Hello friends. After reading my Weird Amazon Products Reviewed As Sex Toys post, perhaps, during your idle moments sometime in the last few weeks, you have heard a faint noise in the distance. As soon as you notice it, it ceases. It haunts your dreams, a ghostly yodeling that pierces through the noise and fog of daily life. The yodeling pickle haunts you… and this week, it is bringing friends: Nicholas Cage and Mary & Carrie Contrary.
Mary: “WHY?! That’s… NOT where a dog’s boobs go…”
Carrie: “I feel sad for Marilyn Monroe. This is where her legacy has left us. I don’t have much more to say about this… I just feel sad about where we’ve come as a society, to think this is appropriate.”
Perhaps you are uncomfortable at the first glimpse of this totally stacked dog’s out-of-this-world bazongas. Do not bow to your lizard-brain’s unenlightened impulses. Raise your consciousness to a higher plane where you can appreciate the subtle curve of her bosom, the way the light bounces off her platinum curls. Her name is Marilyn Bone-roe, we’re in love, and YOU CAN’T CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE, MOM AND DAD. We’re eloping tomorrow.
Anyway, we’re in love.
Carrie: “In Soviet Russia, dark Ixian hunts YOU.”
Mary: “My favorite part is the red eyes.”
Carrie: “Honestly, I like that horn, because with it I can pierce the reality between Amazon and my nightmares and go back and forth between the two at will.”
Sugar: “That doesn’t sound like a desirable trait to me…”
Carrie: “Well that’s the best part, I didn’t say it was actually great.”
I feel like this evil unicorn mask is a lot more menacing than those rubber horse masks (which you can also buy at Amazon if you feel like you need a complete collection), and I think that works in its favor. Now I can finally live out my evil anthropomorphic unicorn pursuit, take-down, and capture fantasies. I will plunge my evil, rainbow unicorn horsecock into my prey, and I’m pretty sure I can find some body-safe glitter to ejaculate all over their back.
10/10, will probably actually buy just in case somebody wants to do this.
Carrie: “This reminds me of nothing.net, where you could buy nothing and they’d ship it to you, or a t-shirt with nothing on it.”
Mary: “I’m loving the Q & A.”
Carrie: [reading from the Q & A] “How long will this stay nothing? Like, does it stay nothing as long as it’s in the packaging, or does it stay nothing after you’ve removed the package?”
Mary: “It really is nothing. Who would pay for that?”
Carrie: [reading a review] “I love the idea but did not get the product that was pictured…”
The perfect toy for break up sex. Get the foreplay started at dinner – give them the gift of nothing in pretty wrapping paper. Tell them they can’t unwrap it until you’re back at their place. Once you’re back, they unwrap it and you tell them it’s all the fucks you gave about the relationship, you argue, you break up, and then you have one last shag for the road, and you got it in style.
Your very own portal back to the late 1990s so you can fuck that one dude from that one boy band that you first got horny watching. Alternately, this is perfect for your Broad City sexual cosplay needs, because it is pure, unadulterated Kirk Steele.
Mary: *DEEP SIGH*
Carrie: “So… … are you buying the hedge pig and it comes with the visor, or are you buying visor and it comes with the hedge pig?”
Sugar: “If you’re lucky they’ll both come.”
Carrie: “Oh good, they have it in camo so then you can’t see either of them.”
Mary: “Take this, put it in your bag, you’d have a douchebag in a bag.”
Carrie: “Is it scratchy like a poorly-made wig, or smooth on the inside like a hat? I do like the camo option, though… because then you’d never find this horrific thing. You’d set it down on a nightstand or something and then it would disappear! And your life would be better for it.”
Mary: “I feel like a bunch of old, white, bald guys are going to buy this.”
Carrie: “I give it a 4/10… MIGHT could shag again, if I could find it. Especially if it’s camo.”
Me: “Tell me what you think. Tell me what this means to you?”
Mary: “OH GOD WHY?”
Carrie: “I needed something to correct a longer-than-four hour erection. The leopard print in that is a nice touch, though?”
Mary: “…b…but why?”
Carrie: “I feel as though the background would be better if it had pictures of Nic Cage on it as well.”
When I saw this I literally yelled, “WOW!” This is a real gem. Have you had trouble setting the mood lately? Can’t seem to “get your groove back?” This is the pillow for you. Look at that luxurious leopard-print. The artistic way the shadows play across Nic’s corded greyscale biceps. His penetrating stare. His chest bath mat. With this pillow in the room, you won’t need to steal the Declaration of Independence to gain access to your partner’s national treasure. This pillow is the secret pick-up artists won’t tell you. You’re welcome.
Thank you, Amazon. Thank you for your tireless efforts in bringing us… whatever this shit is.