A Series of Love Letters: Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo

Dear G-spot Toys:

I am so sorry.

I am sorry that I will always be comparing you, no matter what you are, to the Pure Wand, especially if you are curved or made of metal.  I am sorry that my G-spot scoffs in the face of a resilient hammering unless also paired with clitoral stimulation, with which no G-spot dildo has been able to provide me simultaneously.

Dear Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo:

galaxygThank you for making me jizz everywhere despite not being the Pure Wand.  At first, I saw you and wasn’t sure that I’d like you… but I really wanted to try.  When we first met, I was astonished by your incredibly hard, solid exterior.  I immediately had to beat you on a variety of surfaces to test how sturdy you were.  You were so firm, despite being the most lightweight dildo I’ve ever owned.  Somewhere between pulling you out of my mailbox and leaving you in my room to go to dinner, I decided that I would not rest until I put you in my vagina.

I love you, Galaxy G.

I love you so much that sometimes I get a little choked up and moist inside.

 

I really have no intention of spending the entirety of this review comparing the Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo to the Pure Wand, but let’s be honest: they are both awesome G-spotting dildos.  It is not easy to talk about my second-favorite G-spotter without comparing it to my favorite G-spotter.  Really.  They are both so great that Goodvibes recommends the Pure Wand when you visit the page for the Galaxy G.  I look at the Galaxy G as a great introductory G-spotter; the opening act to the Pure Wand’s performance, if you actually like the Pure Wand.  (Let’s be honest, while many of us love it, it’s not for everyone.)

The Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo from Good Vibrations is  a short, solid acrylic dildo with a steep curve and two differently-shaped ends.  One is round.  The other is pointy.  The pointy end is not for my G-spot, but it might be for yours.  However, the round end serves its purpose nicely.  It hits all the right places, it isn’t too pokey, and it isn’t too big to get the job done.

2012-09-26 22.14.41-1When I say the Galaxy G has a short length and a steep curve, I’m not exaggerating.  It fits very well against the inner curve of the Pure Wand – less length, more curve.  This can be complicated to use if you’re expecting a toy with more reach.  I found that the Galaxy G wasn’t quite as good for the same type of frenzied thrusting that I do with the Pure Wand, but the important thing is that it still feels amazing.

Because it’s not heavy at all, your wrists won’t get tired when you use it.  If you’re tough to get off (in any way), then this is a good thing, because you want to be able to fuck unimpeded.  However, because of the angle, it will be easier to thrust with if you have longer arms than I do.  Because mine aren’t very long, I eventually took to using it sitting up rather than lying down.  However, that curve can also screw you over depending on the kind of vibe you’re using.  For me, the curve makes this dildo run right up against my vulva very snugly.  Naturally, that can be something of an impediment depending on the size of your vibrator.  The Wahl is not that convenient for wedging into place beside the Galaxy G.

But regardless of the difficulty of squishing a vibrator into the mix, the great thing about the Galaxy G is that, like any other G-spot stimulation, it can make you squirt.  Squirting is among my favorite things.  I have to have the aforementioned clitoral stimulation to do it, so I have to use the Galaxy G with one hand and a vibe with another.

Some people only require G-spot stimulation to get off.  The Galaxy G is beyond perfect for them.  There’s absolutely no difficulty involved in its use if you aren’t trying to get vibration into the mix.  Honestly, it’s probably the closest thing to the perfect dildo for G-spotting if the lack of clitoral vibrations won’t complicate your experience.  While the Pure Wand’s weight feels delicious internally, the Galaxy G feels great without killing your wrists.  It’s not heavy, not cold or warm… it’s like fucking yourself with a very rigid cloud.  For some people, this may be perfect.

The acrylic material also makes the Galaxy G easier to transport.  You can literally throw it in your bag and go.  It’s so light that you could carry it around in your purse and you wouldn’t have to worry about the material picking up lint, fuzz, and hair like a silicone dildo does.  You may laugh at the fact that I consider portability a perk, but when I’m packing a big bag of sex toys to drag through airport security, the weight matters to megush.

For the incredibly cheap price, I would have purchased the Galaxy G if I hadn’t been able to review it.  It’s not the Pure Wand, but it doesn’t have to be.  I think it’s a little more accessible than the Pure Wand.  The shape, the ease of use due to weight, the “safe” material choice (because metal is not for everyone), and how damn good it feels all make it a great toy, whether you’re a G-spot enthusiast, or if you’re just starting out.  If you are just starting out and want a guide on how to stimulate the G-spot, I suggest checking out the Oh My Gush! Kit at Goodvibes, which includes the Galaxy G, GUSH: The Official Guide to the G-Spot & Female Ejaculation, and Please Cream Lube (which is glycerin and paraben-free and body safe).  This toy, a how-to DVD, and lube?  You could literally walk out of the store with the kit, go home, and hammer yourself into oblivion within the span of an hour.

Thank you, Good Vibrations, for providing me with the Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo to review!  I can assure you that it’s in good hands.

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex

If you ever wanted a porno to sell you on anal, then Tristan Taormino’s Expert  Guide to Advanced Anal Sex is the porn video for you.

For starters, it’s educational as hell… and one of the best things about the educational bits (other than the wealth of legitimate and helpful information) is that the educational portions are taught by Tristan, who is a piece of eye candy no matter how much or how little she wears.

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex begins with anal endorsements and clips from the stars, and Tristan offers a lesson on anatomy and hygiene, which are valuable lessons for anal sex.  I love the hygiene lesson, because Tristan actually discusses enemas, and how to use a disposable enema safely (pour out the prepacked contents!), which is colossally important.  Tristan wins more points in my book by warning against numbing lubes in anal sex, praising warm-up anal activity before pulling out the big guns, and telling us about how to train your ass, and offering advice for first-time anal practitioners.  She gives suggestions on how to deal with pain during anal (back off!), good positions for anal sex, and toy play.

The stars.  Nina Hartley! Kylie Ireland!  Adrianna Nicole!  Bobbi Starr!  Danny Wylde!  James Deen!  Mr. Marcus!  Christian, God of Giant Cocks!  It’s a great cast.

vlcsnap-2012-09-21-19h05m11s252Kylie Ireland and James Deen start the show, prepping her anally with fingers, then taking the ENTIRETY of a Tantus A-Bomb like a champ… and begging for more.  She and James fuck doggie-style with the A-Bomb in her ass, then he slips it out and takes her ass from the side while she uses a hitachi.  I loved the use of gloves, because I’m anal (no pun intended) about protection, and it puts my nosy mind at ease when performers use some kind.  The entire performance is rife with dirty talk and a faint squeaking from the bed, which is only a tiny bit distracting if you really focus on it.  James and Kylie do a good job of providing the kind of dirty talk that I absolutely love, and it’s really genuine, convincing, in-the-moment talk, with growls and groans and a lot of muttering… which is only slightly annoying if you have to adjust your volume a lot to hear it.

When I finally sat down to finish this review, I watched it on the large television in the living room.  Noise level was not a concern.

But really, other than Kylie Ireland’s ass of holding, the verbal responses are some of the best things about this scene.  The dirty talk is guttural and intense, and you can tell Kylie is losing her shit.  That turns me on SO much, because those growls are really authentic, and they remind me of my own intense sexual experiences.

vlcsnap-2012-09-21-19h06m52s237Danny and Adriana are next, and they’re… a lot quieter.  I’m not going to lie, that disappoints me, but I do love is the bondage tape harness that Danny makes to secure the plug that Adriana wears while she blows him.  The sex largely consists of a variety of positions for anal intercourse, and is absent of both the squeaky bed AND much other than the growl of a Hitachi and some quiet moaning.  I guess another good thing is that I love their headboard… and sometimes they make good eye contact.  But that’s all I’ve got to say about this.  It wasn’t my speed.  Honestly, I started fastforwarding through it after the halfway mark just to get to the end of the scene, in which Danny cums on Adriana’s ass and I look forward to getting on with the DVD.

The scene with Mr. Marcus and Bobbi Starr actually starts out with Bobbi in what appears to be a harness with a small Tantus Ace beneath it.  She quickly upgrades to the larger Ace…

and then the oral sex

 

It’s worth applauding Bobbi for her expert cock-handling.  And for being a lot louder than Adriana, which is a blessing.  Mr. Marcus is at least slightly more verbal than Danny was, which I’m into.  They also have sex in a room with a couple mirrors, so the camera angle that captures the action through a mirror is nice.  I love when Bobbi is sitting on him Reverse-Cowgirl style and rubbing herself as she rides him.  In fact, I really just love her anyway, because she is such a gorgeous woman.  One of her orgasms is amazing.  Then later she and Mr. Marcus try to break a chair!  (Try.  I say try because it squeaks incessantly.)

vlcsnap-2011-07-20-01h40m38s217Mr. Marcus also does this clapping thing when he gets really into it that I just find hilarious.  I’m totally cool with applauding her performance – I would!  But something about the act itself in the moment just entertains me endlessly.  Sometimes he does it and I expect Bobbi to just stop moving and fall lifelessly to the floor.  CLAP OFF!

 

Last, but not least, Christian and Nina.

Watching Nina Hartley make this face (while imitating an opera singer hitting a high C) is worth the price of admission alone.  (That’s the combined anal and clitoral stimulation face.)

vlcsnap-2012-09-20-21h12m22s19

Nina is just the best.  There is nothing about this woman that I do not adore, in this porn or anywhere else.  She doesn’t hesitate to tell Christian when he hits the right spot.  She asks for exactly what she wants – “right there!  I’d love it if you put a thumb in my ass.”  And she loves people who aren’t afraid to let their “freak flag” fly.  She’s incredibly verbal, incredibly fun, and she can practically EAT the nJoy Eleven with her ass.  (That’s admiration that you’re reading, by the way.  And eeeenvy.)

Nina’s awesomeness doesn’t just carry the scene… Christian’s willingness to put stuff in his ass is the best.  There is no other way to say that.  Any man who lets someone put a Pure Plug and an nJoy Pure Wand in his ass (before getting pegged later) on camera is automatically up there in my top 10 favorite male pornstars.

Nina compliments him on looking good as the recipient of some strap-on lovin’, and I agree with her 100%.  He looks damn good on his knees.vlcsnap-2011-07-20-02h07m36s13

It’s just a hot scene.  They communicate and do all kinds of shit – there’s nothing “one note” about any of it.  While it isn’t necessarily the SUPER-INTENSE GROWLING UTTERLY-CHEMISTRY-DRIVEN dirty talk that I love, it’s something else I can enjoy and respect just as much: enthusiastic, fun, enjoyment-driven dirty talk!  Christian cums all over his stomach while Nina pegs him, and she tells him how much fun he is.  Everyone should have an orgasm like that at least once.

If the porn and basic education weren’t good enough, this DVD also comes with educational special features about:

  • Safer sex and choking safety
  • Strap-on Tips
  • Anal hygiene, and
  • Solo prostate stimulation

The toys in TristanTaormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Anal Sex are totally great.  There’s a LOT of Tantus and nJoy toys, and in the shot that shows a bunch of anal toys during the educational segment, there are even some NobEssence (luuuuuuust) toys… such as the Romp.  The educational content is superb, and the sex is great.  While I very obviously have my two favorite scenes, I wouldn’t describe the other two as mediocre… they’re just not my speed.  I think the sheer amount and value of the content is worth the money, don’t you?

Seriously.  If you don’t care about anal, Tristan has videos of similar quality about squirting, blowjobs, rough sex, and more, so there’s something to tickle everyone’s fancy.  Check out Tristan’s site at http://puckerup.com!

To Tristan Taormino and all of her assistants: My vagina and I both thank you all for sending this video to me for a review!

Wet For Her Four

About an age and a half ago (December, I think?), Wet For Her contacted me to do a review of their non-phallic double-ended dildo, the Wet For Her Toy Four.

 

Images cobbled together are courtesy of Wet For Her

I was thrilled about this, because I was wildly curious about Wet For Her toys.  As someone who has dated a lesbian who really wasn’t into penises (but could at least tolerate phallic shapes), I thought it might be an interesting opportunity to switch things up.  Epiphora did a review of the Wet for Her Two, and over the summer sent me the Two in a package (because I was wildly curious about it).

But this is a review about the Four.  So anyway, Erika was nice enough to send me the Four.  The timing wasn’t fabulously convenient, initially, because I was in a monogamous relationship with the slutling.  We could have used it anally; we simply never got around to it because I was still trying to make sure he could take a regular dildo before I tried fucking him with anything double-ended or in a harness.  Do make a note that you don’t have to be in a relationship with someone with a vagina to use this.  You’ll have to be mindful of the direction you point the curved end, but it’s perfectly good for any sort of partner play, no matter what genital configuration you’re packing.

I did, however, masturbate with this toy frequently.  (After all, one wants to use the toy several times before writing a review.  And it’s delicious.)

The Four is an amazing masturbation device for those with short arms, or with wrists that get tired from thrusting with their palms on the bottom of a flat-bottomed dildo.  The connecting material between the Four’s two parts is very solid and sturdy, which is exactly the opposite of the connection that the Feeldoe has.  This means that the part of the dildo that’s meant to go in the partner wearing it makes a great handle.

When masturbating, the Four hit my g-spot pretty well.  Because the end is tapered like two fingers, it isn’t particularly wide or flat, but I don’t exclusively need that width.  Because of the sturdiness of my “handle,” it was easy to thrust with the degree of force I needed.  Now, Epiphora raises a good point about the Two that is also true for the Four: it’s not a set of fingers, so it can’t move or adjust the curve like real fingers can.  They will always be in that shape.  Unless your partner only does one thing with their fingers, then it will not be like partner play. And if you don’t like fingering, it’s just not the same as using a phallic dildo with a wider head.

The Four also comes with a bullet you can put in it.  I only tried the toy with the bullet once because of my previous bullet-optional toy follies (see: The Protouch From Hell).  I don’t feel so crazy about it.  The toy is very thick, so I’m not sure that I can say you’ll get a lot sensation from the vibrations.  And internally, most vibrations are very “meh” for me anyway.

Aside from masturbating, I did try to use the Four the way that Wet For Her intended.  When I became single, my ex/roommate and I decided to have sex again.  The Four was not the focus of our play, but we decided to try it in the middle of things, because I was very conscious of the fact that I needed to hurry up and review the thing.  (This was in February, so I was already lagging on my review.)  Since I’m the aggressive one out of the two of us, I opted to try fucking her with it, and decided I wouldn’t waste time bothering with my harness.

I carefully inserted the toy, and was immediately a little disconcerted when I stood up.  It didn’t want to be in my vagina.  By sheer force of will and vaginamancy (human sacrifice), I kept it inside myself and prepared her for the ride of her life.  Unfortunately, the ride was drastically impaired by the same thing that has ruined harness use for me every time I’ve tried it: I am five feet tall.  My partners are always at least eight inches taller than me.

Seriously, guys.  I tried bending her over the bed.  I tried using Fuck Mountain (my pile of Liberator sex furniture).  We tried it with her standing up (why did we bother with that?).  We even tried to have her climb on top, and I can’t even remember if she managed to mount me or not.  If she did, we didn’t keep it up very long.

So she said, “Well maybe I can fuck you with it.” Hell yes, I love dildos!  My body is ready!

Or not.

Height difference didn’t have time to come into play, because she put the Four in, then had trouble keeping it in.  It’s not a failure on her part by any means – she simply doesn’t bother with insertion.  Like, ever.  Only in sex with other people.  So it’s normal for her pelvic muscles to be less strong than those of someone who spends hours a week using a variety of dildos and ben-wa balls on themself (me).  It’s not like she has a reason to sit around doing kegels.  But unfortunately, that meant no double-dildo lovin’ for me.

So I haven’t really had an opportunity to play with the Four much more than that.  I’m in another monogamous relationship with a man who doesn’t have a vagina and doesn’t get much out of receiving anal.  I am often plagued by frustration with review toys because if I don’t get to try their intended use, or use them multiple times, I feel like it’s not thorough enough to form a fully-accurate review.

The Four isn’t a bad toy.  I like to masturbate with it, and I like that the partner end doesn’t flop around because of a thin connection with the penetrator’s end.  I think it’s a great masturbation device and offers a lot of potential for people who have specific ability-related needs involving their hands and sex toy use.  I do not feel the need to use the bullet, but it’s a nice thought for those who may enjoy that.  My review can’t offer much critique on the intended use for the toy, but I do know this: you need strong PC muscles.  Muscle strength is probably less crucial (but still beneficial) if you pair the Four with a harness, like the Joque (<3).  If you’ve got double-dildo experience, you and your partner will enjoy the shape of the toy, and you’re curious about the Four, I encourage exploration with it if you’ve got the money.

Ultimately, the biggest thing I learned from this experience is that you probably need to be capable of fucking someone with a dildo before you try to use the Four.

Thanks so much to the gang at Wet For Her for letting me try the Toy Four!  I owe all of you some orgasms. *Wink.*

Sugarcunt Reads: Jack’s Blowjob Lessons

Subtitle: “The Bigot’s Better Blowjob.”
Sub-subtitle: “Driving You To Drink.”
Sub-sub-subtitle: “Can’t Tell If Trolling…”
Written by the man who has had over 1,000 blowjobs, and counting.

If you want to skip to the drinking game, in which my dastardly machinations promote death via alcohol poisoning, just scroll to the cut.

Jack Hutson e-mailed Epiphora asking her to review his book.  She had heard of his attempts to snag a review, and had also heard that all of her fellow bloggers had either declined or just ignored the e-mail.  Appalled that no one had told him off for being a moron, she said, “Hell to the no.  You’re a sexist pig.”

He then proceeded to solicit every sex blogger that she links to on her site.
I’m on that list.

We knew about Jack Hutson and the book because we’d been ridiculing the site a few months earlier.  “It’s so misguided that it’s funny,” we said.  “It’s gaudily designed! The information is crap!”  We NEVER expected that he’d e-mail us asking us to review it.  I invite you to formulate your own opinions about the site – his marketing method, his design, and the contents of his book cited there!  To my understanding, you can find it by googling it. (At least, that’s what Jack told me to do when he introduced himself and mentioned his book.  If you click the link to Epiphora’s tumblr, you can see the e-mail he sent to all of us.)

Jack Hutson: The Moron Behind the Masturbation

He seems pretty legit, you guys.

We, two 20somethings having relations with cisgender males, wondered, “Are we supposed to take blowjob advice from a poorly-vectored man with a mullet?” The answer is the same that it would be if you replaced “blowjob advice” with “candy”: No.

Instead of curling up in a corner and wailing, “I NEED AN ADULT,” repeatedly, I agreed to review his book because I didn’t really expect it to make me do that.

(Spoilers: Sometimes, it does.)

But really.  Surely I don’t know every blowjob technique in the book.  Surely I can improve.  That’s what I told myself when I responded.

 

Jack selflessly dedicates the book

to women all over the world.  I genuinely want to help them to free themselves, learn how to give great head, and have the best time ever with the men they like.

Jack sells this book hard.  It’s a $47 book that is only available as an eBook.  Jack tells you that “buying this book is probably the best investment you’ve made in the last few months.”  His endorsements read a little bit like something out a pageant, as if he’s hoping to be crowned Miss America: Blowjob Queen.  But the site says it wants to teach you how to be “The One.”  <insert tired Matrix reference here.>

So enter the world of Jack Hutson, the Man of 1,000 Blowjobs.

Jack Hutson writes in a style similar to Tucker Max, who aims to be the 21st century’s Bukowski without wasting his time on poetry.  He thinks nothing will get your man off more than you (an assumed cisgender female) taking your role in the “natural order of things” by being a “submisive slut.”  In fact, in the book and the website, he tells you that if you don’t give good head, your man will find someone who will.  He says most guys will leave you for a girl who gives better BJs than you.  He says his divorce was necessitated by that fact that she gave bad head.  On his website, he utters the “horrible truth,” that, yes – that other person your man could go to might even be a prostitute.  (GASP!

My friend Elle M. summarized it best when she was reading his website, “So if you don’t suck it right he’ll hire a hooker?  And it will be YOUR fault?  HIS DICK WILL PULL HIM TO A SEEDY CORNER OF TOWN LIKE A MAGNET.”

Elle is convinced that the man who drew up a contract of wifely expectations even though there was no consensual master/slave dynamic must have written this.  I agree with this theory, and we intend to investigate extensively.

The biggest thing Jack stresses is “the winning attitude.”  Why?  “You have to be horny if you want him to get horny.”

As I already said, how you feel is how he will feel.  So, let’s recap – you have to change

“He should be happy that I made the effort to be on my knees and suck his dick, I hate doing this”
Into >>>
“I looove sucking his dick, mmm, it feels so good, I love the taste of it, I wish I could keep on sucking it forever, God, I’m so happy he let me suck on it, it’s the most beautiful thing on Earth, Aaaah”

I am giving him head”
Into >>>
He is giving me incredible pleasure from letting me suck his hard, tasteful cock”

Okay, y’all.  Here’s the thing.  I don’t hold back.  I go down there without asking.  I voluntarily stick my face down his pants when I’m ready to roll.  And yes, he is letting me suck his cock, and yes, I am getting pleasure from it.  But let me be totally honest.  While I care for my partners, and find them sexually appealing, the opportunity to put a cock in my mouth isn’t exactly a privilege that I had to pry from his cold, dead fingers.  Sure, he’s letting me administer fellatio, but it’s not like I had to beg him for the chance to make his eyes roll back in his head.

 

Jack admits that he’s homophobic, sexist, and generally an asshole.  (I haven’t even scratched the surface in that list.  He’s a bigot in all ways, and this book is one entire cissexist tirade of crap.)  He’s actually kind of proud of it.  That just makes you want to punch him more.  When he says that it’s hard to get STDs from giving a blowjob and says he never got anything from getting blowjobs from hundreds of different girls?   I want to spit on him for thinking he’s the authority on this.  He tells you to know who you’re dealing with, make sure he’s clean or make him go get a test, and don’t swallow his load if you’re not sure he’s clean.  WHAT ABOUT CONDOMS, JACK?  He has a section on how important it is for you to look good.  He has some sections on… oh, fuck it.  You don’t care.  Neither do I. Let’s just cut to the chase.

If you buy this book, you’re basically paying $47 to hear one guy talk about what he likes to see in porn and what he looks for in a woman (winning attitude!  submissive and gentle in all ways!  feminine!  slutty!  swallows unless it’s a facial!).  I only recommend making “the best investment that you’ll have made in the last few months” if you intend to find Jack Hutson and convince him to marry you so that you can kill him and inherit all the stuff he’ll leave in his mom’s basement.  (If that’s your plan, I apologize that you’re that hard-up.)

I’d like to share some of my favorite gems from the book:

Blow jobs are in some way a method to convey male dominance over the female.  It is natural for a man to be dominant in sex, and by giving him a blowjob you are showing ultimate submissiveness – and thereby giving him ultimate pleasure.  Remember girls – this is NATURAL, that’s the way it should be by nature.  So forget about feminism when giving head.

You’re right, Jack, I’ll just put equality out of my mind while I’m sucking dick to promote the “natural order” of the world.  After all, anthropologically speaking, blowjobs are a much stronger human biological imperative than penile-vaginal intercourse.

And be feminine… you have to be a real woman, not some feminist. I don’t know how a lot of you girls got the impression that guys love tough, dominant chicks – no, we don’t. And the guys that tell you that only tell you so you’ll think they’re nice. These guys make me throw up.

Because real women can’t be feminists.

No, we don’t want a manly woman; we want a woman to be a real woman, feminine, gentle and loving – and most importantly, sexually submissive to her man.

Oh good, I’ll keep that in mind when my boyfriend is begging me to tie him up, sodomize him, and call him a little slut.  Sorry if  we made you barf a little, Jack.

You can also have great sex with soul and r’n’b music – I love music made by black folks, they really have a sense for music and they know how to make really good grooves for sex.
what.

If you really master giving blow jobs, all doors will be open for you.  I can’t even explain how many girls suck at giving head – just by being better than them, you are in a major advantage.  Sex is important, and sex without blow jobs is like driving a car that has really small space for gas.  It gets boring to go to the gas station every five minutes – so sooner or later, that guy will want to buy a new car – a car that has A LOT of gas space.  Funny example, but that’s how it is.  I never cheated on girls that gave amazing head – because all my needs were satisfied – so I didn’t even need to think about cheating.  I broke up with them for different reasons, and it was always hard for me to leave those girls – because a good blow job is hard to find.

So is a good blowjob instruction manual.

Let me strip the shit I slogged through down to advice that you could have paid a psychic hotline for:

  • Men like foreplay too.
  • Men generally prefer that you enjoy administering oral sex rather than acting grossed out or unenthusiastic.
  • You can suck cock in more than one position.
  • Your sex life will be more interesting if you’re relaxed and open about your sexuality.

 

The cool thing is that when you empty out all of your “fun” money for the week to buy his book, you also get a REALLY long FAQ.  In the post-script after he finishes the text of the book, he tells us that the FAQ is BETTER than the book, and more than worth reading.
Then why the fuck did I just buy the book, Jack?
He also states that he’s writing “a new book about sex, anal, talking dirty, and other kinky shit.”

Oh please god no.

 

While reading this, my brain actually needed something to do.  (That tells you how much brainpower the text required.)
I’m not a big drinker, but this book made me want to pick up the bottle… and smash it over his head.

Instead, I proudly present to you the Jack Hutson Drinking Game!

(more…)

Synergy: Annoying Buzzword, Decent Lubricant

I’ve been browsing around for new lube, since I’ve chewed through a bottle of Astroglide in a ridiculous amount of time.  I also never intend to use Astroglide again, because my bottle of Astroglide smells like bubble formula.  Things that smell like bubble formula do not belong in my vagina.

Wet Synergy Lubricant is a hybrid of silicone and water that does not smell like a children’s playground.  Something like that shouldn’t earn it points in my book, but it does.

Synergy is thicker than any other lubricant that I’ve tried (Astroglide, Wet Platinum, and some lube from Tantus), and even though it’s a hybrid of water and silicone, it doesn’t start to feel tacky like water-based lubricant does.  It maintains the satin-like texture that I associate with silicone lubricant, and has a relatively comparable staying power to silicone lube.

The thickness of Synergy has made it very useful for anal play, and has been an absolute blessing when it comes to lubing up toys.  Silicone lubricant tends to piss me off because it drips off my toys instantly, making an unholy mess.  No more, I say!

However, this isn’t the perfect lube.  It’s good, but not perfect.  It’s supposed to be hypoallergenic.  I can verify that it certainly hasn’t irritated my skin, but I’m not particularly sensitive.  However, it does contain glycerin, which is a nightmare for people that are prone to yeast infections.  It also made my partner’s urethra burn when I slathered it on him to use for a handjob.  Does that have to do with the glycerin?  I don’t know… but I made sure never to put it on his cock again.  His ass has no problem with it, though, and lube is far more essential to a proper anal experience for him than it is to an enjoyable handjob experience.

It isn’t especially pleasant-tasting, either… it has that artificial-tasting sweetness that is common among most lubricants.  I mean, it isn’t bad.  It’s not like licking rancid ass.  But I don’t particularly like it.  That suits me just fine, since I won’t be using this on the slutling’s penis.

Can you use it with silicone toys?

Good question.  Because this lube contains silicone, I generally don’t, unless I have the toy secured by a condom.  As with any silicone lube, you would have to ask the toy manufacturer about the toy’s compatibility with the lubricant.

Ultimately, I’ve enjoyed the addition of Wet Synergy to my toy bag.  In my bedroom, its benefits have far outweighed its few downfalls.  I wouldn’t recommend it to people who are irritated by glycerin, and I wouldn’t use it in acts such as sounding, or handjobs.  However, it has been an excellent lubricant for use with my toys, and in anal play.

Thank you, Goodvibes, for providing me with the Wet Synergy Lubricant!  Without it, I would definitely be fucking myself a lot less… and let’s be honest, no one wants that.

Picobong Kiki: What Have I Done?

“…do I actually have this on my crotch?  Yes.  Yes, it’s definitely touching me.  And I’m definitely holding it in the general region of my clit, but… is it on?  Of course it’s on, I can hear it.  I.. I think it’s touching my clit.  WHY CAN’T I FEEL ANYTHING?”

That’s pretty much everything you need to know about the Kiki Vibe from Picobong.  Picobong is a new, more affordable line from LELO, and so I expected… something from this toy.  Something other than what I was given.

I was excited about it, at first.  It’s cute!  (Look at the nubby shape!  The colors!)  It’s small!  (About as long as my palm.  In fact, that image beside you is about to scale, if you hold the product up to your monitor.)  THAT IS ADORABLE, right?  The outer shell of most of the vibrator (save the battery cap) is silicone. The entire toy is waterproof.  And while you may not have noticed this initially (as I didn’t, until the product was in my hands), the P and B are the + and – buttons.  That blew my mind.

I swear to god, I thought this thing was going to rock my world.  Just looking at it was like finding out that you can hold the shower head against your genitals.

So, I tore the Kiki out of the box, rinsed off the smudging that occurred from the black cardstock-like paper that held it in place, and hit the + button.  I was greeted by a vibration speed that I will dub, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

I hit the + button a couple more times.  Nothing happened.  I held the + button down, and the vibe began speeding up.  That was more like it.  Sort of.  I was having some trouble figuring out the vibration patterns, though.  I figured I’d just give it a test run anyway.

It comes with a manual.  Just read the manual, you guys.

For starters, the manual says that rechargeable batteries result in reduced vibration intensity.  After I took the Kiki on its test run, I read that warning and I was like, “Oh, THAT’S my problem!”  But no.  No, that wasn’t my problem, because I wasn’t using any of my rechargeable AAAs in the Kiki.  It was made this way.  The flaw is not in my battery choice.

The second thing you’ll gain from the manual is the knowledge that you have to hold down the + button for about two seconds to change the pattern settings.  The Kiki boasts twelve modes, which contain a decent amount of variety in the patterns.  One of them is even kind of… musical.  I thought that was cool.  I don’t own a single vibrator that has as much genuine pattern variety as the Kiki!  But with a motor that could lose a race against a slice of bread, there isn’t enough power available for me to ENJOY those settings.

Finally, Picobong boasts that the Kiki is near silent.  While it is a relatively quiet vibe, you’re going to be relatively quiet too… because it probably isn’t going to get you off.

Oh!  And one last complaint… more of a pet peeve, really.  Picobong’s box (and their site) says that the Kiki is great for C-spot stimulation.  Where the hell is your C-spot?  Can you show me?  I’m pretty sure they mean the clitoris.  That is not a “C-spot.”  It is a clitoris.  STOP, Picobong.  Stop that.   I hate that term.  “C-spot?”  It’s not a spot.  My vulva is not a Dalmatian.  It’s a clitoris.  It’s filled with twice as many nerve endings as the penis.  It is not a “spot” like the coin-sized G-spot.  It’s more of a nub shape, at best.  And it has a name.  The clitoris.  Don’t try to change it.  Next you’re going to be selling me dildos and telling me they’ll stimulate my “v-spot.”

Also, they say you can put the Kiki inside yourself to stimulate the vaginal opening.  Don’t make me laugh.

I spend my nights turning the Kiki on and off, switching between different settings, and dreaming about what sort of bliss my clitoris could be experiencing if this vibrator could plug into an electrical socket.

I don’t know why you’d want to, but if you’re so inclined you can get a Picobong Kiki from Shevibe!

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The Protouch From Hell

DSCF1303My orifices were excited about sending up a report on another Tantus product. You all know how much I love Tantus.  The Protouch was just another product to check off my list of Tantus toys to fuck before I die…. unfortunately, I can’t check it off yet.

Because I can’t get it in my ass.

No, I don’t know why.  It’s not very big!  The thinnest point is about equivalent to a finger and a half, on my hand, but my ass just will not have it.  (It’s only had one finger in it, anyway.)  I tried putting it in while I squatted over the toilet.  It jumped into the bowl instead.  I tried throwing my leg up on the wall and shoving it in that way.  It took a dive for the floor.  Sprawled out on my bed?  That thing was going anywhere but my ass.  I STILL have not put this toy inside myself, and it has been in my possession for roughly two months.   TWO MONTHS, GUYS.

However, I’m fortunate enough to have Slutling, who not only lets me test my toys on him, but also has an ass that doubles as a bag of holding.  I let him describe what wearing it is like, because I’m not his fucking secretary.

Honestly, for a toy that I’d expect to have hit my prostate, the Protouch kinda failed on that point.  Just having it in, wiggling it around, or using it with the vibe didn’t really seem to hit my P-spot.  Even having Sugarcunt use it on me didn’t make it hit anything.

I think the finger shape of the Protouch is nice, and inserts pretty easily.  But it doesn’t feel particularly special inside my ass.  To be fair, the only other plug I can compare it against is the Bootie, which also feels good but isn’t spectacular.  However, I was expecting more out of this toy and it didn’t really give me any.  The round base also means it can be a bit uncomfortable to walk around with when you’re wearing it.  It generally took me a minute of muscle control to really make sure I was holding it in, but I was fine after that.

The vibrations were transferred decently, but not with the bullet that came with it.  That bullet was too weak to really give more than a light sensation.  Using a different one had better results.  I’d imagine this might be a decent toy for anal newbies, especially ones that want a vibration and have to play solo.  If you’re with someone else, it seems like their finger would be just as good an option, albeit one that lacks the vibration.

So that’s what this toy feels like in his ass.  I’m not so sure about his guess that the Protouch would be “good for beginners,” because aside from the fact that the phrase itself is a death sentence for a  review (ask Epiphora), I’m more of an anal beginner than he is, and this toy was not good for me.  I have, as an inexperienced anal enthusiast, had the most success with tapered toys that start a bit smaller than the Protouch does.  While the Protouch does increase in size gradually, it doesn’t have the kind of taper that I’d like to have in my ass, and because its width doesn’t thin out again at the bottom, it seems a lot more difficult to keep in your ass than it should be.

However, my notes are written as someone who hasn’t experienced it internally.  I do have a pretty prominent complaint about it that I do have experience with, though.  The slutling calls this the “toy from hell” because of the time we’ve had when we tried to use bullets with it.

Don’t put the vibrator in this toy without lube.

Better yet: don’t put the vibrator in this toy at all if you ever plan to clean it.  (And you should.)

When I first received the plug, I was so eager to give it a go that I popped the bullet in without lube and ran around, waving it in delight as it buzzed away.  That was all well and good, until I needed to clean it.

The bullet wasn’t coming out.

I used my chain-nose pliers.

The bullet wasn’t coming out.

I got the slutling to pull at the plug while I pulled the bullet.

The bullet wasn’t coming out.

We tried a thousand permutations, and none of them worked.  It would have been comical, in a Schadenfreude kind of way (you know, if I hadn’t been the one struggling with it).  I turned to Twitter for help, and was told that I should never put a bullet into a toy without lubing it up first.  Great advice, except it came an hour too late.  The second piece of advice I received was that squeezing some lube in might help dislodge the bullet, and that spinning it as I pulled out just might help.  I also received a suggestion about pliers, but that was irrelevant, since I had already tried every pair I owned (and as a jeweler and computer nerd, that number is astronomical).

Lubing the thing up didn’t help.  Even though I squeezed some lube down the side of the bullet and worked it into the sleeve, the vibe still wasn’t going anywhere.  I was at a complete loss.  Because I was desperate to get the Protouch clean, I figured I could just hold the “tainted” part of the plug in my electric kettle before giving it a thorough (and careful) cleaning with soap.  Instead, I  ended up dropping the entire thing inside the boiling water.  I think the water interacted with the lube enough to help me get the bullet out, which was perfect, because the bullet was now completely fried.  To make an omelette, you’ve got to ruin a few shitty bullets… or something.

The second time we used the Protouch, we lubed the bullet sleeve carefully before insertion.  Post-coitus, we found ourselves in the same struggle we had been in when we hadn’t used lube.  And better, still, the lube actually made the bullet even more difficult to grasp.  Because THAT was what the predicament needed: a slippery bullet!  I opted to wait several hours before trying to remove it again, which helped immensely.  To prevent redundancy, let us just say that I eventually got the bullet out without dropping the plug in water and ruining the bullet, and to this day, have yet to use the thing with vibrations.  The benefit of the vibrations (which aren’t that astounding, if you’re using the factory bullet) do not warrant the time that you will waste attempting to move it.

Despite my complaints about removing the bullet from it, it isn’t a bad butt plug… not that it’s amazing, either.  If you like the feeling of being filled by a still finger, then the Protouch is the perfect shape for you.  It may not be the easiest plug to walk around in, but if you’re wearing it while sitting or lying down, that won’t be much of a concern.  Because it’s made of silicone, it’s phthalate-free, body-safe in general, and incredibly easy to clean… provided you don’t have any trouble with the bullet.  If you’re interested in trying some very subtle anal vibrations, and (god help you) willing to battle with the bullet, then this isn’t a terrible way to introduce your ass to something new.  The Protouch is a reasonable purchase in my book.  It still makes the rounds in my bedroom when I’m playing with the slutling, but it isn’t the best thing I have to put in his ass.  It probably won’t be the best thing that you put in yours.  However, I’m fairly confident that it isn’t the worst.  It’s just kind of mediocre, I guess.  And one day, maybe it’ll be a mediocre thing that has actually been in my ass, too!

Just remember:

1) You really shouldn’t engage in anal play without lubricant, and

2) It’s silicone… so you can’t use most silicone lube with it, unless you’re willing to secure the plug with a condom first, or do a test patch. I’ve had good results using Uberlube with Tantus toys, but ALWAYS test it first, just in case.

You can get a Protouch at Shevibe for $39.99!

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The Rippler

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This hulking beast is the Rippler Silicone Dildo from Goodvibes, and if you’re anything like me, the first thing you did when you saw it was gird your loins.  I’ve testified about my love of texture in the past, so it was sort of a given that when Goodvibes offered it up for review, I was all over this thing.  Look at it!  That majestic curve!  Those pronounced ridges!  That attractive berry hue that satisfies my cravings for stuffing a wine-covered cock inside me!

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Okay, on a serious note, here is the beast itself, featured in the now-obligatory DroidX size comparison photo.  It’s massive, isn’t it?  Longer than the Jollie, though not as girthy as its widest point.  However, don’t let this comparison fool you.  This dildo is by no means inferior to the Jollie; just different.  Those ridges are a thing of beauty, and they’re not to be taken lightly.  Really: this is not a warm-up dildo.  In fact, if you’re not hot and ready, it might be a mite bit uncomfortable, even if you’ve liberally applied the lube.  If you haven’t “pregamed” and you opt to slather the Rippler down with lube,  you’re in for a couple minutes of something conflicting.  I mean, it’s not that it doesn’t feel good – it does!  But in those first minutes, it also feels a bit uncomfortable.  You know those curling irons that your tween sister has, with the spiral around the rod? It feels like that, without the moral dilemma of shoving something that doesn’t belong to you in your vag.

 

No, the Rippler is not your mother’s warm-up toy… instead, it is what you pull out when you’re craving the big guns.  You’ve been wet and warm for hours?  Back away from the foot massager and dig this out of your toybox instead.  After those first few minutes of use, the magic starts.  You can feel those ridges, and soon, they worm their way into your heart.  I may or may not have given each individual ridge a name, although I tend to forget them when the sensation blends into one massive, fast-thrusting, ripple-y hurricane.  There’s probably some G-spot stimulation at the eye of the hurricane, but I don’t tend to concentrate on that specifically, because I have a tendency to get swept away.  [Cue the appropriate music.]

Most people probably can’t shove the entirety of the Rippler’s length into their vaginas, but that’s okay – the extra length can be very handy for thrusting, and on the off chance that you DO happen to like having your cervix knocked around by a battering ram, then cramming the whole thing in is perfect for you!  The Rippler is safe for anal use, but I can’t tell you how far in it will go, because my asshole tightens up like a nun’s whenever I consider putting this thing near it.

If you don’t like texture, this isn’t for you.  If you like texture but cannot under any circumstance handle girth, then this isn’t for you – the thing has a diameter between 1 5/8 and 1 7/8 inches.  If neither of these caveats apply to you because you love texture and girth, and you can shell out the $60 necessary for it, then you don’t have an excuse not to own this dildo.

DSCF1255 (600x800)This baby is harness-compatible, although you may need a larger O-ring, due to its girth.  My harness, the Spareparts Joque, doesn’t have an exchangeable O-ring, but with a bit of patience and steady shoving, it fits!

The Rippler comes in three different colors – an attractive emerald green, a chic black, and the metallic purple, which is the color that I have.  (As a note, this harness photo is probably the truest to life, in terms of color.)  The purple is a very attractive wine color, so I have a tendency to leave it sitting out on my desk.  This isn’t solely because I’ve been formulating this review for weeks, nor just because I like making my guests uncomfortable… no, I like to keep the Rippler within reach for when one of my moods strikes me.  In addition to being fabulous to stick in my cunt, it’s an excellent bludgeoning tool.  I confess: I probably beat it on my desk more often than I masturbate with it.  It’s not that I don’t like it… it’s that the thing is so goddamn sturdy that when some act of blatant stupidity has thrown me into a mini-rage, the safest thing for me to smash is this dildo.  You cannot break it.  It is the firmest silicone toy I own, and manages to maintain that without sacrificing flexibility.

The Rippler has Goodvibes’ Ecorotic seal, because it is phthalate-free (and body-safe in general) and made in the U.S., ensuring a lower carbon footprint.  So go buy one and feel good about doing some tree-hugging with your self-loving.

Thank you, Goodvibes, for providing me with the Rippler to use as an eco-friendly gavel!  (And occasionally, to use for fucking myself into Oz.)

I’ve Got A Secret…

Tantus fangirl #14,948 reporting for duty.

Why do I like Tantus?

Because their silicone is awesome.  I consider many of their products to be inventive.  I like their packaging.  In my limited experience, they’ve shipped promptly and their customer service is pleasant.  So naturally, when Goodvibes was offering the Orange Dream, also known as Tantus’ “Little Secret” Spoon, I was all over that.

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I mean, come on.  Look how adorable that is.  It’s orange!  It’s small!  It’s twee!  “Cute” isn’t something I tend to look for in a vibrator, because I generally search for something under the “induces flash floods” category.  However, cute definitely doesn’t hurt, and this vibrator manages to be cute without invoking imagery of some fuzzy animal that does NOT belong in the same sentence as “cunt.”

Did I mention it was orange?

IT’S ORANGE.

Sorry about that.  Sometimes my overwhelming desire to have a rainbow toybox completely overrides the portion of my brain that types my reviews.

DSCF1151 (800x600)Moving on, this vibrator is of an incredibly unobtrusive size, and could, theoretically, be stuffed in even the smallest purse… if you ignore the fact that silicone desperately wishes that lint, dust, and hair could become part of its chemical composition.  (However, this is totally irrelevant if you’ll have access to a place to wash your vibe before you play with it.)  I took a photo of it next to my Droid X, which isn’t known for being the smallest phone, but fits in all of my pockets.  If the Orange Dream had calling capabilities, it would be a hell of a lot less of a pain to tote around than my phone.

Tantus’ description of the Orange Dream says that it is “the perfect little G-spotter.”  I don’t know who wrote that, but I want to pee on them.  If this vibrator hits your G-spot, you let me know.  I stuck it in me and was summarily… unimpressed.  This wasn’t made to go inside those of us who tackle things like the Jollie on a regular basis.  If it was knocking on my G-spot’s door, then my G-spot was in the shower, blasting music at several hundred decibels, while construction raged on outside.

The Orange Dream is really just a silicone sleeve over one of Tantus’ 80mm bullet vibrators, which runs on N-type batteries.  The 80mm is actually reasonably powerful, for a bullet… it’s the sleeve that’s the problem.

I know Tantus does silicone.  I know that some women prefer to place a towel between themselves and their vibrator… but usually, those women are using a Hitachi.

I want to like this vibrator.  I do!  It’s precious!  All of them are!  (Yes, I –did- just make each word into a separate link.)  But the Orange Dream just isn’t doing it for me.  I used it so many times and was disappointed each time… I mean, even the least demanding vibrator can make me come eventually, if paired with some other kind of stimulation.  This wasn’t even doing that for me.  The sleeve diffuses the vibrations so much that it’s… kind of appalling, to be honest.  You wouldn’t think the bullet was very powerful, if you didn’t know that you could take it out.  The thing is, I think the stimulation is supposed to be diffused, since the head is rounded and angled.  That’s cute on my nipples or whatever, but my clit doesn’t want diffusion!  MY CLIT WANTS TO BE JACKHAMMERED.

The sleeve also doesn’t diffuse the volume of the bullet very much.  This isn’t entirely necessary, because it isn’t incredibly loud, but it’s like… if all the sleeve does is diffuse the vibrations and not the noise, why am I using it?  Keep in mind that this is simply the Orange Dream model – the others all have different shapes, and Bedroom Blogger loved the Touch.

However, I just didn’t love this.   It’s amazing Tantus silicone.  It’s orange!  It’s small.  It’s waterproof.  It’s cute.  But it isn’t for me.  It’ll get someone off… if they orgasm at the touch of a butterfly’s wing.  But as far as I’m concerned, the only thing it can do for me is this:

Yes. It rolls. Yes, there were three people gathered around to watch this.

 

Many thanks to Goodvibes for providing me the Orange Dream for review and use as party entertainment!

Getting My Jollies

I’m just going to preface this entry by showing you the notes I jotted down about this thing when I started drafting:

1) BEASTLY

2) MY CUNT WILL NOT HAVE IT

3) IT EATS LUBE

4) It’s 100% medical grade silicone, so while that means it’s awesome for putting in my electric kettle, it won’t have anything to do with my bottle of Wet Platinum.  Because of the shape, it won’t have anything to do with my vagina.   But because of the material, it does as much as it can with every fuzzy, dust and hair-related particle in my room.  But that’s actually not so bad, because I can just pop this sucker back in my kettle and boil it before I get down with myself.

5) Can’t really feel handle ridges

So those were my first impressions of it… and no, I don’t generally write my notes in allcaps, if that tells you anything.

I’ll explain each of these, obviously.  And then I’m going to tell you why it’s my new favorite toy.

The Jollie [Image description: A pink dildo sits on a white background.  The dildo is relatively phallic, with a bulbous bump near the head of the toy.  A protruding, handle-like piece is positioned at the bottom of the toy, complete with a hole that would be ideal as a fingerhold.]

1)  I tend to do a lot of research before purchasing toys.  When Epiphora mentioned that Jollies was going out of business and that JT’s Stockroom still had the Valentine’s Jollie, I spent a good ten or fifteen minutes chewing my nails and reading several reviews that she linked to determine whether I wanted to spend this money before the Jollie went off the market forever.  There were some warnings posted, and the Stockroom site even offers dimensions for the product, but I’m totally inept at putting those numbers to a visual.  The only time I felt like I really saw the Jollie at proper scale was in the Wanton Lotus video review of it… and I promptly cried, “It’s HUGE… I have to buy it!”  I’m not a size queen.  In fact, I have spent the vast majority of my life being the opposite of a size queen, because my sex with Ex generally always resulted in some spotting afterward.  (His girth wasn’t the only reason, but it was a significant contributing factor.)  But this dildo was a really cool idea, and it was going off the market, and I was seduced by the idea that I would have something that no one else could get soon.  (I’m petty, sue me.)

So the Jollie came, and despite the videos and the warnings, I took it out of the box and I was like, “WHAT?”  Like I said, it’s pretty beastly.  If you check out the photo on my preview post, you will find that its girth dwarfs pretty much every other toy there.  The only adjective I could think of for the shape in my image description was “misshapen,” which is a considerably less-than-stellar word to use when you’re talking about a toy that you actually like.  You will find that this fucked-up shape is actually what passes as “ergonomic” in the world of things that you stick in your vagina.  That’s right – the word ergonomic is no longer limited to office supplies.  I would like to think of the Jollie as the Quasimodo of my toy collection.  Rest assured, the comparison is warranted, because I can tell you right now that when I die, my skeleton will be found entwined with this thing.

2) My first attempt at fucking myself with the Jollie was somewhat less-than-stellar.  I tried to insert it while I was chilling out in my desk chair.  But here’s the thing… I have this bad habit of ejecting my tampons when I sneeze.  Without any sneezing necessary, my vagina forcefully expelled this thing as if it were a tampon.  The g-spot bump did absolutely nothing to keep it inside me.  The Jollie was an expansive foreign body, and my twat wanted it out.

3)  While pondering over why the Jollie wouldn’t peacefully occupy my vag, I briefly speculated that maybe I had too much lubricant.  Bullshit!  There’s no such thing as too much lubricant!  Besides, every time I ejected it, it was practically dry.  The third time I had expelled it after coating it up with yet another layer of water-based lube, I began to wonder if more drastic measures were in order.  Virgin sacrifice?

4 & 5)  That’s self-explanatory, right?

Now I’m going to tell you why I’m so happy about owning the Jollie:

I had a literally hands-free orgasm in less than ten minutes.

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