Getting My Jollies

I’m just going to preface this entry by showing you the notes I jotted down about this thing when I started drafting:

1) BEASTLY

2) MY CUNT WILL NOT HAVE IT

3) IT EATS LUBE

4) It’s 100% medical grade silicone, so while that means it’s awesome for putting in my electric kettle, it won’t have anything to do with my bottle of Wet Platinum.  Because of the shape, it won’t have anything to do with my vagina.   But because of the material, it does as much as it can with every fuzzy, dust and hair-related particle in my room.  But that’s actually not so bad, because I can just pop this sucker back in my kettle and boil it before I get down with myself.

5) Can’t really feel handle ridges

So those were my first impressions of it… and no, I don’t generally write my notes in allcaps, if that tells you anything.

I’ll explain each of these, obviously.  And then I’m going to tell you why it’s my new favorite toy.

The Jollie [Image description: A pink dildo sits on a white background.  The dildo is relatively phallic, with a bulbous bump near the head of the toy.  A protruding, handle-like piece is positioned at the bottom of the toy, complete with a hole that would be ideal as a fingerhold.]

1)  I tend to do a lot of research before purchasing toys.  When Epiphora mentioned that Jollies was going out of business and that JT’s Stockroom still had the Valentine’s Jollie, I spent a good ten or fifteen minutes chewing my nails and reading several reviews that she linked to determine whether I wanted to spend this money before the Jollie went off the market forever.  There were some warnings posted, and the Stockroom site even offers dimensions for the product, but I’m totally inept at putting those numbers to a visual.  The only time I felt like I really saw the Jollie at proper scale was in the Wanton Lotus video review of it… and I promptly cried, “It’s HUGE… I have to buy it!”  I’m not a size queen.  In fact, I have spent the vast majority of my life being the opposite of a size queen, because my sex with Ex generally always resulted in some spotting afterward.  (His girth wasn’t the only reason, but it was a significant contributing factor.)  But this dildo was a really cool idea, and it was going off the market, and I was seduced by the idea that I would have something that no one else could get soon.  (I’m petty, sue me.)

So the Jollie came, and despite the videos and the warnings, I took it out of the box and I was like, “WHAT?”  Like I said, it’s pretty beastly.  If you check out the photo on my preview post, you will find that its girth dwarfs pretty much every other toy there.  The only adjective I could think of for the shape in my image description was “misshapen,” which is a considerably less-than-stellar word to use when you’re talking about a toy that you actually like.  You will find that this fucked-up shape is actually what passes as “ergonomic” in the world of things that you stick in your vagina.  That’s right – the word ergonomic is no longer limited to office supplies.  I would like to think of the Jollie as the Quasimodo of my toy collection.  Rest assured, the comparison is warranted, because I can tell you right now that when I die, my skeleton will be found entwined with this thing.

2) My first attempt at fucking myself with the Jollie was somewhat less-than-stellar.  I tried to insert it while I was chilling out in my desk chair.  But here’s the thing… I have this bad habit of ejecting my tampons when I sneeze.  Without any sneezing necessary, my vagina forcefully expelled this thing as if it were a tampon.  The g-spot bump did absolutely nothing to keep it inside me.  The Jollie was an expansive foreign body, and my twat wanted it out.

3)  While pondering over why the Jollie wouldn’t peacefully occupy my vag, I briefly speculated that maybe I had too much lubricant.  Bullshit!  There’s no such thing as too much lubricant!  Besides, every time I ejected it, it was practically dry.  The third time I had expelled it after coating it up with yet another layer of water-based lube, I began to wonder if more drastic measures were in order.  Virgin sacrifice?

4 & 5)  That’s self-explanatory, right?

Now I’m going to tell you why I’m so happy about owning the Jollie:

I had a literally hands-free orgasm in less than ten minutes.

(more…)

Why We Want the Wahl

I got out my porn and toys and my best friend asked, “Want me to bring you towels?”  Oh, beautiful angel of mercy.  You know me so well.  I meticulously arranged the towels and got myself set up to play.  I was ready for my mind to be blown.  For starters, I’ve never used a vibrator that wasn’t operated by AAAs or AAs until I bought the Wahl, but it goes without saying that a corded vibe is supposed to be intense.  I noticed that the Wahl’s cord has your standard, “Please don’t shower with me” warning label, but said label also warns against use on your genitals.  As I plugged the Wahl in for the first time, I caught sight of that warning label and laughed, knowingly, murmuring, “Puh-lease, what’s the worst that could happen?” Everyone raves about this thing.  I don’t think I’ve read a completely negative review of it yet.  Maybe I just haven’t been looking hard enough. It was cheap, and it was WORTH IT. While the thing is a little big, somewhat gun-shaped, and rather heavy at the head of the device, the two vibration speeds are both incredibly agreeable.

Refer to this image from Amazon, because I’m gripped by the urge to masturbate with this thing every time I remove it from the box, not take pictures of it.

[Image description:  The Wahl 7-in-1 Electric Vibrator is sitting on a white background.  The vibrator consists of a grey handle with a bulbous, round-edged, somewhat square-shaped head extending from one end.  The other end of the vibrator has a power cord connected to it, and the Wahl has a bell-shaped white end attachment sticking out from the square at the other end.  Shown around the Wahl are its six other head attachments: a head that is a slightly-domed, smooth, flat-ish disc, a head that is covered in three circles of nubs arranged in a bullseye pattern, a head that has a bullseye shape constructed by smooth lines and a nub, a head that is just a very large nub, a head that is a rectangle with four rippled shapes protruding from it, and a somewhat pyramid-shaped head with rounded edges.]

The Wahl has three settings: Off, Awesome, and OH FUCKING SHIT.
The first speed (which I nicknamed “Awesome”) is a pretty intense surface vibration that’s leg-twitch inducing when you brush it across the clitoris.  The second speed (“Oh Fucking Shit”) is a little different.  It feels deeper and more layered than the first, and it’s oh-so-satisfying.  To me, the vibrations from the second speed are far more penetrating than the first.  After experiencing the second speed, when I compare the two, I’m actually inclined to call the first speed a “light vibration,” even though there’s nothing light about it from a standalone perspective.  Both of the vibration speeds are almost silent compared to the battery vibrators in my arsenal.

I generally opt to masturbate quietly when it’s just me, unless I’m feeling especially sexy, but I didn’t get a choice on this.  It had been an hour of repeated, orgasm-less ejaculation.  (I think I counted five.  I think.)  The last segment of Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes 2 was off, and free porn was on.  I had the spot applicator (Epiphora‘s recommended jilling tip) on the Wahl. My anal beads were in, the Wahl was nestled against my clitoris and held in place between my legs because my hand had gone numb, and I had my jackrabbit in, thrusting against my g-spot.  It was just too much.

What came out of my mouth was not the confident, empowered moan that my lips are accustomed to.  It was like I was riding in the backseat, and the front seat was populated by an overwhelmed toddler that was reaching the apex of a hissy fit.  (Note to self: never reference anyone under the age of 18 in sex blog again.)  I wailed and it felt passive.  I shuddered, convulsed, my legs twitched like crazy, and I soaked the towel in another gush that was so late in the orgasm that it was almost after the fact.  A moment later, I felt like I lost all basic control of my bodily functions.  The dildo left me without any work on the part of my hands, but my ass was like a vice, even five minutes later.  To summarize the aftermath, I present to you the Lost Tweets, which Twitter stalled out and refused to post… probably for the sake of saving face for me.

“Oh.  So that’s what a queef sounds like.  No wonder it’s so taboo.”

“My ass feels like Thunderdome gone wrong.  FOUR BEADS ENTER, NONE LEAVE.”

It was all such a blur that I can’t even tell you whether I was using Awesome or Oh Fucking Shit.  I don’t remember.  As I was packing up the Wahl, I caught sight of the warning label again.  It needs something about temporary movement impairment.

My complaints about the Wahl are minimal.  The size is a little bulbous, and a majority of the weight is focused in the head of the device, so it’s a little unbalanced and a bit heavy, at worst.  It would probably be inconvenient to integrate into partner sex play if you had two bodies pushed against one another, like one might in the missionary position.

It will numb your hand if you hold it for too long, but I tended to solve this problem by positioning the vibrator with my hands, then holding it in place with my thighs.  (Additionally, the numb hand is still totally worth the orgasm.) Another complaint relating to the hands is that the heads require a little bit of effort to attach and remove.  I think this is reasonable enough when you consider that once the heads are fully attached, they don’t go anywhere, but, those who have problems with or disabilities relating to their hands (arthritis being the first and foremost that came to mind) might have a hard time forcing the different heads into place.

The cord means you need to be near an outlet, which isn’t a problem for me, but means that this probably wouldn’t be very convenient for sex out of the home.  Because of the cord, its size, and the small size of my portable toybox, the Wahl may not make it into my “on-the-go” kit.  However, the Wahl has a very special place in my bedroom.

Get one.  Get one now.  Get two for the hell of it.  Use the ripple-y head on your thighs to work out the soreness from reverse cowgirl.  (Did that.)  Use the deep muscle head on your back to give yourself the massage you need.  (Did that, too.)  After all of that, settle in with a glass of wine, your choice of porno, literotica, or fantasy, and use the spot applicator to have the fun you deserve.  Just make sure that the Wahl’s acclaimed “silence” isn’t essential, because while the vibrator might be relatively quiet, you won’t be.

Pros Cons
ORGASMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s big, and a bit heavy.
Super-quiet. It numbs my hand after a while.
Multiple heads. All heads not suitable for genitals.
Amazingly cheap. It’s corded.
No batteries! Wouldn’t be very comfortable between two people in missionary.
You can use it for things other than jilling!  (But why would you want to?) It gets a little warm after a while.

The Mighty Mini-Mite

I feel like I have a reputation among the people I fuck.  I know it’s total bullshit, but I feel like, if they could all clock one another on the street, they’d start whispering as I passed, “Hey, look, there’s the girl who can’t come.  Did she go for you?”  They would compare notes, and ultimately decide that I was just frigid.  My sex toys almost certainly have passed this judgment on me.  I feel like they crowd together in their little red box, whispering lies and slander, trying desperately to come up with outrageous reasons for why they all came up short compared to my right hand.

It’s not like I’m nonorgasmic.  I have orgasms.  I love orgasms!  It’s just that, for five years, I hadn’t orgasmed without manually rubbing my clitoral shaft with my right hand.  It didn’t work when other people tried.  The fact of the matter is that up until last week, I hadn’t had an orgasm that I hadn’t provided a little bit of assistance with in five years.  (And I’d only had two before that.)

Enter the Mini-Mite.

Image description: A small, orange, cylindrical vibrator on a red background. Also on the red background are four caps that go on the end of the vibrator in different textures: smooth, smooth with raised flat circles, large spikes, and small spikes.

Okay, I know what you’re thinking.

It’s day-glo orange.

That wasn’t my choice, but I don’t even care.  This little sucker got me off.  It could be the most vomitous shade of chartreuse on the planet, and I would still shove it between my legs.  (Although I suppose some might argue that I would shove anything between my legs.)  The color on mine was random, because it came as part of a toy bundle, but I think they also make it in purple and pink.  It only has two settings: off and awesome.  I’m okay with that.  If it only takes one speed to get me off, why should I complain?

I took it for three spins.

Trial Run #1:
The vast majority of my masturbation with this sucker was all clitoral.  I watched some of the hottest segments of The Crash Pad while using this thing, ejaculated a little bit along the way (when I ejaculate clitorally, I don’t tend to have an actual orgasm), and after that, opted to shove my jackrabbit inside me to speed things along.  It was the first “hands-free” orgasm I’ve ever had.

Trial Run #2:
I sat around watching an assortment of free internet porn for an hour and a half with this thing buzzing away on my clit, and ejaculated about four times, but couldn’t have anything that felt remotely like an orgasm for the life of me.  Because I was menstruating and wasn’t in the mood for clean-up, I didn’t put anything inside me so that I could actually get off.  I’ll admit, I was a bit disappointed.

Trial Run #3:
Fresh off the crimson wave, I sat down with an episode of Device Bondage featuring Tacori Blu (who I’ve decided that I don’t enjoy watching), my jackrabbit between my legs, a bullet wedged against my perineum, and the Mini-Mite on my clit.  I also opted to give my brand new bottle of Wet Platinum some use, and it was a thing of beauty.  With a little bit of positioning, the Mini-Mite hits all the right spots, and I was generally able to hold it there with my thighs.  I had another fantastic “hands-free” orgasm, complete with ejaculation – in not one, but two bursts!  It felt so good that I was able to excuse the fact clean-up from the entire episode took over 20 minutes.  (Showering, toy cleaning, trying to dab off the mattress and hanging the blanket I was sprawled out on.)

Now, that I’ve raved about the good, I’ll offer up the ugly truths about this thing.

There’s a problem with the “multiple heads” idea.  They don’t all stay on properly.  I find that the more textured heads are very secure when you attach them, but the two that are more smooth don’t want to stay on at all.  The smoothest, which is just a little rounded cap, won’t even give the ILLUSION of sitting securely on top of this thing.  It’s like the MiniMite is forbidding me from making a “boring” choice.  The semi-smooth head would attach, and it seemed like it was somewhat secure, but it had a tendency to come off between my labia whenever I moved the vibe.  Because the sensation of rubbing a porcupine over my clit isn’t doing it for me, the MiniMite now spends the bulk of its time without a head, which may not exactly be as the manufacturers intended, but is about the only way it’s coming anywhere near my clitoris.

In terms of powering it, don’t get me started on the battery compartment on this thing.  I initially assumed that I had been shipped a busted product, because it looked like there was no way in hell it was ever going to work.  I couldn’t figure it out when I took it out of the box.  Don’t misunderstand me – I was able to open it up, but I put the battery (one AA) in and tried to turn it on, and NOTHING HAPPENED.  I resorted to thrusting it at my best friend so that she could make it work.  At one point, I thought we broke it, because one of the battery contacts came off and just floated around inside loosely.  The only thing I can figure is that it wasn’t working because I was turning it the wrong way when I was attempting to turn it on.  I know it sounds stupid.  Believe me, it makes no sense.  I’m not technologically-challenged in the slightest.  I can program a fucking VCR.  I can figure out how to work your new digital camera before you do.  But for some reason, a $20 vibrator stumps me.

In general, the clean-up isn’t much of a chore for me, but I also haven’t been using the heads.  I can’t imagine that the spikiest heads would be much fun to clean at all.  The top half of the device does have some seams that have trapped a bit of gunk that I can’t get out with a wipe, the sink, or a Q-tip, so I’ll be taking a toothbrush to it the next time I’m cleaning my toys.

The Mini-Mite probably isn’t the best toy out there, but it definitely isn’t the worst.  It stimulated me more than a standard two-speed bullet does, so that’s a point in its favor.  It generally seems priced at around $20, but mine came free in a kit with three other toys that I bought from Amazon, and it seems to pop up in a lot of sex toy bundles.  My Mini-Mite was made by Mind Body Source, and if (when?) it dies, I probably wouldn’t bitch too much about replacing it.

Pros Cons
Lots of power for something that takes 1 AA. The battery compartment was initially mystifying to me.
Multiple heads with different textures. Not all of the heads will stay on.
The material it’s made out of is nice and silky-feeling. Pay attention to the little lines during clean-up.
I came. It has one speed.