Underwhelming Things: The Shag Factory Swing Ring

I’ve used two cock rings in my life.  The first was not incredible.  The Shag Factory Swing Ring was the second.

Maybe it’s my anatomy.  I’m a big person with prominent outer labia.  I have to spread them to get this thing in the general REGION of where it’s actually supposed to be, which is fine, but even then my clitoris rarely lines up with where sex toy companies -think- my clitoris should be (which is not an uncommon problem).

Maybe it’s my personal taste for vibrations that would send a T-Rex roaring into multiple orgasms.

Maybe it’s just ’cause it’s not that good.

The Shag Factory Swing Ring is a politician.  It promises to stimulate the perineum with its swinging weight on the bottom.  It promises to cycle through multiple vibration patterns automatically.  It promises to increase sensitivity and hardness.  The big difference is that with this toy, congress can’t be blamed for the failure to fulfill these promises.  It’s entirely possible that it cycles through vibration patterns, but I didn’t notice.  My partner didn’t notice the ball at the end.  Maybe we were distracted by struggling to get something out of the toy.

We tried the Swing Ring with me on top.  If you can picture me squatting over a cock, trying desperately to maneuver that absurd little vibrating protrusion (it looks like a spare appendage with warts, you guys) onto my  clitoris, then you can imagine how absurd the whole thing was.  It was definitely not conducive to a passionate, sexy lovemaking session.

We tried it with me on bottom.  This is probably the position in which you are supposed to use the Shag Factory Swing Ring.  I still wouldn’t call it optimal.  In fact, with all the desperate fumbling you will do while trying to make this toy work for you, missionary will ACTUALLY be boring. Or tedious.  Can something be boring AND tedious simultaneously?  Survey says: yes.

The packaging is also patently absurd.  It’s not really a point for or against it.  It’s just ridiculous.  I get what they were going for, but it looks like a children’s toy.  DO NOT LEAVE THIS LYING AROUND FOR YOUR CHILDREN TO FIND.

Image courtesy of Babeland.

So I don’t care that the Shag Factory Swing Ring is a beautiful blue, or that its tail looks like it belongs on one of Giger’s aliens from the movies.  I do not care that the ball at the end of the tail has a star on it.  These were physical traits that were cute and/or gimmicky and/or pretty enough to attract me to the toy.  After trying to use it, though, all I care about is the stumpy blue thumb with warts on it that did NOTHING for me.  I mean, damn.  If you’re going to look blatantly unappealing, then at least impress me.

I’m a little bitter.  That cock ring was for ME, and I wanted to get something out of it.  But I didn’t.  And my partner didn’t, so there wasn’t even a consolation prize.  This leads me to believe that you probably shouldn’t consider the Shag Factory Swing Ring unless you find that you have a lot of success with similarly-shaped cock rings.

Thank you, Babeland, for providing me with the Shag Factory Swing Ring to review!

Wet For Her Four

About an age and a half ago (December, I think?), Wet For Her contacted me to do a review of their non-phallic double-ended dildo, the Wet For Her Toy Four.

 

Images cobbled together are courtesy of Wet For Her

I was thrilled about this, because I was wildly curious about Wet For Her toys.  As someone who has dated a lesbian who really wasn’t into penises (but could at least tolerate phallic shapes), I thought it might be an interesting opportunity to switch things up.  Epiphora did a review of the Wet for Her Two, and over the summer sent me the Two in a package (because I was wildly curious about it).

But this is a review about the Four.  So anyway, Erika was nice enough to send me the Four.  The timing wasn’t fabulously convenient, initially, because I was in a monogamous relationship with the slutling.  We could have used it anally; we simply never got around to it because I was still trying to make sure he could take a regular dildo before I tried fucking him with anything double-ended or in a harness.  Do make a note that you don’t have to be in a relationship with someone with a vagina to use this.  You’ll have to be mindful of the direction you point the curved end, but it’s perfectly good for any sort of partner play, no matter what genital configuration you’re packing.

I did, however, masturbate with this toy frequently.  (After all, one wants to use the toy several times before writing a review.  And it’s delicious.)

The Four is an amazing masturbation device for those with short arms, or with wrists that get tired from thrusting with their palms on the bottom of a flat-bottomed dildo.  The connecting material between the Four’s two parts is very solid and sturdy, which is exactly the opposite of the connection that the Feeldoe has.  This means that the part of the dildo that’s meant to go in the partner wearing it makes a great handle.

When masturbating, the Four hit my g-spot pretty well.  Because the end is tapered like two fingers, it isn’t particularly wide or flat, but I don’t exclusively need that width.  Because of the sturdiness of my “handle,” it was easy to thrust with the degree of force I needed.  Now, Epiphora raises a good point about the Two that is also true for the Four: it’s not a set of fingers, so it can’t move or adjust the curve like real fingers can.  They will always be in that shape.  Unless your partner only does one thing with their fingers, then it will not be like partner play. And if you don’t like fingering, it’s just not the same as using a phallic dildo with a wider head.

The Four also comes with a bullet you can put in it.  I only tried the toy with the bullet once because of my previous bullet-optional toy follies (see: The Protouch From Hell).  I don’t feel so crazy about it.  The toy is very thick, so I’m not sure that I can say you’ll get a lot sensation from the vibrations.  And internally, most vibrations are very “meh” for me anyway.

Aside from masturbating, I did try to use the Four the way that Wet For Her intended.  When I became single, my ex/roommate and I decided to have sex again.  The Four was not the focus of our play, but we decided to try it in the middle of things, because I was very conscious of the fact that I needed to hurry up and review the thing.  (This was in February, so I was already lagging on my review.)  Since I’m the aggressive one out of the two of us, I opted to try fucking her with it, and decided I wouldn’t waste time bothering with my harness.

I carefully inserted the toy, and was immediately a little disconcerted when I stood up.  It didn’t want to be in my vagina.  By sheer force of will and vaginamancy (human sacrifice), I kept it inside myself and prepared her for the ride of her life.  Unfortunately, the ride was drastically impaired by the same thing that has ruined harness use for me every time I’ve tried it: I am five feet tall.  My partners are always at least eight inches taller than me.

Seriously, guys.  I tried bending her over the bed.  I tried using Fuck Mountain (my pile of Liberator sex furniture).  We tried it with her standing up (why did we bother with that?).  We even tried to have her climb on top, and I can’t even remember if she managed to mount me or not.  If she did, we didn’t keep it up very long.

So she said, “Well maybe I can fuck you with it.” Hell yes, I love dildos!  My body is ready!

Or not.

Height difference didn’t have time to come into play, because she put the Four in, then had trouble keeping it in.  It’s not a failure on her part by any means – she simply doesn’t bother with insertion.  Like, ever.  Only in sex with other people.  So it’s normal for her pelvic muscles to be less strong than those of someone who spends hours a week using a variety of dildos and ben-wa balls on themself (me).  It’s not like she has a reason to sit around doing kegels.  But unfortunately, that meant no double-dildo lovin’ for me.

So I haven’t really had an opportunity to play with the Four much more than that.  I’m in another monogamous relationship with a man who doesn’t have a vagina and doesn’t get much out of receiving anal.  I am often plagued by frustration with review toys because if I don’t get to try their intended use, or use them multiple times, I feel like it’s not thorough enough to form a fully-accurate review.

The Four isn’t a bad toy.  I like to masturbate with it, and I like that the partner end doesn’t flop around because of a thin connection with the penetrator’s end.  I think it’s a great masturbation device and offers a lot of potential for people who have specific ability-related needs involving their hands and sex toy use.  I do not feel the need to use the bullet, but it’s a nice thought for those who may enjoy that.  My review can’t offer much critique on the intended use for the toy, but I do know this: you need strong PC muscles.  Muscle strength is probably less crucial (but still beneficial) if you pair the Four with a harness, like the Joque (<3).  If you’ve got double-dildo experience, you and your partner will enjoy the shape of the toy, and you’re curious about the Four, I encourage exploration with it if you’ve got the money.

Ultimately, the biggest thing I learned from this experience is that you probably need to be capable of fucking someone with a dildo before you try to use the Four.

Thanks so much to the gang at Wet For Her for letting me try the Toy Four!  I owe all of you some orgasms. *Wink.*