Jan 312014

Sorry folks, I know I haven’t posted since October.

The long and short of it is that I’m on a TON of medications, and like so many psychiatric meds do, they kill my libido.  Really, my interest in sex is still here, and I still want to be having it with my partner and myself, but it’s like my body has other things to do.  I would be lying if I said it wasn’t frustrating.  It’s hard to sit down with the toys you need to review, then find yourself struggling to even use one.  My orgasms aren’t impeded, but my mindset is.  After one orgasm I’m usually ready to throw in the towel.

I’ve got a lot of emotional baggage surrounding sexuality, too – some gender and body dysphoria that lately, it’s been hard to look past when watching pornography.  I know there are ways to masturbate without porn, but I like porn, and feeling like this, I’m sure as hell not going to fantasize about myself.  Generally I’ll get pretty into the porn, then once I’m done I’m like, “I could go for round 2 but I suddenly hate this.”  If I’m not watching porn it’s more like, “I could go for round 2 but suddenly I hate myself.”

It’s a challenge, to say the least.

I’m also in my final semester of college, so that’s a huge step for me, but it’s also a busy time.  I have a work co-op (working on a cat shelter website OMG IT’S LIKE A DREAM!) and I’ve got to spend 160 hours on it in addition to my 5 other classes.

So more reviews are coming, slowly but surely.  Off the top of my head, I’ve got Uberlube and the Je Jou Ami in the works, plus some LoveLife toys and awesome Tantus paddles sitting around my house.  The LoveLife products are getting the most mileage right now, so those reviews might come out faster than the others.  I’ve also had the Live Sex Show review ALMOST ready to publish for months now, and probably should get a slap on the wrist for withholding it.

So my New Years Resolution for 2014 is to be more active.  My blog is an important outlet for me and the community is great… when you’re actually included in it.  And you have to be around to be included.  I’m trying to make myself more available on Twitter, so if you need me, I’m just an @Sugarcunt away.

Oct 242013

As you well know, sometimes my blog has dormant periods.  That’s not really the way I want it to be all the time, but we all have lives outside of blogging, even if we don’t want to.  I was dusting off after one of these dormant periods and checking the adult news networks and I saw an article saying that Tenga’s Iroha line that was going to be released.  I was so excited I nearly wet myself.  They looked SO GOOD.  At the time the article was released it stated that Liberator was going to exclusively carry Iroha.  So I e-mailed Liberator.

Me: [eloquently] “Would you help me tickle my clitoris?”

Liberator: [silence].

I didn’t actually say it that way.  I WAS eloquent, but nowhere in my e-mail inquiry did I use the phrase “tickle my clitoris.”  And nowhere in any of yours should you include that phrase, either.  #reviewer101

But yeah, no response.  I was a little down and so I let it go for a while… then I read another article about the line and decided to go to Tenga’s website and e-mail them.  And if you ask for what you want, sometimes you might get it!


Tenga was generous enough to send me not one, not two, but all three of the Iroha vibes to review.  I was so excited that I made Vines of myself unboxing them.  They are so beautiful.  They look like mochi, a delicious glutinous rice cake that you probably don’t want to rub all over your genitals (but if you do then more power to you, I guess).  I’m led to believe that the similarity in appearance was planned, since Tenga’s goal was to mirror their culture in the toys.  And in addition to the aesthetics of Iroha, I also appreciate the mission behind the line.  The vibes were created with the belief that masturbation should be appreciated the same way that we appreciate self care.  I support that belief 100%.  Sexual desire is a natural need and should be nurtured!

My first impressions were good all around.  They’re beautiful toys, and the packaging is attractive.  The storage for an Iroha vibrator is a case that is also a charging station.  The bases are magnetic and have little indentations for the buttons on the back of the vibrators to rest in.  I feel like this is not only much more attractive than a flimsy bag, but also promotes a sense of pride in these works of art by giving me a way to show them off.  I know that plenty of people need to keep their sex toys packed discreetly away, but for those of us that just leave them sitting around the house, it’s nice to have a little display case.

But chances are that many consumers don’t care about those details… you probably care more about how the toy feels on your genitals.  If you’re going to spend $99, I understand that – I would too.  The good news is that I can tell you!

All three vibrators have the same features.  The material is a type of food-grade silicone called Soft Touch, and it is water-resistant and dust-proof and pleasantly squishy.  These vibrators are the only sex toys in my house that haven’t attracted a metric ton of dust or hair.  If you’re a cat owner, you can probably understand my appreciation of that.  Each toy has two buttons that control four vibration modes – three speeds and a pulsing motion.

I find the vibrations to be more than agreeable.  For starters, they are quiet without sacrificing strength.  I can use the Iroha vibes in bed at night next to my sleeping partner without waking him up.  And while the vibrations aren’t the strongest I have ever felt, they more than adequately do the job for me.  I turn my vibrators up to the third setting (high speed) and that’s really the only one I need to use.  I have had an orgasm on the lower settings, but getting there takes considerably less time on the third.

My favorite toy of the bunch is Midori.  In addition to being a lovely green color, Midori has a very simple rounded shape with a nub on one end.   Midori is recommended for use on all erogenous zones.  I press that nub against my clitoris and I’m pretty sure that my vagina sings.  It provides broad stimulation instead of pinpoint, and I’ve discovered that broad stimulation is really good for me.  The nub carries the vibrations much better than the tip of Yuki, the white vibrator.

Yuki is recommended for stimulating the opening of your vagina, and while some people were dubious about that, I gave it a try and found that I liked it.  I didn’t have an orgasm from using Yuki alone, but the vibrations at the opening of my vagina were pleasurable.  I used Yuki in my vagina and Sakura on my clitoris at the same time and had a wonderful orgasm.

Sakura, the aptly-named pink vibrator, has two little arms that can be used in a pinching motion.  I had a lot of difficulty with this.  Trying to pinch my clitoris didn’t really work for me because it isn’t very prominent, but trying to pinch my nipple also wasn’t a wild success because it was slightly too large to sandwich in between the vibrator’s arms.    I could still reach climax using it, but I felt like I wasn’t really using it as was intended.  Then again, one might argue that there’s no “right” way to use a vibrator as long as you’re not letting your ass eat it or doing something else unsafe that will require medical attention.

There is something I do have to mention, though, that isn’t perfect about the Iroha vibrators.  Some of the earlier batches had a defect in the back panel where the buttons are located.  One of my toys had this defect, and the plastic panel popped out of the toy.  Not all the way out, but it protruded and despite how much I tried to push it back in, it wouldn’t stay in position.  The toy still functioned, but it was slightly annoying.  I was not the only person to notice this.



I got in touch with my contact at Tenga and he assured me that this defect has been fixed in future batches, and that the replacement of this toy will be covered by the 1-year warranty.  So if you’ve already bought a toy from the Iroha line and you’ve experienced this problem, just send it back in for warranty repairs by contacting global@tenga.co.jp.  I’m going to be doing this to replace my vibe that popped open.

The bottom line is that I can’t recommend the Iroha toys enough.  While the defect was a bit off-putting, the new batches seem to be holding up quite nicely, and Tenga has been very gracious about replacing the defective toys.  I think that the three Iroha vibrators are unique because they provide different options for sensation – pinching, pressing, and some internal stimulation that I think feels quite nice.  If you only buy one, my opinion is that Midori is absolutely the best.  No gimmicks there, just good vibrations.

I owe huge thanks to Tenga – they provided me the Iroha toys free of charge in exchange for an honest review, and they have been very helpful and patient with me!  Be sure to check out the Iroha website if you’re interested in learning more about these toys!  And if you’re going to buy the Iroha toys, SheVibe has them!  Yay SheVibe!

Sep 172013


Hello!  It’s been a while, hasn’t it?  I’ve been very busy and I’m also knee deep in sex toys, so I’m playing catch-up.  This is good news for you, my readers, because it means CONTENT!

First up: the Leaf Life.  The Life is a product that I’ve lusted after since I first heard about it.  It comes in a nice eco-friendly-looking box with a charging cord and a bag to hold it.  It’s attractive, ergonomic, and a beautiful shade of green.  It is made out of medical-grade silicone.  It has a single button that is located under the skin, so the entire toy has a largely seamless appearance.  It’s rechargeable AND waterproof.  The Life goes from 0 to 60 at the push of a button – you just hold it down to increase the speed, and the maximum speed is pretty great.  By all accounts, this toy is uber impressive, and it should be an orgasm machine.

But it doesn’t get me off.

Well, that’s not wholly true.  It got me off a few times, but each of those times took FOREVER.  Which is, for me, the equivalent of not getting off.  I mean, sometimes it’s fun to take an hour to reach orgasm, but it gets dull when you aren’t getting the gratification you want.  As a side note, I look back at some of my first blog posts and find that it’s hilarious that I have gone from, “Yay, a toy made me orgasm!” to, “Boo, why is it taking 20 minutes for me to come?”

When you’ve become accustomed to having speedy orgasms, sometimes you find yourself sitting there, not orgasming, with genitals stuffed to the brim with sex paraphernalia and you’re like, “Maybe I should go make a sandwich or something.”  One time I actually fell asleep for a few minutes while it was on and between my legs.  And this just in: apparently yelling “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” at the top of your lungs in the general direction of your genitals doesn’t make you reach orgasm more quickly.  Who knew?

The bottom line is that if I’m hoping to get off in ten to twenty minutes or less, I have learned that I just can’t reach for this toy.  And that’s hard for me, from a reviewer’s standpoint.  I can’t say that this is a bad toy, because it’s actually a very good toy from a technical standpoint – it is attractive, it boasts a fair amount of power, and I think it’s pretty well-designed.  I like it as a device, and I desperately want to have orgasms with it, but it just isn’t very effective for me.

What this toy did do for me was help me gain some perspective on what I need in a vibrator.  At the same time that I was reviewing this toy I also received the Tenga Iroha line to review (you’ll get to read that soon, I promise).  While the Life was faster than the Iroha vibrators, the Iroha toys got me off in ways that the Life just couldn’t.  The key difference, I think, is that the Iroha vibrators cover a broad surface area, whereas the Life has a really small tip.  The Life is clearly meant to offer pinpoint stimulation, and I think that’s what just doesn’t do it for me.  In retrospect, Epiphora noted the nature of the pinpoint stimulation in her review… but when I asked to review the Life I had no idea what kind of stimulation I liked.  So while I’m sad that I’m not a pinpoint-stimulation kind of person who can fully enjoy this beautiful sex toy, I am happy that I’ve learned a bit more about my body.

I don’t recommend buying it if you know you prefer broad stimulation.  If you aren’t sure if you like pinpoint stimulation, I would look for a cheaper alternative to try first before I dropped $99 on the Life.  While it’s an attractive toy to have in your toybox, you probably want to get some orgasms out of it, too.

If you’re disappointed that I haven’t trashed the toy in this review, I suppose I can touch on couple things… there’s a barely-perceptible seam along the bottom of the toy, but it doesn’t bother me during use or cleaning.  The only (minor) flaw I’ve found is that the Life is a little bit vroom-y in terms of sound.  It isn’t the loudest toy I’ve ever heard, but it’s not the quietest, either.  It’s just kind of buzzy.  I think the sound that it puts out is fair for the power you get from it.  I wouldn’t use it when I’m masturbating in bed at night beside my sleeping fiance, though.  (By the way, I can’t be the only person in the world that asks, “Can I masturbate beside someone with this toy without them noticing,” right?)

If you like pinpoint stimulation, sleek ergonomic design, feeling good about buying eco-friendly, and that sexy, sexy shade of green, you can get the Leaf Life at Shevibe.  Go forth, my minions, and shop!


The Leaf Life was graciously provided to me for free by Shevibe in exchange for an honest review.

Jun 272013

shilobumpPackers are very special to me.  As someone who has always wanted a penis, nothing gives me more glee than having my own dick, however fake it may be.  New York Toy Collective is a sex-positive novelty company that was founded just last year.  Their products are made from premium platinum base silicone and are intended to be self-affirming gender expression tools.  SheVibe was kind enough to send me the Shilo Pack & Play and The Love Bump, the only two products that New York Toy Collective has put out so far.


The Shilo Pack & Play is a dual-purpose packer that can be worn for packing (obviously) or for sex.  The Shilo seems to be dual-density, with a bendable rod hidden beneath the firm inner core.  This rod allows you to position the Shilo however you like: straight forward, curved up or down, hanging a little low and to the left… whatever suits your needs.  The Shilo isn’t the first packer to be posable, but that level of posability seems kind of ingenious for an insertable toy.  I’ll talk about why I emphasize seems in a moment.

The Shilo

My first impression of the Shilo was mixed.  On one hand, it’s cool as hell, there’s no denying that.  On the other hand, I was astonished by just how large it was, and the base seemed pretty huge.  Trying to wear the packer without a harness didn’t work for me because my front isn’t very flat, so the base stuck out and created an unnatural, decidedly un-dick-like bulge in the front of my panties.  I’m forced to wear this thing with a harness if I want to wear it comfortably or leave the house in it.  Fortunately, I have my handy-dandy Joque, or I would be a very, very sad Shilo owner.  The Shilo comes in four colors, and the one you see in my pictures if called cashew.

More on the length: That’s six inches of dick that you’re stuffing in your pants.  Six inches all the time.  Not three soft and six hard.  It can seem overwhelming at first if your last packer was comparatively shorter and much softer (as mine was).  Your best bet with the Shilo is to tuck it between your thighs.  When I was wearing the Shilo with the Love Bump, tucking the Shilo between my fat thighs was somewhat uncomfortable.  The Love Bump was just in the way.  If you’re going for realism, though, then you can’t get any better than that.

The silicone is awesome, too.  I’ve been told it feels comparable to VixSkin, but since I don’t own any VixSkin dildos, I can’t make that comparison for you.  I do, however, own a Tantus Cush O2, and I can tell you that outer layer of the Shilo is considerably squishier than the Cush.  When I inserted the Shilo, the material felt great.  That squishy outer layer is pleasant, and the head is kind of pronounced, which is wonderful when you’re thrusting.  However, here’s where the “seems ingenious for an insertable toy” thing comes in.  If you’re using the Shilo as a strap-on with a partner, the posability isn’t much of a problem – you can just keep the toy rigid with your hand.  If you use the Shilo on yourself, there’s going to be some fumbling, because that bendable rod in the core will try to bend as you push the toy against yourself.  It’s not a huge inconvenience, but if you have dreams of being able to use the Shilo like a curved dildo, they’re going to be shattered.  Even if you manage to maintain the bent shape during insertion, the bend will probably straighten back out during use.  There’s nothing wrong with a straight dildo – I have plenty of them and I love them – but if you’re hoping that the posability will be a game-changer in the bedroom, I think you’re going to be disappointed.

2009-01-01 00.01.02

The Love Bump

The Love Bump is kind of ridiculous looking.  It’s a pair of balls.  It reminds me of stretched earlobes, except… you know.  With balls.  And stuff.  The Love Bump comes with a removable bullet vibrator that fits into a small hole located on the side of the balls.  New York Toy Collective suggests the Love Bump for added realism, added stimulation, and extra cushioning when having sex.  When I used the Shilo on myself with the Love Bump attached, the balls mostly got in the way.  However, that was masturbation, and you have to consider that this dildo is geared more toward packing and couples’ play than it is toward solo play.

Do I think the Shilo is worth it?  TOTALLY.  I haven’t sampled enough packers to call the Shilo the ultimate packer, but it’s pretty freakin’ awesome.  If you’re looking for gender expression tools you can pack and play with, I urge you to pick up the Shilo and the Love Bump at Shevibe.




Jun 092013

Happy Birthday Sugarcunt Writes!

Happy birthday dear blog!  Two years ago today I made the first post on Sugarcunt Writes – The Mighty Mini Mite.  That’s right, the first toy I ever reviewed was your run-of-the-mill pocket rocket, and I loved it.  It was the first orgasm I had without having to digitally stimulate myself at the same time, and it was AWESOME.  The thing is sitting in a bag and never gets any use now, because I have graduated to bigger, better, and pricier vibes, but I still stand by what it did for me: proved that a vibrator could actually get me off and that I wasn’t doomed to live out the rest of my days being the girl that couldn’t come.

Naturally, since I have become a serious adult with serious adult sex toys (stop laughing at me), I am not giving away a pocket rocket.  You can pick one up just about anywhere for around $15 or so.  Instead, I partnered up with a very wonderful store called Our Naughty Secrets to bring you two awesome toys: the Jopen Key Comet G-Spot Wand and the Tantus Ryder.  I wanted to give away something good for the G-spot and good for the ass.  Now hear me out: I have a Comet, but I do not have a Ryder.  However, I’m having a hard time finding people who haven’t enjoyed it, and Epiphora even said it should be a toybox staple.  If you don’t trust my blind judgment, and you don’t trust the peanut gallery, at least trust Epiphora, because really, if you can’t trust her, who CAN you trust?

That’s enough out of me.  I know you’re going to ignore those first two paragraphs and scroll straight to the giveaway box anyway, so have at it.  Good luck to each and every one of you!  While you’re waiting to find out who won, I urge you to go mosey over to Our Naughty Secrets and take a gander at their stock.  Thank you for sponsoring this giveaway, ONS!

Oh, P.S. – These items are being mailed in their original, unopened packaging directly from me.  I have cats.  My cats are curious about what is in the big prize box.  If you are so allergic to cats that anything that has been within 10 feet of a cat will kill you, use your judgment about whether or not you should enter this giveaway.  Maybe you can get a friend to unbox the toy for you?

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Jun 042013

We’re going to have an adventure together very soon: my 2-year blogiversary and a corresponding giveaway!  I’m giving away a Jopen Key Comet G-spot Wand and a Tantus Ryder!  There will be two winners, so make sure you enter for both items if you want them!  This is your formal invitation to join me on June 9th, when the giveaway starts.  Make sure you check it out!

And of course, there are upcoming reviews.  Soooo many upcoming reviews.  I just have to stop playing Second Life long enough to write them.  (More challenging than it sounds.)  Here’s what’s on top of the toybox:


And did I mention there’s an Eroscillator in my possession?  EEEEEEE!  I’m hoping to get some attachments for it so I can use it!  I’ll review them (and the entire kit and caboodle) when I do.

May 302013

The re-released Bad Dragon Janine the Anthro Dragonness

Bad Dragon recently released a brand-spankin’ new version of one of their masturbation sleeves, Janine the Anthro Dragoness.  I’ve been in lust with Bad Dragon for a long time, so I was very excited to have an opportunity to review the new Janine.  There was only one problem… I don’t have a working penis.

But my partner does!  And so without further ado, I present to you my partner’s review of the new Janine:

So, caveat before I begin: I’m not a sex toy reviewer. I’m not aware of any of the etiquette or niceties of the craft. I’m going to tell you what I thought, because that’s what I was asked to do. It may not work for you. Different people with different physical logistics and different needs may not feel the same way I did.

First, Janine is a masturbation sleeve. I’ve quietly and discreetly looked at sleeves before, back in my single days. Thanks to Zack and Miri Make a Porno I heard about the Fleshlight for the first time, and didn’t even realize before that there were sex toys for men. I guess I kind of always assumed there were, but I’m a simple kind of guy. I don’t like to complicate my “me time.” In fact, maybe because of the way male masturbation is a subject of both jokes and demonization, my “me time” used to be as quick as possible. Even living alone, it wasn’t an act I tried to draw out for extended pleasure time. It was a means to an end for relief. A scratch to an itch.

Janine is not a dragon vagina, per se. From a biological standpoint, if dragons had anything it would be a cloaca – assuming dragons are like most reptiles. And while it might be neat to fuck a cloaca, I doubt there’d be a dragon small enough that you wouldn’t outright fall into its cloaca during a sexual encounter. So this sleeve is a dark-colored, squishy (think stress ball squishy, but for your dick) human-esque vagina, complete with a tiny hood and tiny dragon clit. Just like in Skyrim.

The top of Janine is surrounded by a crown of scale-shaped silicone, which other than the color is the only thing dragon-esque about the sleeve. Which is OK with me. I’m here for the fucking, not the gimmick. The top is shaped with a nice curve above the hood and below the opening that fits neatly both against my balls and my pelvis, providing the right pressure in the right places that regular intercourse does.

I’ve used the sleeve with two kinds of water-based lube so far. It’s really important to lube the opening and inside of the sleeve and run a little on your cock before insertion. Otherwise you’re in for the silicone equivalent of carpet burn. I got hard and slid on in.

My first impression is that it was kind of weird, because I’ve never used a sleeve before. The insertion itself isn’t a real “wow” experience, as Janine has no special textures inside designed for pleasure that I can feel. The opening was about the size of my head. I used the sleeve a few times, and each time I felt like I kind of had to shove it in to get past my head, but then it was fine once I got going.

Where it shines is ergonomics and suction. The sleeve itself looks like someone took a large black dildo and cut off the tip, then drilled out the middle for you to fuck it. It’s a little heavy, but you’ll appreciate that weight once it’s on your dick. Since it’s shaped like a cock, it fits nicely in one or two hands (I have big hands, I can see someone with smaller hands needing to use two) and operation is pretty similar to how I masturbate, only it feels way better than my hand would.

The stylized end is, of course, the vagina-shaped opening, and the other end is just a tiny hole that I assume is there to make sure your dick doesn’t get stuck in it from suction. On the other hand, you can squeeze the sleeve while you’re inside it both on or above your penis and the suction gives you that eyes-rolling-back-biting-my-lower-lip-deep-moan pleasure. Thrust, squeeze, slide, release, rinse, repeat. It feels great from lying on my back and I also tried fucking it from on top – for me it’s a pretty good way to get off. And the toy reminds me I’m doing this for my pleasure, it’s not just an itch that needs scratching – I can take my time.

NewOnLeftOldOnRightAnd there’s your firsthand account of Janine!  From a sex toy enthusiast standpoint, I can tell it’s a pretty high quality toy.  How does it differ from the original Janine?  Well, most prominently, it’s bigger.  We don’t have an original Janine, but Bad Dragon sent some very convenient comparison photos.  In the photo you see here, the original Janine is that smaller toy on the right and the new Janine is the on the left.  That’s a lot more bang for your buck!

We owe a huge thank you to Bad Dragon for providing us with Janine in exchange for a review!  I strongly encourage you to visit Bad Dragon and check out all of their quality products.

May 252013

So I was in bed at 5 AM, lying there thinking about sticking razors in my pussy, like you do.

It occurred to me that I probably would have had much safer sexual experiences when I was exploring sexually as a young person if someone had just given me the right dildo.  Why do I say that?  Well for starters, the horrible shit that went down in Texture Fiend never would have happened.

This series of blog posts will share some popular household items that I may or may not have tried to put in my vagina, and here are some delicious dildo alternatives to sate your foreign-objects-in-your-orifice desires without the risk of harm.

Number one: Disposable razor handles.

Number two:

I have inserted bananas.

Well, just one banana, really.

How: With a condom on it.

Why: Because everybody else does it and so I figured I may as well try it too.

Where: Vagina.  DO NOT PUT A BANANA IN YOUR ANUS.  If you disregard my warning and do so, you’re going to find yourself in the ER getting an X-ray of the banana your ass just ate and you’re going to feel pretty silly.

Do I recommend: Not really.  It’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve put in my vagina, but bananas can be mushy.  Ew.  It was certainly bigger than anything I wanted in my vagina at the time.  I hated having things in my vagina.  Why was I compelled to put things inside it?  Because I thought I was supposed to like it.  That’s a good reason to do anything, right?


Tantus Curve Love to Love iScreamBS Is Nice Rainbow G-Spot DildoVixen VixSkin Maverick     Fucking Sculptures Two-Cumber

The affordable: Tantus Curve.  $33.99 (Anal safe!)

The food: Love to Love iScream. $39.99

The pretty: BS Is Nice Rainbow G-Spot Dildo. $63.74 (Anal safe!)

The brightly-colored: Vixen Creations VixSkin Maverick in Flour-A-Green. $105.99 (Anal safe!)

The luxe: Fucking Sculptures Two-Cumber. $149.99


Next up: dental tools!


May 232013

So I was in bed at 5 AM, lying there thinking about sticking razors in my pussy, like you do.

It occurred to me that I probably would have had much safer sexual experiences when I was exploring sexually as a young person if someone had just given me the right dildo.  Why do I say that?  Well for starters, the horrible shit that went down in Texture Fiend never would have happened.

This series of blog posts will share some popular household items that I may or may not have tried to put in my vagina, and here are some delicious dildo alternatives to sate your foreign-objects-in-your-orifice desires without the risk of harm.

First up:

I have inserted disposable razor handles.

How: With the safety cap on.

Why: Straight, safety cap was never in the way, deliciously textured, very thin (which I felt that I needed at the time).

Where: Vagina and anus

Do I recommend: NO.  Especially not anally.  The safety barrier for the razor-y part of the razor could have been pushed off at any time, and as someone who has snipped her labia while trimming her pubic hair, I can assure you that YOU DON’T WANT CROTCH CUTS.  And as for the anus… yes, the razor’s head does flare out much like the base of a dildo or butt plug would, but honestly, I just wouldn’t risk PUTTING A RAZOR IN YOUR ASS.


icicles 1whipspider pink-jellyfishrippler  nobessence lingerCORKSCREW-RED

The cheap: Icicles No. 1.  Totally rigid because it’s glass, totally straight, totally textured.  A steal at $23.99.

The girthy: Pleasure Works Rippler.  One of my favorites – sturdy and girthy with a delightful texture.  $50.99

The ultra-textured: Whipspider Jellyfish.  $69.99

The wooden: NobEssence Linger. $129.99

The luxe: Fucking Sculptures Corkscrew.  $149.99


Butt plug alternatives:

tantus dipper tantus twist-all

Both Tantus!  I trust Tantus with my ass more than I trust any other company!

The Dipper ($29.99) and the Twist ($26.99).


Stay tuned for more better, sexier alternatives in the future!  Next up: produce.

May 212013

LELO Mia 2This is a review that I’m kind of disappointed to be writing.

I was dying to try a USB rechargeable vibrator. Since I agreed to dive into Nymphomaniac Ness’ orgasm diet plan, a USB rechargeable vibe seemed the most sensible toy for the task.  Plug it in, take it with me, get off instead of mindlessly snacking, charge it wherever I can find a USB port. Easy, right?  In theory, yes. In practice, no. Not with the Mia 2.

SheVibe was lovely enough to send me LELO’s Mia 2 USB rechargeable lipstick vibe. The Mia 2 boasts that it has more power than the first Mia, and that power increase gave me a lot of hope. If there’s one thing I need from my vibrators, it is power.

Unfortunately, that power increase didn’t mean much to me. While I’m sure it’s better than the first Mia was, it still wasn’t good enough.

When I initially turned the Mia on for the first time, it seemed like it was reasonably powerful. The charge time isn’t too bad. I’m pretty sure that the instructions told me to charge the Mia for the first time for 2 hours. You’re supposed to be able to get an hour and a half of vibration out of a fully-charged Mia.  The Mia 2 has 6 vibration patterns, which are inevitably wasted on a one-trick pony like me. I like it strong and consistent, but that doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate the fact that I have options. And like the Picobong Kiki (I never thought I would bring up anything good about the Picobong Kiki, and I certainly never expected to compare to to a full-blown LELO product), the Mia has one vibration pattern that’s very musical. That gimmick never gets old to me. I can spend a LOT of time listening to a vibrator. I could have my own show: The Vibe Whisperer.  Television producers, look no further, your ratings booster is here.

Anyway, straight out of the box with all the settings laid out before me, I was impressed. And then I tried it on my clit.

It’s not that the Mia doesn’t feel good. Of course it feels good! It just doesn’t feel THAT good.  I constantly use the Mia on full power and just don’t get very much out of it.

The first time I used the Mia, I watched porn for 25 or 30 minutes and I wasn’t sure I was ever going to get off.  I noticed the vibrations at first, but after a while I grew accustomed to how they felt and stopped getting any pleasure from the Mia at all.  I finally switched to some different porn, which helped, but on the whole that entire masturbation session (in which I only used the Mia) took me about 45 minutes.  And when it finally hit me, the orgasm didn’t leave me breathless – it just left me, period.

LELO Mia 2Now, I’m all for “self-loving” masturbation, but for me, there is a difference between jacking off and settling in for an extended masturbation session.  When I jack off, I don’t want to sit there for 30 minutes waiting for an orgasm to show up out of the blue.  Sometimes, especially when I’m feeling dysphoric, I want to get in, come once, and get out and be done with the whole affair.  I’m not going to reach for the Mia when I’m jerking it under those circumstances because it just takes too long.  But because I don’t find the Mia very stimulating, I’m probably not going to use it for extended periods of masturbation, either.  I’m going to reach for a stronger vibrator that feels more present than the Mia does.  If it can’t keep my attention, it doesn’t belong near my vagina.

I used the Mia for a week straight.  Toward the end of the week, I would give up after 20 minutes or so and pull out the big guns.  I’ve tried using both sides of the Mia on my clit and while the bottom definitely feels more stimulating than the lid (for obvious reasons), it just doesn’t do it for me.The most fun I had with the Mia 2 was with my partner.  He had me bent over on my knees, blindfolded, and used it on me.   Despite being enjoyable, it still didn’t bring me to orgasm.  If it takes being deprived of one of my senses for me to adequately enjoy the Mia, then we just aren’t meant to be together.

One thing I really like about the Mia is that it’s been relatively easy to clean.  Since it’s waterproof, I can just throw the whole shebang in the sink.  I was worried that the buttons would trap gunk and be difficult to clean, but that hasn’t been the case.  That’s not really enough to work the Mia into my regular sex toy rotation, though.  [Edit: Dangerous Lilly pointed out in the comments that her Mia 2 does trap gunk in the buttons.  I think mine probably didn’t because it doesn’t really do much for me.]

I have very specific needs, and apparently a lot of power is one of those needs.  The Hitachi isn’t the only vibrator that brings me to orgasm – it’s one of several vibrators that gets the job done better than the Mia ever could.  Maybe the Mia couldn’t provide me with enough power because it’s USB rechargeable.  Maybe the Mia’s stimulation style – pinpoint – isn’t what I need.  Plenty of people love the Mia 2, so this is clearly a matter of taste.  Whatever the reason, though, it just isn’t for me.  If you like pinpoint stimulation and don’t require T-rex strength vibrations, then the Mia 2 has a better chance of working for you than it did for me.

Thank you so much for sending me the Mia 2 to review, SheVibe!