Let me set the scene for you.
6:00 A.M. I wake in a cold sweat, haunted by cries of “beyBEEEE” and “CAWK”! I may never sleep again.
6:20 A.M. I sit down to write this review, weeping quietly to myself.
Where to begin? I am hungry, yet nauseous. Tired, but unable to return to bed. Scarred, yet optimistic about making a full recovery once I stumble upon a shocking revelation during a therapy session that takes place many years from now: worse porn exists. Not much, but some. It has to… right?
The only was this porno could have hurt me more was if I had watched Ron Jeremy drill Farrah.
Let me make something clear to you: James Deen could not save this film. He tried. He offered instruction. He drilled her ass. But his thinly-veiled attempts to hide his contempt combined with his unwilling chubby implied that no one, and I repeat, NO ONE, forgets their brain when they come to fuck The Deen.
Apparently the contract was that Deen and Farrah were supposed to act like a couple making a sex tape that is then leaked against their will. Which would have been all convincing and well and good if she hadn’t been spotted waltzing out of Vivid with her young daughter and her dad. And if she hadn’t fucked the notorious James Deen. Oh. And if SHE HADN’T NEGOTIATED WITH A BUNCH OF PORN COMPANIES.
Oh wait, I owe you an explanation.
You know that I have nothing against porn. But Farrah Abraham does.
“This is not a porn tape. A porn tape is when you are a porn star and you wanna be naked and wanna wear crazy other stuff. And that’s what’s really hard for me to even deal with. I’m not ok with that and that’s not what this is.”
Apparently Farrah has forgotten the first ten minutes of the porno where she goes from wearing a dress with nothing under it to being naked to wearing lingerie SPECIFICALLY for the purpose of taking it back off. She has a bag of underwear that Deen drags up the steps for her to pick from.
So reading that quote, I hope that you understand what I have against Farrah’s raging ignorance and her desire to call this a “sex tape” rather than a “porno.” Her porno reportedly had a budget. It is edited. (Very obviously edited, and I’m pretty sure it had to be, since this woman couldn’t handle Deen’s penis at all. Epiphora called it – “Is he getting softer?”)
Navigator pointed out that she did not have high hopes for this film.
“All I’m gonna say is I read Star Trek fanfic from 1989 this afternoon and I expect it to be hotter than this will be.”
We even played a game that The Redhead Bedhead concocted called “stuff that’s hotter than this.” Here are the contenders:
“CIRCUMCISION!”
-Me
MOWING ONE’S LAWN (NOT EUPHEMISTIC)
-Epiphora
As we watched, I reminded my companions, “THIS WAS ABOUT EMBRACING HER SEXUALITY.” The Redhead Bedhead retorted, “This was about rushing through stuff as quickly as possible because no one was into it…”
For starters, Farrah can’t undo buttons. Make of that what you will. Here’s a direct quote:
“These buttons are going to take me forever!”
“Do you know how buttons work?”
“I don’t, not today. Forgot my brain when I came to hang out with you.”
That’s right. She forgot her brain.
Deen actually gave her instructions during the blowjob… which would have been great except SHE DIDN’T FOLLOW THEM. ”Give her a break,” I insisted, “She forgot her brain today.” What does she do to make up for the fact that she can’t give a blowjob worth a damn? She reaches for the lube and drizzles it all over his dick, then goes, “Look at that cock. I wanna like, lick it more, but ew.”
Apparently the best thing you can do to get through this porno is devising complex games. When you watch this game, try playing a little game called “Where’s the cock?” You close your eyes and have to guess where the cock is based on Farrah’s moans alone. Wait… that’s probably going to be less complex than expected. ”YOUR COCK IS IN MY ASS BEE-BEEEEEEE” peppers the entire sex scene with Deen.
Farrah clearly didn’t want to be sucking Deen’s dick. She wanted it in her ass immediately. Before warming up. Because apparently that’s something that you do. Deen insisted on warming her up with vaginal intercourse first. She kept crying, “Harder, HARDER BEEBEE,” and Deen went harder and shook her like a rag doll and she was like, “I’M NUMB!” And we were like, “Oh, THAT’S good for you.” (Also, since she insisted on acting like a porn star, here’s a protip: “I’m numb,” really isn’t the sexiest thing to yell during intercourse if you’re not going to stop.)
If this is what it’s like to date Farrah Abraham, then she’s totally loathsome. She baby talks through the entire thing. (Because that just can’t be her regular voice. If it is, END ME.) She curls up in bed and announces, “I’m embarrassed.” Don’t worry honey, I was embarrassed for you too.
It’s bad. It’s 100% bad. It’s terribad. It’s terriawful. It’s one of the biggest trainwrecks I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen the Saw XXX parody. I don’t think I can properly convey just how bad this was, so I’ll end this review with some quotes and tweets. The only way you can properly grasp this, though, is to experience it for yourself… but I don’t recommend it.
Quotes from the film:
Farrah: “Look at my ass, my ass is like OW. My ass is in pain.”
Farrah: “I deserve this [shower], I’ve been like, way too sexual with you all day.”
Farrah: “There’s cum in my eyeball.”
James: “I would love to cuddle with you, but you just said you wanted to get fucked in the ass!”
James: “You’re not even wearing panties.”
Farrah: “I’m not?”
James: “Do you ever wear them?”
Farrah: “I’m wearing panties, you just can’t see them.”
Farrah: “This one day, I had the wettest pussy, ’cause I get myself off.”
Farrah: “I THINK YOU’RE GOING TO POP MY VAGINA.”
Farrah: “This is my magic pussy wand.” [Note: it is not a Magic Wand of any sort, it's a glass dildo.]
James: “For your magic pussy?”
Farrah: “And this is magic,” *gestures to pussy.*
Farrah: “It hurts.”
James: “It hurts?”
Farrah: “Yeah, too deep.”
James: “THEN DON’T SHOVE IT IN THAT DEEP!”
James: “What do you like about cock?”
Farrah: “It cums.”
Farrah: “I think I can feel my magic stick through my ass.”
Farrah, talking about her ass: “Only that big giant D can go in there!”
Some choice tweets (with the #FarrahDeen hashtag removed) can be found below the cut.
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You can imagine, then, how distressing it was when I couldn’t quite part my labia enough for the Sqweel to work. I could spread myself a little bit with one hand while the other held the Sqweel, but that wasn’t enough to allow the tongues to rotate. I tried a couple different positions. I tried to spread myself with both hands and leave it sitting in front of me, but it wouldn’t stay in place well enough without me pushing it toward my body. All that waiting and I couldn’t use it.
