The Tantus General

The Tantus General might be one of my new favorite dildos. It’s not the biggest dildo I own (that title goes to Amsterdam, which I still haven’t managed to get into my vagina), or the biggest dildo that I’ve fucked (the T-Rex is 2.25” in diameter whereas the General is only 2” at its widest). It is, however, a dildo that has provided me with one of the most satisfying orgasms I’ve ever had.

When the General was offered to me, I hadn’t given it much thought before. It looked like a nice dildo, but it only came in black (a matte black, for those who are wondering) and featured a gentle shape with no gimmicks, so I’d only given its product page a cursory glance. I thought the biggest thing (no pun intended) it had going for it was its size. Do not make my mistake and underestimate the General. I accepted the review offer because I like to try new things, and I am so glad that I did.

The Tantus GeneralI don’t recommend just trying to stick the General inside yourself first thing. It doesn’t have texture anywhere near that of the Rippler or the Diving Nun, but a 2” diameter can be considered somewhat sizeable, even though it starts at 1.75” at the head. Do yourself a favor and size up just in case. I warmed up by going from the LoveLife Adventure to the Tantus Cush O2 to the General and found the progression to be quite comfortable, but given that the Cush and the head of the General are the same size I probably could have skipped the Cush and moved on to the main event more quickly.

I used the General vaginally and found it quite pleasing. The General’s gentle, full shape and slight curve gave me a really pleasant sensation of being full. The tip did hit my G-spot, and I felt the full effect of that by slowly thrusting it into me. As much as I love texture, I wasn’t disappointed by the General’s smoothness. It lends itself well to fucking yourself at any speed, and it was also really pleasing to leave inside myself and flex my muscles around. The girth is a beautiful thing.

Heart-Eyed Cat EmojiTo be honest, I can’t say enough good things about the General. It was awesome to use. It might be my dildo bae. I would text it emojis. It sits on my bedside table and I stare longingly at it as I’m falling asleep. I picture us running through a field, barefooted, wearing airy white dresses that trail behind us and blow in the wind.

The Tantus site recommends using the General for anal play, but since I don’t do much anal (for lots of reasons, which I’ll probably address in a blog post eventually) I didn’t try it there. Will did, and he loved it and gave it a rave review for prostate play.

Everyone knows that I love Tantus and I cherish my relationship with them. Tantus has great employees, great ethics, and great toys. I cannot recommend them highly enough, and if you’re interested in the General, the T-Rex, or any of the other large toys Tantus is selling for 30% off during the Big Ass Sale, now is the time to spend your money there! Just use the code HEEHAW at checkout to receive your discount. The sale ends Thursday, June 18th, so buy some awesome toys now!

Thank you, Tantus, for providing me with the General in exchange for an honest review!

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The Tantus T-Rex

The Tantus T-Rex

I was really eager to try some giant dildos in honor of TantusBig Ass Sale, a sale of the biggest toys Tantus makes that you can put in your butt. While I don’t consider myself a size queen, I do love a good thick dildo every now and then. Sometimes you have an itch to be filled to the brim, and Tantus was kind enough to scratch it for me. Shoutout to Tantus, the real MVP of this blog post!

The T-Rex has intrigued me ever since it came out. It has a very distinctive shape, a pronounced head, and some of the cutest balls I’ve ever seen on a dildo. (Seriously, I think they’re adorable.) I’ve never owned a dildo as big as the T-Rex, and when I saw it I knew that I would get one, one day, and I would conquer it.

The good news is that I did conquer it. It was actually not difficult to get in because of the size with the progression of toys that I used. I used the OhMiBod Lovelife Adventure, then the Tantus Cush O2, then the Tantus General, then the T-Rex.

It worked like a charm at first, but pushing in the T-Rex further in was an event. It was kind of like going downhill on a roller coaster… and then being jolted to a stop. When I was putting the head in it felt really great, and then the scraping started. The silicone of the T-Rex is pretty solid and the minute the pronounced ridge of the head came up against my pubic bone it scraped against it. When I pulled the T-Rex back out it scraped against my pubic bone again, and worse – the ridge caught against my bone. It was not good times, people. It was bad times. I tried this thrusting motion a few times before I decided that this was not a thrusting dildo.

The Tantus T-Rex in purpleInstead I opted to leave the T-Rex inside of me while I used a vibrator on my clit. It was better than thrusting, but I still found the entire thing to be vaguely uncomfortable. When I brought myself to orgasm with the T-Rex inside of me the sensation of the orgasm itself was pretty awesome, but the feeling of clenching around an already uncomfortable dildo is not one that I’m eager to relive. It didn’t totally disrupt the experience, but I did notice it, and I did not like it. The fullness? It was great! But everything else just kind of felt off.

I’ve had a few more orgasms with the T-Rex, and each one has been just as uncomfortable as the first. I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong, but I have to say that the unpleasantness of having my pubic bone scraped has well and truly convinced me that I have no desire to give birth… like, ever.

I think the discomfort is because of how firm the toy is. Unlike some of Tantus’ other large toys, the T-Rex isn’t made out of that neat dual-density-feeling stuff where the outer layer of silicone has some give to it. Instead the T-Rex is completely solid, and what’s more, it’s straight, not curved in any way. Make no mistake, the quality of the silicone meets the standard that I’ve come to expect from Tantus – high-quality, flawless, and it feels great to touch. It’s not a quality issue, it’s entirely an issue with the design conflicting with my anatomy.

I knew the T-Rex had mixed reviews for vaginal use, but Ninja Sexology seemed to like it well enough, and Ruffled Sheets gave it a great review for anal use! I still wanted to try it vaginally for myself. That ridge in the head looked like it was going to be amazing. Oh Past Sugarcunt, if you only knew what you were asking for. While I love the way the T-Rex looks, the scraping was just unpleasant. It was all I could think about while I was using it, and that’s absolutely the last thing I want to be focused on when I’m trying to get off.

Ultimately I think that the dealbreaker was the combination of the hard silicone, the girth, the lack of a curve, and that huge ridge in the head. As individual elements I know that these things can be enjoyable, but I don’t think that this particular combination is for me. Now the question of, “Can I really brave the T-rex?” is answered. I can. I just choose not to do it anymore.

Thank you, Tantus, for providing me with the T-Rex in exchange for an honest review! If you’re looking to brave the T-Rex yourself, you can get it on Tantus’ website at a 30% discount during the Big Ass Sale! Just use the code HEEHAW at the checkout page before June 18th!

The New York Toy Collective Shilo + Love Bump

shilobumpPackers are very special to me.  As someone who has always wanted a penis, nothing gives me more glee than having my own dick, however fake it may be.  New York Toy Collective is a sex-positive novelty company that was founded just last year.  Their products are made from premium platinum base silicone and are intended to be self-affirming gender expression tools.  SheVibe was kind enough to send me the Shilo Pack & Play and The Love Bump.

 

The Shilo Pack & Play is a dual-purpose packer that can be worn for packing (obviously) or for sex.  The Shilo seems to be dual-density, with a bendable rod hidden beneath the firm inner core.  This rod allows you to position the Shilo however you like: straight forward, curved up or down, hanging a little low and to the left… whatever suits your needs.  The Shilo isn’t the first packer to be posable, but that level of posability seems kind of ingenious for an insertable toy.  I’ll talk about why I emphasize seems in a moment.

The Shilo

My first impression of the Shilo was mixed.  On one hand, it’s cool as hell, there’s no denying that.  On the other hand, I was astonished by just how large it was, and the base seemed pretty huge.  Trying to wear the packer without a harness didn’t work for me because my front isn’t very flat, so the base stuck out and created an unnatural, decidedly un-dick-like bulge in the front of my panties.  I’m forced to wear this thing with a harness if I want to wear it comfortably or leave the house in it.  Fortunately, I have my handy-dandy Joque, or I would be a very, very sad Shilo owner.  The Shilo comes in four colors, and the one you see in my pictures if called cashew.

More on the length: That’s six inches of dick that you’re stuffing in your pants.  Six inches all the time.  Not three soft and six hard.  It can seem overwhelming at first if your last packer was comparatively shorter and much softer (as mine was).  Your best bet with the Shilo is to tuck it between your thighs.  When I was wearing the Shilo with the Love Bump, tucking the Shilo between my fat thighs was somewhat uncomfortable.  The Love Bump was just in the way.  If you’re going for realism, though, then you can’t get any better than that.

The silicone is awesome, too.  I’ve been told it feels comparable to VixSkin, but since I don’t own any VixSkin dildos, I can’t make that comparison for you.  I do, however, own a Tantus Cush O2, and I can tell you that outer layer of the Shilo is considerably squishier than the Cush.  When I inserted the Shilo, the material felt great.  That squishy outer layer is pleasant, and the head is kind of pronounced, which is wonderful when you’re thrusting.  However, here’s where the “seems ingenious for an insertable toy” thing comes in.  If you’re using the Shilo as a strap-on with a partner, the posability isn’t much of a problem – you can just keep the toy rigid with your hand.  If you use the Shilo on yourself, there’s going to be some fumbling, because that bendable rod in the core will try to bend as you push the toy against yourself.  It’s not a huge inconvenience, but if you have dreams of being able to use the Shilo like a curved dildo, they’re going to be shattered.  Even if you manage to maintain the bent shape during insertion, the bend will probably straighten back out during use.  There’s nothing wrong with a straight dildo – I have plenty of them and I love them – but if you’re hoping that the posability will be a game-changer in the bedroom, I think you’re going to be disappointed.

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The Love Bump

The Love Bump is kind of ridiculous looking.  It’s a pair of balls.  It reminds me of stretched earlobes, except… you know.  With balls.  And stuff.  The Love Bump comes with a removable bullet vibrator that fits into a small hole located on the side of the balls.  New York Toy Collective suggests the Love Bump for added realism, added stimulation, and extra cushioning when having sex.  When I used the Shilo on myself with the Love Bump attached, the balls mostly got in the way.  However, that was masturbation, and you have to consider that this dildo is geared more toward packing and couples’ play than it is toward solo play.

Do I think the Shilo is worth it?  TOTALLY.  I haven’t sampled enough packers to call the Shilo the ultimate packer, but it’s pretty freakin’ awesome.  If you’re looking for gender expression tools you can pack and play with, I urge you to pick up the Shilo and the Love Bump at Shevibe. My Shilo came in the color “cashew,” but now they make awesomely-colored versions like a Shilo in blue and yellow and a Love Bump in pink.

 

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Sister Act: The Divine Interventions Diving Nun

Divine Interventions.  If you’re a sex blogger, you’ve probably heard of them.  Maybe you visited their site to see if they really had a Baby Jesus Butt Plug.  Maybe you wanted to write them an angry letter (or a love letter) after you saw my picture of their Holy Water Lube (“So blessedly good even God uses it!”)  Maybe you’ve never heard of them.  Get in the car and buckle your sweet ass in, because we are going to take a ride together.

This is the Diving Nun.

Your first impression is probably, “That can’t be a dildo.”

Your first impression is right.  It isn’t “a dildo.”

It’s an AMAZING dildo.   The distinction is important.

The Diving Nun is made from a supple, flexible silicone and features a nice, wide base that suctions to a surface when you slam it down.  If you’re anything like me, this means that it will find a home on your coffee table and in your heart.

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As you can see, the Nun has a beastly curve and some wicked wrinkles in her wimple.  Do not let these ridges intimidate you.  If you warm up, lube up, and start slowly, you’ll have no problem with the Diving Nun at all.  Do not do what I did.  When this dildo arrived at my home, my Nun timeline looked something like this:

  1. The honeymoon phase.  The Nun arrived and I waved it around, stuck it to things, photographed it, admired it, and spent a great deal of time being deeply in dildo-love with it.  I took it to the bedroom.
  2. Our first fight.  I spent a few seconds lubing the Nun up, then I unceremoniously jammed it in the general direction of my vagina.  That sucker wasn’t going in.  It’s an enormous dildo.  I have plenty of experience with enormous dildos, but I had to try it without warming up FOR SCIENCE.  At least I tell myself it was for science… but it’s more like I couldn’t think in the haze of my dildo lust.  It was quite a scene.  I spent a great deal of time painstakingly jamming it, inch by inch, into myself.  Like the first time I used the Rippler without warming up first, it was not pleasant.  Not pleasant at all.
  3. Make-up sex.  Once things got going and the juices got flowing, fucking the Diving Nun gradually became more pleasurable.  In fact, after a certain point, it stopped riding the line between pleasure and pain and it just felt good.  We made up – I forgave it for hurting my vagina and it forgave me for my inability to think critically about the best time to use certain dildos.

You can definitely feel the Nun’s ridges when you use it.  In subsequent uses of the Nun, I warmed up with another dildo beforehand.  After that warm-up, inserting the Diving Nun was easy, and I had an incredibly enjoyable experience.  Don’t think that I love the Nun unconditionally, though.  I have a couple minor complaints.  The base is huge, which is great for suctioning the dildo, but not so great for holding.  Because it’s flexible, I -can- hold it, but I either have to spread my hand out across the base to do that, or have to get a flimsy grip on part of the base and use that to move it in and out.  The first time I used the Nun, my wrist got really sore.  Really sore.  While that could very easily have been a carpal tunnel flare-up, I think it probably has more to do with the amount of time I spent with my hand spread in an awkward position.

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Due to my wrist pain, and in an attempt to work smarter rather than harder, I opted to ride the Diving Nun instead of using my hands. It wasn’t easy. I don’t have a very good surface to stick the Nun on, so the suction cup – which works well – didn’t really benefit me at all.  Because of how steep the curve of the dildo is, the only method I could contrive was standing at the edge of my bed and backing up and down on it. And sure, it felt good, but that also took more work. I was hoping to be able to hump it, not do squats. (As someone who has never done a squat in her life I should add that I’m not entirely sure how a squat works, but I imagine that it works like what I did.)

I can overlook the wrist pain and the challenge of standing use because of what it’s like to clench your muscles around the Diving Nun.  Simply put, it’s delicious.  The Nun is filling and textured.  The first time I used the Nun, I combined it with my Hitachi and had an orgasm that was so good that it was nearly painful.  You read that right: so good that it almost hurt.  While the other orgasms I’ve had with the nun haven’t been quite as exquisite as the first, they’re still pretty damn good.

The nun also hits my G-spot in a pleasant manner.  I find it difficult to ejaculate when I’m only enjoying G-spot stimulation, but I felt very close to squirting a number of times while I was using the Nun.  My G-spot, though, is very fickle, so I have a difficult time figuring out how to prolong or recreate certain types of G-spot stimulation that are very enjoyable.

Ultimately, the cons of the Diving Nun (the steep curve making it a bit difficult to ride, the base being slightly challenging to hold) are outweighed by the fact that the Nun just feels amazing.  It’s fantastic for thrusting at any speed!  It hits my G-spot!  It’s shaped like a nun!  It’s 1 3/4 inches in diameter, 7 3/4 inches long, and 100% glorious.

 If you’ve got a sense of humor regarding sex toys and matters of sacrilege, I encourage you to check out Divine Interventions.  Their descriptions are clever and their products are 100% unique.  There are also some pretty cool non-denominational dildos for those of you who are more… respectful.  (I can think of a few people I know that would, for example, dig the Celtic… you know who you are.)  And, of course, there’s always the Holy Water Lube… no glycerin, no parabens, DEA free and 100% vegan.  I hear that there are even safer lubricants that exist, but the Holy Water Lube is unquestionably the most body-friendly lubricant in my drawer.

Thank you so much, Divine Interventions, for providing me with a Diving Nun in exchange for an honest review!

A Series of Love Letters: Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo

Dear G-spot Toys:

I am so sorry.

I am sorry that I will always be comparing you, no matter what you are, to the Pure Wand, especially if you are curved or made of metal.  I am sorry that my G-spot scoffs in the face of a resilient hammering unless also paired with clitoral stimulation, with which no G-spot dildo has been able to provide me simultaneously.

Dear Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo:

galaxygThank you for making me jizz everywhere despite not being the Pure Wand.  At first, I saw you and wasn’t sure that I’d like you… but I really wanted to try.  When we first met, I was astonished by your incredibly hard, solid exterior.  I immediately had to beat you on a variety of surfaces to test how sturdy you were.  You were so firm, despite being the most lightweight dildo I’ve ever owned.  Somewhere between pulling you out of my mailbox and leaving you in my room to go to dinner, I decided that I would not rest until I put you in my vagina.

I love you, Galaxy G.

I love you so much that sometimes I get a little choked up and moist inside.

 

I really have no intention of spending the entirety of this review comparing the Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo to the Pure Wand, but let’s be honest: they are both awesome G-spotting dildos.  It is not easy to talk about my second-favorite G-spotter without comparing it to my favorite G-spotter.  Really.  They are both so great that Goodvibes recommends the Pure Wand when you visit the page for the Galaxy G.  I look at the Galaxy G as a great introductory G-spotter; the opening act to the Pure Wand’s performance, if you actually like the Pure Wand.  (Let’s be honest, while many of us love it, it’s not for everyone.)

The Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo from Good Vibrations is  a short, solid acrylic dildo with a steep curve and two differently-shaped ends.  One is round.  The other is pointy.  The pointy end is not for my G-spot, but it might be for yours.  However, the round end serves its purpose nicely.  It hits all the right places, it isn’t too pokey, and it isn’t too big to get the job done.

2012-09-26 22.14.41-1When I say the Galaxy G has a short length and a steep curve, I’m not exaggerating.  It fits very well against the inner curve of the Pure Wand – less length, more curve.  This can be complicated to use if you’re expecting a toy with more reach.  I found that the Galaxy G wasn’t quite as good for the same type of frenzied thrusting that I do with the Pure Wand, but the important thing is that it still feels amazing.

Because it’s not heavy at all, your wrists won’t get tired when you use it.  If you’re tough to get off (in any way), then this is a good thing, because you want to be able to fuck unimpeded.  However, because of the angle, it will be easier to thrust with if you have longer arms than I do.  Because mine aren’t very long, I eventually took to using it sitting up rather than lying down.  However, that curve can also screw you over depending on the kind of vibe you’re using.  For me, the curve makes this dildo run right up against my vulva very snugly.  Naturally, that can be something of an impediment depending on the size of your vibrator.  The Wahl is not that convenient for wedging into place beside the Galaxy G.

But regardless of the difficulty of squishing a vibrator into the mix, the great thing about the Galaxy G is that, like any other G-spot stimulation, it can make you squirt.  Squirting is among my favorite things.  I have to have the aforementioned clitoral stimulation to do it, so I have to use the Galaxy G with one hand and a vibe with another.

Some people only require G-spot stimulation to get off.  The Galaxy G is beyond perfect for them.  There’s absolutely no difficulty involved in its use if you aren’t trying to get vibration into the mix.  Honestly, it’s probably the closest thing to the perfect dildo for G-spotting if the lack of clitoral vibrations won’t complicate your experience.  While the Pure Wand’s weight feels delicious internally, the Galaxy G feels great without killing your wrists.  It’s not heavy, not cold or warm… it’s like fucking yourself with a very rigid cloud.  For some people, this may be perfect.

The acrylic material also makes the Galaxy G easier to transport.  You can literally throw it in your bag and go.  It’s so light that you could carry it around in your purse and you wouldn’t have to worry about the material picking up lint, fuzz, and hair like a silicone dildo does.  You may laugh at the fact that I consider portability a perk, but when I’m packing a big bag of sex toys to drag through airport security, the weight matters to megush.

For the incredibly cheap price, I would have purchased the Galaxy G if I hadn’t been able to review it.  It’s not the Pure Wand, but it doesn’t have to be.  I think it’s a little more accessible than the Pure Wand.  The shape, the ease of use due to weight, the “safe” material choice (because metal is not for everyone), and how damn good it feels all make it a great toy, whether you’re a G-spot enthusiast, or if you’re just starting out.  If you are just starting out and want a guide on how to stimulate the G-spot, I suggest checking out the Oh My Gush! Kit at Goodvibes, which includes the Galaxy G, GUSH: The Official Guide to the G-Spot & Female Ejaculation, and Please Cream Lube (which is glycerin and paraben-free and body safe).  This toy, a how-to DVD, and lube?  You could literally walk out of the store with the kit, go home, and hammer yourself into oblivion within the span of an hour.

Thank you, Good Vibrations, for providing me with the Galaxy G Acrylic G-Spot Dildo to review!  I can assure you that it’s in good hands.

Wet For Her Four

About an age and a half ago (December, I think?), Wet For Her contacted me to do a review of their non-phallic double-ended dildo, the Wet For Her Toy Four.

 

Images cobbled together are courtesy of Wet For Her

I was thrilled about this, because I was wildly curious about Wet For Her toys.  As someone who has dated a lesbian who really wasn’t into penises (but could at least tolerate phallic shapes), I thought it might be an interesting opportunity to switch things up.  Epiphora did a review of the Wet for Her Two, and over the summer sent me the Two in a package (because I was wildly curious about it).

But this is a review about the Four.  So anyway, Erika was nice enough to send me the Four.  The timing wasn’t fabulously convenient, initially, because I was in a monogamous relationship with the slutling.  We could have used it anally; we simply never got around to it because I was still trying to make sure he could take a regular dildo before I tried fucking him with anything double-ended or in a harness.  Do make a note that you don’t have to be in a relationship with someone with a vagina to use this.  You’ll have to be mindful of the direction you point the curved end, but it’s perfectly good for any sort of partner play, no matter what genital configuration you’re packing.

I did, however, masturbate with this toy frequently.  (After all, one wants to use the toy several times before writing a review.  And it’s delicious.)

The Four is an amazing masturbation device for those with short arms, or with wrists that get tired from thrusting with their palms on the bottom of a flat-bottomed dildo.  The connecting material between the Four’s two parts is very solid and sturdy, which is exactly the opposite of the connection that the Feeldoe has.  This means that the part of the dildo that’s meant to go in the partner wearing it makes a great handle.

When masturbating, the Four hit my g-spot pretty well.  Because the end is tapered like two fingers, it isn’t particularly wide or flat, but I don’t exclusively need that width.  Because of the sturdiness of my “handle,” it was easy to thrust with the degree of force I needed.  Now, Epiphora raises a good point about the Two that is also true for the Four: it’s not a set of fingers, so it can’t move or adjust the curve like real fingers can.  They will always be in that shape.  Unless your partner only does one thing with their fingers, then it will not be like partner play. And if you don’t like fingering, it’s just not the same as using a phallic dildo with a wider head.

The Four also comes with a bullet you can put in it.  I only tried the toy with the bullet once because of my previous bullet-optional toy follies (see: The Protouch From Hell).  I don’t feel so crazy about it.  The toy is very thick, so I’m not sure that I can say you’ll get a lot sensation from the vibrations.  And internally, most vibrations are very “meh” for me anyway.

Aside from masturbating, I did try to use the Four the way that Wet For Her intended.  When I became single, my ex/roommate and I decided to have sex again.  The Four was not the focus of our play, but we decided to try it in the middle of things, because I was very conscious of the fact that I needed to hurry up and review the thing.  (This was in February, so I was already lagging on my review.)  Since I’m the aggressive one out of the two of us, I opted to try fucking her with it, and decided I wouldn’t waste time bothering with my harness.

I carefully inserted the toy, and was immediately a little disconcerted when I stood up.  It didn’t want to be in my vagina.  By sheer force of will and vaginamancy (human sacrifice), I kept it inside myself and prepared her for the ride of her life.  Unfortunately, the ride was drastically impaired by the same thing that has ruined harness use for me every time I’ve tried it: I am five feet tall.  My partners are always at least eight inches taller than me.

Seriously, guys.  I tried bending her over the bed.  I tried using Fuck Mountain (my pile of Liberator sex furniture).  We tried it with her standing up (why did we bother with that?).  We even tried to have her climb on top, and I can’t even remember if she managed to mount me or not.  If she did, we didn’t keep it up very long.

So she said, “Well maybe I can fuck you with it.” Hell yes, I love dildos!  My body is ready!

Or not.

Height difference didn’t have time to come into play, because she put the Four in, then had trouble keeping it in.  It’s not a failure on her part by any means – she simply doesn’t bother with insertion.  Like, ever.  Only in sex with other people.  So it’s normal for her pelvic muscles to be less strong than those of someone who spends hours a week using a variety of dildos and ben-wa balls on themself (me).  It’s not like she has a reason to sit around doing kegels.  But unfortunately, that meant no double-dildo lovin’ for me.

So I haven’t really had an opportunity to play with the Four much more than that.  I’m in another monogamous relationship with a man who doesn’t have a vagina and doesn’t get much out of receiving anal.  I am often plagued by frustration with review toys because if I don’t get to try their intended use, or use them multiple times, I feel like it’s not thorough enough to form a fully-accurate review.

The Four isn’t a bad toy.  I like to masturbate with it, and I like that the partner end doesn’t flop around because of a thin connection with the penetrator’s end.  I think it’s a great masturbation device and offers a lot of potential for people who have specific ability-related needs involving their hands and sex toy use.  I do not feel the need to use the bullet, but it’s a nice thought for those who may enjoy that.  My review can’t offer much critique on the intended use for the toy, but I do know this: you need strong PC muscles.  Muscle strength is probably less crucial (but still beneficial) if you pair the Four with a harness, like the Joque (<3).  If you’ve got double-dildo experience, you and your partner will enjoy the shape of the toy, and you’re curious about the Four, I encourage exploration with it if you’ve got the money.

Ultimately, the biggest thing I learned from this experience is that you probably need to be capable of fucking someone with a dildo before you try to use the Four.

Thanks so much to the gang at Wet For Her for letting me try the Toy Four!  I owe all of you some orgasms. *Wink.*

The Rippler

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This hulking beast is the Rippler Silicone Dildo from Goodvibes, and if you’re anything like me, the first thing you did when you saw it was gird your loins.  I’ve testified about my love of texture in the past, so it was sort of a given that when Goodvibes offered it up for review, I was all over this thing.  Look at it!  That majestic curve!  Those pronounced ridges!  That attractive berry hue that satisfies my cravings for stuffing a wine-covered cock inside me!

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Okay, on a serious note, here is the beast itself, featured in the now-obligatory DroidX size comparison photo.  It’s massive, isn’t it?  Longer than the Jollie, though not as girthy as its widest point.  However, don’t let this comparison fool you.  This dildo is by no means inferior to the Jollie; just different.  Those ridges are a thing of beauty, and they’re not to be taken lightly.  Really: this is not a warm-up dildo.  In fact, if you’re not hot and ready, it might be a mite bit uncomfortable, even if you’ve liberally applied the lube.  If you haven’t “pregamed” and you opt to slather the Rippler down with lube,  you’re in for a couple minutes of something conflicting.  I mean, it’s not that it doesn’t feel good – it does!  But in those first minutes, it also feels a bit uncomfortable.  You know those curling irons that your tween sister has, with the spiral around the rod? It feels like that, without the moral dilemma of shoving something that doesn’t belong to you in your vag.

 

No, the Rippler is not your mother’s warm-up toy… instead, it is what you pull out when you’re craving the big guns.  You’ve been wet and warm for hours?  Back away from the foot massager and dig this out of your toybox instead.  After those first few minutes of use, the magic starts.  You can feel those ridges, and soon, they worm their way into your heart.  I may or may not have given each individual ridge a name, although I tend to forget them when the sensation blends into one massive, fast-thrusting, ripple-y hurricane.  There’s probably some G-spot stimulation at the eye of the hurricane, but I don’t tend to concentrate on that specifically, because I have a tendency to get swept away.  [Cue the appropriate music.]

Most people probably can’t shove the entirety of the Rippler’s length into their vaginas, but that’s okay – the extra length can be very handy for thrusting, and on the off chance that you DO happen to like having your cervix knocked around by a battering ram, then cramming the whole thing in is perfect for you!  The Rippler is safe for anal use, but I can’t tell you how far in it will go, because my asshole tightens up like a nun’s whenever I consider putting this thing near it.

If you don’t like texture, this isn’t for you.  If you like texture but cannot under any circumstance handle girth, then this isn’t for you – the thing has a diameter between 1 5/8 and 1 7/8 inches.  If neither of these caveats apply to you because you love texture and girth, and you can shell out the $60 necessary for it, then you don’t have an excuse not to own this dildo.

DSCF1255 (600x800)This baby is harness-compatible, although you may need a larger O-ring, due to its girth.  My harness, the Spareparts Joque, doesn’t have an exchangeable O-ring, but with a bit of patience and steady shoving, it fits!

The Rippler comes in three different colors – an attractive emerald green, a chic black, and the metallic purple, which is the color that I have.  (As a note, this harness photo is probably the truest to life, in terms of color.)  The purple is a very attractive wine color, so I have a tendency to leave it sitting out on my desk.  This isn’t solely because I’ve been formulating this review for weeks, nor just because I like making my guests uncomfortable… no, I like to keep the Rippler within reach for when one of my moods strikes me.  In addition to being fabulous to stick in my cunt, it’s an excellent bludgeoning tool.  I confess: I probably beat it on my desk more often than I masturbate with it.  It’s not that I don’t like it… it’s that the thing is so goddamn sturdy that when some act of blatant stupidity has thrown me into a mini-rage, the safest thing for me to smash is this dildo.  You cannot break it.  It is the firmest silicone toy I own, and manages to maintain that without sacrificing flexibility.

The Rippler has Goodvibes’ Ecorotic seal, because it is phthalate-free (and body-safe in general) and made in the U.S., ensuring a lower carbon footprint.  So go buy one and feel good about doing some tree-hugging with your self-loving.

Thank you, Goodvibes, for providing me with the Rippler to use as an eco-friendly gavel!  (And occasionally, to use for fucking myself into Oz.)

Getting My Jollies

I’m just going to preface this entry by showing you the notes I jotted down about this thing when I started drafting:

1) BEASTLY

2) MY CUNT WILL NOT HAVE IT

3) IT EATS LUBE

4) It’s 100% medical grade silicone, so while that means it’s awesome for putting in my electric kettle, it won’t have anything to do with my bottle of Wet Platinum.  Because of the shape, it won’t have anything to do with my vagina.   But because of the material, it does as much as it can with every fuzzy, dust and hair-related particle in my room.  But that’s actually not so bad, because I can just pop this sucker back in my kettle and boil it before I get down with myself.

5) Can’t really feel handle ridges

So those were my first impressions of it… and no, I don’t generally write my notes in allcaps, if that tells you anything.

I’ll explain each of these, obviously.  And then I’m going to tell you why it’s my new favorite toy.

The Jollie [Image description: A pink dildo sits on a white background.  The dildo is relatively phallic, with a bulbous bump near the head of the toy.  A protruding, handle-like piece is positioned at the bottom of the toy, complete with a hole that would be ideal as a fingerhold.]

1)  I tend to do a lot of research before purchasing toys.  When Epiphora mentioned that Jollies was going out of business and that JT’s Stockroom still had the Valentine’s Jollie, I spent a good ten or fifteen minutes chewing my nails and reading several reviews that she linked to determine whether I wanted to spend this money before the Jollie went off the market forever.  There were some warnings posted, and the Stockroom site even offers dimensions for the product, but I’m totally inept at putting those numbers to a visual.  The only time I felt like I really saw the Jollie at proper scale was in the Wanton Lotus video review of it… and I promptly cried, “It’s HUGE… I have to buy it!”  I’m not a size queen.  In fact, I have spent the vast majority of my life being the opposite of a size queen, because my sex with Ex generally always resulted in some spotting afterward.  (His girth wasn’t the only reason, but it was a significant contributing factor.)  But this dildo was a really cool idea, and it was going off the market, and I was seduced by the idea that I would have something that no one else could get soon.  (I’m petty, sue me.)

So the Jollie came, and despite the videos and the warnings, I took it out of the box and I was like, “WHAT?”  Like I said, it’s pretty beastly.  If you check out the photo on my preview post, you will find that its girth dwarfs pretty much every other toy there.  The only adjective I could think of for the shape in my image description was “misshapen,” which is a considerably less-than-stellar word to use when you’re talking about a toy that you actually like.  You will find that this fucked-up shape is actually what passes as “ergonomic” in the world of things that you stick in your vagina.  That’s right – the word ergonomic is no longer limited to office supplies.  I would like to think of the Jollie as the Quasimodo of my toy collection.  Rest assured, the comparison is warranted, because I can tell you right now that when I die, my skeleton will be found entwined with this thing.

2) My first attempt at fucking myself with the Jollie was somewhat less-than-stellar.  I tried to insert it while I was chilling out in my desk chair.  But here’s the thing… I have this bad habit of ejecting my tampons when I sneeze.  Without any sneezing necessary, my vagina forcefully expelled this thing as if it were a tampon.  The g-spot bump did absolutely nothing to keep it inside me.  The Jollie was an expansive foreign body, and my twat wanted it out.

3)  While pondering over why the Jollie wouldn’t peacefully occupy my vag, I briefly speculated that maybe I had too much lubricant.  Bullshit!  There’s no such thing as too much lubricant!  Besides, every time I ejected it, it was practically dry.  The third time I had expelled it after coating it up with yet another layer of water-based lube, I began to wonder if more drastic measures were in order.  Virgin sacrifice?

4 & 5)  That’s self-explanatory, right?

Now I’m going to tell you why I’m so happy about owning the Jollie:

I had a literally hands-free orgasm in less than ten minutes.

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