I’m just going to preface this entry by showing you the notes I jotted down about this thing when I started drafting:
2) MY CUNT WILL NOT HAVE IT
3) IT EATS LUBE
4) It’s 100% medical grade silicone, so while that means it’s awesome for putting in my electric kettle, it won’t have anything to do with my bottle of Wet Platinum. Because of the shape, it won’t have anything to do with my vagina. But because of the material, it does as much as it can with every fuzzy, dust and hair-related particle in my room. But that’s actually not so bad, because I can just pop this sucker back in my kettle and boil it before I get down with myself.
5) Can’t really feel handle ridges
So those were my first impressions of it… and no, I don’t generally write my notes in allcaps, if that tells you anything.
I’ll explain each of these, obviously. And then I’m going to tell you why it’s my new favorite toy.
[Image description: A pink dildo sits on a white background. The dildo is relatively phallic, with a bulbous bump near the head of the toy. A protruding, handle-like piece is positioned at the bottom of the toy, complete with a hole that would be ideal as a fingerhold.]
1) I tend to do a lot of research before purchasing toys. When Epiphora mentioned that Jollies was going out of business and that JT’s Stockroom still had the Valentine’s Jollie, I spent a good ten or fifteen minutes chewing my nails and reading several reviews that she linked to determine whether I wanted to spend this money before the Jollie went off the market forever. There were some warnings posted, and the Stockroom site even offers dimensions for the product, but I’m totally inept at putting those numbers to a visual. The only time I felt like I really saw the Jollie at proper scale was in the Wanton Lotus video review of it… and I promptly cried, “It’s HUGE… I have to buy it!” I’m not a size queen. In fact, I have spent the vast majority of my life being the opposite of a size queen, because my sex with Ex generally always resulted in some spotting afterward. (His girth wasn’t the only reason, but it was a significant contributing factor.) But this dildo was a really cool idea, and it was going off the market, and I was seduced by the idea that I would have something that no one else could get soon. (I’m petty, sue me.)
So the Jollie came, and despite the videos and the warnings, I took it out of the box and I was like, “WHAT?” Like I said, it’s pretty beastly. If you check out the photo on my preview post, you will find that its girth dwarfs pretty much every other toy there. The only adjective I could think of for the shape in my image description was “misshapen,” which is a considerably less-than-stellar word to use when you’re talking about a toy that you actually like. You will find that this fucked-up shape is actually what passes as “ergonomic” in the world of things that you stick in your vagina. That’s right – the word ergonomic is no longer limited to office supplies. I would like to think of the Jollie as the Quasimodo of my toy collection. Rest assured, the comparison is warranted, because I can tell you right now that when I die, my skeleton will be found entwined with this thing.
2) My first attempt at fucking myself with the Jollie was somewhat less-than-stellar. I tried to insert it while I was chilling out in my desk chair. But here’s the thing… I have this bad habit of ejecting my tampons when I sneeze. Without any sneezing necessary, my vagina forcefully expelled this thing as if it were a tampon. The g-spot bump did absolutely nothing to keep it inside me. The Jollie was an expansive foreign body, and my twat wanted it out.
3) While pondering over why the Jollie wouldn’t peacefully occupy my vag, I briefly speculated that maybe I had too much lubricant. Bullshit! There’s no such thing as too much lubricant! Besides, every time I ejected it, it was practically dry. The third time I had expelled it after coating it up with yet another layer of water-based lube, I began to wonder if more drastic measures were in order. Virgin sacrifice?
4 & 5) That’s self-explanatory, right?
Now I’m going to tell you why I’m so happy about owning the Jollie:
I had a literally hands-free orgasm in less than ten minutes.