It’s time, folks. Time that someone told you the truth about your sex toys.
JELLY TOYS ARE A GIFT FROM LUCIFER. IN THE FINAL DAYS JELLY SEX TOYS SHALL DESCENDETH INTO HELL TO CLAIM THEIR PLACE ON THE THRONE OF EVIL.
— Sugarcunt (@SugarCunt) May 9, 2015
Only in silicone shall you find sex toy righteousness and a path to sex toy nirvana. — Sugarcunt (@SugarCunt) May 9, 2015
The Sex Toy Bible is very clear. The Four Manufacturers of the Apocalypse shall come and you shall know them by name: California Exotics, Doc Johnson, Pipedream, and Topco. When the first four seals are opened they shall ride forth from Hell and leave destruction in their wake.
I looked, and behold, a white dildo, and he who sat upon it had a Jelly Gems toy; and a fuzzy dildo crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.
And another, a red dildo, went out; and to him who sat upon it, it was granted to take health from the genitals, and that toys would melt one another, and a great dong was given to him.
I looked, and behold, a black dildo; and he who sat upon it had a pair of masturbators in his hand. And I heard something like a voice in the center of the four living creatures saying, “A pound of TPR for a hundred, and three pounds of jelly for a hundred, but do not damage the cyberskin and the inflatable love dolls.”
I looked, and behold, an ashen dildo; and he who sat on it had the name California Exotics; and Jopen¹ was following with him. Authority was given to them over a fourth of the industry, to burn with chemicals.
Do not fear, family, for there is a brighter future in the light of safe toy materials. We can combat the evils of the four horsemen, but only if we study
the Word of the Nonporous.
Congregation, we shall now read from the first passage of the book of nJoy:
Stainless steel does not dishonor others, it keeps no record of wrongs.
The book of NobEssence:
Wood is patient, wood is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast.
Verse 23 of the book of We-Vibe:
Silicone never fails. Where there are patent disputes, they will cease; where there are lawsuits, they will be stilled; where there is a settlement, it will pass away.
The book of Vixen:
Vixskin I leave with you; my Vixskin I give you. I do not give to you as Pipedream gives. Do not let your genitals be troubled and do not be afraid.
Psalm 16 from the book of Fucking Sculptures:
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the manufacturer, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you orgasms and a future.”
The Song of Tantus:
The name of TANTUS is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.
And an extra verse from the Song of Tantus:
For every butt deserves a silicone plug, not some shoddy piece of toxic crap.