The Little Vagina That Couldn’t: A Depression Story

If you ever look at my website, you can tell when I’m not updating. You have eyes. Old posts linger. Your feed reader’s section for my website never has updates. You don’t get e-mails with new posts. It’s because of my mental health – specifically my depression.

When some of us (who shall remain nameless even though it’s our blog) are depressed, brushing our teeth is too hard. Taking a shower is too hard. Getting out of bed is a cruel joke, but eventually has to happen. So as you can imagine, writing is not my first priority when I’m depressed. But when I feel like this, do you know what’s even further behind writing? Sex. Sex with myself. Sex with other people. It’s all a disaster waiting to happen. I will cry if you try to have sex with me right now. It is an inevitability.

I just don’t want sex anymore. Which sucks because I still love sex as a topic and an abstract thing. I still love my dildos. I still love the sex educator/blogger/positive community. I love making my partner feel good and participating in intimate activities with him. But my body has zero interest in these things anymore, and it’s spreading to my mind. When I do say, “Gee, maybe I should masturbate to see if I still have genitals,” I just use a vibrator, remember that my genitals exist, and then just feel largely ambivalent about what I just did to myself. Actually, that’s a lie now. I am too dysfunctional/tired/lazy to charge my vibrators (don’t laugh at me). I have been masturbating with my hands for two months.

It’s so frustrating because I don’t know why. I know why I’m depressed (my brain chemistry blows), I know that my depression and/or medications are probably affecting my libido, but I have no real explanation for the loss of mental interest in my own sex life. My best theory is that my body being so disinterested and uncooperative has just deterred me from the whole rigmarole. Maybe I am so eager to avoid bawling every time someone tries to go down on me that I am just training myself to avoid the activity altogether.

I’m working with a therapist and seeing improvements in some areas of my life, but we’re not really focused on my sex life right now because I have a whole ball of other trauma/issues/anxieties to address before the luxury of my genital interactions. I mean, if I have to prioritize things I need to fix with my mental health care professionals I think the pecking order is:

  1. Addressing my executive dysfunction so I can take care of myself like a normal human instead of living like a feral child who is too lazy to even hunt for food and has resigned herself to living off whatever she can find that doesn’t need to be cooked. Like ants or crickets. Or slices of cheese rolled up in turkey. Or individually-wrapped chocolates. And forget utensils, because today I drank applesauce with a straw to avoid washing a spoon
  2. Eliminating or dealing with restlessness and other GAD symptoms
  3. Assorted coping skills
  4. Getting me driving again without having a panic attack at the very thought of it
  5. Leaving the house on my own
  6. Whatever is left
  7. Sex

It’s not that sex isn’t important, it’s just that being a functional person who can go to the grocery store is probably more important. My husband understands, so it’s not like my relationship is under stress because I’m not masturbating or letting him go down on me. In fact, my relationship is great.

Don’t worry. I still have notes from older toys that I can write reviews for. And maybe one day I’ll get a hankering to use a dildo! So there’s writing to be done, I just need to be capable of doing it, and I’m working on that. After all, I’m writing this. Gold star for me!


  • Far FAR be it from me to suggest how you deal with things and in what order BUT….I will say this….intimacy and orgasms produce lovely brain chemicals that are fleeting but awesome. Is there a chance that putting the sex issue above a couple other things, maybe putting it at number 4 or 5, could actually aid the other things? Talk to your therapist, see what they have to say.

    But I do get it, and you get a big ass gold star for writing this. This is gonna be a long road but it’s worth it. You have a whole community supporting you, too.

    • It can’t hurt to try. Prioritizing my sex life could definitely yield more benefits in other areas, and I can always change my priorities around again later if it’s not working out for me.

      Thank you. <3

  • I don’t have a blog waiting for my regular input, but I have similar issues with sex and depression. At this point I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I only usually feel like masturbating around my period, and it’s often at least a couple of times a day during that, and then nothing at all the rest of the month. I used to be kind of upset about it (because I was a champion masturbator as a teen, let me tell you), and now it’s just… that’s what’s going on in my life right now. Whether it’s that I fully accept it or that I’m just too tired to get worked up about it, I don’t know, but I’d say just roll with it for now. Your readers will understand if you don’t have as much to say, or even if you take a straight-up break. ^^

    • Thanks. :) I just wish I could be more consistent. I like the community of bloggers and adding my input to it, as well as entertaining and educating the people who have been kind enough to stick with me throughout my blogging career and assorted absences.

  • Mandi

    Thank you for writing this. Crying when my partner & I attempt to have sex has become a reoccurring theme this year… and I have felt incredibly broken & ashamed about it. Simply knowing that I am not alone helps a little. Although I’m not glad that so many of us in this community are experiencing the same negative emotions, I am very glad that we are all here for each other. <3

    • You’re welcome. Thanks so much for commenting and sharing. It’s nice not to be the only one experiencing this – it normalizes it, instead of me feeling so isolated and like it’s just me being defective. Our community is great and supportive, and I’m a better, happier person because of that.

  • zaunfink

    Thank you for writing about the problems with sex and depression.
    Both my fiance and I suffer from depression, him more so than I, and it really helps me understand the times where he just loses all of his libido.
    I tend to have short-ish episodes (usually a month and a bit), while he is just baseline depressed with bad episodes and it really can be complicated when I’m coming out of one and my sex drive goes “Here I am now, entertain me!” and his hides somewhere…. I’m trying hard to understand him, because I love him, but since my sex drive never really disappears – I just lose my ability to fall and have orgasms, I still have and enjoy sex for the closeness it brings (at least most of the time) – it is hard.