The Lovehoney Sqweel 2

sqweel_wholeWhen I pulled the Lovehoney Sqweel out initially, I was surprised at how big it was (Epiphora called it a vulva hog), and I was also like, “Oh shit, it has a user guide. Either this guide will go to waste, or this won’t end well.” And it turns out that the user guide didn’t go to waste, because I needed it.

I thought I only needed two AAAs, and I was very disappointed when it didn’t work once I had inserted them. Turns out that you need three. Once I put the batteries in, the Sqweel started automatically (probably because I pressed each and every button several times to see if it needed batteries) and I was like, “OH GOD, HOW DO I TURN IT OFF?” It didn’t take long to figure out that you have to hold down the “on” button, but it was still surprising when I hit the on button and the thing sped up instead of turning off.

The point is, there was a lot of yelling when I unboxed this toy. There’s a little lock switch on the device and, before I read the user guide, I flipped it and was shocked as hell when I pulled the front panel of the toy off.

Now I have a confession… I cannot use the Sqweel.

Well, that isn’t true. I can use the Sqweel, but only with help.

I was seduced by the item’s description.

Boasting 3 titillating rotation speeds at each setting, this luxurious lapping machine offers an experience close to real oral sex sessions.

and:

Explore the reverse mode, which sends the silicone wheel spinning in the opposite direction, and the flicker setting that moves the wheel back and forth across your clitoris for satisfying cunnilingus. In total, you have 9 exciting options for play.

So seduced, in fact, that I didn’t stop to think about how the Sqweel  would interact with my anatomy.  I didn’t read any reviews because I wanted to start this review with an unbiased opinion.  While I knew the Sqweel probably wouldn’t feel like real oral sex, I was counting on the fact that it wouldn’t feel anything like a vibrator. I wanted simulated cunnilingus, and I wanted it ASAP, damn it! So I asked to review the Sqweel and waited impatiently for it to arrive.

The Lovehoney Sqweel You can imagine, then, how distressing it was when I couldn’t quite part my labia enough for the Sqweel to work. I could spread myself a little bit with one hand while the other held the Sqweel, but that wasn’t enough to allow the tongues to rotate. I tried a couple different positions. I tried to spread myself with both hands and leave it sitting in front of me, but it wouldn’t stay in place well enough without me pushing it toward my body.  All that waiting and I couldn’t use it.

I was pretty depressed. I have a very complicated relationship with my vagina, and the amount of time I have spent wishing that I could sew it shut or swap it out for a penis is… extensive. Being unable to use a toy because of my shape was infuriating, but all my anger was directed at my vulva and myself.

I should have been more conscious of my anatomy when I was considering this toy. If you have really prominent or fleshy labia that you have to hold back to allow access to your clitoris (I have what some might call a “fat cunt”), then the Sqweel isn’t the toy for you if you plan on using it alone. I hate to be the one to tell you that, but I don’t want you to spend $60 only to find that you can’t use the Sqweel without another person present.

If you have labia that will stay back when you push them back, you’ll probably have no problem with the Sqweel.  Similarly, if your labia don’t conceal your clit, you’ll probably be fine.  You probably also want to have a decently-sized clitoris to use it.  I have a relatively small clitoris that takes a while to get engorged, so the Sqweel was not the perfect toy for me, because it didn’t even get to my clit half of the time.  I also have a vertical clitoral hood piercing that’s a little bit long, and so I was terrified that the extra length of my barbell would get pulled into the Sqweel.  It didn’t, but the concern was very real.  The toy didn’t yank anything out, not even pubic hair, despite that being one of Epiphora’s complaints about it.

_IGP7200My partner was kind enough to help me use the Sqweel.  I parted my labia and he held it against me.  It’s certainly a unique sensation.  It definitely doesn’t feel like any oral sex I’ve ever had, but it doesn’t feel like any vibrator, either.  It kind of feels like your genitals are being gently slapped repeatedly.  It’s more pleasurable than it sounds.

Depending on where you hold the Sqweel, it also tickles a little bit.  The entire thing was just… okay.  I said, “God, that’s WEIRD,” repeatedly during its use.  I imagine that I would have gotten more out of it if I had a more prominent clitoris.  The unique sensation seems like it would have been stellar if the Sqweel was capable of stimulating me more.  But with my clitoris being what it is, I was not blown away.

Since I can’t use this toy on my own (not the toy’s fault) and my clitoris isn’t a good size for stimulation (also not the toy’s fault), I’m probably not going to pull out the Sqweel very often.  I might give it a go a few more times in the future when the mood strikes, but because of the circumstances, the Sqweel pretty much can’t earn a place in my heart.  And that honestly makes me sad, because there aren’t many things like the Sqweel on the market.  I can only recommend this toy if your anatomy meets certain requirements.  If you’re interested in trying it out, you can get it here.  If the toy doesn’t work for you, Lovehoney has a very generous 100 day return policy, so don’t feel like you’re shit out of luck if you try it and don’t like it!

Thank you, Lovehoney, for sending me the Lovehoney Sqweel 2 to review!

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Luv My Box – November

Luv My Box is a neat idea.  Seemingly geared toward couples, Luv My Box allows you to pay $34.95 to receive a that month’s bundle of joy on your doorstep.  You can even buy a 3-month subscription to save $5, and I think that being able to buy a subscription to sex toys is pretty cool.

Luv My Box is also selling (gendered) holiday boxes for $20!  They recommend buying them for friends, colleagues, sisters, or that secret crush.  For obvious reasons, I do not recommend buying a box of mystery sex toys for your colleague or your secret crush.  I think a good rule of thumb is that if you can give them sex toys without getting smacked, fired, or accused of sexual harassment, then a Luv My Box holiday box is an acceptable gift.

Anyway, I was sent November’s box to review, and with previous themes such as light bondage (restraints, blindfold, tickler, and a bottle of Sliquid) and bathtime (an I Rub My Ducky vibrator, bath foam, two different soaps, a loofah, and massage/bath oil), you can imagine how eager I was to see what would be in mine.  It arrived in discreet packaging (I seriously had no idea what it was when it turned up on my doorstep), and inside I found a little black cardboard box filled with pink paper, black confetti, and goodies.

Image courtesy of LuvMyBox – theirs was way better than mine!

Breaking It Down:

Doc Johnson’s Good Head Oral Delight Gel

I thought Good Head would be a cooling gel for oral sex.  I was wrong.  Good Head is just Doc Johnson’s answer to, “Why doesn’t dick taste less like dick and more like a mint leaf?”

Oral Sex Dice

They say “privates” to refer to your genitals.  Enough said.

Screaming O Ringo Cock Ring

“GET THIS COCK TOURNIQUET OFF ME!”

Cock rings are not for everyone.

Frisk Mints

Frisk mints are STRONG mints, and I’ve always been a fan of those.  For starters, the mints are yet another answer to, “What flavors does your cock come in?”  However, these actually are effective for providing sensation during oral sex no matter what your genital configuration is.  I absolutely love them.

Wet Together His & Hers Lubricant

If you rewrote the gendered labeling, it would say “warming lubricant and tingling lubricant make a baby.”

The first time we tried it, I liberally applied the warming lubricant to his cock with my hands, stroked him for a while with it, then applied the tingling lubricant to myself and hopped on.  He said he didn’t really get anything from the warming lubricant, but I distinctly felt like I was riding a cold dildo.  The neat thing was that the fresh, tingling feeling didn’t go away for a while.

The warming lubricant also feels kind of dry to the touch when you’re rubbing it on.  This was extremely disconcerting to me, but apparently it wasn’t too dry for him.

Swipes Lovin’ Wipes

They’re scented wipes.  I like doing sex clean-up with wipes – they’re moist and get rid of that sticky feeling from lube.

 

There was also a little felt mustache in my box in support of Movember.  I spent quite a while holding this up to my face (the wrong way, apparently) and marching around the house.

 

Who Should Buy It:

Each item seems to add up to provide a total value higher than the $35 you’re paying for the box, but the big question is, is it worth it?  I think that depends on the user, and I think it also depends on what’s in the box that  month.

I have many heterosexual friends who are in vanilla relationships and have a desire to spice things up, but no idea how to accomplish that.  If I was looking for a one-size-fits-most suggestion for these friends, I would recommend Luv My Box to them.

I also have friends who are openly searching for sex toys, haven’t tried enough to establish a preference yet, and just can’t decide on anything.  I would hurl Luv My Box at them and run.  Do you nance about and find yourself unsure of where to start when you look at a sex toy website?  If you don’t want to ask a sex blogger (like me!) then try Luv My Box and see where it gets you.  Once those toys show up on your doorstep, you pretty much have to use them if you don’t want to have burned $35.  Luv My Box takes the decision-making out of the equation for you, and some people need that… or a good smack.

I have friends with more varied sexual tastes who are already connoisseurs of sex toys, and I fit into this category as well.  While this type of consumer may appreciate the novelty of Luv My Box just as I can, chances are that they already have preferred products.  That’s not to say that you, Veteran Fucktoy Consumer, can’t gain something from Luv My Box.  I never tried any of the slew of combination lubricants that have come out in the last few years, and my box gave me a chance to experience that.  If you’ve never experimented with a cock ring, the non-threatening ring included in November’s box might be a good way to ease yourself or your partner into it.  But as for the rest of it?  A consumer with my experience and sexual preferences may feel like there isn’t much use for sex dice or Good Head.  I can appreciate the idea of surprise that sex dice promise, but I do all that anyway.  I like everything about genitals, so I don’t need to mask the taste with Good Head (which, admittedly, doesn’t taste too bad).

Are you a gender/sexual minority couple?  I can’t make any guarantees for how well Luv My Box will fit you.  While two people with vaginas could successfully use the lubricant, mints, and maybe the Good Head from November’s box, the only thing the cock ring would be good for is flicking around the room (which is totally valid aftercare, in my opinion).  Meanwhile, two people with penises could have enjoyed all of the offerings in this month’s box.

Are you looking to play alone?  I don’t know if I can recommend Luv My Box for you.  While all of the items in October’s bathtime box could be used alone, you would have a much more difficult time getting as much solo enjoyment from September’s bondage box.  While you could use the lube (and the cock ring, depending on your genital configuration) included in November’s box on your own, you would be hard-pressed to come up with single-person games for the sex dice, Good Head, and Frisk mints.

 

I think Luv My Box is a gamble for certain demographics, particularly the one that I fit into.  However, it’s not necessarily difficult to find reviews that tell you what’s in the box that month – if you want to spoil the surprise, you can try to find them before you spend your money.  Would I buy more?  If I had a decent amount of disposable income, sure, for funsies.  I would buy a box or two so that I could try new products that I might never have considered buying.  Ultimately, though, I’m not a consumer who really needs Luv My Box.  I have a lot of sexual toys and aides, and very specific things on my wishlist.  I know what I like and what I want, and my sex life is generally spicy enough for my taste… but that doesn’t mean that I don’t like surprises or trying new things.  However, because I don’t have any disposable income, I can’t afford to bring the box into my life on a regular basis.  I could save the money that I would spend on two months’ worth of boxes and spend it on a Hitachi instead, which is something that I know I will enjoy.

Buy it…

  • If you like surprises
  • If you like trying new things
  • If you don’t know where to start
  • If you can’t decide on a product
  • If you can’t imagine ever setting foot in a sex toy store
  • If you know that you’re part of a demographic that is equipped to use every part of a box – the safest bet being heterosexual couples.

 

A big thank you to the lovely folks at Luv My Box who sent me a box to review!