’s a misconception that’s it’s forced in, when most fisting is initiated entirely by the person getting fisted. In fact, it’s usually the vagina itself that will decide to just swallow a hand entirely.

Once the hand is fully inside, it generally stays still, allowing both parties to experience that connection. Some movement is natural, and after a while, light thrusting may or may not happen. Every once in a while it might be faster or harder, but in general, fisting is all about a hand and a hole listening to each other very closely. It’s one of the most beautiful, intimate sex acts I’ve ever experienced. It’s sex positive and builds a deeper connection between sex partners. It’s encourages deeper communication. And most people who have been fisted will probably tell you, it’s one of the best ways to orgasm in the whole wide world.

Word, Courtney. Word.

Educate Yourself

Fisting Day Tumblr

Babeland’s Fisting Instructions

(The instructions are sound, despite the fact that the post is a bit rooted in gender binary.)

xMech’s Fisting How To

Fisting Basics by Scarlett Chaos at the Crash Pad Series blog.

Reflections On Safewords and Enthusiastic Consent

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Jul 252011

So, QuizzicalPussy posted a fantastic reflection on rapists and consent, and enthusiastic consent is a topic that has been on my mind, lately, given my new position on top of the world. (Okay, just on top of the slutling.)

Something that has contributed to my hesitation as a dominant figure in play has been the concern that I will take things too far. As I was laying slutling down for the first time in preparation for play, I made sure that we set up a safeword. I actually began by asking him to come up with it, because it would be a word he’d never say in bed. He was drawing a bit of a blank, so I suggested “Bananaphone.” It’s my go-to safeword, spawned from a joke, but totally practical, in my mind. When playing with my roommate, I told her, “The safeword is bananaphone,” and I don’t think she took me seriously. I’m a fan of bananaphone because… come on. Tell me it doesn’t make you laugh. In my mind, it eases the tension. However, it probably isn’t everyone’s style, because some people probably like their bedroom to be a serious place. I feel safe and secure if I can laugh, so it suits me. If my slutling comes up with a safeword that’s more suitable for him, then I’ll heed that, but until that time comes, bananaphone it is.

As a top dealing with a new bottom, I try to take my slutling to places he’s never been, but I try to go slowly and remind him that we can quit or change things at any time. I don’t want to do things without his consent, so sometimes I probably seem very redundant when I’m reminding him that we can stop, or I can change something. Right now, we haven’t come up with specific words to coordinate with the “traffic light” system, and so when he says the safeword, I stop everything I’m doing, ask him what he needs me to change (or avoid), and ask him if he wants to continue.

The reason the safeword issue really came to the front of my mind while reading about consent is because, while I’ll at least ask about a safeword or suggest one for my bottoms, no one has ever done me the same courtesy.

Really.

Every time I have played the bottom, no one has asked me if there’s a specific word that I’d like to use to indicate that I needed them to stop, or back off. In fact, I can’t remember anyone ever asking me what my hard limits are before playing with me. Sure, in some circumstances, they’ve come up before. I’d probably given my best friend the, “There are very few kinks I don’t have, and some of them are x, y, and z,” speech at some point before our sex life started getting kinky. I have also never played with someone who directly asked me what I hoped to get out of the sexual encounter that I was about to participate in. I’ve never been offered the chance to say, “So, in agreeing to hook up with you, I’m definitely consenting to some kissing, some biting, manual stimulation, and some protected oral sex, but I do not want to have vaginal intercourse.”

I’m just going to put it out there: that strikes me as being a little fucked up.

I think spontaneity is fun and sexy. I have had long-term partners that I was always down to do any kind of playing with, or that would respect my decision if I said, “Let me suck you off instead of letting you fuck me,” so I didn’t feel the need to “negotiate” the kind of sex we were going to have beforehand… but that doesn’t mean that everyone in a long-term relationship is always 100% DTF (down to fuck, for those of you who have slept through Pop Culture Acronyms 101). Meanwhile, I do know people who have been in relationships and have been sexually violated by their partners, not always through complete force, but sometimes just because their partner went much further than they wanted to at the time, and may not have heeded a response that was along the lines of, “I don’t want to do this right now.”

The bulk of responsibility doesn’t always belong to your partner, either. I’m not attempting to victim-blame anyone, but some of the responsibility to bring up the limits of your consent can’t always lie with your partner. Be your own advocate. If you’re planning a hook-up, talk about what you expect beforehand. It’s easy to change your plans in the middle of things if you want to add some things on, but it’s hard to take things off the menu when you didn’t even know they were being cooked up in the first place.

I’m not entirely sure why I never bothered to address the point of safewords with my play partners. I haven’t had many who were kinky, and a partner has to earn a large degree of trust before I’ll consider engaging in any of the edge play that I treasure so dearly. It wasn’t necessarily a smart oversight on my part, and I’m fortunate that it hasn’t screwed me over. The partners that I have allowed to choke me have generally heeded my “tap out” system without negotiation beforehand, but as I’ve said before – I haven’t had many kinky partners. The mistake I made was thinking that being the submissive partner meant that the person in charge should address safety concerns, and otherwise, I assumed they were on the level.

I encourage you all to negotiate the activities you consent to, and a “safeword” or light system before you start playing with someone.

With that said, it doesn’t always work out.

The only random hook-up that I had (with As Long As You’re Clean guy) had some vague negotiation prior. While we never addressed safewords, we did, through casual flirting and storytelling, establish a vague outline of what we expected from our encounter. We also negotiated the issue of prophylactics, and I told him he wasn’t getting anywhere with me unless there was a condom involved.

This part of the negotiation was pointless.

Yet another place where I should have been proactive was making sure that he wore the condom I provided… because he didn’t. Not initially, at least. When I sat up and realized he was barebacking me, I should have made him take me home that instant. Instead, I gloved him up and we finished, and then he took me home, and I never contacted him again.

It didn’t sit well with me, and I felt absurd for being upset about it. My feelings were valid, though, because he did something I didn’t specifically consent to and it left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I did consent to intercourse, but I didn’t consent to unprotected intercourse. It was a substantial violation of trust, and waiting for my period (as well as getting tested for STIs) after the encounter was nerve-wracking. I was fortunate to find that I was neither pregnant nor infected, but it certainly has made me a much more cautious person about how I navigate the process of having sex with other people.

I guess the bottom line of this post is that you can’t wait for someone else to be proactive about taking care of you. You have to ask for the things you need, instead of hoping your partner will bring it up at some point, or assuming that they’re informed about consent and safety procedures. Talk to your partners about safewords to use when your sexual activity is getting too rough, approaching your limits, or when you need them to proceed with caution. Negotiate what you’re interested in doing during a sexual encounter ahead of time so that a misunderstanding might not ruin the fun. None of these things can completely protect someone from unpleasant experiences, but anything that can potentially help avoid unpleasant situations is worth doing.