The Word of the Nonporous

It’s time, folks. Time that someone told you the truth about your sex toys.

 

The Sex Toy Bible is very clear. The Four Manufacturers of the Apocalypse shall come and you shall know them by name: California Exotics, Doc Johnson, Pipedream, and Topco. When the first four seals are opened they shall ride forth from Hell and leave destruction in their wake.dildo crown

Pipedream

I looked, and behold, a white dildo, and he who sat upon it had a Jelly Gems toy; and a fuzzy dildo crown was given to him, and he went out conquering and to conquer.

greatamericanDoc Johnson

And another, a red dildo, went out; and to him who sat upon it, it was granted to take health from the genitals, and that toys would melt one another, and a great dong was given to him.

Topcolovedoll

I looked, and behold, a black dildo; and he who sat upon it had a pair of masturbators in his hand. And I heard something like a voice in the center of the four living creatures saying, “A pound of TPR for a hundred, and three pounds of jelly for a hundred, but do not damage the cyberskin and the inflatable love dolls.”

masturbatorCalifornia Exotics

I looked, and behold, an ashen dildo; and he who sat on it had the name California Exotics; and Jopen¹ was following with him. Authority was given to them over a fourth of the industry, to burn with chemicals.

 

Do not fear, family, for there is a brighter future in the light of safe toy materials. We can combat the evils of the four horsemen, but only if we study

the Word of the Nonporous.

Congregation, we shall now read from the first passage of the book of nJoy:

Stainless steel does not dishonor others, it keeps no record of wrongs.

stainless steel

The book of NobEssence:

Wood is patient, wood is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast.

wood

Verse 23 of the book of We-Vibe:

Silicone never fails. Where there are patent disputes, they will cease; where there are lawsuits, they will be stilled; where there is a settlement, it will pass away.

wevibe

The book of Vixen:

Vixskin I leave with you; my Vixskin I give you. I do not give to you as Pipedream gives. Do not let your genitals be troubled and do not be afraid.

vixen

Psalm 16 from the book of Fucking Sculptures:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the manufacturer, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you orgasms and a future.”

fucking sculptures

The Song of Tantus:

The name of TANTUS is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

And an extra verse from the Song of Tantus:

For every butt deserves a silicone plug, not some shoddy piece of toxic crap.

Tantus

¹ Some of us actually admire some of Jopen’s toys… the Key Comet is an amazing G-spot wand. But they are owned by Cal Exotics, so make of that what you will.


  • There is technically a fifth, Nasstoys. They are part of the “Big 5” who started it all and are considered “founders” of the ANME show. We oddly don’t hear as much about them as the other 4 which is strange.

    I love this post. Love everything about it. I will be sharing the fabulous images when I get home. They are pure gold.

    • OMG, I forgot about Nasstoys! I know I’ve heard of them before, but not often. I wish I’d published this last week so you would have made this comment then and I could have included Nasstoys in my “just say no to shitty sex toys” post I put on my personal Facebook.

      THANK YOU! I am so happy that you like it!

      • Shevibe.com doesn’t even carry anything by Nasstoys so they must only produce heinous shit or not much. Or they produce under shadowy brands for each line, I dunno. Ok yeah. Looking at their site is ugh. I searched “silicone” and everything looks questionable, like a direct ripoff of another brand or just too cheap to bother.

        • Just visited the Nasstoys site. Nope nope nope. These toys are strange and questionable.

    • FieryRed

      Ha! Wrote my comment before reading yours. Clearly this post really IS golden.

  • This is a brilliantly hilarious way to bring this issue to people’s attention. I love it!

  • FieryRed

    This…this is…just gold. I giggled and nodded and spoke to my monitor. In tongues, probably. I have no memory of that which I sayeth.

  • This post is beautiful.

  • Tzipora

    I have been OBSESSIVELY reading sex positive blogs for the last few weeks, like hours and hours a day clicking links and you know down the whole internet rabbit hole (and on the upside feeling incredibly empowered!) But I kid you not, this is my favorite thing I’ve seen like ever! *bows down to Sugarcunt*

    Seriously, you are amazing! I’m seriously contemplating starting my own blog because I’m a writer with a lot of time on my hands and I’ve been contemplating so many things and hey the world needs a disabled lesbian sex blogger with some unique perspectives, right? Also though, I have so much admiration for so many of the awesome bloggers I’ve been reading and I just keep thinking “omg these are my people!” But this post, just seriously, genius! I flipping adore religious humor so, so much. And sex humor is like the other 80% of my mind (and sex toys, who doesn’t love sex toys when they’re nonporous, I’m so part of this church lol). So this was just so perfectly my sense of humor you have no idea. Like so perfect I’m a little bit in awe of its existence. So woot! Just wanted to share how much your post made my entire week and was so spot on hilarious and true to me. Thank you for this.

    • Thank you!

      You absolutely should start a blog. We need more unique perspectives, especially from disabled and non-heterosexual people!

      I was a little worried that the sacrilege might be a little more than some people could handle… fortunately those people haven’t come beating down my door with pitchforks. :P