The Protouch From Hell

DSCF1303My orifices were excited about sending up a report on another Tantus product. You all know how much I love Tantus.  The Protouch was just another product to check off my list of Tantus toys to fuck before I die…. unfortunately, I can’t check it off yet.

Because I can’t get it in my ass.

No, I don’t know why.  It’s not very big!  The thinnest point is about equivalent to a finger and a half, on my hand, but my ass just will not have it.  (It’s only had one finger in it, anyway.)  I tried putting it in while I squatted over the toilet.  It jumped into the bowl instead.  I tried throwing my leg up on the wall and shoving it in that way.  It took a dive for the floor.  Sprawled out on my bed?  That thing was going anywhere but my ass.  I STILL have not put this toy inside myself, and it has been in my possession for roughly two months.   TWO MONTHS, GUYS.

However, I’m fortunate enough to have Slutling, who not only lets me test my toys on him, but also has an ass that doubles as a bag of holding.  I let him describe what wearing it is like, because I’m not his fucking secretary.

Honestly, for a toy that I’d expect to have hit my prostate, the Protouch kinda failed on that point.  Just having it in, wiggling it around, or using it with the vibe didn’t really seem to hit my P-spot.  Even having Sugarcunt use it on me didn’t make it hit anything.

I think the finger shape of the Protouch is nice, and inserts pretty easily.  But it doesn’t feel particularly special inside my ass.  To be fair, the only other plug I can compare it against is the Bootie, which also feels good but isn’t spectacular.  However, I was expecting more out of this toy and it didn’t really give me any.  The round base also means it can be a bit uncomfortable to walk around with when you’re wearing it.  It generally took me a minute of muscle control to really make sure I was holding it in, but I was fine after that.

The vibrations were transferred decently, but not with the bullet that came with it.  That bullet was too weak to really give more than a light sensation.  Using a different one had better results.  I’d imagine this might be a decent toy for anal newbies, especially ones that want a vibration and have to play solo.  If you’re with someone else, it seems like their finger would be just as good an option, albeit one that lacks the vibration.

So that’s what this toy feels like in his ass.  I’m not so sure about his guess that the Protouch would be “good for beginners,” because aside from the fact that the phrase itself is a death sentence for a  review (ask Epiphora), I’m more of an anal beginner than he is, and this toy was not good for me.  I have, as an inexperienced anal enthusiast, had the most success with tapered toys that start a bit smaller than the Protouch does.  While the Protouch does increase in size gradually, it doesn’t have the kind of taper that I’d like to have in my ass, and because its width doesn’t thin out again at the bottom, it seems a lot more difficult to keep in your ass than it should be.

However, my notes are written as someone who hasn’t experienced it internally.  I do have a pretty prominent complaint about it that I do have experience with, though.  The slutling calls this the “toy from hell” because of the time we’ve had when we tried to use bullets with it.

Don’t put the vibrator in this toy without lube.

Better yet: don’t put the vibrator in this toy at all if you ever plan to clean it.  (And you should.)

When I first received the plug, I was so eager to give it a go that I popped the bullet in without lube and ran around, waving it in delight as it buzzed away.  That was all well and good, until I needed to clean it.

The bullet wasn’t coming out.

I used my chain-nose pliers.

The bullet wasn’t coming out.

I got the slutling to pull at the plug while I pulled the bullet.

The bullet wasn’t coming out.

We tried a thousand permutations, and none of them worked.  It would have been comical, in a Schadenfreude kind of way (you know, if I hadn’t been the one struggling with it).  I turned to Twitter for help, and was told that I should never put a bullet into a toy without lubing it up first.  Great advice, except it came an hour too late.  The second piece of advice I received was that squeezing some lube in might help dislodge the bullet, and that spinning it as I pulled out just might help.  I also received a suggestion about pliers, but that was irrelevant, since I had already tried every pair I owned (and as a jeweler and computer nerd, that number is astronomical).

Lubing the thing up didn’t help.  Even though I squeezed some lube down the side of the bullet and worked it into the sleeve, the vibe still wasn’t going anywhere.  I was at a complete loss.  Because I was desperate to get the Protouch clean, I figured I could just hold the “tainted” part of the plug in my electric kettle before giving it a thorough (and careful) cleaning with soap.  Instead, I  ended up dropping the entire thing inside the boiling water.  I think the water interacted with the lube enough to help me get the bullet out, which was perfect, because the bullet was now completely fried.  To make an omelette, you’ve got to ruin a few shitty bullets… or something.

The second time we used the Protouch, we lubed the bullet sleeve carefully before insertion.  Post-coitus, we found ourselves in the same struggle we had been in when we hadn’t used lube.  And better, still, the lube actually made the bullet even more difficult to grasp.  Because THAT was what the predicament needed: a slippery bullet!  I opted to wait several hours before trying to remove it again, which helped immensely.  To prevent redundancy, let us just say that I eventually got the bullet out without dropping the plug in water and ruining the bullet, and to this day, have yet to use the thing with vibrations.  The benefit of the vibrations (which aren’t that astounding, if you’re using the factory bullet) do not warrant the time that you will waste attempting to move it.

Despite my complaints about removing the bullet from it, it isn’t a bad butt plug… not that it’s amazing, either.  If you like the feeling of being filled by a still finger, then the Protouch is the perfect shape for you.  It may not be the easiest plug to walk around in, but if you’re wearing it while sitting or lying down, that won’t be much of a concern.  Because it’s made of silicone, it’s phthalate-free, body-safe in general, and incredibly easy to clean… provided you don’t have any trouble with the bullet.  If you’re interested in trying some very subtle anal vibrations, and (god help you) willing to battle with the bullet, then this isn’t a terrible way to introduce your ass to something new.  The Protouch is a reasonable purchase in my book.  It still makes the rounds in my bedroom when I’m playing with the slutling, but it isn’t the best thing I have to put in his ass.  It probably won’t be the best thing that you put in yours.  However, I’m fairly confident that it isn’t the worst.  It’s just kind of mediocre, I guess.  And one day, maybe it’ll be a mediocre thing that has actually been in my ass, too!

Just remember:

1) You really shouldn’t engage in anal play without lubricant, and

2) It’s silicone… so you can’t use most silicone lube with it, unless you’re willing to secure the plug with a condom first, or do a test patch. I’ve had good results using Uberlube with Tantus toys, but ALWAYS test it first, just in case.

You can get a Protouch at Shevibe for $39.99!

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