Pros and Cons: The Golden Age of Hookups

I have a theory that we are entering the golden age of hookups. Technology has given us the means to find people to have sex with more easily than we ever could have in the past. Twenty five years ago, you went to bars or book clubs. You put out personal ads or bonded over BBS. In the year 2017, you can literally find strangers to have sex with using a phone. I’ve begun fleshing out this theory by examining a few of the pros and cons of hookup culture in 2017.

This shit is easy.

Pro: Oh. My. God. This is so easy! I can sign up for websites like sexwithnostrings.com/us/meet-and-fuck from my couch. I can browse Tinder when I’m in the car. I can use text messages to talk dirty to someone from the toilet, if I desire.

Con: Oh. My. God. Does nobody put any effort into this because it’s so easy? Apparently ease of use is a pass to do the absolute bare minimum to get laid. Which, like, that’s fine, you do you, and I’ll do me, but I wish that dating and hookup sites had an option for me to check saying that my potential matches had to at least demonstrate a little effort. Filling out a profile with words that actually tell me something about you is a good start.

The internet is a kinkster’s paradise.

Pro: You can meet some super fucking kinky people. The low-stakes nature of sites and apps during the Golden Age of Hookups means that people are so much more likely to be up-front about their kinks and desires. It’s way easier to ask somebody to drink your piss if you didn’t even have to change out of your pajamas to do it and you’ve got five other matches messaging you. I have way more luck finding people who will admit that they like erotic asphyxiation online than I’ve ever had finding them in person.

Con: You can also meet people who are super boring. Sometimes these people are also kinky, and maybe they’re just otherwise boring. Their interests don’t catch my eye (which is fine, I just don’t match with them) or they aren’t good conversationalists, or they’re bad at sexting.

I haven’t sexted a ton of people since joining Tinder – in fact, only one person has made the mistake of trying to sext me, thus far. It was a mistake because he was super bad at it, and he disqualified himself when he kept bringing up transgender people like they were fetish objects. (Admitting you’re nonbinary on Tinder apparently attracts a ton of chasers.) I don’t know if “you do all the work and I’ll tell you I like it” is standard sexting strategy for cis dudes on Tinder, or if this guy in particular was just really dull, but basically all he did was ask me questions about things I’ve done that he was clearly beating off to in between two word replies. For someone who talks openly about sex on the internet, these conversations are *not* masturbation material for me. This is boring, run of the mill stuff. Me telling him this was no more intimate than me tweeting about it, and I don’t masturbate to the stuff I tweet from Sugarcunt.

If I wanna jerk off thinking about the people I’ve had sex with in the past, I’ll do so without stopping to text some rando the story every few minutes. If someone tries sexting me and they’re bad at it, they’ve ruined their chances of meeting me in person. I’m turned off by boring, low-effort sexting. If you’re a shit sexter who can’t be bothered to say something that will turn me on, why would I want to see what you’re like in person? Exactly.

A wider net.

Pro: You’re not limited to people in your immediate local area. While the point of most hookup apps and sites is to meet and fuck, not everyone is looking to get together in person immediately, if at all. Some people are content to have distance hookups and relationships, and those are totally legitimate too! Not being limited to people in your town, state, or even your timezone can be a super amazing thing, especially if you live in a remote area where you don’t have a lot in common with the locals, like I used to. This allows you to find a relationship that you can fit into your schedule, too. You know what sucks about dating when you’re on the graveyard shift? Trying to get together with daywalkers. You know what you can do in the golden age of hookups? Date somebody in another timezone. You may not fuck together in person often, but I promise you, it is refreshing to find someone that wants to fuck you who is on a similar sleep schedule.

Con: Managing a relationship with a person in another timezone can be difficult, especially if you *aren’t* on the same wake/sleep schedule that they are. Long distance relationships (LDRs) aren’t for everyone, and while it’s awesome that LDRs have been greatly enhanced by modern technology, that time difference will foil even the best-laid plans sometimes. You have to honestly evaluate whether you can maintain a relationship in the face of those difficulties. If you can, it can be an amazing thing. If you can’t… well, set the allowed distance for your potential matches really low.

This golden age idea has been so fascinating for me, and it’s been on my mind a lot lately, especially thinking about how dating has changed so rapidly in the past few years. I’m going to explore this topic further in the upcoming months. If you have any thoughts about this topic that you’d like to share, I’d love to read them! Comment below, tweet me, or e-mail me at sugarcunt [at] sugarcuntwrites.com!

This post was sponsored, but all opinions and experiences shared are my own.

Lavacunt Erotica: Challenge Accepted

Hello, my friends. It has been a while since my last post, because I spent the first two weeks of August at the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit and then at Spacewitch Retreat. You know what sucks worse than con drop? Con crud and double con drop. **Finger guns.**

I finally got my shit together to write a guest post about my nonbinary identity and gender fluidity for my sweet friend Taryn, who runs the blog Ace in the Hole. But I wanted to post here before the end of August as well, so I figured I’d drop a short piece of erotica in for your reading pleasure.

Lately I’ve been writing erotica for the first time in years, because I’m trying to move away from my destructive habit of judging all my writing before I even finish a paragraph, then deleting it all. Examining my submissive and DD/little fantasies is helping me suspend that judgment.

This fantasy features my dominant partner Root. Right now, my wife Zoe is adjusting to having a polyamorous partner with their own partner for the first time, and so we are “don’t ask, don’t tell” on romantic and sexual details while we adjust to this new relationship structure. Because of that, I’m going to put this post under a “Read More” tag so that she doesn’t have to scroll through the dirty details on my homepage. Please do not discuss posts like this with her unless she initiates the conversation.

(more…)

Sexting Your Way to a Better Hookup

There is definitely an art to hooking up with people.  Having casual sex isn’t for everyone, and it’s also not something that most people just innately understand how to do with the greatest of ease for all parties involved. The biggest challenge that I find presented in modern hook-up culture is that if you have a lot of one night stands, or don’t get to hook up with a recurring partner frequently, it can be difficult to learn enough about your partner to have sex as satisfying as you’d like. I have a super easy potential solution to this: sexting.

When you have a few drinks before you go to a bar or party, we call that pre-gaming. Sexting is the pre-gaming of a hookup in my world. When I’m preparing for my sex hookups, I love to negotiate and plan my encounters, but even more than that, I love to build the tension and expectation. I love being teased and reading dirty words that give me lots of fuel to keep my embers burning until the big day arrives. If you want to use sexting to prime the pump, you’re going to love my favorite sexting techniques to create a five star hookup.

CC0 photo by Johnathan Pendleton featuring a person with a ponytail silhouetted against a sunset over the ocean. The person is staring at their cell phone.

Build the tension.

This is by far the most obvious use of sexting. If you give good talk or text, your partner is going to throb thinking about how amazing you’ll be in person. I find that the particular method of sexting that is most effective for building hookup anticipation in my life is talking about what you want to do to them, rather than role-playing.

If you don’t have a sexting style that you like, I have some advice for this. When sexting, I often like to convey a story with narration, sensation, and enthusiasm. The order can change, but the basic structure is something like, “I can’t wait to do [sex act] with you! [Details with relevant sensations here]. I want to [reaction you want to evoke].”

So, for example, here’s a bare-bones sext I would send:

“I can’t wait to go down on you when we’re alone. I want to pull your cock into my hot, velvety mouth and suck you until the only sounds you can make are incoherent syllable fragments that make up my name.”

Establish preliminary consent (a.k.a. planning)

Sexting is a great time to get some idea of your partner’s interests and negotiate boundaries. There are lots of good, hot ways to ask for consent, and to give your partner an opportunity to enthusiastically consent.

“I’ve been imagining what it would be like to eat you out until you have to beg me to stop before you pass out… is that something you’d be interested in trying sometime?”

Super easy, super painless. If they say no, it’s not a big deal! You can use that as an opening to say, “That’s okay! What would you rather we do instead?” Suddenly, you’ve opened a dialogue, and it’s a sexy dialogue.

Sharing technique

People like to be touched in different ways. Obviously, there’s no substitute for getting direction in the moment, but it can help to exchange this information ahead of time. The best way you can convey this to your partner is to tell them how you like to be touched. Do you like having your prostate hit? Your nipples bitten? Say it in a sext!

“I’m glistening just thinking about what it would feel like for you to slowly circle my clit with a finger.”

Simple and sweet. If your partner is paying attention, they’ll internalize this information for later. That doesn’t mean you should assume they’ll remember it in the moment, but some people, especially obsessive planners like myself, like to file this information away. If you have a partner like me, who pays meticulous attention to detail like this in order to learn exactly which buttons to push to get the reaction they seek, they will absolutely love you for doing this, and you will be rewarded.

The Takeaway

Hooking up can be super amazing, and sexting can be super amazing. Why not unite two amazing things? Do you remember the first time you ate Nutella and peanut butter? Potato chips on a deli sandwich? Pineapple on your pizza? (If you dislike pineapple on your pizza, disregard that and don’t argue with me because I will die on this hill.) The first time you hook up once you use these sexting techniques, it’ll be like the first transcendent bite of your favorite stoner snack.

This post was sponsored, but all opinions and experiences shared are my own.

Subsurgence

Hi friends! July has been very busy for a lot of reasons, and one of those reasons is that I got a new partner. I am still happily married to my wife, I’ve just moved more into the realm of polyamory rather than only confining myself to the realm of open sex. Right now, my wife is adjusting to having a polyamorous partner with their own partner for the first time, and so we are “don’t ask, don’t tell” on romantic and sexual details while we adjust to this new relationship structure. Because of that, I’m going to put this post under a “Read More” tag so that she doesn’t have to scroll through the dirty details on my homepage. Please do not discuss posts like this with her unless she initiates the conversation. This particular post is about a term I like to use called “subsurgence.”

Content warning: Some of this is sexually explicit.

(more…)

How Do I Write? Pt. 2: Reviewing Advice

In the last How Do I Write post I talked about general writing advice. Today I’m going to drop some truth bombs about sex toy reviewing. Some people don’t understand how I can write about sex toys and what they can do to start writing about them too. Lots of people have written about starting as a sex blogger, and you can find some links to other very valuable posts about this topic at the bottom of this post. Here’s my advice.

Don’t Put a Ton of Product Specs in Your Review

I think it’s easy to fall victim to this when you’re a new blogger. I know I did. You see other bloggers who write PARAGRAPHS about the packaging, all the measurements, the wattage, and just about everything else that you can find on a good product listing on a vendor website. They do not usually do this with commentary, they do it in a strictly informative manner that I do not find appealing. Sure, this is based on my opinion, but I have yet to meet anyone that was dying to read more than a sentence about a plastic bag or standard clamshell packaging.

All you’re doing is padding your review. If your toy came in particularly repugnant or difficult packaging, sure, say a few words. If said packaging gave you more trouble than the toy is worth, fine, tell that story. It might be funny, and people love to laugh at your struggles – I once wrote a review that focused almost entirely around how I couldn’t get a bullet out of a butt plug.

If you want to say how big something is, that’s fine, but I don’t want to read the exact information from the description on the product page in your review unless it actually has some relevance to what you’re about to say. If that butt plug has a 4″ diameter just say that and move on, or at least inject some personality into it and tell me that it made you feel mighty or your ass wept with fear or something. Talk about how you feel about that stuff.

Do you know what’s relevant? How strong the vibrations are, what speeds/patterns are useful and enjoyable, ease of use and general accessibility, and how it feels. That’s what product specs don’t tell you. That’s why we read reviews. Everything else is filler, and repeating boring product specs is filler that most of us secretly hate.

A picture from Hyperbole and a Half of a crudely drawn girl with a broom pumping her fist in the air, her eyes wide and mouth open while she yells. The caption says, "Write ALL the things!"Except the fucking product specs.

Your Review Doesn’t Have to be Smut

I’m sure there might be a market for this, but many of us don’t read reviews to read erotica. We might not like erotica, or we might prefer to keep those our erotica reading separate from our sex toy reviewing. If you want to write your reviews with explicit descriptions, then that’s fine! That can be your thing! But most of us do not, and your reviews don’t have to be, “I slid the Ina up and down my moist slit and rubbed it on my clit, moaning as warmth spread through my belly.” Most of us do not write like that and you don’t have to either unless you want to.

Don’t Apologize For Your Opinions About a Product

Sometimes you’re going to have unpopular opinions and you’re not going to like a product. You don’t need to grovel when you disagree with other people. We’re not going to form a mob and hunt you down if you don’t like the Eroscillator. I’d rather read a blatant, unapologetic, honest review that hated a toy I love than read something that spends four paragraphs saying, “Now I know this isn’t what everyone else feels like, and I’m sorry for this, and I wish I liked it, but…” No. If your genitals didn’t enjoy it then your genitals didn’t enjoy it. Limit yourself to one apology if you absolutely must apologize, finish writing your review, and move on.

And finally, relevant to what I just said is this:

Be Honest About Yourself and Your Reviews

Everyone says this, and we all mean it. You’re only hurting yourself if you’re not honest. How long do you want to keep writing a blog that’s based on lying to yourself and others? You can only keep telling yourself and us that you just loo-ooo-ooove everything about jelly toys for so long. “These chemical burns are the perfect accessory for a hot date!” “This melted in my bedside table but the strings of goop are great for tickling my taint!” “Pipedream makes high-quality, respectable products!” Quit it. You’re ruining the ethics of the sex blog industry and your inability to call it like you see it just convinces the Big Four (Pipedream, Topco, Doc Johnson, Cal Exotics) that they can get away with making toys out of cancerous garbage and no one will call them on it. We deserve better.

BONUS! A little bit of free SEO advice:

Keywords are a thing. Use keywords like a human being would use them in casual conversation instead of peppering keywords into a sentence about keywords. Keywords are super important but you want your keywords to come out feeling natural otherwise keywords are annoying. Keyword stuffing is when you use your keywords unnaturally and not only will people hate your keyword stuffing they will also hate you and your keywords.
Focus keyword: keywords.
Shitpost level: over 9,000.
See how annoying that was? Google isn’t impressed by it, either, and you want Google to like you. This post is probably on the Google robot shitlist right now and I did this for your benefit, people.

Using Keywords Appropriately

Try to use your keyword in your title, your post URL, and your meta description. Put it in your tags. Use it in a header tag – your H1 tag, if possible. Try to get it within the first 200 words of your page. These are appropriate places to use a keyword without pissing anyone off. You can use them a few more times in your content, but make sure they occur in a way that feels natural and aren’t all smushed in there consecutively. Find some synonyms or something.

With that said, keywords aren’t nearly as important as they used to be, and they aren’t going to catapult you to the #1 slot of the search engine results. Create good, in-depth content around your keyword, content that will make people want to link back to your site (which will help your search engine ranking too).

Will Ferrell from Anchorman on a blue background. It reads: "Content. It's kind of a big deal."

Other Resources

Like I said above, other (more established) bloggers have also written about how to get into the sex blogging business.

Ace in the Hole

SEO for Sex Bloggers

Dangerous Lilly

Five Things Every Sex Toy Reviewer Should Know

Ethics in Blogging

Your Crappy Writing Skills Turn Me Off

Why I Write – and Respect – Negative Sex Toy Reviews

Blogging 202: Taking Your Site to the Next Level

Lilly has many more posts in her Sex Blogger Education category, so you should just check them all out.

Epiphora

Beginner’s Guide to Sex Toy Reviewing and Blogging

15 Rules For Writing a Sex Toy Review That Doesn’t Royally Suck

In Conclusion…

Follow my advice and the advice of the seasoned bloggers. Do or do not, there is no try. If you do, your writing will improve. If you do not, I probably won’t read your blog regularly. I can’t promise that you’ll never get traffic, but I can promise that you will get more if your blog doesn’t suck.

How Do I Write? Pt. 1: Writing Advice from Sugarcunt

It’s going to make me sound full of myself, but I hear less blunt variations of this question semi-regularly. Sometimes they’re just asking in passing. Sometimes they genuinely want pointers. Sometimes I critique reviews (when asked to do so). Today I’m going to impart a little bit of my writing knowledge to you. If you already know all this: great! Good job! Asspats all around! But if you don’t, maybe you’ll learn something. This is one out of two posts about how to write in a way that people will want to read.

Write About What You Want

If you’re writing a sex blog it doesn’t have to be about toy reviews, or ONLY toy reviews. It doesn’t have to include erotica. Or if you want to write erotica you don’t have to write educational posts. Just because everyone else is doing something doesn’t mean that you should. And more importantly, don’t let a fear of judgment keep you from writing whatever you want. It’s your blog. You do you. If you write it they will come. Other platitudes go here. If you want to write about sucking whipped cream out of an asshole then do it. Someone will inevitably google that and will find your website.

Have a Point

Please know what you’re about to write. If you want to vent or ramble or navel-gaze then warn us that you’re about to do so, otherwise, have a point. Make an outline if you must. If you really want to make sure that we’re with you, introduce your point at the beginning of your post, flesh it out in the middle, and remind us of what the point was in your conclusion.

I know just as well as anyone how easy it is to sit down and brain dump everything into one place. It’s fine to do that just to get words on the page, but don’t publish that entire ramble. You might have two or three separate blog posts’ worth of points in there, so you’re shortchanging yourself, and you’re also screwing us over because we probably don’t want to read 3,000 words of aimless babbling, and anyone who slogs through it in search of a hidden gem of knowledge is going to resent you when it’s not there.

Actor Steve Carrell's character from Anchorman, a business-nerdy-looking white guy with large glasses and a smooth hair cut, has his mouth open and is yelling with a serious expression on his face. Caption reads, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M WRITING ABOUT" in all capital letters.

Be Yourself

Don’t try to be like the other bloggers. There are hundreds (is that an overestimate? I don’t think so. thousands, maybe. this is the internet) of sex bloggers. It’s certainly okay if you’re similar to another blogger, but don’t feel like your writing will suffer if you’re not. You don’t have to be poly to impart great wisdom about overcoming jealousy. You don’t need to be kinky to write hot sex scenes. You don’t have to like anal to be a respectable toy reviewer.

We don’t need another carbon copy of one of us on the scene. What we want is fresh blood with a fresh voice.

Find Your Voice

Figure out who you are as a writer and then put yourself on the page. Are you a smartass? Demonstrate it. Are you a nurturer? Write constructive, helpful posts. Once you’ve found your voice, use it. Make your writing a reflection of yourself. Let us see who you are, and talk about yourself and how you feel. Do this before you try to build your audience, because if they come to you expecting something you did once and you don’t keep doing it, they’re not going to keep reading. Do you really want to go through the trouble of building a readership more than once?

Most people don’t go to sex blogs to read thirty cold, unfeeling, strictly informative posts. We want to get to know the person behind the blog. You can do this without giving away sensitive information like your real name. In fact, you could stick your real name on a blog and if you don’t develop your voice then we won’t have learned anything about you.

Frowning green anthropomorphized fish from Spongebob Squarepants with the text, "Doing creative writing and I'm a cynical cunt."

Don’t Try to Force Your Jokes

We all make jokes that fall flat sometimes. If your jokes aren’t coming with relative ease then you need to slow your roll; don’t try to force them out. Maybe this post isn’t going to be the funniest thing on your blog, and that’s okay. There’s always the next post. Good posts don’t have to be funny. Hell, maybe funny isn’t your thing. Good news: it doesn’t have to be. Plenty of blogs are read because they’re informative or interesting, and most of them don’t focus on being humor blogs.

Edit Your Work

If you want to take your writing from good to great (or poor to passable), edit your work. Write it all out, and then edit it. (You will have a bad time if you try to edit while you’re writing. I do it all the time and I need to stop because I end up with strange orphaned sentences.) Proofread your writing before you post. If you have time, take a break before proofreading, then come back and do it. Read it out loud to make sure you catch errors. Read it backwards. Once you’ve proofread it once do it again just to be sure your corrections make sense. Once you’ve posted your piece read it again and edit it if you catch an error.

Don’t be redundant. Don’t cram your writing full of unnecessary adjectives. Learn grammar and use it correctly. Your computer comes with spellcheck – do not ignore it. Nothing turns me off more than a review that clearly has not felt the loving embrace of spell check. I will stop reading anything that has a lot of spelling and grammar errors that distract me from the content. It could be the most interesting story in the world and I would still sooner chuck my laptop out the window than finish reading it.

A photo of Gordon Ramsey telling someone off. It reads, "You've used so many adjectives people will think Stephanie Meyer wrote it."

 

That’s it for my general advice! Stay tuned, because in the next How Do I Write post I’m going to give you tips specific to sex toy reviewing.

Woodhull SFS17: Crowdfund Queer PoC and Trans Blogger Attendance!

I’m SUPER pumped about going to Woodhull’s Sexual Freedom Summit ’17 (a.k.a. SFS17)! Shevibe was kind enough to sponsor my registration and room costs, so I’m definitely attending and I can’t wait to see everyone there. This blog post isn’t about how much I’m freaking out about attending, though – it’s about getting other bloggers there too!

Image reads, "Help trans bloggers get to SFS 17! Woodhull is matching funds raised by Sugarcunt to bring trans bloggers to this year's summit! Check out woodhullfoundation.org for more details!" The image background appears to be notebook paper, and other than the text the image features Sugarcunt's logo ("CUNT" spelled out in rainbow sex toy silhouettes) and the Woodhull Foundation's logo.

I started a fundraiser in May to help bring transgender bloggers to Sexual Freedom Summit ’17! Two of my favorite bloggers, Insert Trans Here and Taylor J. Mace of Feisty Fox Films, are the intended beneficiaries. Newer bloggers tend to have a lot more difficulty securing sponsorships than more established members of the community, so I wanted to ensure that they would both be able to attend without having to find sponsors for the full cost (which can be tricky no matter how experienced you are). We’ve raised over 50% of our goal thanks to an AMAZING outpouring of community support, and now the Woodhull Foundation is matching up to $750 in donations! If we meet our goal in donations, Woodhull’s matching will make it possible for me to help other trans bloggers attend, so please donate and share widely. If you have already donated, thank you so much, from the bottom of our hearts.

Image is a green, square-patterned background with the Twitter profile photos of PinkLotusBud, TheNotice, and MakeupAndSin, which depict them in 2 photos and a drawing. The text reads, "Help bring bloggers of color to Woodhull 2017!"

My most recent fundraiser launched today, and is dedicated to bringing 3 bloggers of color to SFS17! Victoria of Pretty Pink Lotus Bud, Rae of The Notice, and Carly of Dildo or DilDon’t — will be attending this year, but need some extra financial support to make it to the summit. This goal is larger than my goal for the trans fundraiser, and we have less time to reach it. Sex bloggers of color are vastly outnumbered by white bloggers in our community, so share and donate to help these bloggers bond with their community and improve the Summit with their feedback!

Dangerous Lilly has helped me reach out to retailers about matching donations for this fundraiser while I move, and she got not one, but TWO retailers to match donations, AND one is offering donation incentives!

Image of five Come As You Are-branded handkerchiefs overlaid atop one another, green, black, red, blue, and pink, on a green, square-patterned background. The text reads, "Donors get at CAYA hanky or tote and 30% off in the CAYA online store! Come As You Are is matching donations! Donate now!"

Come As You Are Co-Op is offering donors who contribute $25 or more 30% off in their online store and their choice between a Come As You Are hanky or tote! They’re also matching up to $800 in new donations, so please donate if you haven’t already.

Image features three multicolored Swarovski crystals on a green square-patterned background and reads: "Thank you Crystal Delights! Crystal Delights is matching $250 in donations to bring bloggers of color to #SFS17. Donate now!"

Crystal Delights matched $250 in donations! I have consistently been impressed with Crystal Delights’ commitment to charity in the past, and was so thrilled to have their support here.

Please keep sharing this to help us meet our goal in time to get these bloggers to the Summit!

If you’re interested in attending Sexual Freedom Summit ’17, check out this post by Lilly where she discusses some options to get yourself there, such as blogger scholarships and free registrations. Be sure you read her description of the Digital Content Creator Meet and Greet, as well, and RSVP if you can come! We want to meet you, skill share, and network!

Weird Amazon Products Reviewed As Sex Toys 2

Hello friends. After reading my Weird Amazon Products Reviewed As Sex Toys post, perhaps, during your idle moments sometime in the last few weeks, you have heard a faint noise in the distance. As soon as you notice it, it ceases. It haunts your dreams, a ghostly yodeling that pierces through the noise and fog of daily life. The yodeling pickle haunts you… and this week, it is bringing friends: Nicholas Cage and Mary & Carrie Contrary.

Pup-A-Razzi Silver Screen Starlet Dog Costume

Screenshot of the Amazon listing for the Pup-A-Razzi Silver Screen Starlet Dog Costume. The product photo shows a bulldog in a white dress and blonde with with a ridiculous span of human cleavage above the dress' bustline.

Mary: “WHY?! That’s… NOT where a dog’s boobs go…”

Carrie: “I feel sad for Marilyn Monroe. This is where her legacy has left us. I don’t have much more to say about this… I just feel sad about where we’ve come as a society, to think this is appropriate.”

Perhaps you are uncomfortable at the first glimpse of this totally stacked dog’s out-of-this-world bazongas. Do not bow to your lizard-brain’s unenlightened impulses. Raise your consciousness to a higher plane where you can appreciate the subtle curve of her bosom, the way the light bounces off her platinum curls. Her name is Marilyn Bone-roe, we’re in love, and YOU CAN’T CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE, MOM AND DAD. We’re eloping tomorrow.

A photoshopped picture of two people in black outfits standing together with arms around one another. The person on the viewer's left has a bulldog's head photoshopped onto their neck, and a blonde wig on the bulldog. The person on the right has Sugarcunt's head photoshopped onto it.Anyway, we’re in love.

Evil Unicorn Face Mask
Screenshot of an Amazon product listing for an evil unicorn mask. The product photo is a person wearing a menacing black unicorn mask with red eyes.

Carrie: “In Soviet Russia, dark Ixian hunts YOU.”

Mary: “My favorite part is the red eyes.”

Carrie: “Honestly, I like that horn, because with it I can pierce the reality between Amazon and my nightmares and go back and forth between the two at will.”

Sugar: “That doesn’t sound like a desirable trait to me…”

Carrie: “Well that’s the best part, I didn’t say it was actually great.”

I feel like this evil unicorn mask is a lot more menacing than those rubber horse masks (which you can also buy at Amazon if you feel like you need a complete collection), and I think that works in its favor. Now I can finally live out my evil anthropomorphic unicorn pursuit, take-down, and capture fantasies. I will plunge my evil, rainbow unicorn horsecock into my prey, and I’m pretty sure I can find some body-safe glitter to ejaculate all over their back.

10/10, will probably actually buy just in case somebody wants to do this.

Gift of Nothing

 

Screenshot of an Amazon Listing for the Gift of Nothing. The product image is an empty plastic ball about the size of a medium Christmas tree ornament that is completely empty.

 Carrie: “This reminds me of nothing.net, where you could buy nothing and they’d ship it to you, or a t-shirt with nothing on it.”

Mary: “I’m loving the Q & A.”

Carrie: [reading from the Q & A] “How long will this stay nothing? Like, does it stay nothing as long as it’s in the packaging, or does it stay nothing after you’ve removed the package?”

Mary: “It really is nothing. Who would pay for that?”

Carrie: [reading a review] “I love the idea but did not get the product that was pictured…”

The perfect toy for break up sex. Get the foreplay started at dinner – give them the gift of nothing in pretty wrapping paper. Tell them they can’t unwrap it until you’re back at their place. Once you’re back, they unwrap it and you tell them it’s all the fucks you gave about the relationship, you argue, you break up, and then you have one last shag for the road, and you got it in style.

Flair Hair

Screenshot of the Amazon product page for Flair Hair. The product image shows that Flair Hair is a visor with a built-in spiky wig. The Flair Hair in the picture is a camo visor with dark blonde hair that has frosted tips.

Your very own portal back to the late 1990s so you can fuck that one dude from that one boy band that you first got horny watching. Alternately, this is perfect for your Broad City sexual cosplay needs, because it is pure, unadulterated Kirk Steele.

Screencap of Ilana from Broad City staring, open-mouthed, at her computer screen. You can't see what's on-screen.

Mary: *DEEP SIGH*

Carrie: “So… … are you buying the hedge pig and it comes with the visor, or are you buying visor and it comes with the hedge pig?”

Sugar: “If you’re lucky they’ll both come.”

Carrie: “Oh good, they have it in camo so then you can’t see either of them.”

Mary: “Take this, put it in your bag, you’d have a douchebag in a bag.”

Carrie: “Is it scratchy like a poorly-made wig, or smooth on the inside like a hat? I do like the camo option, though… because then you’d never find this horrific thing. You’d set it down on a nightstand or something and then it would disappear! And your life would be better for it.”

Mary: “I feel like a bunch of old, white, bald guys are going to buy this.”

Carrie: “I give it a 4/10… MIGHT could shag again, if I could find it. Especially if it’s camo.”

Nicholas Cage Pillow

Screenshot of the Amazon listing for a pillow with a black and white picture of Nicholas Cage on it. In the picture, Nicholas is shirtless and reclined on a bed covered in leopard-print sheets.

Me: “Tell me what you think. Tell me what this means to you?”

Mary: “OH GOD WHY?”

Carrie: “I needed something to correct a longer-than-four hour erection. The leopard print in that is a nice touch, though?”

Mary: “…b…but why?”

Carrie: “I feel as though the background would be better if it had pictures of Nic Cage on it as well.”

When I saw this I literally yelled, “WOW!” This is a real gem. Have you had trouble setting the mood lately? Can’t seem to “get your groove back?” This is the pillow for you. Look at that luxurious leopard-print. The artistic way the shadows play across Nic’s corded greyscale biceps. His penetrating stare. His chest bath mat. With this pillow in the room, you won’t need to steal the Declaration of Independence to gain access to your partner’s national treasure. This pillow is the secret pick-up artists won’t tell you. You’re welcome.

 

Thank you, Amazon. Thank you for your tireless efforts in bringing us… whatever this shit is.

Non-Monogamy For Snowflakes

In 2015 my wife and I decided to experiment with non-monogamy. Through a series of comical and confounding miscommunications, we both labeled ourselves polyamorous and found ourselves back on OKCupid. If you’ve read any of my posts about online dating before, I’m sure you can anticipate how much I was dreading this. Putting yourself out there on any dating site for the first time can be intimidating when you don’t know what to expect, but once you DO know what to expect it’s intimidating for a different reason. Have you ever had a dog that freaks out whenever you tell them it’s time to go to the vet? My brain is that dog, and dating websites are the vet, except it’s debatable whether the vet will help me in any way.

Here’s something I didn’t count on: it was way harder to find a partner in my area on OKCupid as a married polyamorous person than as a single person. We weren’t unicorn-hunting, it was just super difficult to find non-monogamous people. Since we live in a rural town in the mountains of North Carolina, it’s also a lot harder to find queer and kinky folks in general, and your dating pool shrinks significantly if you’re only looking for non-monogamous people in those categories.

Another thing that sucked was that it also fostered a weird competitive undercurrent in our relationship. I don’t think either of us was consciously thinking in competitive terms, but my wife wasn’t getting as many messages as I was, and it seemed difficult for that not to discourage her. Whether we liked it or not, the mean parts of her brain compared our numbers. I knew this was because she was presenting male on a dating website.

If you appear female on a dating website, you’ll get a barrage of messages from horny dudes whether you’re married or not. They’re not usually polyamorous, they’re usually assholes who are just looking for no-strings-attached sex. (NSA sex isn’t why they’re assholes.) This actually ruins the chances for perfectly decent male-presenting humans, because this is a driving force that governs how we interact with messages and other people in general. When I considered myself monogamous, I would have been skeptical of a married man messaging me and saying he wanted to hook up or date, so I have a firsthand understanding of how wary someone might be when they get an OKCupid message from a married person.

When this happened, we didn’t know much about dating websites geared toward non-monogamous or kinky folks, like Swingtowns. In recent years more businesses like this are becoming publicly visible, and that’s a total relief. No longer will non-monogamous people have to spend hours straining monogamous people out of their dating pool!

We ended up adopting a different relationship structure a few months later, and part of what helped us make the decision to change it was how incredibly fucking stressful trying to meet people online was. There is a certain degree of time and effort involved in actively hunting for new partners that can be exhausting, especially when you’re fishing in the wrong pond. The other part of our decision was that we weren’t particularly romantically available to others, which wasn’t going to make meeting people any easier. Now I interpret us as being more monogam-ish than monogamous or polyamorous. This arrangement works for our relationship so much better than feeling like we have to commit to one label or the other and much more accurately describes the flexibility and intentions of our agreement.

If you’re discussing opening your relationship for the first time, consider talking more about what the experiences and flexibility you desire are before you try to label it. There is no one-size-fits-all style of non-monogamy – each relationship is like a snowflake: unique, complex, nuanced, and beautiful.

 

This post was sponsored, but all opinions and experiences shared are my own.

Seed: What You Shouldn’t Call Your Semen If We Fuck

Photo of a line of baby plants in pots silhouetted in a windowPhoto credit: Gratisography

This week on Twitter there has been some casual discussion about words that we use for penile ejaculate. One of my top three most hated words for semen is “seed.”

This is purely about me (although I know other people have a similar mindset), but I am repulsed by the idea of myself bearing children. I do not want children, and I refuse to go through the pain and toil of pregnancy and birth. It’s totally fine for other folks – not repulsive at all! But the idea of doing it myself sounds like a personal nightmare. It makes my skin crawl.

With that in mind, the word “seed” squicks me out. With the constant barrage of political and social anti-choice rhetoric that essentially reduces AFAB humans and their bodies to an Easy-Bake Oven, sexually interacting with people who use the word “seed” to describe their semen when they’re with me makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I’m not potting soil. I do not exist to grow things. And I do not want to be pregnant. Some people have impregnation fetishes, and that’s fine, but that’s a hard limit for me. My baggage renders me unable to sexualize my impregnation. Calling it that makes me feel like a broodmare and conjures up my fear of pregnancy – two huge turn-offs for me.

I wrote this handy poem to all my present and future partners who want to use this word with me:

If you must call it your “seed,” I do not want to do the deed.
I do not want a seed in me – I do not want it, let me be!
I do not want it in a car, I do not want it in a bar.
I do not want it on a boat, I do not want it – sink or float!
I do not want it in my ass, I do not want it on the grass.
I do not want it in my mouth, I do not want it north or south
I do not want your seed, I plead. I do not want us both to breed!
Dear, if you care for my desire, release your seed into a fire.
If you want us both to fuck, don’t call it seed – you’ll have good luck!