I got out my porn and toys and my best friend asked, “Want me to bring you towels?” Oh, beautiful angel of mercy. You know me so well. I meticulously arranged the towels and got myself set up to play. I was ready for my mind to be blown. For starters, I’ve never used a vibrator that wasn’t operated by AAAs or AAs until I bought the Wahl, but it goes without saying that a corded vibe is supposed to be intense. I noticed that the Wahl’s cord has your standard, “Please don’t shower with me” warning label, but said label also warns against use on your genitals. As I plugged the Wahl in for the first time, I caught sight of that warning label and laughed, knowingly, murmuring, “Puh-lease, what’s the worst that could happen?” Everyone raves about this thing. I don’t think I’ve read a completely negative review of it yet. Maybe I just haven’t been looking hard enough. It was cheap, and it was WORTH IT. While the thing is a little big, somewhat gun-shaped, and rather heavy at the head of the device, the two vibration speeds are both incredibly agreeable.
[Image description: The Wahl 7-in-1 Electric Vibrator is sitting on a white background. The vibrator consists of a grey handle with a bulbous, round-edged, somewhat square-shaped head extending from one end. The other end of the vibrator has a power cord connected to it, and the Wahl has a bell-shaped white end attachment sticking out from the square at the other end. Shown around the Wahl are its six other head attachments: a head that is a slightly-domed, smooth, flat-ish disc, a head that is covered in three circles of nubs arranged in a bullseye pattern, a head that has a bullseye shape constructed by smooth lines and a nub, a head that is just a very large nub, a head that is a rectangle with four rippled shapes protruding from it, and a somewhat pyramid-shaped head with rounded edges.]
The Wahl has three settings: Off, Awesome, and OH FUCKING SHIT.
The first speed (which I nicknamed “Awesome”) is a pretty intense surface vibration that’s leg-twitch inducing when you brush it across the clitoris. The second speed (“Oh Fucking Shit”) is a little different. It feels deeper and more layered than the first, and it’s oh-so-satisfying. To me, the vibrations from the second speed are far more penetrating than the first. After experiencing the second speed, when I compare the two, I’m actually inclined to call the first speed a “light vibration,” even though there’s nothing light about it from a standalone perspective. Both of the vibration speeds are almost silent compared to the battery vibrators in my arsenal.
I generally opt to masturbate quietly when it’s just me, unless I’m feeling especially sexy, but I didn’t get a choice on this. It had been an hour of repeated, orgasm-less ejaculation. (I think I counted five. I think.) The last segment of Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes 2 was off, and free porn was on. I had the spot applicator (Epiphora‘s recommended jilling tip) on the Wahl. My anal beads were in, the Wahl was nestled against my clitoris and held in place between my legs because my hand had gone numb, and I had my jackrabbit in, thrusting against my g-spot. It was just too much.
What came out of my mouth was not the confident, empowered moan that my lips are accustomed to. It was like I was riding in the backseat, and the front seat was populated by an overwhelmed toddler that was reaching the apex of a hissy fit. (Note to self: never reference anyone under the age of 18 in sex blog again.) I wailed and it felt passive. I shuddered, convulsed, my legs twitched like crazy, and I soaked the towel in another gush that was so late in the orgasm that it was almost after the fact. A moment later, I felt like I lost all basic control of my bodily functions. The dildo left me without any work on the part of my hands, but my ass was like a vice, even five minutes later. To summarize the aftermath, I present to you the Lost Tweets, which Twitter stalled out and refused to post… probably for the sake of saving face for me.
“Oh. So that’s what a queef sounds like. No wonder it’s so taboo.”
“My ass feels like Thunderdome gone wrong. FOUR BEADS ENTER, NONE LEAVE.”
It was all such a blur that I can’t even tell you whether I was using Awesome or Oh Fucking Shit. I don’t remember. As I was packing up the Wahl, I caught sight of the warning label again. It needs something about temporary movement impairment.
My complaints about the Wahl are minimal. The size is a little bulbous, and a majority of the weight is focused in the head of the device, so it’s a little unbalanced and a bit heavy, at worst. It would probably be inconvenient to integrate into partner sex play if you had two bodies pushed against one another, like one might in the missionary position.
It will numb your hand if you hold it for too long, but I tended to solve this problem by positioning the vibrator with my hands, then holding it in place with my thighs. (Additionally, the numb hand is still totally worth the orgasm.) Another complaint relating to the hands is that the heads require a little bit of effort to attach and remove. I think this is reasonable enough when you consider that once the heads are fully attached, they don’t go anywhere, but, those who have problems with or disabilities relating to their hands (arthritis being the first and foremost that came to mind) might have a hard time forcing the different heads into place.
The cord means you need to be near an outlet, which isn’t a problem for me, but means that this probably wouldn’t be very convenient for sex out of the home. Because of the cord, its size, and the small size of my portable toybox, the Wahl may not make it into my “on-the-go” kit. However, the Wahl has a very special place in my bedroom.
Get one. Get one now. Get two for the hell of it. Use the ripple-y head on your thighs to work out the soreness from reverse cowgirl. (Did that.) Use the deep muscle head on your back to give yourself the massage you need. (Did that, too.) After all of that, settle in with a glass of wine, your choice of porno, literotica, or fantasy, and use the spot applicator to have the fun you deserve. Just make sure that the Wahl’s acclaimed “silence” isn’t essential, because while the vibrator might be relatively quiet, you won’t be.
|ORGASMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!||It’s big, and a bit heavy.|
|Super-quiet.||It numbs my hand after a while.|
|Multiple heads.||All heads not suitable for genitals.|
|Amazingly cheap.||It’s corded.|
|No batteries!||Wouldn’t be very comfortable between two people in missionary.|
|You can use it for things other than jilling! (But why would you want to?)||It gets a little warm after a while.|