The Bodispa Almighty

 

This is your genital guinea pig reporting in with a new vibrator after my long absence. I asked SheVibe for a Bodispa wand vibrator because I was intrigued by it. For starters it’s called “The Bodi-Spa Almighty Hot-Cold Body Massager” and if the use of the word “almighty” in a product’s name doesn’t pique your interest then you’re dead inside. I was super curious about the hot/cold functionality and really excited about the idea of putting something toasty on my genitals.

The box was enormous. The toy is enormous. As we all know I have a unique difficulty with product specs. Even with a ruler out I just don’t get them… so nothing prepared me for how huge this thing is. I mean I thought the Amsterdam was big but I did not understand that the tip of the Bodispa would be bigger than a clown shoe. I pulled the Bodispa out and gasped, “This is wider than my entire vulva.” It is roughly the size AND weight of a scepter. It kind of reminds me of the scepter in Super Mario Brothers.

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You know the one.

When I marvel at the size of it I know that it is not made for genitals. That much is apparent. The manual doesn’t say “put it on your junk,” but neither did the Hitachi and Wahl manuals. In fact I’m fairly certain that the Wahl warns you NOT to. (I’m a blogger, I LAUGH in the face of danger!)

I mean of course I tried the Bodispa out on other places, but I don’t generally request products unless they have some sexual function. In fact, if I CAN’T put it on my genitals or use it to rub someone down, tie someone up, and/or (consensually) beat them, I usually pass on it.

In broken English the Bodispa manual tells me all the important stuff: charge for eight hours, don’t use on broken skin, don’t stare directly at the sun, whatever. The manual says one charge should last 45 minutes, but I’m not sure whether that’s with or without the temperature settings.

If you need small toys, this is not the toy for you. If you need discreet toys, this is not the toy for you. If you want to hear your porn, this is not the toy for you. The first time I heard it I decided that the BodiSpa Almighty sounds like a tractor fucking another tractor in the tailpipe. My partner says this is a slight exaggeration.

The Bodispa AlmightyThe thing that drew me to the BodiSpa was that it has heating and cooling settings. To the BodiSpa’s credit, it heats and cools REALLY quickly, and doesn’t seem to have much trouble going from one setting to the other. The temperature stuff is transmitted through a big metal circle in the middle of the head, and it has pretty colored lights around it to indicate what temperature setting you’re on.

The warm setting on my vulva is pretty nice as long as I don’t think, “Am I peeing myself? I might be peeing myself.” Because I’m not peeing on myself when I use it, and don’t recommend peeing on yourself with this piece of equipment pressed against your genitals. It has vent holes and you will ruin it. The cold setting is very refreshing. I anticipate summer coming up because I’m probably going to spend a lot of time with this thing nestled between my legs on the cold setting… assuming I can ignore the numbness in my thighs from the vibrations.

This thing vibrates a LOT. It’s not very buzzy; both speeds are really rumbly, so the massager vibrates my legs. I’m pretty sure that whenever I have it between my thighs for a long time I can actually feel my body stop shaking a few seconds after the toy turns off. It’s not orgasmic shaking, it’s just shaking because the toy has been jostling me around. I actually wish it had just a temperature-on setting without vibrations because I’d love to have the temperature stuff without the hellaciously loud vibrations.

When I tried the BodiSpa out at first I was not impressed. I didn’t think I was going to get any orgasms out of it because of how the vibrations are spread out. Back when I had my hood piercing I found that I preferred broad stimulation over pinpoint, but these are too broad.

With the shape of my vulva (it’s fat) there’s also no way I can get this vibrator directly up against my clitoris – instead I just have to let it vibrate the top of my vulva… which actually works! I’ve had several orgasms thanks to the BodiSpa, but they’re not the most amazing orgasms I’ve ever had. It’s kind of like having the orgasm equivalent of being in a shallow wave pool – you know the waves are more substantial in the deep end but you keep getting washed closer to the shore. I have no idea how to get to the deep end with this thing, and I’m not sure there’s actually a way to get there just because of the shape of my body and the size of the toy.

The Bodispa AlmightyWith that said, I actually really like this massager. Do I recommend it as a sex toy? Ehhh. I think that you probably need to have a very specific genital configuration or the ability to get off by vibrating your overall genital region. If you need pinpoint stimulation I absolutely do not recommend this. Obviously. It’s huge.

With the BodiSpa’s iffy sex toy capabilities aside, I think it’s a pretty awesome massager. I keep finding myself using it, turning the heat setting on and massaging my thighs, my shoulders, my vulva. I use it more for massaging than I do for trying to get off. It’s like I’m not even a sex blogger anymore. The hot/cold functionality is pretty awesome. Pressing the massager firmly against my body doesn’t feel like it dulls the vibrations.

It is so cool and so not-obviously-a-sex-toy that I’m seriously considering getting one for my mom.

If you want your own BodiSpa Almighty to keep your genitals toasty you can get it from SheVibe!

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Thank you, Shevibe, for sending me the BodiSpa in exchange for an honest review!

Courtney Trouble’s Live Sex Show

I was privileged to obtain a copy of Courtney Trouble’s Live Sex Show, and I’ve had it for quite a while.  With all of the mental health hoo-ha that came up last few years, it’s no wonder that I never got around to reviewing it in a timely manner, and so when I glimpsed the DVD in one of my bins of sex stuff, I was like, “Oh shit!” So here we are in 2015, with me finally reviewing this film.  I apologize from the bottom of my heart for its lateness.

On the whole, I really like Live Sex Show. It’s sexy, the performers are clearly into it, and it covers a range of sexuality. Would I recommend it? Absolutely.  What follows is a description of the scenes, but my descriptions can’t come close to capturing the awesomeness that you experience when you watch it.

Kimberlee Cline starts off the film by performing a strip tease and solo scene. She wears a crotchless fishnet bodysuit, and goes from 0 to 60 in a very small amount of time. It’s a short, sweet, and sexy.

Peter Devries and Jolene Parton have very organic sex. It’s flowing, and doesn’t have a lot of noise other than moaning. The scene progresses naturally, and it’s filled with kissing and cuddling. I don’t have a lot of commentary about it – it’s not particularly hardcore because they don’t open up for the camera. It just looks like comfortable, intimate sex, which is something I can really appreciate since you don’t see that much compared to mainstream pornography.

April Flores begins her scene by masturbating on the floor. The Matador joins her and they have absolutely gorgeous sex. One of my favorite parts of the scene is when The Matador reaches around April and rips her fishnet tights. The oral sex during this scene is totally awesome. The Matador looks like he eats pussy like a god.

Tina Horn and Roger Wood are next up. Their scene begins with some impact play – a nice hard spanking and some flogging with what appears to be a leather flogger. Roger wields the flogger expertly, and I was really impressed with how he handled it once he got warmed up. The two use a strap on for some rough sex, and watching them fuck is glorious. Her ass ends up bright red, and Tina’s expressions really capture how she’s riding the line between pleasure and pain. One reason I love this scene is because there’s a lot of smiling and laughing. When they stop because they think they’re out of time, they’re told they can go on and so they get back to it and have more sex. Their enthusiasm is fantastic!

Nina and Jiz Lee have a brief negotiation where Nina goes over what’s good for her. Jiz announces that they shaved their legs, “which felt really kinky.” I can relate to that. Nina and Jiz get down to business, and things quickly escalate to fisting. Not a bad way to get things rolling, if you ask me. After several orgasms, Jiz fucks Nina very slowly and slaps her cunt a little bit before Nina whips out the Magic Wand.

There is a steady stream of back and forth that goes on during the Nina/Jiz scene. My favorite exchange is when Nina gives Jiz a Magic Wand. Jiz asks Nina to tease them at least once before allowing them to orgasm, and Nina says, “Oh, if you wanna do that then, no, fuck you!” as she yanks the Magic Wand away.

The scene between Jiz and Nina is probably one of my favorite scenes on the DVD. Not only does it star not one but TWO of my favorite porn stars, it’s filled with choking, fisting, slapping, dirty talk and laughter. I did notice that Nina uses the wrong pronouns for Jiz, which was a little disconcerting. There may have been any number of reasons for this, and I’m sure none of them are malicious. Maybe they didn’t talk about pronouns and so Nina didn’t know. I have no idea. It just stood out to me every time Nina used female pronouns to refer to them.

Then the Courtney Trouble gangbang starts. Jiz, Nina, April, Tina, and Roger all fuck Courtney, blindfolding them and piling on top with strap-ons, gloves, and the Magic Wand. Nina comments on how strong Courtney’s muscles are. Someone plays off that comment and makes a joke about it being horrible for anyone that tries to rape Courtney. That killed my boner a little bit. Nina says, “Consensual rape,” possibly trying to tone down the joke, but that didn’t help me get it back up. I’m sure some people probably wouldn’t even have noticed, but it stood out to me because I don’t think comments like that are funny, even when they aren’t threatening in any way. I imagine that some people who hate rape jokes wouldn’t care because it wasn’t a joke that framed rape in a positive light. I cared.

Aside from that comment making me cringe, the scene is a highly respectable gangbang, and Courtney has what sounds like a great orgasm. They even ejaculate, and I think they’re the only performer in this film who does so. 

Courtney Trouble and Carol Queen did a great job putting this together. The performers have great chemistry, everyone looks happy, and it’s hot as hell. All around I’d say it’s a win involved for everyone: the organizers, the performers, and viewers like you. If you haven’t seen it and you like the other work of any of the stars involved, I give it a 9 out of 10 and think you should buy it right now.  It’s $15 on Courtney Trouble’s web store!

As a note, if I have misgendered any of the stars of this film, please let me know in the comments so I can revise my writing.  Some of the participants don’t have much information about them on Courtney Trouble’s site or IAFD.

Tenga Iroha

As you well know, sometimes my blog has dormant periods.  That’s not really the way I want it to be all the time, but we all have lives outside of blogging, even if we don’t want to.  I was dusting off after one of these dormant periods and checking the adult news networks and I saw an article saying that Tenga’s Iroha line that was going to be released.  I was so excited I nearly wet myself.  They looked SO GOOD.  At the time the article was released it stated that Liberator was going to exclusively carry Iroha.  So I e-mailed Liberator.

Me: [eloquently] “Would you help me tickle my clitoris?”

Liberator: [silence].

I didn’t actually say it that way.  I WAS eloquent, but nowhere in my e-mail inquiry did I use the phrase “tickle my clitoris.”  And nowhere in any of yours should you include that phrase, either.  #reviewer101

But yeah, no response.  I was a little down and so I let it go for a while… then I read another article about the line and decided to go to Tenga’s website and e-mail them.  And if you ask for what you want, sometimes you might get it!

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Tenga was generous enough to send me not one, not two, but all three of the Iroha vibes to review.  I was so excited that I made Vines of myself unboxing them.  They are so beautiful.  They look like mochi, a delicious glutinous rice cake that you probably don’t want to rub all over your genitals (but if you do then more power to you, I guess).  I’m led to believe that the similarity in appearance was planned, since Tenga’s goal was to mirror their culture in the toys.  And in addition to the aesthetics of Iroha, I also appreciate the mission behind the line.  The vibes were created with the belief that masturbation should be appreciated the same way that we appreciate self care.  I support that belief 100%.  Sexual desire is a natural need and should be nurtured!

My first impressions were good all around.  They’re beautiful toys, and the packaging is attractive.  The storage for an Iroha vibrator is a case that is also a charging station.  The bases are magnetic and have little indentations for the buttons on the back of the vibrators to rest in.  I feel like this is not only much more attractive than a flimsy bag, but also promotes a sense of pride in these works of art by giving me a way to show them off.  I know that plenty of people need to keep their sex toys packed discreetly away, but for those of us that just leave them sitting around the house, it’s nice to have a little display case.

But chances are that many consumers don’t care about those details… you probably care more about how the toy feels on your genitals.  If you’re going to spend $99, I understand that – I would too.  The good news is that I can tell you!

All three vibrators have the same features.  The material is a type of food-grade silicone called Soft Touch, and it is water-resistant and dust-proof and pleasantly squishy.  These vibrators are the only sex toys in my house that haven’t attracted a metric ton of dust or hair.  If you’re a cat owner, you can probably understand my appreciation of that.  Each toy has two buttons that control four vibration modes – three speeds and a pulsing motion.

I find the vibrations to be more than agreeable.  For starters, they are quiet without sacrificing strength.  I can use the Iroha vibes in bed at night next to my sleeping partner without waking him up.  And while the vibrations aren’t the strongest I have ever felt, they more than adequately do the job for me.  I turn my vibrators up to the third setting (high speed) and that’s really the only one I need to use.  I have had an orgasm on the lower settings, but getting there takes considerably less time on the third.

My favorite toy of the bunch is Midori.  In addition to being a lovely green color, Midori has a very simple rounded shape with a nub on one end.   Midori is recommended for use on all erogenous zones.  I press that nub against my clitoris and I’m pretty sure that my vagina sings.  It provides broad stimulation instead of pinpoint, and I’ve discovered that broad stimulation is really good for me.  The nub carries the vibrations much better than the tip of Yuki, the white vibrator.

Yuki is recommended for stimulating the opening of your vagina, and while some people were dubious about that, I gave it a try and found that I liked it.  I didn’t have an orgasm from using Yuki alone, but the vibrations at the opening of my vagina were pleasurable.  I used Yuki in my vagina and Sakura on my clitoris at the same time and had a wonderful orgasm.

Sakura, the aptly-named pink vibrator, has two little arms that can be used in a pinching motion.  I had a lot of difficulty with this.  Trying to pinch my clitoris didn’t really work for me because it isn’t very prominent, but trying to pinch my nipple also wasn’t a wild success because it was slightly too large to sandwich in between the vibrator’s arms.    I could still reach climax using it, but I felt like I wasn’t really using it as was intended.  Then again, one might argue that there’s no “right” way to use a vibrator as long as you’re not letting your ass eat it or doing something else unsafe that will require medical attention.

There is something I do have to mention, though, that isn’t perfect about the Iroha vibrators.  Some of the earlier batches had a defect in the back panel where the buttons are located.  One of my toys had this defect, and the plastic panel popped out of the toy.  Not all the way out, but it protruded and despite how much I tried to push it back in, it wouldn’t stay in position.  The toy still functioned, but it was slightly annoying.  I was not the only person to notice this.

 

 

I got in touch with my contact at Tenga and he assured me that this defect has been fixed in future batches, and that the replacement of this toy will be covered by the 1-year warranty.  So if you’ve already bought a toy from the Iroha line and you’ve experienced this problem, just send it back in for warranty repairs by contacting [email protected].  I’m going to be doing this to replace my vibe that popped open.

The bottom line is that I can’t recommend the Iroha toys enough.  While the defect was a bit off-putting, the new batches seem to be holding up quite nicely, and Tenga has been very gracious about replacing the defective toys.  I think that the three Iroha vibrators are unique because they provide different options for sensation – pinching, pressing, and some internal stimulation that I think feels quite nice.  If you only buy one, my opinion is that Midori is absolutely the best.  No gimmicks there, just good vibrations.

I owe huge thanks to Tenga – they provided me the Iroha toys free of charge in exchange for an honest review, and they have been very helpful and patient with me!  Be sure to check out the Iroha website if you’re interested in learning more about these toys!  And if you’re going to buy the Iroha toys, SheVibe has them!  Yay SheVibe!

The Leaf Life

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Hello!  It’s been a while, hasn’t it?  I’ve been very busy and I’m also knee deep in sex toys, so I’m playing catch-up.  This is good news for you, my readers, because it means CONTENT!

First up: the Leaf Life.  The Life is a product that I’ve lusted after since I first heard about it.  It comes in a nice eco-friendly-looking box with a charging cord and a bag to hold it.  It’s attractive, ergonomic, and a beautiful shade of green.  It is made out of medical-grade silicone.  It has a single button that is located under the skin, so the entire toy has a largely seamless appearance.  It’s rechargeable AND waterproof.  The Life goes from 0 to 60 at the push of a button – you just hold it down to increase the speed, and the maximum speed is pretty great.  By all accounts, this toy is uber impressive, and it should be an orgasm machine.

But it doesn’t get me off.

Well, that’s not wholly true.  It got me off a few times, but each of those times took FOREVER.  Which is, for me, the equivalent of not getting off.  I mean, sometimes it’s fun to take an hour to reach orgasm, but it gets dull when you aren’t getting the gratification you want.  As a side note, I look back at some of my first blog posts and find that it’s hilarious that I have gone from, “Yay, a toy made me orgasm!” to, “Boo, why is it taking 20 minutes for me to come?”

When you’ve become accustomed to having speedy orgasms, sometimes you find yourself sitting there, not orgasming, with genitals stuffed to the brim with sex paraphernalia and you’re like, “Maybe I should go make a sandwich or something.”  One time I actually fell asleep for a few minutes while it was on and between my legs.  And this just in: apparently yelling “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” at the top of your lungs in the general direction of your genitals doesn’t make you reach orgasm more quickly.  Who knew?

The bottom line is that if I’m hoping to get off in ten to twenty minutes or less, I have learned that I just can’t reach for this toy.  And that’s hard for me, from a reviewer’s standpoint.  I can’t say that this is a bad toy, because it’s actually a very good toy from a technical standpoint – it is attractive, it boasts a fair amount of power, and I think it’s pretty well-designed.  I like it as a device, and I desperately want to have orgasms with it, but it just isn’t very effective for me.

What this toy did do for me was help me gain some perspective on what I need in a vibrator.  At the same time that I was reviewing this toy I also received the Tenga Iroha line to review (you’ll get to read that soon, I promise).  While the Life was faster than the Iroha vibrators, the Iroha toys got me off in ways that the Life just couldn’t.  The key difference, I think, is that the Iroha vibrators cover a broad surface area, whereas the Life has a really small tip.  The Life is clearly meant to offer pinpoint stimulation, and I think that’s what just doesn’t do it for me.  In retrospect, Epiphora noted the nature of the pinpoint stimulation in her review… but when I asked to review the Life I had no idea what kind of stimulation I liked.  So while I’m sad that I’m not a pinpoint-stimulation kind of person who can fully enjoy this beautiful sex toy, I am happy that I’ve learned a bit more about my body.

I don’t recommend buying it if you know you prefer broad stimulation.  If you aren’t sure if you like pinpoint stimulation, I would look for a cheaper alternative to try first before I dropped $99 on the Life.  While it’s an attractive toy to have in your toybox, you probably want to get some orgasms out of it, too.

If you’re disappointed that I haven’t trashed the toy in this review, I suppose I can touch on couple things… there’s a barely-perceptible seam along the bottom of the toy, but it doesn’t bother me during use or cleaning.  The only (minor) flaw I’ve found is that the Life is a little bit vroom-y in terms of sound.  It isn’t the loudest toy I’ve ever heard, but it’s not the quietest, either.  It’s just kind of buzzy.  I think the sound that it puts out is fair for the power you get from it.  I wouldn’t use it when I’m masturbating in bed at night beside my sleeping fiance, though.  (By the way, I can’t be the only person in the world that asks, “Can I masturbate beside someone with this toy without them noticing,” right?)

If you like pinpoint stimulation, sleek ergonomic design, feeling good about buying eco-friendly, and that sexy, sexy shade of green, you can get the Leaf Life at Shevibe.  Go forth, my minions, and shop!

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The Leaf Life was graciously provided to me for free by Shevibe in exchange for an honest review.

The New York Toy Collective Shilo + Love Bump

shilobumpPackers are very special to me.  As someone who has always wanted a penis, nothing gives me more glee than having my own dick, however fake it may be.  New York Toy Collective is a sex-positive novelty company that was founded just last year.  Their products are made from premium platinum base silicone and are intended to be self-affirming gender expression tools.  SheVibe was kind enough to send me the Shilo Pack & Play and The Love Bump.

 

The Shilo Pack & Play is a dual-purpose packer that can be worn for packing (obviously) or for sex.  The Shilo seems to be dual-density, with a bendable rod hidden beneath the firm inner core.  This rod allows you to position the Shilo however you like: straight forward, curved up or down, hanging a little low and to the left… whatever suits your needs.  The Shilo isn’t the first packer to be posable, but that level of posability seems kind of ingenious for an insertable toy.  I’ll talk about why I emphasize seems in a moment.

The Shilo

My first impression of the Shilo was mixed.  On one hand, it’s cool as hell, there’s no denying that.  On the other hand, I was astonished by just how large it was, and the base seemed pretty huge.  Trying to wear the packer without a harness didn’t work for me because my front isn’t very flat, so the base stuck out and created an unnatural, decidedly un-dick-like bulge in the front of my panties.  I’m forced to wear this thing with a harness if I want to wear it comfortably or leave the house in it.  Fortunately, I have my handy-dandy Joque, or I would be a very, very sad Shilo owner.  The Shilo comes in four colors, and the one you see in my pictures if called cashew.

More on the length: That’s six inches of dick that you’re stuffing in your pants.  Six inches all the time.  Not three soft and six hard.  It can seem overwhelming at first if your last packer was comparatively shorter and much softer (as mine was).  Your best bet with the Shilo is to tuck it between your thighs.  When I was wearing the Shilo with the Love Bump, tucking the Shilo between my fat thighs was somewhat uncomfortable.  The Love Bump was just in the way.  If you’re going for realism, though, then you can’t get any better than that.

The silicone is awesome, too.  I’ve been told it feels comparable to VixSkin, but since I don’t own any VixSkin dildos, I can’t make that comparison for you.  I do, however, own a Tantus Cush O2, and I can tell you that outer layer of the Shilo is considerably squishier than the Cush.  When I inserted the Shilo, the material felt great.  That squishy outer layer is pleasant, and the head is kind of pronounced, which is wonderful when you’re thrusting.  However, here’s where the “seems ingenious for an insertable toy” thing comes in.  If you’re using the Shilo as a strap-on with a partner, the posability isn’t much of a problem – you can just keep the toy rigid with your hand.  If you use the Shilo on yourself, there’s going to be some fumbling, because that bendable rod in the core will try to bend as you push the toy against yourself.  It’s not a huge inconvenience, but if you have dreams of being able to use the Shilo like a curved dildo, they’re going to be shattered.  Even if you manage to maintain the bent shape during insertion, the bend will probably straighten back out during use.  There’s nothing wrong with a straight dildo – I have plenty of them and I love them – but if you’re hoping that the posability will be a game-changer in the bedroom, I think you’re going to be disappointed.

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The Love Bump

The Love Bump is kind of ridiculous looking.  It’s a pair of balls.  It reminds me of stretched earlobes, except… you know.  With balls.  And stuff.  The Love Bump comes with a removable bullet vibrator that fits into a small hole located on the side of the balls.  New York Toy Collective suggests the Love Bump for added realism, added stimulation, and extra cushioning when having sex.  When I used the Shilo on myself with the Love Bump attached, the balls mostly got in the way.  However, that was masturbation, and you have to consider that this dildo is geared more toward packing and couples’ play than it is toward solo play.

Do I think the Shilo is worth it?  TOTALLY.  I haven’t sampled enough packers to call the Shilo the ultimate packer, but it’s pretty freakin’ awesome.  If you’re looking for gender expression tools you can pack and play with, I urge you to pick up the Shilo and the Love Bump at Shevibe. My Shilo came in the color “cashew,” but now they make awesomely-colored versions like a Shilo in blue and yellow and a Love Bump in pink.

 

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Janine the Anthro Dragoness

The re-released Bad Dragon Janine the Anthro Dragonness

Bad Dragon recently released a brand-spankin’ new version of one of their masturbation sleeves, Janine the Anthro Dragoness.  I’ve been in lust with Bad Dragon for a long time, so I was very excited to have an opportunity to review the new Janine.  There was only one problem… I don’t have a working penis.

But my partner does!  And so without further ado, I present to you my partner’s review of the new Janine:

So, caveat before I begin: I’m not a sex toy reviewer. I’m not aware of any of the etiquette or niceties of the craft. I’m going to tell you what I thought, because that’s what I was asked to do. It may not work for you. Different people with different physical logistics and different needs may not feel the same way I did.

First, Janine is a masturbation sleeve. I’ve quietly and discreetly looked at sleeves before, back in my single days. Thanks to Zack and Miri Make a Porno I heard about the Fleshlight for the first time, and didn’t even realize before that there were sex toys for men. I guess I kind of always assumed there were, but I’m a simple kind of guy. I don’t like to complicate my “me time.” In fact, maybe because of the way male masturbation is a subject of both jokes and demonization, my “me time” used to be as quick as possible. Even living alone, it wasn’t an act I tried to draw out for extended pleasure time. It was a means to an end for relief. A scratch to an itch.

Janine is not a dragon vagina, per se. From a biological standpoint, if dragons had anything it would be a cloaca – assuming dragons are like most reptiles. And while it might be neat to fuck a cloaca, I doubt there’d be a dragon small enough that you wouldn’t outright fall into its cloaca during a sexual encounter. So this sleeve is a dark-colored, squishy (think stress ball squishy, but for your dick) human-esque vagina, complete with a tiny hood and tiny dragon clit. Just like in Skyrim.

The top of Janine is surrounded by a crown of scale-shaped silicone, which other than the color is the only thing dragon-esque about the sleeve. Which is OK with me. I’m here for the fucking, not the gimmick. The top is shaped with a nice curve above the hood and below the opening that fits neatly both against my balls and my pelvis, providing the right pressure in the right places that regular intercourse does.

I’ve used the sleeve with two kinds of water-based lube so far. It’s really important to lube the opening and inside of the sleeve and run a little on your cock before insertion. Otherwise you’re in for the silicone equivalent of carpet burn. I got hard and slid on in.

My first impression is that it was kind of weird, because I’ve never used a sleeve before. The insertion itself isn’t a real “wow” experience, as Janine has no special textures inside designed for pleasure that I can feel. The opening was about the size of my head. I used the sleeve a few times, and each time I felt like I kind of had to shove it in to get past my head, but then it was fine once I got going.

Where it shines is ergonomics and suction. The sleeve itself looks like someone took a large black dildo and cut off the tip, then drilled out the middle for you to fuck it. It’s a little heavy, but you’ll appreciate that weight once it’s on your dick. Since it’s shaped like a cock, it fits nicely in one or two hands (I have big hands, I can see someone with smaller hands needing to use two) and operation is pretty similar to how I masturbate, only it feels way better than my hand would.

The stylized end is, of course, the vagina-shaped opening, and the other end is just a tiny hole that I assume is there to make sure your dick doesn’t get stuck in it from suction. On the other hand, you can squeeze the sleeve while you’re inside it both on or above your penis and the suction gives you that eyes-rolling-back-biting-my-lower-lip-deep-moan pleasure. Thrust, squeeze, slide, release, rinse, repeat. It feels great from lying on my back and I also tried fucking it from on top – for me it’s a pretty good way to get off. And the toy reminds me I’m doing this for my pleasure, it’s not just an itch that needs scratching – I can take my time.

NewOnLeftOldOnRightAnd there’s your firsthand account of Janine!  From a sex toy enthusiast standpoint, I can tell it’s a pretty high quality toy.  How does it differ from the original Janine?  Well, most prominently, it’s bigger.  We don’t have an original Janine, but Bad Dragon sent some very convenient comparison photos.  In the photo you see here, the original Janine is that smaller toy on the right and the new Janine is the on the left.  That’s a lot more bang for your buck!

We owe a huge thank you to Bad Dragon for providing us with Janine in exchange for a review!  I strongly encourage you to visit Bad Dragon and check out all of their quality products.

The LELO Mia 2: Electric Boogaloo

LELO Mia 2This is a review that I’m kind of disappointed to be writing.

I was dying to try a USB rechargeable vibrator. Since I agreed to dive into Nymphomaniac Ness’ orgasm diet plan, a USB rechargeable vibe seemed the most sensible toy for the task.  Plug it in, take it with me, get off instead of mindlessly snacking, charge it wherever I can find a USB port. Easy, right?  In theory, yes. In practice, no. Not with the Mia 2.

SheVibe was lovely enough to send me LELO’s Mia 2 USB rechargeable lipstick vibe. The Mia 2 boasts that it has more power than the first Mia, and that power increase gave me a lot of hope. If there’s one thing I need from my vibrators, it is power.

Unfortunately, that power increase didn’t mean much to me. While I’m sure it’s better than the first Mia was, it still wasn’t good enough.

When I initially turned the Mia on for the first time, it seemed like it was reasonably powerful. The charge time isn’t too bad. I’m pretty sure that the instructions told me to charge the Mia for the first time for 2 hours. You’re supposed to be able to get an hour and a half of vibration out of a fully-charged Mia.  The Mia 2 has 6 vibration patterns, which are inevitably wasted on a one-trick pony like me. I like it strong and consistent, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the fact that I have options. And like the Picobong Kiki (I never thought I would bring up anything good about the Picobong Kiki, and I certainly never expected to compare to to a full-blown LELO product), the Mia has one vibration pattern that’s very musical. That gimmick never gets old to me. I can spend a LOT of time listening to a vibrator. I could have my own show: The Vibe Whisperer.  Television producers, look no further, your ratings booster is here.

Anyway, straight out of the box with all the settings laid out before me, I was impressed. And then I tried it on my clit.

It’s not that the Mia doesn’t feel good. Of course it feels good! It just doesn’t feel THAT good.  I constantly use the Mia on full power and just don’t get very much out of it.

The first time I used the Mia, I watched porn for 25 or 30 minutes and I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get off.  I noticed the vibrations at first, but after a while I grew accustomed to how they felt and stopped getting any pleasure from the Mia at all.  I finally switched to some different porn, which helped, but on the whole that entire masturbation session (in which I only used the Mia) took me about 45 minutes.  And when it finally hit me, the orgasm didn’t leave me breathless – it just left me, period.

LELO Mia 2Now, I’m all for “self-loving” masturbation, but for me, there is a difference between jacking off and settling in for an extended masturbation session.  When I jack off, I don’t want to sit there for 30 minutes waiting for an orgasm to show up out of the blue.  Sometimes, especially when I’m feeling dysphoric, I want to get in, come once, and get out and be done with the whole affair.  I’m not going to reach for the Mia when I’m jerking it under those circumstances because it just takes too long.  But because I don’t find the Mia very stimulating, I’m probably not going to use it for extended periods of masturbation, either.  I’m going to reach for a stronger vibrator that feels more present than the Mia does.  If it can’t keep my attention, it doesn’t belong near my vagina.

I used the Mia for a week straight.  Toward the end of the week, I would give up after 20 minutes or so and pull out the big guns.  I’ve tried using both sides of the Mia on my clit and while the bottom definitely feels more stimulating than the lid (for obvious reasons), it just doesn’t do it for me.The most fun I had with the Mia 2 was with my partner.  He had me bent over on my knees, blindfolded, and used it on me.   Despite being enjoyable, it still didn’t bring me to orgasm.  If it takes being deprived of one of my senses for me to adequately enjoy the Mia, then we just aren’t meant to be together.

One thing I really like about the Mia is that it’s been relatively easy to clean.  Since it’s waterproof, I can just throw the whole shebang in the sink.  I was worried that the buttons would trap gunk and be difficult to clean, but that hasn’t been the case.  That’s not really enough to work the Mia into my regular sex toy rotation, though.  [Edit: Dangerous Lilly pointed out in the comments that her Mia 2 does trap gunk in the buttons.  I think mine probably didn’t because it doesn’t really do much for me.]

I have very specific needs, and apparently a lot of power is one of those needs.  The Hitachi isn’t the only vibrator that brings me to orgasm – it’s one of several vibrators that gets the job done better than the Mia ever could.  Maybe the Mia couldn’t provide me with enough power because it’s USB rechargeable.  Maybe the Mia’s stimulation style – pinpoint – isn’t what I need.  Plenty of people love the Mia 2, so this is clearly a matter of taste.  Whatever the reason, though, it just isn’t for me.  If you like pinpoint stimulation and don’t require T-rex strength vibrations, then the Mia 2 has a better chance of working for you than it did for me.

Thank you so much for sending me the Mia 2 to review, SheVibe!

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The Lovehoney Sqweel 2

sqweel_wholeWhen I pulled the Lovehoney Sqweel out initially, I was surprised at how big it was (Epiphora called it a vulva hog), and I was also like, “Oh shit, it has a user guide. Either this guide will go to waste, or this won’t end well.” And it turns out that the user guide didn’t go to waste, because I needed it.

I thought I only needed two AAAs, and I was very disappointed when it didn’t work once I had inserted them. Turns out that you need three. Once I put the batteries in, the Sqweel started automatically (probably because I pressed each and every button several times to see if it needed batteries) and I was like, “OH GOD, HOW DO I TURN IT OFF?” It didn’t take long to figure out that you have to hold down the “on” button, but it was still surprising when I hit the on button and the thing sped up instead of turning off.

The point is, there was a lot of yelling when I unboxed this toy. There’s a little lock switch on the device and, before I read the user guide, I flipped it and was shocked as hell when I pulled the front panel of the toy off.

Now I have a confession… I cannot use the Sqweel.

Well, that isn’t true. I can use the Sqweel, but only with help.

I was seduced by the item’s description.

Boasting 3 titillating rotation speeds at each setting, this luxurious lapping machine offers an experience close to real oral sex sessions.

and:

Explore the reverse mode, which sends the silicone wheel spinning in the opposite direction, and the flicker setting that moves the wheel back and forth across your clitoris for satisfying cunnilingus. In total, you have 9 exciting options for play.

So seduced, in fact, that I didn’t stop to think about how the Sqweel  would interact with my anatomy.  I didn’t read any reviews because I wanted to start this review with an unbiased opinion.  While I knew the Sqweel probably wouldn’t feel like real oral sex, I was counting on the fact that it wouldn’t feel anything like a vibrator. I wanted simulated cunnilingus, and I wanted it ASAP, damn it! So I asked to review the Sqweel and waited impatiently for it to arrive.

The Lovehoney Sqweel You can imagine, then, how distressing it was when I couldn’t quite part my labia enough for the Sqweel to work. I could spread myself a little bit with one hand while the other held the Sqweel, but that wasn’t enough to allow the tongues to rotate. I tried a couple different positions. I tried to spread myself with both hands and leave it sitting in front of me, but it wouldn’t stay in place well enough without me pushing it toward my body.  All that waiting and I couldn’t use it.

I was pretty depressed. I have a very complicated relationship with my vagina, and the amount of time I have spent wishing that I could sew it shut or swap it out for a penis is… extensive. Being unable to use a toy because of my shape was infuriating, but all my anger was directed at my vulva and myself.

I should have been more conscious of my anatomy when I was considering this toy. If you have really prominent or fleshy labia that you have to hold back to allow access to your clitoris (I have what some might call a “fat cunt”), then the Sqweel isn’t the toy for you if you plan on using it alone. I hate to be the one to tell you that, but I don’t want you to spend $60 only to find that you can’t use the Sqweel without another person present.

If you have labia that will stay back when you push them back, you’ll probably have no problem with the Sqweel.  Similarly, if your labia don’t conceal your clit, you’ll probably be fine.  You probably also want to have a decently-sized clitoris to use it.  I have a relatively small clitoris that takes a while to get engorged, so the Sqweel was not the perfect toy for me, because it didn’t even get to my clit half of the time.  I also have a vertical clitoral hood piercing that’s a little bit long, and so I was terrified that the extra length of my barbell would get pulled into the Sqweel.  It didn’t, but the concern was very real.  The toy didn’t yank anything out, not even pubic hair, despite that being one of Epiphora’s complaints about it.

_IGP7200My partner was kind enough to help me use the Sqweel.  I parted my labia and he held it against me.  It’s certainly a unique sensation.  It definitely doesn’t feel like any oral sex I’ve ever had, but it doesn’t feel like any vibrator, either.  It kind of feels like your genitals are being gently slapped repeatedly.  It’s more pleasurable than it sounds.

Depending on where you hold the Sqweel, it also tickles a little bit.  The entire thing was just… okay.  I said, “God, that’s WEIRD,” repeatedly during its use.  I imagine that I would have gotten more out of it if I had a more prominent clitoris.  The unique sensation seems like it would have been stellar if the Sqweel was capable of stimulating me more.  But with my clitoris being what it is, I was not blown away.

Since I can’t use this toy on my own (not the toy’s fault) and my clitoris isn’t a good size for stimulation (also not the toy’s fault), I’m probably not going to pull out the Sqweel very often.  I might give it a go a few more times in the future when the mood strikes, but because of the circumstances, the Sqweel pretty much can’t earn a place in my heart.  And that honestly makes me sad, because there aren’t many things like the Sqweel on the market.  I can only recommend this toy if your anatomy meets certain requirements.  If you’re interested in trying it out, you can get it here.  If the toy doesn’t work for you, Lovehoney has a very generous 100 day return policy, so don’t feel like you’re shit out of luck if you try it and don’t like it!

Thank you, Lovehoney, for sending me the Lovehoney Sqweel 2 to review!

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Sister Act: The Divine Interventions Diving Nun

Divine Interventions.  If you’re a sex blogger, you’ve probably heard of them.  Maybe you visited their site to see if they really had a Baby Jesus Butt Plug.  Maybe you wanted to write them an angry letter (or a love letter) after you saw my picture of their Holy Water Lube (“So blessedly good even God uses it!”)  Maybe you’ve never heard of them.  Get in the car and buckle your sweet ass in, because we are going to take a ride together.

This is the Diving Nun.

Your first impression is probably, “That can’t be a dildo.”

Your first impression is right.  It isn’t “a dildo.”

It’s an AMAZING dildo.   The distinction is important.

The Diving Nun is made from a supple, flexible silicone and features a nice, wide base that suctions to a surface when you slam it down.  If you’re anything like me, this means that it will find a home on your coffee table and in your heart.

side

As you can see, the Nun has a beastly curve and some wicked wrinkles in her wimple.  Do not let these ridges intimidate you.  If you warm up, lube up, and start slowly, you’ll have no problem with the Diving Nun at all.  Do not do what I did.  When this dildo arrived at my home, my Nun timeline looked something like this:

  1. The honeymoon phase.  The Nun arrived and I waved it around, stuck it to things, photographed it, admired it, and spent a great deal of time being deeply in dildo-love with it.  I took it to the bedroom.
  2. Our first fight.  I spent a few seconds lubing the Nun up, then I unceremoniously jammed it in the general direction of my vagina.  That sucker wasn’t going in.  It’s an enormous dildo.  I have plenty of experience with enormous dildos, but I had to try it without warming up FOR SCIENCE.  At least I tell myself it was for science… but it’s more like I couldn’t think in the haze of my dildo lust.  It was quite a scene.  I spent a great deal of time painstakingly jamming it, inch by inch, into myself.  Like the first time I used the Rippler without warming up first, it was not pleasant.  Not pleasant at all.
  3. Make-up sex.  Once things got going and the juices got flowing, fucking the Diving Nun gradually became more pleasurable.  In fact, after a certain point, it stopped riding the line between pleasure and pain and it just felt good.  We made up – I forgave it for hurting my vagina and it forgave me for my inability to think critically about the best time to use certain dildos.

You can definitely feel the Nun’s ridges when you use it.  In subsequent uses of the Nun, I warmed up with another dildo beforehand.  After that warm-up, inserting the Diving Nun was easy, and I had an incredibly enjoyable experience.  Don’t think that I love the Nun unconditionally, though.  I have a couple minor complaints.  The base is huge, which is great for suctioning the dildo, but not so great for holding.  Because it’s flexible, I -can- hold it, but I either have to spread my hand out across the base to do that, or have to get a flimsy grip on part of the base and use that to move it in and out.  The first time I used the Nun, my wrist got really sore.  Really sore.  While that could very easily have been a carpal tunnel flare-up, I think it probably has more to do with the amount of time I spent with my hand spread in an awkward position.

head

Due to my wrist pain, and in an attempt to work smarter rather than harder, I opted to ride the Diving Nun instead of using my hands. It wasn’t easy. I don’t have a very good surface to stick the Nun on, so the suction cup – which works well – didn’t really benefit me at all.  Because of how steep the curve of the dildo is, the only method I could contrive was standing at the edge of my bed and backing up and down on it. And sure, it felt good, but that also took more work. I was hoping to be able to hump it, not do squats. (As someone who has never done a squat in her life I should add that I’m not entirely sure how a squat works, but I imagine that it works like what I did.)

I can overlook the wrist pain and the challenge of standing use because of what it’s like to clench your muscles around the Diving Nun.  Simply put, it’s delicious.  The Nun is filling and textured.  The first time I used the Nun, I combined it with my Hitachi and had an orgasm that was so good that it was nearly painful.  You read that right: so good that it almost hurt.  While the other orgasms I’ve had with the nun haven’t been quite as exquisite as the first, they’re still pretty damn good.

The nun also hits my G-spot in a pleasant manner.  I find it difficult to ejaculate when I’m only enjoying G-spot stimulation, but I felt very close to squirting a number of times while I was using the Nun.  My G-spot, though, is very fickle, so I have a difficult time figuring out how to prolong or recreate certain types of G-spot stimulation that are very enjoyable.

Ultimately, the cons of the Diving Nun (the steep curve making it a bit difficult to ride, the base being slightly challenging to hold) are outweighed by the fact that the Nun just feels amazing.  It’s fantastic for thrusting at any speed!  It hits my G-spot!  It’s shaped like a nun!  It’s 1 3/4 inches in diameter, 7 3/4 inches long, and 100% glorious.

 If you’ve got a sense of humor regarding sex toys and matters of sacrilege, I encourage you to check out Divine Interventions.  Their descriptions are clever and their products are 100% unique.  There are also some pretty cool non-denominational dildos for those of you who are more… respectful.  (I can think of a few people I know that would, for example, dig the Celtic… you know who you are.)  And, of course, there’s always the Holy Water Lube… no glycerin, no parabens, DEA free and 100% vegan.  I hear that there are even safer lubricants that exist, but the Holy Water Lube is unquestionably the most body-friendly lubricant in my drawer.

Thank you so much, Divine Interventions, for providing me with a Diving Nun in exchange for an honest review!

The bNaughty Unleashed

The bNaughty Unleashed

The bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator is a remote-controlled vibrating bullet egg.  An egg.  The thing is enormous.  It’s longer than most eggs, but not quite as rounded.

To be honest with you, I’m not quite sure what they’re unleashing.  I have an original bNaughty (we’re talking about the corded classic before they did the redesign), and I don’t think the Unleashed offers much more power than the original.

Wait.  “Unleashed” as in untethered.  Got it.  Suddenly I realize why my expectations weren’t quite met.

But aside from being literally unleashed, the bNaughty Unleashed still isn’t especially powerful.  It comes with 7 settings: 1 – 3 are constant vibrations at different speeds.  4 begins by ramping up, vibrates constantly for a few seconds, then ramps back up from the beginning again.  5 is constant pulsing.  6 is the same constant pulsing, except faster.  7 is a constant vibration that begins by pulsing three times.  The vibrations are buzzy, and while they’re capable of getting me off when I use the vibrator clitorally, I wouldn’t call the ensuing orgasm “spectacular” by any means.

If you’re more into buzzy vibrations than I am, you might find that you have more fun with this toy.  The vibrations are also loud.  They aren’t Hitachi-loud, but they definitely aren’t whisper-quiet.  A lot of people imagine going out in public with a wireless bullet in their panties and the remote in their partner’s hand.  You won’t be doing that with this vibe.  For starters, the massive egg and its little tail would be inconvenient to shove in your underwear and keep in place.  But really, the biggest problem is the noise.  You’d have to go to a rave for the noise this thing makes to go unnoticed.20130311_210658

The vibrator is controlled by the little black remote.  The bottom button powers the vibe on and off, and the top button changes the vibration settings.  The little display is actually kind of neat – it tells you what setting you’re on by displaying a number in the upper-right-hand corner, and the little flower in the center of the display has different segments that light up in time with the vibration you’re on.

This vibrator just didn’t work very well for me.  Sure, I got off, but I didn’t enjoy it too much.  For starters, I have my clitoral hood pierced and had to keep repositioning the bullet so it didn’t rattle against my jewelry.  The egg’s tip is slightly pointed, which is definitely better than what you find on most vibrating bullets, but the tip still isn’t defined enough for me to really get the kind of pinpoint stimulation that I enjoy the most.

The vibrating egg also has a seam.  Two seams – one where the egg opens up to reveal the battery compartment, and one on the backside of the plastic strip that holds the batteries in.  You’ll need something very thin (a needle, maybe – a fingernail doesn’t get it all out) to clean the seam.  I don’t like the seam.  It would be one thing if the bNaughty Unleashed brought me to a roaring orgasm – that seems like a fair trade for the cleaning time.

I have another gripe, too.  It DIED ON ME20130225_143025.

I used the bNaughty Unleashed roughly three times, and not for very long masturbation sessions.  When I went to write this review, I fished it out of its bag (did I mention it comes with a little black pouch?  It comes with a little black pouch), went to turn it on, and nothing happened.  I tried replacing the batteries in the bullet and it still didn’t work.  I had to change the remote battery as well.  The device takes three batteries – the remote takes one A23 battery, and the bullet takes two N batteries.  Kudos on finding the most obscure batteries you can think of, bSwish.

Also, if you don’t have nails long enough to get under the remote battery, good luck fishing it out.  I had to wait until I had long nails again before I could swap out the remote battery… absolutely ridiculous.  Every inanimate object that I used in an attempt to pop the battery out was useless to me, yet the battery came out easily when I slid my nail under it.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m a little bit resentful about the battery hubbub.  I can usually get at least 5 uses out of a vibrator before it starts to go south… usually many more than that, to be honest.  But this thing threw in the towel after three short rounds.  Does it just eat batteries?  Were the batteries that came with it just bad?  Who can say?

My ultimate verdict is that the bNaughty Unleashed isn’t for me.  It doesn’t blow my mind.  It’s just kind of “meh.”  If I want to use a battery-operated vibrator, I have a different go-to vibe that is buzzy, but actually feels really good.  My go-to vibe is also more quiet than the bNaughty Unleashed.  I’m not going to lie: it’s nice to have a wireless remote in your hand or beside you on the bed so that you aren’t constantly tethered to your groin, but most bullets that I have used have cords that are long enough for me to not feel too inconvenienced.  The remote doesn’t make this vibe worth it for me.  If you don’t mind the noise, the buzziness, and don’t require a TON of pinpoint stimulation, this will probably give you an orgasm if you’re in the market for a wireless vibrator… but probably not the best orgasm of your life.  I can think of some better uses for this vibe:

  • Play a game of hide-the-vibe where your partner has to find it.
  • Scare your partner by hiding it under their pillow and switching it on at bedtime.
  • Scare guests by sewing a little mouse or snake costume on it and randomly switching it on to let it rattle across the floor.
  • Baffle your housemates by leaving it on and hiding it somewhere so that they will periodically ask, “Do you hear vibrating?” and you can say, “No, why?”

Maybe I’m just an asshole.

A big thank you goes out to Good Vibrations for providing me with the bNaughty Unleashed Premium Wireless Bullet Vibrator to review!

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